Harry entered the common room. It was empty except for some very noisy first and second years who were obviously taking advantage of having the common room to themselves. He felt a twinge of disappointment when he remembered that everybody else had gone to Hogsmeade, something that his confrontation with Snape had pushed from his mind. After the disastrous detention, he really needed to tell his friends about what had happened.

Well, Snape had kicked him out of his office, so why shouldn't he make the best of it and go off to Hogsmeade? Nobody had told him he couldn't. Suddenly he became aware that he was still standing in the open entrance and a number of younger students were staring at him curiously.

‘Erm.. never mind, I'll be off to Hogsmeade as well', he muttered and retreated hastily.

It didn't take him long to find Hermione and Ron in the village. They were sitting together at a tiny table close to a window in "The Three Broomsticks". Harry looked around, but Ginny was nowhere to be seen. He bought a bottle of butterbeer at the bar and went to meet his friends. Both stared at him, bewildered, as he grabbed a chair from another table and joined them.

‘Did Professor Snape let you off?' Hermione asked incredulously.

‘Well, sort of...' Harry took a sip from his bottle.

‘You're kidding, mate!' Ron stared at him. ‘Snape would never let you off! What really happened?'

‘To be exact, he told me to get out of his sight. So I came here,' Harry explained as lightly as he could, raising the bottle once more. ‘Cheers.'

Ron stared at him open-mouthed and Hermione groaned. ‘Oh, Harry, what did you do?'

Harry felt anger rise inside him. ‘What makes you think I did anything? It's Snape, he's just a complete arse!'

‘True, mate, but what exactly did he do thís time?' Ron enquired.

‘I don't want to talk about it right now,' Harry muttered. It was strange. Not long ago he had wanted to share everything with his friends, but now he found that he couldn't. It would have meant telling Hermione that Snape had called her a Mudblood, and he knew that Hermione would be deeply upset to know that any teacher would use such a term, even Snape. To change the subject, he asked, ‘Do you know where Ginny is?'

‘Yes', Hermione replied. ‘Since you couldn't come here with her, she decided not to come to Hogsmeade and stayed back at the library to revise for her OWLs.'

Harry was disappointed. He had actually got out of his detention for the day, but Ginny still wasn't with him! Still, he told himself, he shouldn't complain. Even without Ginny, "The Three Broomsticks" was by far a more pleasant place than Snape's office! So he drained his butterbeer and asked, ‘You want me to get another round?'

Ron nodded but then exclaimed, ‘Harry, there's Hedwig!'

Indeed, the white owl was sitting outside on the window-sill and was pecking against the window. Harry hastily opened the window wondering how long his bird had been trying to capture their attention amidst all the noise in the room. Quickly he untied the small bit of parchment from her left leg. Hedwig hooted and took off. Harry wondered who would use his own owl to send him a message, but he found the answer quickly when he unfolded the sheet and recognized the familiar handwriting.

Harry,

Please report to my office immediately to discuss your behaviour in today's detention with Professor Snape.

A. Dumbledore

Harry swallowed hard and looked at his friends, who were waiting attentively. Without a word he handed them the parchment to read, and their expressions turned anxious.

‘Well, I suppose that means I won't be ordering another round,' Harry said as casually as he could, trying to hide his nervousness. The headmaster's note had sounded decidedly frosty, and Harry wondered what Snape must have told him to produce such a response from the normally gentle old man.

Hermione just looked at him mutely, while Ron muttered ‘Good luck, mate'. Harry nodded and stood up. ‘See you later', he forced himself to say nonchalantly before he made his way back to school.

Not quite sure what to expect from this meeting, he reassured himself that he had confronted Snape with nothing but the truth so he didn't have anything to fear. Yes, Dumbledore's note had appeared none too friendly, but of course Snape had given him a biased version of what had really happened between the two of them. Dumbledore was fair; he would let Harry tell his side of the story. Why was it then that his nervousnesss was increasing with every step that brought him closer to Dumbledore's office? When he arrived in front of the Gargoyles, they were obviously expecting him and let him pass even without waiting for the password,.

‘Good morning, sir.' He greeted Dumbledore timidly, and the headmaster gave him an uncharacteristically curt nod.

‘Harry. Please sit down.'

Dumbledore's face was somber and he was scruinizing Harry with eyes that, for once, didn't twinkle. He hadn't offered him a sherbet lemon, either. Harry swallowed and concentrated on keeping his hands still. Although he had been in Dumbledore's office many times before, this was the first time that he had been summoned there for punishment (if one didn't count the time after the Sectumsempra spell), and he had to admit he was really nervous. The cool atmosphere was very different from his usual talks with the headmaster.

‘You know why you are here, Harry.' It wasn't a question.

‘Yes, sir.' Harry decided not to say anything more than necessary for the time being but rather to wait and see with what Dumbledore would confront him. He didn't have to wait long.

‘Professor Snape told me that you yelled at him and drew your wand on him. He said he intended to cane you for your misbehaviour but you refused. What do you have to say to that?'

‘That's not the way it happened! He insulted Hermione! He made fun of her and called her a know-it-all and a Mudblood, and so I got angry,' Harry replied heatedly. ‘And then Snape got mad at me and I thought he was going to hex me, so I drew my wand. It was a reflex, actually. I was only going to defend myself, not attack him!'

‘I see,' Dumbledore said softly and frowned. ‘Has Professor Snape' - there was a certain stress on the word "Professor"- ever thrown a hex at you during your numerous ...  disputes over the last six years?'

‘Well... no,' Harry admitted awkwardly. Just a glass jar, he added to himself, but he wasn't going to say it loud; that was a memory he didn't want to share with anybody.

Dumbledore nodded, his bright blue eyes boring into Harry's. ‘If I am correctly informed, there has been another incident before today when you were caned by Professor Snape, other than the one I assigned. Then, unlike today, you didn't refuse. What was different this time?'

‘I didn't deserve it this time!' Harry burst out indignantly. ‘Besides, Snape was really mad, he would have probably killed me!' He drew a deep breath and continued, a little more calmly, ‘I mean, I don't think I really deserved it the last time either, but at least that time I could sort of understand his point of view, and he wasn't angry when he did it.' Catching himself fumbling with a loose thread of his robe he willed his hands into passiveness again. ‘Honestly, sir, you didn't see him today. Like I said, he would have killed me! And enjoyed it,' he added bitterly.

After a brief pause he looked up at Dumbledore challengingly. ‘I still can't understand why you're letting Snape hit me,' he said brusquely, then added hastily, ‘Well, not that first time, that was...' He swallowed and didn't finish the sentence. ‘I meant after that,' he muttered.

The old man sighed. ‘To be honest, Harry, I hadn't planned on doing so. When Professor Snape pointed out that it had become useless assigning more detentions to you, I advised him to send you to me if he deemed it necessary. Professor Snape then pointed out that you should be given a choice in the matter. What was I supposed to say against that, given the fact that you had preferred his discipline over mine on at least one occasion?'

Harry couldn't suppress a snort. The way the headmaster put it, an outsider might gain the impression that Snape indeed was a considerate person. As if! That git just enjoys manipulating Dumbledore so he can get what he wants - permission to welt my arse! a bitter voice in his head whispered.

Dumbledore pretended not to have heard anything and went on quietly. ‘It seems it was the correct decision, as in fact your choice the very next day proved him right.'

Harry blushed and droppped his gaze. His head came up again as the headmaster continued talking.

‘But let's not digress any longer and come back to today's events. I take it from your words that drawing your wand on your Professor happened instinctively out of self-defence, although he has never attacked you in the past and in fact you know him to have protected you several times. Given your history with all the fights and violence you've had to endure, though, I accept your explanation and will let this pass, although threatening a teacher with one's wand is an infraction for which students have been expelled in the past.'

Harry gulped. He had expected to have to explain himself for yelling at Snape, however he had never imagined he had faced possible expulsion. Considering how heated things had become earlier, drawing his wand had come to him naturally, and he hadn't really thought about it until now. Had it been the final straw for Snape?

‘Yes, sir', he muttered unable to think of anything else to say.

Dumbledore's voice took on a certain chill as he went on. ‘However, your history is no excuse for your blatant disrespect of your professor. And I do not accept your excuse of becoming angry under provocation. I will not tolerate your yelling at a professor, particularly since it is obvious that it wasn't just a temporary lack of respect. No, Harry, this is a serious problem, as you constantly demonstrate. For instance, during our conversation have you once referred to Professor Snape by his title?'

Harry's temper flared up. ‘You're right, I don't feel respect for him! But that's not my fault! This man has treated me like shit ever since I first met him! How can you expect me to be respectful towards him, when he has insulted me and my friends since our first day here? I can't believe you even want me to respect someone who calls his students Mudbloods!'

The older man raised his hand commandingly, and Harry's fury dissipated as rapidly as it had flared.

‘Sorry', Harry muttered.

‘I know Professor Snape is not a kind man, Harry. I do not expect you to like him. But he is on our side, a very intelligent and skilled wizard, and the least that you owe him for his efforts is respect. After all there is hardly anyone else who runs as many risks for his life as he does and sacrifices so much for our cause.'

Ignoring Harry's dubious look, he continued, ‘Given all your dislike of Professsor Snape, have you ever stopped to think about what being a spy implies?'

Harry merely shrugged. In fact, he had not, but it seemed to him that Snape with his slimy ways was just cut out for that job, instead of fighting openly and bravely. Dumbledore seemed to sense this, as his eyes bored into Harry's, making him feel even more uncomfortable.

‘Being a spy means spending a large amount of time in Voldemort's presence - not the most pleasant company, as I am sure you would agree. It means never being able for a second to let your guard down, for Voldemort is likely the most skilled Legilimens at present. Professor Snape's life literally depends on his ability to shield his mind from Voldemort every single second. A single lapse would result in immediate detection and a very painful death. Surely you can imagine how much concentration is needed for such a deception?'

Harry blushed again under the headmaster's sharp gaze. He would have preferred not to be reminded of his fruitless occlumency lessons. The man continued, ‘Professor Snape joined the Death Eaters when he was young, as you well know. This single decision - which he made when he was little older than you - has haunted him ever since - and most likely will do so - for the rest of his life. Perhaps you understand how easy it is for someone your age to make a disastrously poor decision?' He quirked an eye at Harry who reddened even further. ‘By working as a spy, Professor Snape tries every day to atone for his horrible mistake.'

To his amazement, Harry found that he was actually feeling  sympathy for Professor Snape. It was terrifying to realize how much a single bad decision could ruin one's life. His thoughts went to Draco. He was sure the boy had taken the Dark Mark. Would the day also come when Draco would regret his decision? The headmaster's next words interrupted his thoughts.

‘I want you to imagine yourself in Professor Snape's position. You are a spy, and that means that you always have to act like a true Death Eater. You are forced to be present when atrocities are committed, and there are numerous occasions where you wish to protect the victims but cannot. Instead you have to watch, seeming to approve, while hating yourself every second for being there.'

Harry gulped. This was something he didn't want to imagine. It had been bad enough to witness certain things through his visions, actually being present without being able to do anything....

‘I am sure you agree that all this is not very conducive to developing or maintaining a cheerful personality,' Dumbledore continued inexorably, ignoring Harry's growing guilt. ‘Nor is Professor Snape's disposition improved by the nightmares that inevitably result. I would have thought that  you of all people would be sympathetic to that. But this is not all, Harry.

‘As a spy you must be friendless. Many of the Death Eaters you work with watch you very closely as they don't trust you, and rightly so. You despise their cause but have to hide it from them. And as for the Order, many of its members look down on you with contempt and constantly challenge your loyalty. Being a spy is not very heroic. But he carries out perhaps the hardest and most dangerous work, and his efforts are hardly ever appreciated. What's more, many of your so-called colleagues don't trust you as they think you are playing an even more complicated game, enjoying the atrocities you are forced to witness. Given all that, Harry, is it so hard for you to understand why Professor Snape can be cruel and cutting? Why he does not treat you - or indeed most students - with kindness or,' he sighed, ‘respect? Can you also understand why that does not relieve you of the obligation to treat him appropriately?'

‘But how can you know ...' Harry stopped. He knew Dumbledore wouldn't answer what he really wanted to ask and in fact had already asked him in the past. So he merely asked in a defeated voice, ‘You trust him absolutely, don't you, sir?'

Dumbledore held his gaze and said slowly, ‘I would trust Severus Snape with my life; in fact I am sure the day will come where I will place my life in Professor Snape's hands.'

‘Right,' Harry sighed. ‘If you say so. I guess I can live with him being ill-tempered. But I still won't let him call Hermione a Mudblood!'

‘Did he really?' Dumbledore asked him.

‘Yes!' Harry exclaimed. ‘I told you that's what made me so angry!'

‘Please take the time to think, Harry. Did you really hear Professor Snape say that word?'

Puzzled, Harry hesitated. ‘Well... not the whole word,' he finally admitted, ‘I didn't let him finish. But it was obvious what he was going to say!'

‘What makes you so sure he wasn't just going to say "Muggle-born"?' Dumbledore asked sharply. ‘You jumped to a conclusion.'

‘Well, his precious Slytherins call her Mudblood all the time! And I never see him object!' Harry replied indignantly.

‘Have you ever witnessed them saying it in his presence?' Dumbledore inquired.

Harry had to think hard about it. ‘No,' he admitted reluctantly, ‘but Hermione is so smart and he always makes fun of  her and puts her down, even in class. It's got to be because she's Muggle-born!'

Dumbledore frowned. ‘As I just said, Harry, you must not jump to conclusions so often. I will tell you this now, and I want you always to remember: With Professor Snape there is much that is not as it seems.'

He let these words sink in and added, his voice full of conviction: ‘Professor Snape would never refer to a student by that offensive term.'

‘Oh yes, he would!' Harry protested. ‘I know he called my mother a Mudblood, and that was even after she helped him!'

‘I see. Am I right to assume you are referring to a certain memory?'

Harry nodded.

‘That was more than 20 years ago, when Professor Snape was merely fifteen. What's more, would you deny that he found himself in rather an unpleasant situation at the time? Have you never found yourself saying something in the heat of the moment and only to later regret it? You've never said anything to Mr Weasley or Ms Granger that you later wished you could erase from their memory?'

Harry muttered something inaudible, feeling ashamed that the headmaster obviously knew the memory and was aware about what his father had done.

‘How would you like it if a person judged you from how you reacted in such a degrading, humiliating situation? Don't you think it possible that even you might, in a similar situation, have snapped at Ms Granger if she had rescued you?'

Harry didn't answer and dropped his head. He could remember the furious and helpless feeling so well, what it was like to be bullied in front of a large group of onlookers.

‘I expect an answer, Harry,' Dumbledore insisted, his tone sharp, and Harry's head shot up again. He now felt beyond uncomfortable and even wondered if he just shouldn't have accepted whatever Snape had wanted to deal out. Any whacking would have been better than having Dumbledore speak to him like this. Well, not necessarily better, he told himself when he remembered the excruciating lines of agony that had striped his bum when Snape had caned him, but not much worse, either, and it would have been over by now.

‘Erm, I guess I might say something awful in that situation, sir, and I wouldn't like to be judged by it for the rest of my life, sir', he muttered.

‘I thought you wouldn't. So I hope you understand that Professor Snape got angry when you mentioned that particular memory.' There was a short pause. ‘After all, what your father did to him that day is unexcusable.'

‘I know!' Harry exclaimed, feeling defensive. ‘Really, I do, and when I saw it I really felt sorry for Snape, I mean, Dudley has done the same thing to me. Well, okay, maybe not quite as bad, but I know how he must have felt. But I mean, that's not my fault, there's nothing I can do about it, or do you want me to apologize to him for what my father did?' he challenged.

‘No, Harry', the headmaster replied quietly. ‘You are only supposed to apologize for what you did.'

‘But I didn't do anything!'

‘You looked,' Dumbledore said simply.

‘Yes,' Harry said miserably. ‘I did, and I wish I hadn't. It was horrible to see my father behave like he did.'

Dumbledore watched him with a stern expression on his face. ‘So this is why you regret having looked? Because it showed you James in an unfavourable moment?'

Harry just nodded. He had so few memories of his parents, it made him feel sick that one of the strongest memories of his father was of the man - well, boy - being a despicable bully. He was surprised to see the headmaster frown at him.

‘While I can understand why that would bother you, it disappoints me that you do not also regret it because of Professor Snape. You violated his privacy. How do you think he feels about your having seen him in such a situation?'

Harry swallowed hard. ‘Horrible,' he muttered. But then he defended himself, ‘But sir, during those lessons he saw a lot of things from my life that were embarrassing for me. If he was so concerned about privacy, why didn't he give me the chance to hide things from him as well?'

‘Professor Snape and I did discuss that option', the old wizard replied. ‘However, we decided against it. I feared you might hide your visions in the Pensieve as well as any unpleasant childhood memories, and we did not feel we could risk that. Can you understand that?'

Harry gave a reluctant nod. ‘But I still don't agree!'

The headmaster sighed. ‘I know.'

After a pause, while both sat in thought, Dumbledore peered at Harry over the rim of his glasses. ‘As I have said, I know that Professor Snape is not a kind man, and I know that he often gives you a hard time in class. Now please tell me, did he ever use anything that he saw during Occlumency lessons against you?'

‘No', Harry admitted. Now that he thought about it, it really surprised him that his teacher hadn't.

‘I thought not', Dumbledore said sternly. ‘Professor Snape did not sink so low as to use the knowledge he gained from accessing your mind against you. But you did, Harry. You did.'

Harry closed his eyes. The headmaster was right - he had done the very thing that he had feared Snape would do, while the man had scrupulously avoided such an act. He felt truly horrible. The disappointment in Dumbledore's voice was hard to bear, and Harry thought it would have been easier if he had yelled at him. He cleared his throat and tried to find his voice.

‘So, when Sn.... erm, Professor Snape wanted to give me the cane today, do you think I deserved it?' he asked hesitantly.

‘I do', Harry flinched at that but the headmaster hadn't finished yet, ‘although I think you did the right thing in refusing this morning.'

Harry blinked in confusion. ‘I don't understand, sir'.

‘It was the right decision not to submit to Professor Snape's punishment if you feared he was too angry to deliver it in an appropriate manner. Besides, it wouldn't have made sense as you obviously didn't realize what you had done wrong.'

There was silence after these words. The old wizard leaned back in his chair, seemingly seeing no need to say anything more. Harry had an odd feeling in his stomach. What would Dumbledore do with him now? His thoughts wandered back to his last conversation with the old wizard, where the man had said it was highly unlikely that he would use corporal punishment, but he hadn't specified what he would do. Harry swallowed and forced himself to speak.

‘So, now that I have realized it... are you going to punish me?'

Dumbledore's face was sombre as he answered. ‘No Harry, I will not let you off so easily this time.'

Harry was more confused than ever by now. Not so easily this time? What was that supposed to mean? He considered the punishments he had lately received at Snape's hands to be anything but easy! He opened his mouth, but closed it again as he didn't know what to say. His confusion must have shown on his face, as the headmaster explained, ‘Punishment is rather a simple concept, Harry, and as such it works fine on children. As a child you do something wrong, you get punished and you hopefully learn from it. End of story. However, it is just a few months until you come of age, Harry, and so I think you should, now that you understand where you went wrong, be given the chance - and the obligation - to decide for yourself what you are going to do about it.'

‘You mean, I should punish myself?' Harry asked incredulously.

‘Not exactly,' Dumbledore said. ‘After all, we are not living in the Middle Age when people would flagellate themselves for their sins. Just think about what you feel you need to to. It is your decision; I will not force you to do anything.'

Harry was still sitting motionless in his chair. He suddenly noticed that he had his hands clenched into fists in his lap.Wiping his sweaty palms on his robe he found he was unable to say anything coherent. Dumbledore didn't seem to expect anything from him, either, for he merely peered at him and said, ‘That's all for now, then. You may go.'

‘Yes, sir,' Harry whispered as he rose from his chair, more confused than ever. He turned to go, feeling well and truly chastened and wondering what he could do to fix the situation.

As he reached for the doorknob, the headmaster spoke again. ‘Harry.'

Harry turned around, bracing himself for one final expression of the headmaster's disappointment in him.

‘Harry, standing on the threshold of adulthood is a difficult time for any young man. Circumstances have made it particularly difficult for you - lacking parents or loving guardians to help guide you, having enormous and unfair expectations placed upon you, living your life under constant public scrutiny... I just want you to know that, occasional lapses aside, I am very proud of the man you have become. And that is why I am confident that you will do the right thing in this situation.'

'Thank you, sir', Harry muttered, even more thunderstruck than when the headmaster had indicated that he should punish himself.

‘And, Harry,' there was a new tone in the headmaster's voice, and Harry's heart leaped as he finally recognized a twinkle in the old man's eye. It wasn't as bright as usual, but it was definitely there, for the first time in the entire interview. ‘you will learn from this experience and you will become a better person from it. Of this I am confident. Another challenge you must face at your time of life is the absence of the sense of perspective that experience will give you. As dreadful as your recent behaviour has been, it is not the end of the world - though you may find yourself having to endure some unpleasant moments with Professor Snape in the near term.'

Harry couldn't suppress a grimace, and the headmaster's small smile widened.  ‘Off you go then, Harry.'