"You must be kidding me!" Harry exclaimed, staring at his wife.

"I'm lucky you didn't invent this a few years ago," Severus commented, smirking at Hermione. He was lucky that Filius hadn't invented it back then when Severus had wanted to leave Hogwarts, he realised.

"Well, now that we will be living here, and now that we are going to have a baby, the Jarveys can't keep throwing profanities right, left and centre. It wouldn't be good for Chrissy to hear that," Hermione explained.

Severus wondered what else was going to change in his household now that the newly-wed couple had moved in. Why had he agreed to it, again? Hermione and Harry had probably rubbed off on him during their numerous stays.

"Hermione," Harry moaned. "Chrissy won't be born for eight months! She can't hear anything yet."

Severus felt for Harry. The couple had only arrived two days ago, but Hermione was grating on his nerves too, with her constant 'Chrissy this and Chrissy that'. He hoped that would pass with time. Severus could remember when Narcissa was pregnant with Draco; she hadn't talked about the baby, baby food, baby clothes, baby illnesses et cetera, et cetera. Narcissa had kept her favourite topics - fashion, jewels, gossip, and power. Severus hoped Hermione would turn her thoughts back to the academic soon.

Demosthenes ran into the kitchen like a rogue typhoon. "What the *beep* is this? What's the *beep* beeping?"

"It's a Profanity Banning Spell," Hermione informed him smugly, her hand on her - still very plain - stomach. "You are the first ever living being that it was used on." She gave Harry and Severus a triumphant look, as if to say 'See? Works exactly as I told you'.

"I *beep* never heard about a *beep* *beep* spell, you *beep* *beep* *beep*," the Jarvey raged, looking more and more frustrated with every banned dirty word.

Harry started to laugh. Severus had to admit that the indignant-looking, beeping Jarvey was really funny.

"I got my inspiration from Muggle world; I was inspired by computer programs which delete every impolite word in discussions or reports broadcast in TV," Hermione informed them all, "I think that there's a big potential for the Wizarding world to imitate Muggle inventions with the use of magic."

There is something in that, Severus had to admit to himself. If his father hadn't been such a bloody wanker - beep, beep, he thought in wry amusement - and Severus hadn't shut down his connections to Muggle world, and its technical inventions, he might have invented some spells or charms himself. Or maybe there would be something of use in the Muggle chemistry inventions? He mused.

Demosthenes didn't seem to be as interested or inspired as Severus, though. He spat another sentence full of beeping sounds at Hermione, and left the room in a similar manner to which he had come.

Potter was still laughing like a lunatic.

Until Demosthenes returned with the other two adult Jarveys and the pups.

Finally, Severus had to end the situation that followed by six well-aimed Petrificus Totalus spells, one of which was saved for Harry.

"Did you consider choosing a less aggravating sound?" he asked Hermione in the silence, his ears still ringing.

"No," the witch answered him absentmindedly. "I am considering a variation..." She trailed off, and then sharply turned on her heel, and left, mumbling something about 'more research needed'.

***  °°°   ***

Of course, Severus knew from his own experience with potions, making a variation often required much more time than the original charm - or potion - took.

Chrissy - and they already knew it was going to be Christine, not Christian - was about to be born when Hermione proudly announced her success.

"This variation, that I decided to name Profanity Broadcast Banning Spell," she announced to Severus, Harry, and the Jarveys. "Will satisfy both parties."

Severus realised it had been nearly four months since they all met in the living-room last time. After the original spell had been unleashed on the Jarveys, they had started to be gradually more rude and aggravating; their stunts escalating with each passing day. Harry's pranking them back hadn't helped the situation any.

 Everything ended by the Jarveys' protest pee on the carpet in the living-room - it was unbelievable how that smelled - which had made Severus lose his patience finally. The day after, Severus bought an already-done small, wooden cottage that he un-shrunk out of hearing distance from his house, and he banned the Jarveys to stay there, taking the Profanity Banning Spells off them. After that, there had been something of a frosty truce between the humans and Jarveys; they had rarely seen each other anymore.

Severus realised he had missed Demosthenes and his wry humour, and sharp tongue. Even the profanities.

"It allows Jarveys to talk to each other in an - eh - unrestricted way  but humans won't hear the dirty words," Hermione continued. "Thus, the Jarvey will have to keep their speech 'clear' enough if they want witches and wizards to understand them," she went on with a sharp glance at the animals.

Severus wondered how long it would take the Jarveys to realise that they could very easily insult people without using any dirty words. He had been using that method all the time when he was teaching at Hogwarts. Not to distress the soon-to-be-mother, he kept his mouth shut, though.

"Great work, Hermione," Harry told her with his complete and never-failing loyalty to his wife; he got a very nice smile as a reward.

The witch then turned to Severus and proudly informed him, "I also changed the beeping sound to a very discreet level."

"Thank you," Severus nodded at her gratefully. He well-remembered one of the Jarveys' stunts when they had decided to deafen them all with beeping noises.

***  °°°   ***

"What did that mean, Grandpa?" Chrissy asked Severus.

"Eh, well, that meant the Demosthenes wasn't satisfied with his lunch," Severus translated for her very freely the Jarveys' 'I have never had such a horrible inedible dish cooked by such an inexperienced and untalented cook in my long calamity-stricken life!'

Hermione and the Jarvey family's relationship hadn't improved much in the past three years. They still mostly ignored each other. The Jarveys carefully threw round-about insults at the wizards when she wasn't present.

"I liked it," Chrissy told him, puzzled, "it was nice."

She was a lovely mixture of Harry and Hermione, and Severus didn't know how he could have ever thought he didn't like children.

"Yes, I liked it too," he answered gently, "now, how about going to the meadow and finding your mother some flowers as a 'thank you' before she comes back from work?"

"Yes! Yes!" She gave him a very Harry-like smile, hopping down from her high chair in a blood-freezing manner, and running out of the door.

'Gryffindors,' Severus mumbled and followed her before any dangerous adventure happened upon her.

***  °°°   ***

They lived happily ever after. Goodnight, dear fanfics readers!  :-D