-II-

"You little monsters!" Severus exclaimed and filled his hands with water and splashed it in Harry's direction.

Black Hawk joined the game and splashed Draco. After a few minutes, the bathroom was a mess. When the door was pulled open and Light Arrow appeared in the door frame, they all stood like deer caught in the headlights. "You mother assigned me to tell you that the cleaning cloths are in the cabinet under the sink. She will come up here in ten minutes, and if the bathroom isn't looking tip-top by then, you two-" Light Arrow pointed at Severus and Black Hawk. "-will carry the manure for the beds with your bare hands from the manure heap to the garden."

"Why only us two? They have made the mess as well," Severus protested.

Light Arrow lifted his eyebrow. "Do you really want to discuss that with me?"

Severus groaned and splashed over to the small cabin under the sink.

"I thought so," Light Arrow stated. "Ten minutes, boys!" With a grin he left the bathroom. It felt good that they behaved like normal boys for some time. If they only they would do it where their strict mother couldn't see them; she had absolutely no sympathy for rough play at all.

-II-

"Hey, little fellow," Red Horse cooed to the colorful lizard in his hand.

Harry was, not for the first time, reminded of Hagrid when he looked at the large man that was treating the little lizard with so much care.

"It's an Eastern Collared Lizard. Isn't he beautiful," Red Horse said dreamily.

Yes, it was beautiful. The lizard had a red-orange head and the rest of his body was bluish. To Harry, it looked more like a chameleon than a regular lizard.

"Most people here in Oklahoma just call it mountain boomer," Light Arrow added.

Draco wasn't really interested in the lizard. He was searching for snakes, so he let his eyes roam over the rocky area they were standing in. Maybe they could find a rattlesnake under one of the bigger rocks, but it seems that Light Arrow wanted to avoid poisonous snakes.

"Let's go on, Red Horse," the old man instructed and didn't let Red Horse out of view.

The big man looked sad when he sat the lizard down. It seemed he had hoped he could let the lizard slip in his pocket when Light Arrow wasn't looking. Red Horse had lost count of how many times Light Arrow had caught him keeping animals in his room or the stables. He was always forced to set them free because Light Arrow was against keeping animals against their will. Only the chickens would he lock up at night, but just for their safety.

Sighing Red Horse watched the little lizard run and hide under a rock again. How much he wished to be a tongue shifter. He would gladly exchange all of his brawny body to be able to have the gift. Speaking with animals must be something very interesting - much more interesting than speaking with humans.

"Come on, boys. The river isn't far away, and I hope that we will find some watersnakes sunbathing," Light Arrow said and led the way.

"Wait!" Red Horse said when they finally arrived in the woody area close to the river. He crouched down and lifted a stone.

Harry and Draco never had seen a bizarre creature like this. Okay, they had, but they had been magical creatures, and the one they looked at right at that moment wasn't.

"Look, it's a western hog-nosed snake," Red Horse exclaimed, excited.

The little snake was around twenty inches long and a bit thick. The funniest part of it was the nose. It had a pointed, upturned snout. The body was tan to brown with dark blotches along its sides and back. The snake had spread out its neck and hissed madly at Red Horse, who looked in fascination at it and grabbed blindly for a branch.

"It's a funny fellow. Look," Red Horse said and poked the snake with the branch.

"You killed it!" Draco exclaimed, shocked. How could Red Horse - who loved animals so much - kill this snake for fun?

"I didn't," Red Horse said shocked and stood up abruptly.

The snake lay on its back, totally limp with its tongue hanging out of its mouth. They could now see the dark coloration running the length of the snake's underside.

Harry looked shocked as well. He had wanted to try to speak with the snake, but now it was dead, and he was responsible for it because he had asked them to look for snakes. Stepping backwards he collided with Light Arrow who grabbed him gently by his arms. "It's not dead; it's just pretending to be dead. Funny strategy to survive, isn't it?" Light Arrow said cheerfully to lighten the mood.

"I would never," Red Horse said sadly and looked at Draco hurt.

"I'm sorry, I... I just thought..." Draco stuttered. Unable to finish the sentence, he looked down ashamed.

"I know what you thought," Red Horse said hurt and gently drew a large stone closer to the snake so it could hide. "Everyone, just thinks I'm..." He grabbed at the sand frustrated, balling a fist.

Light Arrow let go of Harry to go over to Red Horse, but Draco was faster. He laid a hand on Red Horses shoulder. "I'm sorry, Red Horse. Why can't you forgive me?"

"I could never... I..."

"I know, I was just so shocked that it looked dead. I thought you gave it a heart attack. I didn't think you would have killed it on purpose, Red Horse. You must stop taking everything I say so seriously. I trust you. I know you wouldnh't harm any... any animal or anything else. Please stop being mad," Draco said sadly, his hand still resting on the man's shoulder.

"I'm not mad," Red Horse said and stood up. He turned to look directly in Draco's eyes, and the two just looked intensively at each other for some seconds, as if reading the other one's thoughts.

"Look it's gone!" Harry said, pretending to be surprised to get Draco and Red Horse out of their depressing moods. It worked, and they all looked at the place where the little actor had laid a few seconds before.

"I think we should give it a rest. I'm sure we will find some other snakes for you to speak with," Light Arrow suggested. "A snake which is playing dead may not be keen on speaking."

Now that Harry thought back to what just happened, he remembered the hissing. "I... I think I lost it," Harry said sadly. "I think I could just hear hissing."

"Maybe you were just distracted, Harry. Let's try another snake," Draco said and rubbed Harry's shoulder encouragingly.

Harry looked puzzled at the blond boy. That gesture just was so uncommon for Draco. The Draco Harry knew before the torture in the dungeons was like this, making jokes and patting shoulders or bopping his friends. After the torture in Malfoy's Mansion, he had never been like this, not even with Harry. Thus, it stunned the black-haired boy.

"What? You cannot give up so easily," Draco said, interpreting the puzzled expression incorrectly. "You can find more snakes, right Red Horse?" With that he turned to look at the big man again.

"Sure. We hope there are some watersnakes sunbathing close to the shore." Obviously, Red Horse had calmed down again and now was as eager as Draco to find more snakes. Harry tried to show some enthusiasm and followed them, but his heart wasn't with them. For an unknown reason, Harry felt that he wasn't able to speak with snakes anymore, and he felt empty for it. Grabbing for his chest, he pinched himself to fight the feeling of emptiness. He held his breath when he saw Light Arrow pause and move his head as if he was listening to something. Harry's hand rested against his chest not daring to move let alone pinch again.

"Do we have to go back?" Red Horse asked, knowing exactly what the behavior of his father figure meant. Something in his magical wards must have alarmed the old man.

Light Arrow shook his head irritated. "No." It confused him a lot that he couldn't identify the crazy signals his wards gave him lately. They came randomly, and they never were strong enough for him to recognize them as what they were nor by what they were caused. "Let's go on."

At the river they found the most beautiful snake Draco had ever seen in his life. A Marcy's Checkered Gartersake, as Red Horse had informed them. The tan snake had back marks running the length of this body, making a checkered pattern, with the exception of its head, which was a slightly darker shade of tan. It also had a light stripe running down its back, which seemed to emphasize how amazingly flexible the snake was. It completely ignored the nearby wizards, choosing to continue its sunbathing instead.

"Hey," Harry said to nearly three foot snake after Draco looked so expectantly at him.

The snake didn't even lift its head. It was so depressing, and Harry just wanted to go back to the camp, but didn't want to disappoint Draco.

Light Arrow laid his arm around Harry's shoulders. "Don't be disappointed, Harry."

"I really liked being able to speak with snakes, even though everyone told me it was bad."

"People are often scared of things they can't understand or explain. There isn't anything bad to be able to speak with snakes or any other animal," Light Arrow explained seriously.

Harry just sighed. He would really like to claw at his chest again, but he knew he couldn't risk it so close to Light Arrow or his one-to-one counseling would never end. The last few nights he hadn't needed to hurt himself to fall asleep; he was exhausted enough by all of what happened over the day, but he knew that would change soon.

/

"Why do you still have to sleep in my room? It's been five nights now!" Harry protested.

"Because Light Arrow says so, and he has his reasons," Black Hawk said dryly and turned around on his sleeping mat to face the opposite side. He was sick of Harry's complaining.

"But I didn't do anything wrong. I was good. I was good with Tohiadedi, and I helped to chop the fire wood. There has been nothing wrong the last three days," Harry whined.

Black Hawk growled. "Discuss it with Light Arrow and not with me. Now sleep! I have to drive the others into school tomorrow morning and would like to do it awake."

Harry hit the wall frustrated. Yes, that felt damn good.

"I would be careful or you will have your opportunity to speak with the old man earlier than you may wish for," Black Hawk said threateningly. Black Hawk was frustrated. He was sick of Harry constantly wearing his mask and trying to play a game with them. He knew that something wasn't right with Harry, and he knew that the boy had gotten more and more edgy. Soon he would break - maybe even tonight. This time Black Hawk would fake being asleep and would watch out for any signs of Harry hurting himself. He only had to wait long enough to see real scars of Harry's doing. He had caught Harry last night, but the teen had vehemently denied it. This time Black Hawk would be more patient.

Harry pulled his pillow over his head. Finally, he could only hear his own blood rushing through his ears. It was soothing, but not soothing enough to fall asleep. He needed to feel pain to get that lovely, soothing feeling again. The feeling that he was still alive; that the shell he was living in was really his body.

Lately Harry was very confused about his feelings. He realized that he was feeling more and more safe, and even happy. As if he finally had found a family, that he was loved, could relax and enjoy living. The problem was that he knew it wasn't real; he knew he wasn't allowed to feel happy and safe. He was responsible for the deaths of his best friends, and he had to suffer for it. Cursing the old man for changing him, he pressed the cushion harder to his ears. Why did this family here have to make him feel happy and safe? Why did they have to make this all so hard? Harry no longer wanted to kill the Death Eaters; he was certain about that. Unfortunately, that made his guilt become worse and that made his urge to hurt himself worse as well. Shouldn't he want to seek revenge for his friends no matter what?

All of that left only two options: killing himself or living with the guilt. It hurt physically more than he could describe. He knew he could not speak with anybody about it. Light Arrow and Black Hawk wouldn't let him out of sight if he were to tell them or any other adult about it. Severus was finally back to his old self. The meetings with Doc Martens really helped him, so how could Harry destroy that by telling him how bad he felt lately? Hermione wouldn't think twice and tell Dumbledore or Severus about it. So she wasn't an option either. Draco would break; he was so happy lately. He had really become friends with Red Horse. They often sat together after taking care of the horses or chickens. Draco had found a family now. He had even admitted that he was in love with Hermione and had asked Harry if it was okay or if he should try to do something about it when they were back in England or when she comes to visit them. Yes, Draco was fine and happy. Only Harry, the damn freak, wasn't.

Harry realized that he had started to scratch his arms again. Thank Merlin that Black Hawk was snoring slightly beside him already. It felt so good that Harry even sighed, relieved. No matter how long he scratch this time it wasn't enough. The bad thoughts pulled him deeper and deeper into his black hole, and he was overwhelmed by the urge to hurt himself.

Slowly but steady, the urge changed from wanting to hurt himself to no longer being able to live like this. He wanted it all to stop, but how? Not for a single minute longer could he live like this. Peace was all he wanted, and the guilt he felt would never make that possible.

How? How could he kill himself without them noticing or reversing it? There were a lot of poisonous snakes out in the open land, but they never left Harry alone, and so he couldn't end it like that. And it needed to end right now and here or Harry would go crazy. There was only one possibility. Wandless magic. Maybe he was capable of it if he wanted it hard enough. Harry pressed his hand against his chest and closed his eyes so hard it hurt. "Avada Keda-"

"Stop it!" Black Hawk roared and pulled Harry's hand from his chest brutally.

Harry had the feeling Black Hawk would break his arm. He was hauled out of the bed and now stood in front of a very furious Black Hawk. Harry trembled. Maybe he didn't need to kill himself anymore, Black Hawk would do it for him. His pajama sleeves were pulled up, and he could hear Black Hawk groan in frustration.

Black Hawk grabbed his pajama front and pulled Harry close to his face. With a death glare he spoke to the shivering boy in his clutches. "It seems the old man wasn't alerted by now, so we will do it my way."

Harry gulped. "What do you mean?"

"What do I mean? Why do you care? I thought you wanted to die?" Black Hawk mocked Harry.

That made Harry furious. Black Hawk wasn't taking him seriously. He would show him. He grabbed for Back Hawks sleeping shirt and pulled forcefully on it. "You think I'm having fun, right? You think I'm weak and don't mean it! But you are wrong; I want to die and you will not stop me. I can't live like this. You all changed me, and I hate you for it. I no longer want to kill them and that makes me a stupid, weak looser. You made a fucking looser and coward out of me!"

"You don't want to die!" Black Hawk screamed back.

"I want to, you fucking bastard! I want to but you all think you have to control me. It's my fucking life, and I want to end it now!" He swung his right fist and it collided hard with Black Hawk's chin.

Black Hawk was surprised for one second, but so was Harry. The boy winced when Black Hawk grabbed him forcefully at his neck and pulled him over to the cupboard. "You have one minute to dress or you will die in your pajamas," Black Hawk said dangerously and gave Harry's neck a forceful push before he let go and started to dress himself.

Harry was shocked. He had no idea what Black Hawk had in mind, but when he saw the man change his clothes, Harry decided that wherever they were going, he didn't want to go in his pajama. He hardly had time to pull the shirt over his head when he was grabbed again and pushed over to the door. "My shoes."

"Not my problem. Stop shouting or they will hear us. If you want to die, you should keep your mouth shut until we are out of Light Arrow's earshot," Black Hawk said coldly and then opened the door to peek out.

Five minutes later they sat in the blue pickup and were driving to who-knows-where. Harry shivered. It was damn cold. He had no socks or shoes on. His jeans and thin shirt didn't protect him much against the cold. "Where are we going?"

"To die, what else? That's what you ask me for, wasn't it?" The Native American was pissed, very pissed. Harry had never seen Black Hawk like this. He felt bad, but he couldn't give in. He wanted to show the man that he meant it. That he wasn't a coward. He would kill himself if Black Hawk would give him the chance.

Black Hawk stopped the pick-up abruptly close to the river. He stepped out and came around to Harry's side, opened the door, and pulled Harry out of the truck by his arm.

When Black Hawk didn't let go, pulling him to the river and finally into the river, Harry tried to struggle. "What are you doing?"

"We are going to die, what else. That's what you asked from me, didn't you? Damn, make up your mind, Harry. I'm sick of it!" Black Hawk shook Harry.

"What do you mean with we?" Harry asked shocked. At least Black Hawk had stopped pulling him deeper into the river.

"Of course we. Do you think I would go back there? Tell Severus and our family that I let you kill yourself? Do you think I could live with the guilt of not being able to help you and look after you? Do you really think that?" Black Hawk was roaring. Harry was sure it could be heard in the camp. Why the hell did Harry have the feeling he wanted to get out of the river and just make it up with Black Hawk? Why did the obviously hurt feeling of his big friend here hurt more than the guilt he had felt a few minutes ago?

"I don't want you to die," Harry almost whispered.

"That's not your decision. It's mine. If you are going to kill yourself, then it will just have to be together with me!" Black Hawk said and started to pull Harry deeper into the river.

The cold water was making Harry's limbs numb. He shivered uncontrollably. When the water reached Harry's chest, Black Hawk stopped and turned his body to face him.

"Never in my whole life in this camp had I met someone that I felt so close to besides Severus. I failed you. I failed you badly. I'm not good enough for this job, I'm better off. I tried to kill myself several times, Harry. It's not easy, but I finally found a method that could work. The old man will feel our souls go away. He will break from it, but that's not our problem, right? We will be in peace then. He will not be fast enough to come here. He cannot apparate wandless, and he has to look for his wand before he will be able to apparate here. Until then, our body will be floating down the river by the current. He cannot bring us back to life. I did it once before, but I had the problem of Severus finding me. That will not happen today. We will be in peace and leave the others back to rot in their guilt. That's what you want, right?" His hands bored painfully in Harry's shoulders.

"No," Harry croaked miserably. His teeth shuddered so hard against each other that he feared they would break. It hurt so much with Black Hawk looking so broken and lost at the moment. Harry wanted to run back to the camp and get Light Arrow to help Black Hawk.

"But that's what it is, Harry. That's the price we have to pay for getting peace the easy way." He looked deeply in Harry's eyes. "It's always at the cost of others to have it easier. Like I said, you can hardly make it alone, so I will help you. I did it once, and I can do it again.

"I will keep us under water until we pass out. You will struggle, but I won't let go. That will be my payback on you for failing you. If there is something like a good and bad afterworld, then you will go to the good side because, technically, I killed you."

"But I don't want to be somewhere else than where you are," Harry said panicky and tried to step backwards.

Black Hawk didn't let him move. "But that's the only way. We can only be together in this world, Harry, and you decided against it. Let's get it over with!" With that he turned the boy around and pressed him against his chest.

"I'm sorry," the man whispered and then he dived down.