Chapter 24- Facing your fears

Christmas tea was very enjoyable. Harry told his Aunt and Uncle about almost everything he’d done, bar a special extra-curricular activity of his, and in turn Tonks updated them on the goings of the outside world, which weren’t much. Even though posters of Bellatrix Lestrange and Peter Pettigrew were everywhere people were going about their business normally. Apparently the whole wizarding world was under the impression that the escaped convicts were after Harry and therefore only the immediate area surrounding Harry was in danger. And since the news of the Minister stationing Dementors in Hogsmeade and Hogwarts had been highly publicized, they were fairly certain the convicts would be caught soon.

Apparently that was a misconception, according to Tonks; the Aurors had no more idea where the two Death Eaters could be hiding than any other civilian. Even though Pettigrew had been at Hogwarts with Wizarding ways of travel, they could be anywhere. Apparently Dumbledore had asked to expand the Apparition wards to Hogsmeade or at least put an alarm system in, but Fudge refused by saying the Dementors were more than enough.

Sirius was frustrated, and not only with Bellatrix-Pettigrew issue. He had managed to have Remus and Tonks sitting next to each other and noticed the affectionate looks his baby cousin was sending his best friend, but the stubborn werewolf was completely oblivious. Moony had always been clueless about women wanting him. He was so convinced they would hate him for his furry little problem that he never noticed anything. Usually it took Sirius to give him not so discreet pushes in the right direction. But this time things were tricky; this was his baby cousin after all. He couldn’t be overly open, this required finesse. He had to encourage a long lasting relationship, since any fling could be disastrous to interfamily relations, and at the same time instill the fear of the gods in Remus that if he hurt his baby cousin there would be dire consequences. He was almost her Uncle after all!

But there was no denying little Nymphadora was perfect for Remus. Just like Lily had been the opposite of James and had helped him mature, Tonks was the opposite of Remus. She was lively and outgoing in contrast to his ever calm and proper. He needed her to get him out of his shell. And, best of all, she was one of the people that already knew about his condition, so one less hurdle was in the way.

After tea, and after both Tonks and Sirius flew on the Firebolt, Harry and Remus (Sirius claimed he was behind on his grading and had to start as soon as possible) accompanied the three Tonks to the Headmaster’s office, where the Floo would be open to Grimmauld Place just this time so the Tonks’ wouldn’t have to Apparate. As they entered, they were met by the Headmaster and a very sour Potions Master with his usual scowl right in place.

“Oh, do cheer up Severus, it’s Christmas,” Andromeda said patting Severus’ cheek, to his horror. “You were always a sullen child.”

Harry had to bite back his snicker. Andromeda had been Head Girl the year his parents, Sirius, Remus and Severus started school. and since she had been a Slytherin she had been responsible for the Slytherin first years. Severus never lived it down. She always treated him like the little first year she had to watch over.  Andromeda had married Ted right after school and had had Tonks just a year afterwards. It was hard to remember that she was only seven years older than his dad and Uncles, especially given her tendencies to treat them as children.

“Goodbye Professors,” Tonks said her lips twitching, “And Happy Christmas.” She yelled as she Flooed away.

As Ted, the last of them Flooed away, Severus turned to Harry, “Wipe that smirk from your face young man!”

XXXXXXXX

“That’s, that’s-“

“Yes,” Harry said calmly as he handed Oliver his new broom in the middle of the Common Room.

Oliver fell to his knees and ran a reverent hand over the Firebolt. His eyes were shining with unshed tears of joy.

“The Cup is ours,” he whispered.

“Can I have a go Harry?” Ron asked not taking his eyes of the broom.

“Of course,” Harry said, “Next practice we’ll go early and I’ll let you try it.”

Oliver eyed Ron suspiciously and held the broom close to his chest, “What if you break it?”

Harry rolled his eyes and said firmly, “You won’t break it Ron. I trust you. Besides dad and Tonks already tried it and it’s still in one piece, isn’t it Oliver? If you want you can have a go too.”

Oliver’s eyes went wide and he had a goofy smile on him. It fell though as he said seriously, “Did you solve the Dementor problem Harry?”

“Yes, I have my first anti-Dementor lesson scheduled for Thursday.”

“Good,” Oliver said dreamily once again.

XXXXXXXX

Harry waited for Remus in the History of Magic classroom. As he was lighting the lamps, he saw his dad and Uncle come in floating a large packing case. He looked at it curious.

“What’s that?”

“Another Boggart,” Sirius said grimly positioning the case in the middle of the class while Remus waved his wand, causing the chairs and desks to move against the walls, “For the record, I want to state that I am very much against this.”

Remus, who looked like he agreed with Sirius but had decided to go against his better judgment, explained, “This is the closest we could get to a real Dementor. It’s not going to be the same; a Dementor will be worse. Normally I would just have you practice the Patronus Charm but since there is a good chance that you will have to face a Dementor sometime in the future, I don’t want it to have to be the first time you try the charm.”

Harry didn’t understand, wasn’t it enough to succeed at the charm?

Remus continued his lecture mode, “You see Harry, the key to a strong Patronus is to concentrate on a very powerful happy memory. The happier the memory the stronger the Patronus. That’s the tricky part, you see. It’s easy to remember something happy in a normal environment, but when the Dementors are dragging up your worst memories, it’s hard to remember anything happy. That’s why I want you to practice with the Boggart. To condition yourself to think of something happy as soon as you start feeling the Dementors.”

Harry nodded seriously.

“The Patronus is a protector,” Sirius continued, “It takes the form of an animal that represents something positive in your life. Something that makes you feel safe. The Patronus is the embodiment of what the Dementors feed off; happy memories and good feelings. This way the Dementor will be feeding off the Patronus instead of you, protecting you.”

“To cast a Patronus,” Remus continued, “You have to concentrate with all your might on a happy memory and say the incantation ‘Expecto Patronum’.”

Running through his head for a happy memory, Harry concentrated on the first time his dad let him on a broom by himself and repeated the incantation under his breath and gave a little start when a silver wisp of gas came out of his wand.

“Did you see that?” he asked eagerly.

“Yes,” Sirius said proudly, positioning himself behind Harry. “Are you ready?” At Harry’s nod Sirius nodded to Remus who flicked his wand from behind the case.

The case opened and a Dementor rose from the box. At once Harry started fiercely crying, “Expectro Patronum” but nothing happened. The darkness was getting nearer, the room was getting colder and Harry began to hear his mother’s screams.

“Not Harry! Not Harry! Please, I’ll do anything-“

“Stand aside – stand aside girl-“

“Harry!”

Harry opened his eyes and met Remus worried brown ones. He was seated on the floor, propped against Sirius’ chest, who was nervously running his hand through Harry’s hair in an attempt to both wake him and calm himself.

“Sorry,” he muttered sitting up and feeling cold sweat trickling behind his glasses.

“It’s not your fault,” Remus said handing him a piece of chocolate. Harry munched on the chocolate under his guardians’ watchful gazes.

“He told her to stand aside,” he mumbled, “Why would he do that?”

“What?” Sirius asked in a husky voice.

“Voldemort. He said ‘Stand aside- stand aside girl’. But she didn’t. She didn’t have to die. Why did she?” he asked them, looking in Sirius’ eyes.

Sirius put a hand on his shoulder and another on his cheek, “Because she loved you Harry. She could have never let anything happen to you.”

“But-“

“No buts Harry. They loved you and that’s why they protected you with their lives. We would too,” Remus said. “That’s their and ours decisions, you have no say in this.” Harry nodded jerkily not meeting their eyes as he took another bite of the chocolate.

“As for why Voldemort would want to spare her,” Sirius said, “I honestly have no idea. She was Muggleborn. She was what he hated. I truly don’t understand. Maybe he didn’t think she was worth the trouble… but then again, when did Voldemort have any trouble killing?”

Harry was really confused by this. He always knew his parents had died trying to protect him and, according to Dumbledore, his mother’s sacrifice is what had protected him. But hadn’t his father died to protect him too? Didn’t his sacrifice count? Other parents have died and tried to save their children; why did their sacrifice not count? Those were questions he always had but the fact that Voldemort wanted to kill him and not his mum was new. Why was that? What was so interesting in a little baby to make the most feared wizard alive want to kill him? He always assumed he had been collateral damage when Voldemort came after his parents.

“If you don’t want to continue, we more than unders-“ Remus started but was cut off by Harry getting up and pointing his wand at the case.

“I’m ready for another round.”

Sirius and Remus sighed deeply and positioned themselves the same as before, Remus opening the case, Sirius ready to catch Harry, and neither in the direct path of the Boggart. Harry thought hard once again and decided that the feeling of receiving his first Hogwarts Letter and becoming an official student would do. Remus opened the case, once again the Dementor rose and Harry cried with all his might:

“Expecto Patronum! Expecto Patronum!”

As the darkness surrounded him once again, he heard a voice he recognized as James Potter’s crying:

“Lily, take Harry and go! It’s him! Go! Run! I’ll hold him off-“

“Harry. Harry…wake up pup,” Sirius coaxed as he rubbed Harry’s cheek.

Harry opened his eyes and saw his dad was holding him again while Remus was once again kneeled next to both of them. Harry held Sirius and buried his face in Sirius’ chest.

“Pup, what’s wrong?” Sirius asked worried rubbing Harry’s back. Harry remained silent, his face hidden where Sirius and Remus couldn’t see the tears that were running down his cheeks.

“Pup?” Sirius asked softly pressing his face against Harry’s hair.

“He tried to hold him off while mum and I fled,” Harry mumbled on Sirius robes. “Dad tried to give us time to run.”

Two sharp intakes of breath let Harry know they had both heard him. It was a long while before any of them moved again and Harry insisted he wanted one last go. He said he wasn’t thinking happy enough and he couldn’t afford to lose another game. Remus went to the case grumbling about how only a Potter could want to learn a ridiculously advanced spell for Quidditch. Harry searched for one of his happiest memories and decided that Christmas morning of his second year would do. His first Christmas morning with both his Uncles and his dad. Once again the Dementor rose.

“EXPECTO PATRONUM!”

The screaming started again, except this time it sounded like it was coming from a badly tuned radio. Harry could still see and saw the Dementor’s progress halt as a silver shadow burst out of Harry’s wand and hovered between him and the Dementor. Harry’s legs felt like water but he was still on his feet.

“Riddikulus!” Remus roared, and in no time he had the Boggart back in the case.

“Well done Harry!” Sirius said, helping Harry who was all sweaty and shaky to a chair. Remus came over and handed chocolate around with a big smile on his face.

“It didn’t have a form though,” Harry mumbled.

“It was a lot more than we expected for your first lesson Harry,” Remus said sitting next to him.

“Can I-“

“No,” Sirius said forcibly, “That was already one try more than we wanted to allow. You have to recover from this. Next week we’ll try again.”

“Next week!” Harry cried, “Why not tomorrow?”

“Harry,” Remus started patiently cutting Sirius off, who looked like he was going to lose his patience, “This lesson is quite draining. You can feel that even if you don’t want to admit it. If we do it more than once a week you’ll get sick. No, it’s this or nothing, remember you promised to listen to me,” he finished sternly when Harry looked like he was going to protest.

“Okay,” Harry mumbled, munching his chocolate and giving the adults rebellious looks.

XXXXXXX

“So, how did it go? Is he okay? You didn’t over exert him did you?”

“Dear God Severus,” Sirius said faintly, “Do you want to give us heart attacks?”

Severus had been waiting for Sirius and Remus at the Marauders’ Quarters, and when he heard the portrait opening he swiftly positioned himself behind it, being the first thing Sirius saw.

“Well?” he asked impatiently.

“He’s fine. No we didn’t let him over exert himself even though he very much wanted to,” Sirius huffed as he dropped on the couch. Remus and Severus sat on the armchairs more sedately.

“Did he hear her again?” Severus asked softly.

“Yes,” Remus said rubbing his temple, “And James too.” He frowned and then said, “Harry heard Voldemort.”

“WHAT?”

“Well, he was there,” Sirius said impatiently.

“Harry said Voldemort told Lily to stand aside,” Remus continued with a confused expression, “Do you know why he would do that?”

Severus definitely looked uncomfortable, “How do you expect me to fathom what was going through the mind of that lunatic?”

“You knew him better than us,” Sirius shrugged.

“Maybe he wasn’t interested in Lily and Potter,” Severus said in a low tone, “Maybe they were just in the way.”

“Voldemort killed for fun,” Sirius rolled his eyes, “Them being in the way would be just more fun for him. And that’s another thing; Dumbledore told us Voldemort had been after Harry. But why? Why waste his time and energy on a baby? How could a one-year-old pose such a threat to him?”

“How am I supposed to know? Ask Dumbledore!” Severus said angrily and stalked away, slamming the portrait shut.

“What’s got into him?” Sirius asked bewildered.

“He loved Lily you dolt,” Remus said rolling his eyes, “This can’t be a pleasant subject.”

“Aw, come on Moony. There was never anything between them more than friendship.”

“Not on Lily’s side no. But anyone could see Severus loved her,” At Sirius incredulous look Remus asked, “What’s Severus’ Patronus, Sirius?”

“A doe,” Sirius said and enlightened he added, “That’s how he knew Lily’s Animagus. She’s his Patronus.”

“Good to know you’re not that dense,” Remus smirked.

‘That dense! Look who’s talking, Mr. Oblivious to a certain Metamorphmagus in love!’

XXXXXXXXXXXX

As the weeks went by, Harry had Anti-Dementor lessons, Quidditch practice, normal classes, his Animagus research that he had to do without his friends finding out, much to Sirius’ delight since that meant that it took Harry longer, and off course, time to run around with his friends.

The adults weren’t having a simple life either; apart from normal classes and grading, Sirius and Remus had Anti-Dementor classes with Harry which were draining for them too since they also felt the effects of the Dementors, and Sirius had Animagus training with Severus who was getting highly frustrated. Until now he had only been able to Transfigure some of his skin into fur, and not that much of it as it was sparse and thin.

“You have to believe you can do it Sev,” Sirius said sighing. “It’s like any other kind of magic. You know you can, so you do.”

“Yes, I know, be the damn wolf,” Severus grunted, “It’s not that simple, you know?”

“I know,” Sirius said as he sat in front of Severus on the floor, “I’ve been there. And it’s like I said, you have to believe you can do it. I am not saying you say ‘Oh, right. I can do this.’ And puft, you’re done. It’s deeper. It’s inside you that you have to believe and want this.”

“You think I don’t want-“ Severus started but Remus, who had been in the room grading essays the whole time, said calmly as he stepped towards the duo.

“Sirius, why don’t you stop for today?”

“But Moony-“

“Why don’t you go have a nice shower? You’re exhausted too. Let me and Severus chat.”

Sirius huffed but obeyed. He got up and stalked to his room. Remus motioned for Severus to sit on one of the armchairs and took the other, resting his elbows on his knees.

“Are you afraid of your wolf?” Remus asked bluntly.

“I am not afraid of anything,” Severus blistered.

“Fine,” Remus said calmly, “But it would be perfectly understandable considering your first encounter to a creature similar to a real wolf. I would be terrified of getting near another. I would be even more terrified of becoming one.”

“Sirius said you didn’t talk to him for two months,” Severus asked as if he wasn’t all that interested, but he didn’t fool Remus.

“No, I didn’t. To be honest, for a while I believed I’d never be able to look at him again much less be his friend.”

“Why did you then? Forgive him, I mean?”

Remus breathed slowly and leaned back in the chair. With a pensive expression he said, “One night, after his detention, Sirius came back to the dorm. I was alone. I don’t remember what James and Peter were doing, but I remember Sirius. He was pale and shaking. I looked at him for the first time in two months and saw that those months hadn’t been gentle to him. He had the look of someone who had lost a lot of weight in a short period of time, which he did. Sirius, who could stuff his face with the whole welcoming feast and still have space for more hadn’t eaten properly in all that time. I found out later that McGonagall had to force him to eat with the threat of spoon-feeding him in the middle of the Great Hall. He had bags under his eyes that told me he had many sleepless nights, which I had already known about. In those two months, Sirius made a point of going to bed only when he knew we were already asleep and waking up before everybody so as to not impose. He walked to me and handed me his wand. He said “You can drag it on; I’ll deserve it but please be swift.” I stared at him confused. I had no idea what he was going on about and of course asked him what the bloody hell he meant. He looked at me in the eyes and simply said, “You can kill me.””

Severus paled; he had thought Sirius had been exaggerating when he said he told Remus he could kill him.

“My reaction exactly. I got angry. Said he had to stop being a bloody idiot and he crumbled, he was crying and saying that he almost killed me so I had the right to kill him. I was shocked and scared; how could he break down like that? Sirius was always so proud, so strong, never letting anything get to him. Not his family’s cruel remarks, not the other Gryffindors saying he didn’t belong in our house and telling him to go back to Slytherin. That’s a big part of his animosity towards you; Slytherin represents his family and all they did to hurt him. I believe the first time you met you said you wanted to be in Slytherin didn’t you?” at Severus’ nod Remus continued, “There, with the simplicity and naivety that only eleven year olds can have, Sirius decided you were like them and therefore the enemy. James was jealous of you, because of Lily. But Sirius, Sirius projected in you all his hurt and hate towards the Blacks. It’s neither right nor fair, but it’s what he did. But I digress, I saw strong, proud Sirius in a way I never thought possible; broken. And it tore my heart to see him like that. I had already, rationally, realized Sirius hadn’t done it on purpose, he had done it on the spur of the moment in anger, and believed you wouldn’t go.”

Severus nodded, “I may have goaded him. Fine, I made fun of you being sick all the time,” Severus conceded in a huff.

Remus nodded, “Sirius is hot headed and very protective of those he loves. But especially, he rarely thinks things through before he does them. The biggest example of all is going after Peter that November morning. But the fact stands that I was still fifteen and hurt, and even though I had realized he didn’t do it on purpose shortly after the incident, I still kept my anger, and Peter and James did so too in loyalty to me, but I didn’t realize how much I hurt Sirius until that moment. And it was then that I realized how much he meant to me, how much they all meant. He was my brother, and nothing hurt me more than seeing him in pain like that. I didn’t forget nor forgive what he did. I can’t, he risked all our lives. But I forgave him. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes, and sometimes, to be able to still be with the people we love, we have to look past those mistakes and go on with life.”

Severus nodded stiffly. Remus surveyed him calmly. After a period of silence Remus said, “With the Wolfsbane you so kindly provide, I am perfectly safe. You can come one night and stay with us. You just have to wait until I transform to make sure the potion worked. Once we’re sure, Sirius can open the door for you. Maybe this will help you get over your fears.”

“I’ve seen you transformed. The night Quirrell took Harry.”

“That night you were so worried about Harry that I am pretty sure that the fact that you were in the same room as a werewolf didn’t even completely register. This time you will come perfectly aware of where and with whom you’ll be.”

“Well, hum, that could be, hum useful,” Severus said, “Academically speaking of course.”

“Of course,” Remus said rolling his eyes.

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