Niamh, Harry, and Ginny were eating breakfast at the Slytherin table when Niamh looked up and said, “And today on the agenda: Malfoy, the most annoying braggart in the world.”
“What?” asked Ginny, blinking at her.
Harry jerked him thumb down towards the other end of the table, where Draco was sneering at them.
“As I said, the most annoying braggart in the world. Say, Harry, have you put the finishing touches on that lovely little hex you thought up? I was wondering if I could use it on Dirt-For-Brains down there.”
“Na yet, Ni. I still ‘aven’t figured ou’ how to keep the thing ye cast it on from explodin’ afterwards.”
Ginny wrinkled her nose and moaned, “Ewww.”
Harry nodded and said, “Spider par’s all over the floor. Jar cleaned ‘em up though.”
Ginny shook her head and said, “Harry, that’s just…gross.”
Harry smiled. “I know.”
“You don’t mind it?”
“Gin, Jar ate spiders a’ me aunt an’ uncle’s. I’m used ter i’.”
Ginny shivered and said, “That’s still gross.”
“Yeh. Ni, what are ye doin’?”
“What does it look like I’m doing?”
“Bashing your head against the table,” said Ginny.
“Exactly.”
“Why?” asked Harry and Ginny.
Niamh looked up then dug a sheet of paper out of her pocket, handing it to Harry.
“Look. Look at what he have first.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, oh.”
“What is it?” Ginny craned her neck to try and peer at the piece of paper but Harry handed it back to Niamh.
“Lock’art. We’ve got ‘im firs’.”
“Surely he can’t be that bad.”
Niamh said, “Gin, according to my book, he’s a bloody prat who was stripped of his title as an Obliviator because of some misfired memory charm on a little kid.”
“What book?”
By then Niamh was already up and going to class. Harry sighed and rose to go after her, leaning close to Ginny.
“Aurors of the Centuries. She bough’ i’ over the summer according ter Mione. See yer later, Gin.”
“Yeah, see you, Harry.”
Harry smiled at her and patted her shoulder before heading off after Niamh.
/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
“And now – the idiot parade.”
Harry glanced sideways at Niamh as Lockhart entered the room, beaming brightly at the Slytherins, who were all looking at him rather sickeningly except for Pansy and Millicent. Niamh rolled her eyes at them and ducked down behind her books. The two of them had been first in the class and had taken the seats back in the darkest corner, piling their books up on the desk in front of them so they wouldn’t have to look at Lockhart.
“Welcome! I am Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Memory of the Dark Force Defense League (Niamh snorted here), and five-time winner of Witch Weekly’s Most-Charming-Smile Award – but I don’t talk about that.”
Niamh snorted again and muttered, “Suuuure you don’t.”
Harry shook his head at her and wondered what was next.
“Ah, you all have a set of my books. So…let’s take a little quiz to see how much you’ve taken in!” He smiled cheerfully at them and Niamh made a hacking sound.
As soon as they got their tests, the two of them blinked at it.
“You have thirty minutes!” said Lockhart with another bright smile.
Niamh gagged and read the first three questions under her breath.
“‘What is Gilderoy Lockhart’s favorite color?’ ‘What is Gilderoy Lockhart’s secret ambition?’ How in the heck should I know? ‘What, in your opinion, is Gilderoy Lockhart’s greatest achievement to date?’ What sort of questions are these? Harry, mate, have you read these?”
“Yeh.”
“Any ideas?”
“Na.”
“Me neither. By the way, what sort of name is Gilderoy? Eh? Any ideas?”
Harry gave her an amused look then hunched over the test.
Some time later…
“Alright, papers up!”
Lockhart gathered the papers and shuffled through them in front of the class.
“Hardly any of you remembered by favorite color is lilac. A few of you should read over my books again…”
Niamh gagged again and Harry struggled to keep from laughing.
“…but Miss Parkinson managed to answer all my questions correctly! Where is Miss Parkinson?”
Pansy raised her hand tentatively and Lockhart beamed his blinding smile.
“Five points!”
Pansy flushed darkly and ducked her head.
“And Miss O’Feir… You didn’t answer any of my questions. Where is Miss O’Feir?”
Niamh cursed and lazily held up her hand. It took Lockhart a moment to see it.
“Ah, Miss O’Feir. Is there any reason why you did not answer my questions?”
“Yes, sir. I had soooooo much to do over the summer I found no time at all to read your books. I promise it’ll never happen again.”
Lockhart beamed and said, “Very good, Miss O’Feir.”
Niamh dropped the false smile she had put on and muttered, “It might also be the fact that you sicken me and you are nothing but an air-headed prat.”
Harry coughed to cover his laughter, earning the attention of the Slytherin’s around them.
“Is something wrong, Mr. Potter?”
Harry, still coughing slightly, sat up and said, “No, sir. Nothin’ wrong at’tol.”
Lockhart beamed at him and Harry and Niamh both gagged. Niamh growled, “He does that one more time and I swear I’ll hex him. I’ll hex him till nobody recognizes him!”
Harry whispered, “Ge’ on, then!”
“What! Are you mad?”
Harry grinned. “I knew ye would’n do i’.”
“What! I’ll do it! Just…not right now.”
“Sure, Ni. Suuuure.”
“You doubt me?”
“Mmm… Yeh.”
Lockhart’s voice brought them back to attention as he announced the first creature they would be looking at.
“Freshly caught Cornish pixies!”
Up in the front row Mika Davids snorted with laughter just as Niamh fell out of her chair. Harry looked down at her in amusement and asked, “Comfy?”
“Oh, yes. It’s absolutely wonderful down here on the floor. Oh, look! A pink flower.”
Harry snorted with laughter and tried to pay attention to what was going on. But the sound of something being shredded under the table was distracting.
“Die you annoying little flower. DIE DIE DIE!!”
Suddenly Lockhart said, “Let’s see what you make of them!”
And opened the cage.
Electric blue pixies shot everywhere, zipping out the window, grabbing inkwells, tossing books. Two even picked up Draco and began to spin him around the room.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!”
And still Niamh pounded the flower.
“DIE DIE DIE! DIE YOU SODDING…”
Harry ducked under the table as an inkwell full of green ink came flying at his head. It smashed against the wall, causing Niamh to look up from her task.
“Harry? What are you doing down here?”
Harry simply pointed at the pandemonium around then and she heaved a sigh, shaking her head.
Lockhart, meanwhile, pulled up his sleeves, pulled out his wand, and bellowed, “Peskipiksi Pesternomi!”
A pixie grabbed his wand and threw it out the shattered window. Lockhart whimpered and dived under his desk. Niamh laughed and crowed, “I knew it!”
“Knew wha’,” asked Harry.
“He’s an idiot.”
“Ahhhh.”
“Yeah. C’mon, let’s get out of here?”
“‘Fore class ends?”
“Yep.”
“Goo’ idea.”
The two of them picked up their bags and inched towards the door. As soon as they were close they stood and opened it.
“Miss O’Feir! Mr. Potter!”
Harry and Niamh turned to look at Lockhart, who was peering out from under his desk.
“Where are you going?”
Niamh looked at her watch, smiled, then pointed upwards at the ceiling. A moment later the bell rang and there was a mad dash for the door. Grinning, Niamh closed the door behind herself and Harry as they left last, watching Lockhart trying to wrestle his hat out of a chattering pixies grasp. They headed for their next class (Charms) laughing their heads off.
/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
“So, Gin, what did you guys do in DADA today?”
Ginny looked up from writing in a small black book and blinked. “What? Oh, nothing. Class was canceled.”
Harry and Niamh glanced at each other. Niamh then said, “Canceled, you say.”
“Yep.”
“Any idea why?”
“Something about ‘pick-axes’ or something….”
“Pixies?” suggested Harry.
“Yeah, that’s it!”
Harry and Niamh exchanged another glance then burst out laughing. Ginny blinked at them and asked, “What’s up with you guys?”
“Nothing!” cried the two second years around their laughter. Ginny shook her head at them then took her book and vanished into the girl’s dormitory, leaving the other two laughing their heads off.