Severus spent the entire lunch period in the Great Hall eating his lunch as slowly as he could and dreadfully taking up conversations with Professors Flitwick and Sprout while waiting for Harry to show up for the afternoon meal. Harry was normally in the Great Hall by now on Saturdays and as the lunch hour was winding down and there was still no sign of the boy, he couldn't help but begin to feel extremely worried. It really wasn't like him to miss lunch. At times he might not eat, but he always showed up in the Great Hall. Severus had to tell himself that most likely Harry was too caught up with his friends and had lost track of time. Though he immediately remembered Harry at breakfast. He had looked extremely miserable and his friends were no where in sight. Maybe Harry was with Remus.
The instant that thought crossed his mind, he felt a sense of extreme hatred toward the werewolf wash over him and he clenched his hands into tight fists under the table. The more he thought about it though, hatred wasn't exactly what he was feeling. But whatever it was, he didn't like the feeling at all. As he sat there trying to tune out Professor Flitwick's tale of his last great duel, one word flashed through his mind. Jealousy. But why should he feel jealous of Remus? There was no reason to feel jealous was there?
He knew Remus had become friends with Harry almost instantly during his third year. They probably talked about Remus' days at Hogwarts and about James and Lily. Harry most likely shared his hopes, dreams, and fears with him. And he knew Harry felt comfortable enough to seek Remus out at times to talk and always wanted to spend time with the man.
What was there for him to feel jealous of?
Severus knew Harry hated him. He went out of his way to stay clear of him, and wanted nothing to do with him. Harry wouldn't even speak with him unless absolutely necessary.
If Severus was by himself, he would have given a sad laugh. Instead he quickly stood up and left the Great Hall for his quarters, not caring that he left in the middle of a conversation with Professor Flitwick or that Harry had yet to show up.
He entered his quarters, lit a fire in the fireplace and sat down on the sofa. With elbows resting on his knees, he put his head in his hands and tried to get a handle on this new-found insecurity. When did Harry worm his way into his heart where one random thought could cause all these feelings?
He knew there was nothing to feel jealous of. He had something more important over Remus. Something Remus could never obtain. Harry was his son. Or was he? By blood he was, but that really didn't matter in the end. If Harry never wanted to have that type of relationship with him, then being his son meant nothing and Remus won. Remus could not win.
Severus slammed his hands down on the seat cushions a few seconds later at his complete lapse of judgment. This was not a contest and Harry was not the prize. The only thing that mattered was Harry's happiness. If the boy was happier without him, than that would be the way it was, as much as it would crush him. He rubbed his temples and closed his eyes as he leaned his head back against the sofa. Harry was bringing out feelings he thought died within him years ago and he didn't care at all for this newest one.
~SH~
Harry paced back and forth in front of the stairs leading toward the dungeons, with arms crossed and biting on his right thumbnail. He didn't know what to do. He was in desperate need to talk, but everyone he wanted to talk with brushed him off in some way, intentionally and unintentionally. No one seemed to care about him when he needed them the most. He knew those thoughts weren't all true, however. Professor Snape seemed to care. And he even offered to talk with him.
He stopped his pacing and looked down the dark staircase. His only option was currently residing down there in the dungeons. But he knew that wasn't entirely true either. When that student interrupted Remus and himself earlier in the day, he could have mentioned to Remus that he wanted to talk. Knowing Remus, he would have told the student to wait and they would have talked. So why didn't he tell Remus he wanted to talk? Did he really just want to talk to the Potions Master but need an excuse? Before he could even answer himself, he began walking down the stairs. So caught up in his thoughts, he didn't notice Hermione rounding a corner and looking at him in confusion when he began walking down the stairs and out of sight.
Glad he didn't meet anyone in the dungeon corridors, Harry reached the door to the professor's quarters a few minutes later. He took a deep breath and knocked on the wooden door. While he waited for admission, he noticed the uneasiness that had been present in his stomach since last night, was easing slightly, almost to point of being non-existent.
"Who is it?" Severus snapped from inside.
Harry stared at the door in slight shock. This was a mistake. Professor Snape was obviously irritated at being interrupted at whatever it was he was doing. And if the professor was already in this type of mood, there would be no way he would even consider talking to the man. With surprising disappointment and without uttering a word in response, he dropped his head and turned around. However he didn't even take two steps before he heard the door swing open.
"Harry!"
The relief in the professor's voice, instead of the irritation he heard just moments before, stopped Harry in his tracks and he turned around. He watched as worry ebbed away from the professor's face.
"Where were you at lunch?" Severus asked, relieved in more ways than one to see Harry at the door. "You never showed up?"
Before Harry could formally think about the professor being worried when he didn't show up for lunch, he was being ushered inside.
"How are you feeling?" Severus asked after closing the door behind them.
Feeling slightly uncomfortable in the man's quarters, Harry stopped walking just a few feet into the living room and turned around. Still feeling awkward with having to tell people how he felt, he stalled in answering and looked just past the professor to the door.
"If you are hurting or in any pain at all, please let me know. After the injuries you suffered earlier this week, it is vital that I know everything."
Harry still couldn't get over the fact that the professor was really concerned. "I feel…well, I don't know." He finally looked up to the potions master. "I'm not in any pain, but ever since I left here last night I've been feeling slightly nauseas…uneasy or something. It lasted all day today too. But it seems to have disappeared. I feel fine right now. But a few minutes ago I didn't."
Severus raised an eyebrow. It seemed he was correct in his assumption as to why Harry did not leave right away last night. Of course he didn't want to go right out and tell Harry what he thought. "That's good that it went away. We won't worry about it now. But if you feel that way again for longer than a day, please let me know." He knew Harry would probably never mention it again.
"Okay."
"Now, back to my first question. You never showed up for lunch. Are you hungry? I had a house elf bring down lunch for you. It's sitting at the kitchen table."
Harry looked to the kitchen and spotted a bowl of soup, a half of a sandwich, some fruit and a glass of pumpkin juice sitting on the table. The professor really did want to make sure he ate; and ate healthy foods too. "Thanks, but I'm not really hungry." As he turned to look back at the potions master, his stomach gave a loud growl.
Severus raised an eyebrow and gave Harry a smirk.
Harry looked sheepishly at the professor. "I guess I am hungry."
"Go on and eat. You really shouldn't be missing meals. Besides, we have all afternoon."
Nodding, Harry shrugged out of his jacket, placed it on the back of the sofa and sat down at the kitchen table to eat. Severus followed Harry in, sat down opposite him and picked up the Daily Prophet he had been trying to read, unsuccessfully, that morning.
Severus read through one story and looked up to Harry to see how he was doing. As Harry replaced his glass after taking a sip of juice, he spotted Harry's scraped palm. He dropped the paper, quickly got up and walked to the side of Harry. Completely surprising Harry, he took his left hand and held it palm up. "What happened?"
Harry looked from his palm in Severus' hand up to the man. He completely forgot about them since he got used to the stinging. "I fell and scraped my palms earlier today. No big deal." He shrugged his shoulders.
"Let me see the other one." Severus let go of Harry's left hand, took hold of the right one and examined that palm as well. He let go of that hand and left the kitchen, leaving Harry extremely confused. He returned a few seconds later with a glass jar, a bottle and a cloth. "It is a big deal Harry." He pulled his chair over, its legs scraping the stone floor, placed it next to Harry and sat down. "Without proper care, these scrapes could become infected and cause all kinds of problems."
Severus placed the jar on the table and unscrewed the cap of the bottle. With the cloth covering the opening, he held the bottle upside down for a few seconds.
Harry watched as part of the cloth became wet. Getting an idea of what the professor was doing, he couldn't understand why he didn't just use his wand to heal him.
"This is an antiseptic to clean your scrapes," Severus stated. He turned the bottle back and placed it on the table. "Give me one of your hands."
Harry slowly gave the professor his left hand. As Severus gently cleaned his scraped palm, he felt warmth spread within his chest and a lump form in his throat that made it difficult to swallow. This was something he'd seen his Aunt Petunia do all the time for Dudley when he received scrapes and bruises. He never thought he'd ever be receiving the same type of care on minor injuries. He then realized that the man always seemed to be healing him lately. "I'm sorry," he said around the lump a few seconds later.
Severus looked up at the strangled words. "Sorry? What are you sorry for?" He placed Harry's left hand in the boy's lap and took his right hand, palm up.
Looking from the professor to his palm, he swallowed around the lump. "This. All you ever seem to do is heal me. I'm sorry."
"There is nothing to feel sorry about. Remember what I said yesterday?" Severus waited for Harry to answer before he continued. "You are a child…a teenager. You will get hurt. It just so happens that it occurs more often for you."
"Yeah, another area where I'm not normal." Harry looked to the table and stared at the glass jar filled with some type of light blue balm. Why did he have to be different in everything?
At those words Severus' stopped cleaning Harry's palm and looked up to him. "What do you mean?" he asked, slightly concerned.
Harry took a deep breath and closed his eyes, shaking one of his legs up and down. Why couldn't he keep his mouth shut? He really didn't want to have this conversation. It wasn't what he came down here to talk about. He wanted to forget he even said those words. No one was supposed to know. But he had to respond. The professor would keep pressing him if he didn't. "I'm not normal," he finally repeated, eyes still closed.
"Again, what do you mean?" Severus asked softly. He then continued with cleaning Harry's palm.
Harry opened his eyes and stared at the glass jar again. "Nothing about me is normal. Not the way my parents died, not the way I’m treated by my relatives and classmates, and not with what my future includes. Not even the scar on my forehead is normal."
Severus dropped the cloth in his lap, took hold of Harry's chin and turned his head towards him. He waited until Harry looked at him. "Harry, you are normal."
"No I'm not," he argued. "I never have been. I don't see others getting starved while they are home, being used as punching bags, being told they're freaks and are worthless. Others aren't fighting for their life year after year while at school, are able to speak Parseltonuge, are entered into contests made for others years older then them, or have every single person know who they are. Normal people don't get their classmates and godparents killed!" Harry yelled defensively. He squeezed his eyes closed and dropped his head.
At first, Severus didn't know how to respond. The first remarks Harry said took his breath away. He knew the boy had been abused, but he didn't realize what that fully included. No doubt there was more. When he recovered, after filing away that information for later and deciding it best to ignore the abuse at the moment, he looked at Harry with a sensitivity that hadn't graced his face all that often. "You are a normal child. You have just been involved in abnormal situations." Merlin, how long did Harry feel like this? Severus wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer.
Harry looked back up and met Severus' eyes. "A normal person wouldn't be here just to defeat Voldemort!" he stated angrily.
Severus grabbed Harry around he upper arms and looked at him fiercely in the eyes. "That is not all you are here for."
"You think so?" Harry gave a sad laugh. "That's not what the prophecy says or what Professor Dumbledore told me."
Severus grew pale. He didn't think Harry knew about the prophecy.
"All I am here for is to rid the wizarding world of Lord Voldemort. That's it." Harry was breathing heavily by now. He tried to take a few calming breaths to relieve his anger. "All I am is a tool!"
"Listen to me, Harry," Severus ordered, shaking him once. When Harry looked up at him, he continued. "You know that is not true."
"Yes it is," Harry insisted. "It's all true. And you can't tell me that a normal person would be here only to defeat the Dark Lord!"
"Harry…"
Harry looked down to his lap; he was tired of arguing. In a moment of weakness once Severus let go of his shoulders, he whispered, "All I ever wanted was to be normal." When he realized what he had just said, he stood up, his appetite gone, and walked to the living room to be alone; though not wanting to leave the professor's quarters. At one of the corners in the room he fell against the wall and slid to the ground. He wrapped his arms around his legs and buried his head in his knees, trying to hide. Why did he always make a complete fool of himself? That was the last thing in the world he wanted anyone to hear.
Severus stared at the empty chair at a complete loss. He hadn't any idea what to do or say. He felt way out of his league. What could he possible say to make Harry feel better? He couldn't even imagine what Harry must be feeling. He couldn't even figure out what he was feeling in response to hearing Harry say those things. The one thing he did know was that he was enraged with the Headmaster. What right did the old man have for telling a child he was put on Earth only to defeat a monster?
A minute went by before Severus stood up and placed the glass jar in his pocket. He walked into the living room and spotted Harry sitting against the wall hidden in the far corner of the room. His heart clenched at the sight.
He slowly walked over to the corner. When he was three feet away from Harry, he knelt down in front of him, ignoring the creaking of his knees. "Harry," he stated, waiting for Harry to lift his head out of his knees. Harry didn't move. "Do you believe a prophecy controls your future or do you believe you control your future?" He waited a few seconds then spoke again. "I believe you control your future Harry. Not a prophecy. And especially not one made by that ridiculous woman the Headmaster hired to teach Divination. You control your future. And I will continue to tell you that until you finally realize it yourself."
That was the very first time anyone had ever made mention that he had a choice in his future, that he wasn't bound by a prophecy made by that crack-pot professor. But he wasn't so sure if he believed the professor's words. If he wasn't here to rid the world of Lord Voldemort did that mean others could do it? And if so, why wasn't it done already? Or was it that the entire wizarding world believed in the prophecy and not their own common sense so they didn't even think about trying to destroy Voldemort? Did he want to believe the professor?
"Did you want to talk more about it?" Severus questioned.
Did he? No way. He was absolutely mortified that he even brought it up in the first place. It was actually the last thing he ever wanted to talk about. And here he was talking about it, and to Professor Snape of all people; all because of that one stupid comment that slipped out of his mouth. He shook his head. "No." Harry finally looked up and met Severus' gaze.
After Harry looked up to him, Severus stood up slightly relieved. He was a bit disappointed that Harry didn't want to talk, but he wasn't all that prepared to have a conversation revolving around Harry's future just now anyway. "Come on then," he said softly. "Let's go sit on the sofa. I want to finish healing your palms." He held out a hand to help Harry stand.
Harry slowly reached out and grasped the professor's outstretched hand.
Severus pulled him up to a standing position then led him to the sofa, still holding on to his hand, as neither loosened their grip the moment Harry was standing. They both sat down, slightly facing each other, before Severus finally released Harry's hand and placed both of the boy's hands palms up on his lap.
He reached into his pocket and pulled out the jar of light blue balm. After unscrewing the lid, he dipped three fingers into the jar, took out a liberal amount of balm and placed the jar on the coffee table. Severus smeared both of Harry's palms with an equal amount of balm and began rubbing it in. As soon as the light blue color turned almost clear, Harry's scrapes began to heal, with no sign of any injury a minute later.
Harry sat absolutely still and without saying a word as the professor finished healing his palms. Once the tingling stopped and his scrapes vanished, he continued to stare at his palms for another minute. It wasn't until Severus stood up that he spoke. "Thank you, sir."
"You are quite welcome. But if something like this happens again, I would like you to go the hospital wing or come to me." He grabbed the jar from the table and screwed the lid back on. "I will be back in a minute." He then went to kitchen to retrieve the bottle and cloth. With items in hand he disappeared out of the room.
Harry watched as the professor walked out of sight. While the man was gone, he turned his attention to the fireplace and thought back to what was said only minutes ago. Was he really in charge of his future? Did the prophecy mean nothing? He so wanted to believe in the professor's words, but he couldn't. If it was true, they why didn't anyone else tell him the same thing? Why didn't Remus, his friends, and even his godfather tell him he didn't have to be the one to kill Voldemort? He knew they didn't know what the prophecy included, but they all believed he had to be the one to kill the Dark Lord. If none of them believed he had a choice, then why should he believe the professor?
A few minutes later, Severus returned to the living room and sat down in the arm chair next to the sofa. He glanced at Harry. Harry was rolling his fingers up and down in the hem of his t-shirt. Knowing the boy would probably not want to talk now, he picked up one of the books he had been reading all week and opened it to the chapter he marked last night. Wanting to see what Harry would do, he decided not to tell him that he could leave if he wanted.
Harry played with his shirt for another minute before he looked around the professor's quarters. When he looked next to him, he spotted a puzzle book with a self-inking quill sitting on top. He picked up both and opened the book to an unused puzzle and began working on it. "What do I tell my friends?" he asked, the quill hovering an inch from the page. "About my appearance, I mean. They keep asking me." He looked over to the professor.
Severus looked up from the book, finger marking his place.
"I don't know what to tell them." Harry continued, rolling the quill between his fingers.
Picking up the bookmark from the arm of the chair, Severus marked his place and set the closed book on the side table. "What have you been telling them?"
"Well, I've really only had to answer them once, a while ago, but I don't think my answer satisfied them since they still ask me about once a week or so. I told them that it was from my connection to Voldemort."
Severus nodded in satisfaction, proud at the boy for coming up with that answer. "That is a very good answer. It's just too bad it's not placating your friends."
"Yeah, I know. So …um, what do I tell them?" Harry asked expectantly.
"Well, I don't think it plausible to tell them the truth."
Harry nodded his head in agreement. He was having trouble with the truth himself.
"It would be extremely detrimental to both of us if the reason for your change was not kept private until the right time." Severus stood up and began pacing in front of the fireplace, thinking of possible solutions.
Harry watched him pace the length of the room twice before he decided to voice his question. "Do you think you could brew a potion to make my appearance go back to what it was? I would really like to look like myself again." Harry looked at Severus with hope. He knew Remus didn't think changing his appearance back was a good idea, but he had no idea what the Potions Master would think.
At those words Severus stopped pacing and looked to the fireplace, his back to Harry. The disappointment he felt at Harry's request was no doubt showing on his face and he didn't want the boy to see it. "That is a…I mean, I," he paused. "I don't think that would be a good idea," he finally answered with controlled normalcy to his voice.
Harry stared at the Potions Master's back, mouth open in complete shock. Did he really hear the man stutter? In all his years at Hogwarts, the man never stuttered. He always knew exactly what to say. Did his question actually cause that reaction? And if it did, why? When he got a hold of himself seconds later, the professor's answer finally entered his mind. And it wasn't the answer he wanted to hear. "How come it's not a good idea? You're a Potions Master."
Severus turned around, his face a mask of indifference. "A potion would be too complex. Not only would it require hours to brew and a few rare ingredients, you would also be required to consume the potion twice a day for the rest of your life. No. I don't think a potion is the answer." He sat back down on his chair.
Upon hearing the news, Harry's hope died and he dropped his head. "Oh. Okay." He picked up the quill that he dropped upon hearing the professor stutter and began to scribble in the answers to the puzzle book that still lay open in his lap.
The Potions Master studied Harry for a few minutes. "I do have another solution; one that does not require a potion."
Stopping with writing an answer in the book, Harry looked up to the professor, his voice full of slight hope. "You do?"
"I know how much you want your appearance to be back to what it was this time last year, but I must refuse your wish. I do have a compromise, which along with what you already told your friends, should make them, and anyone else for that matter, not question you any further."
"Okay, I guess," Harry replied a little disappointed. He placed the quill in the puzzle book, marking his place, and set it on the coffee table. He then turned his entire attention to the professor.
"The first thing we need to do is get you a haircut. With the charm that your mother placed on you disappearing and your true appearance having taken form, your hair has grown quite a bit. With your hair back to the way you always wore it, there would be less of a difference between what you look like now and what you used to look like. Next weekend is a Hogsmeade weekend. Once the majority of the school is out and about, I will take you in to Diagon Alley. It's best we do not appear where the rest of the student body is present."
"You mean I can't go to Hogsmeade?" he almost shouted. "No way. I've been looking forward to this trip for months. I haven't gone all year. Can't we go another time?"
"Do you want to solve your problem or not?" Severus asked slightly irritated. "I don't care one way or the other." He stood up from the chair, ready to leave the room. "You ask for my advice and then you complain the minute I speak? If your wish is to not hear anything I may say, then by all means, leave." He turned around and began walking to the kitchen.
"No, wait!" Harry exclaimed standing up and grabbing Severus' arm, slightly worried. He really did need the professor to help with this problem. And if the man left and made him leave too, he knew he would never get another chance to ask the professor again. "I do want your advice. Please."
Severus stopped and turned around. He looked from Harry's hand on his arm up to Harry, narrowing his gaze. "I will only tell you this once. I do not appreciate being yelled at when I am the one that is being sought for help. If you repeat your yelling one more time, I will not help you at all."
Harry removed his hand from Severus' arm and sat down. "I'm sorry, sir," he said quietly. "It's just…I really wanted to go to Hogsmeade since I haven't been able to go since my fifth year. But I guess I can go there another time," he said slightly upset. But he had to think about why he would be missing the trip. And the reason why was more important than a fun outing. "I do need to come up with something for my appearance. Can you continue? Please? I really want your help."
Before saying anything, Severus studied Harry for a minute. The boy was looking at him hopefully and with absolute sincerity on his face. "Very well." He walked back to his chair in the living room and sat down. "We will leave for Diagon Alley at 9am, after the students leave for Hogsmeade and return around 4pm, just before the students are to arrive back."
Harry knitted his brow in confusion. That sure seemed like quite a long time for getting a haircut. "Why so long sir? Shouldn't a haircut only take at most an hour? And out of curiosity, why don't you just cut my hair?"
"As you learned over the Christmas holiday, I prefer to do things the Muggle way…"
Harry interrupted. "But Diagon Alley isn't…"
"And, I must admit," Severus continued, like Harry never interrupted him, "I do not know how to properly use the hair cutting spell. As for the length of time, I needed to take a trip to purchase a few things so I thought it best to combine the trips in to one."
That sounded like a logical explanation, except for getting a Muggle haircut in a wizarding village. He just hoped he wouldn't be bored out his mind. Who knew the types of places the Potions Master needed to visit. Did he really want to go to them? Well, unfortunately he had no choice. He would just have to make the best of it. "Ok." Then he thought of something. "Wait a minute. Is it a good idea for us to be seen together? You know, well-known Death Eater wandering around far from Hogwarts with The-Boy-Who-Lived?"
Severus flinched. He never thought Harry would call him a Death Eater. "You know I am no longer a…"
Harry was quick to cut off the professor. He knew as soon as the words left his mouth that it had been the wrong thing to say. "I know you're not a Death Eater anymore. Sorry. I didn't mean it that way. I just meant that we can't really be seen together can we? Couldn't we been seen by Death Eaters who would let Voldemort know that you and I were together? Wouldn't that be bad for you if he knew you were with me yet didn't bring me to him? How are we going to spend all day in Diagon Alley together and not be seen?"
"You do seem to think about the consequences of your actions, Harry. I am really impressed."
"I'm not dumb you know. I know of the threat of us being seen together."
"I never said you were. This time, at least." Severus smirked as Harry gave him a pout. "Seriously, that is a real threat for our visit to Diagon Alley. I will be placing charms on us so we look like non-recognizable, average wizards. Father and son."
Harry thought that over for a minute. "So you can put a charm on us for a few hours to look like someone else, but you won't put a charm on me to make me look like I used to?" he asked slightly angry. Why go through all this when the man could just put a spell on him and be done with it?
"Like the potion I mentioned a few minutes ago, a charm is not an option either. A charm of the magnitude you require, 24 hours a day for the rest of your life, would be extremely difficult to perform. No charm actually exists. Most appearance charms only work for a maximum of 24 hours. You would need to have it reapplied every day by a Charms expert."
"But the charm my mom placed on me when I was a baby lasted for 15 years," Harry interrupted.
Severus looked towards the fireplace, his thoughts going immediately to when he was a student at Hogwarts. "Yes. Lily was extremely gifted in charms. I can't even begin to understand how she accomplished it. But no charm exists."
"You're lying. It can be done. Madam Pomfrey said she'd seen it before. Can't you ask her or Professor Flitwick about a charm? Surely one of them could help." Maybe there was hope yet for getting his appearance back to what it was.
"No," Severus stated with finality, his thoughts of his past leaving at Harry's voice. "I will not have a charm placed on you or a potion made to change your appearance."
"But what if that's what I want? It's my life isn't it?" Harry yelled.
Severus stood up and walked to the front door, fed up with Harry's yelling and shouting. He turned the knob and held the door open. "As I said to you earlier, I do not like being yelled at. It is time for you to leave."
Harry looked at the open door but didn't move. He didn't know why he was arguing with the man so much, but he really did need his help and wanted to hear all of his thoughts.
"I said it is time for you to leave."
"So this is how it's going to be? Every time you don't agree with me or we have an argument you're going to just make me leave?" Without waiting for a response, he got up from the sofa and walked to the door. "I should have known. I don't need this," he said quietly as he passed by Severus and right out the door feeling extremely hurt.
"I just don't want you to change your appearance back. I like it just the way it is," Severus said to Harry's retreating back.
Harry continued walking, ignoring the comment.
Severus closed the door and walked into the kitchen. He was going to make a cup of tea, but once he had the cup in his hand, he threw it across the room and watched it shatter into hundreds of pieces. Why did his temper always have to get the better of him? Harry was right. Was he really going to throw the boy out every time they argued? He sat down and put his head in his hands. He really needed to get his temper in check. It might push Harry away for good, if it hadn't done so already.
~SH~
After leaving Severus' quarters, Harry slowly walked up the stairs towards the main level of the castle. The man's final words were swirling around in his head. I just don't want you to change your appearance back. I like it just the way it is.
Before arriving at the main level, Harry ducked into the boy's restroom, luckily finding it empty. He walked over to the sinks and looked at himself in one of the mirrors. His hair was longer, almost to his shoulders, and without his glasses obscuring most of his face, he could clearly see his facial features. More of his mother was present, but as he recalled the photo album of his mother and Professor Snape, he also had visible features of the Potions Master as well. As he stared at his emerald green eyes and slightly lighter skin, the extent of his features finally hit him. The features of both adults complemented each other very well. And he finally saw what the professor was seeing. He also realized he actually looked handsome, more so than when he looked like James, and he blushed at the thought. He then felt extremely bad about yelling at the man. He knew he should go back and apologize, but he didn't know how. The man was extremely angry with him and no doubt wouldn't want to see him again. Feeling slightly depressed again, Harry left the restroom and wandered through the castle.
He wasn't in the mood to deal with anyone and didn't want to be found so he wandered up through the floors and stopped in front of the Room of Requirement. He passed in front of it three times and when the doors appeared, he walked inside. After closing the doors behind him he looked around the room. Gone was the make-shift potions lab that appeared for him the last time he visited the room. This time the room held a fireplace complete with a roaring fire, an extremely large plush sofa with a blanket hanging off one of the arms, a free standing mirror, and a table which held snacks, a pitcher of water, a pitcher of pumpkin juice, a plate, a glass and some napkins.
After glancing around the room, he wandered over to the sofa and plopped himself down, staring at the fire while thinking about the situation he currently found himself in. Every once in a while he would stand up, walk to the mirror and study his reflection. After eating a snack a while later, he began to feel drowsy and his eyelids turned heavy. When he could no longer keep his eyes open, he lay down on the sofa and fell asleep.
~SH~
Dinner had arrived and there was no sign of Harry. Severus was worried again about Harry's lack of attendance. His stomach knotted when he realized it was more than likely because of him that Harry didn't show for the meal. As soon as he had finished eating, he got up and walked over to Minerva. He sat down in the empty seat next to her. "Minerva, have you seen Mr. Potter since lunch?"
Minerva looked at Severus in confusion. "Why would you be looking for Potter, Severus?"
Luckily he was one to think quickly on his feet. "Upon releasing him from my quarters yesterday, I asked to see him before dinner to check up on his condition. I have not seen him since last night."
"No, I have not seen him. I will speak with Mr. Weasley and Ms. Granger and get back to you. They usually know his whereabouts."
"Thank you Minerva. I will be in my office." Severus stood up and left the Great Hall.
He was grading papers in his office a half hour later when he heard a knock on his office door. He set down his quill and walked to the door. "Well, where is he?" Severus asked as soon as he opened the door and saw that it was Minerva.
"Aren't you at least going to let me in Severus?" Minerva asked from outside the door.
He opened the door wide enough to let her in. "Come in."
After Minerva walked in, he closed the door behind him. "Take a seat," he said and indicated to one of the chairs situated in front of his desk. "Would you like some tea?"
"No thank you."
He sat down in the chair next to Minerva. "Well?" he asked when she didn't begin speaking.
"Mr. Potter has not been seen by anyone for about five hours. I even spoke with Remus and he hasn't seen the boy since around 1pm."
Severus was getting extremely worried. "It isn't like Harry to disappear is it?"
Minerva's head shot up. "Harry? Since when do you call the boy by his first name?"
"I..." How could he let something like that slip? Unfortunately he didn't have time to even consider an explanation. He was too troubled by Harry's disappearance. He knew he was the cause for it as the boy's final words when he left their quarters earlier made an appearance in his thoughts. What if that meant Harry never wanted to see him again outside of class? What if Harry did something foolish? What if he was lying on the grounds outside the castle broken and bleeding or floating face down in the Black Lake?
"What is going on?" she asked, seeing the distress in everything about the professor.
"Never mind about that now," he said, shaking himself out of his morbid thoughts. "It is imperative that we find the boy."
"Why? He's bound to show up in the common room tonight Severus. When I see him I'll send him down."
"No, I need to see him now," he said adamantly. "I need to be sure his bones have completed healing. If they haven't he could be doing more damage to them."
Minerva looked at him skeptically. "I know you, Severus. You would not let anyone in your care leave before they were fully healed. Even Potter. What is going on?"
Severus stood up and began pacing. "Not now, Minerva, please. Just help me find the boy."
"Very well. But you owe me an explanation."
Severus nodded, hoping he could hold off that conversation indefinitely. "I will search the top floors, if you would contact the other professors and ghosts and have them search the rest of the castle."
"I'll ask Hagrid to search the grounds and the owlry as well."
"Thank you Minerva. Tell them that if they find H….Mr. Potter," he almost did it again, "that they should send him here to my office and notify me immediately."
"Of course." She stood up and placed a hand on his shoulder and noticed that it was shaking slightly. "Don't worry, Severus, we will find him." She removed her hand walked out of the office leaving Severus staring at his desk. She couldn't wait to hear what was going on.
~SH~
Severus was frantic as he began searching the sixth floor of the castle. He had yet to find Harry and had yet to receive word from anyone else that the boy was found. As he was passing one of the many staircases in the castle, he saw movement from his left side. He stopped and quickly walked back. He looked up and saw a mop of black hair walking down the staircase from the seventh floor. His relief was instantaneous.
He walked up to meet the boy on the stairs and grabbed his shoulders. "Where have you been?"
Harry jumped, as he was still groggy from waking only minutes before and was walking with his head down. Immediately recognizing the voice, he shot his head up. "I…"
"I've been worried sick," Severus interrupted. "Not to mention I have every professor and ghost in this castle looking inside and out for you."
"I…" Harry tried again.
"Which reminds me. Stay here and don't move." Severus walked down to the sixth floor and pulled out his wand. He conjured his patronus and sent word that he had found Harry. After that was completed, he walked back up the stairs. "We need to talk. Let's go." He led the way back down to his quarters with Harry almost running to keep up. "In," he snapped after opening the door. Unfortunately the relief he felt only minutes ago was now replaced by growing anger. How dare the boy cause him such distress.
Harry walked in tentatively and turned around to look at Severus. The professor looked irate. This did not bode well. "I'm sorry, sir. I didn't mean to cause any problems."
Severus walked over to Harry and grabbed his shoulders again and tried to ignore the flinch the boy gave. "Where have you been?" he asked bitterly.
"I was in the Room of Requirement," he said urgently. He looked down, not able to look the professor in the eyes. "I just needed to be alone. I'm sorry."
"Never, do that again."
The professor's mood was now beginning to influence Harry's own mood. "I'm sorry. I didn't do it on purpose," he yelled and looked up to Severus. "I feel asleep. I'm sorry. How many times do you need me to say it? I'M SORRY!"
"What did I say about yelling?"
"I guess I better leave then," Harry said, his tone clipped and eyes shining with hatred. He tried to leave but the professor's hands, which were surprisingly still on his shoulders, stopped him.
Severus stood there studying Harry. The boy's comment hit a nerve. He had acted irrationally earlier and owed the boy an explanation and even an apology. An apology which went against everything he believed in. Evil, heartless Professor Snape never apologized to anyone. However, as he looked at Harry and knowing everything that was at stake, he knew it had to be done. Besides, at that moment, an apology felt like the most natural thing in the world to do and he would not deny it to Harry.
"Sit down," Severus said calmly, a few seconds later, and pinched the bridge of his nose. He pushed Harry towards the sofa and sat down next to him. "My temper has gotten the better of me too many times to count. The most recent, this afternoon when I made you leave. I am trying my best to control it. It's just…difficult. After you left I realized what I had done. I am sorry. It was uncalled for."
The anger immediately left Harry. Never had anyone apologized to him for anything. And for the Potions Master to do so? That was truly amazing. "I….I…" He didn't even know what to say. He just stared at the professor.
"Have you had dinner?"
At those words and the apology that was just given, the lump that had previously visited his throat hours earlier came back and he began to feel a stinging behind his eyes. The man really did care. Even when he was mad at him. He blinked his eyes. "No, but I ate a piece of fruit while in the Room of Requirement."
"That is not acceptable. I will get you your dinner. Go wash your hands and then come to the kitchen."
"Yes sir." Harry stood and walked to the restroom. On the way, once out of sight of the professor, he swiped at his eyes as a few tears had made an appearance.
Harry's emotional state did not go unnoticed by Severus. He shook his head. What did the Dursley's do to the boy? Or, based on Harry's reactions, what did the Dursley's not do? Severus put those thoughts in the back of his mind and entered the kitchen. A minute later a healthy portion of steaming chicken pot pie and a glass of milk were sitting on the table. When Harry appeared in the kitchen a minute after that, he retired to the living room to let the boy eat in peace.
The first thought that entered Harry's mind as he began eating was that right now, he didn't want to be alone. He couldn't put his finger on why, but it had something to do with what happened in the last few minutes. His second thought was that he still needed to apologize to the man for yelling at him. His final thought was that he really wanted to hear the rest of the man's idea for his appearance. His first thought, however, was taking precedence.
He looked to the living room and saw the professor sitting in his chair reading the same book he was reading the day before. "Professor, could I speak with you?" he asked, his fork hovering over his plate laden with chicken and vegetables. He hoped this would bring the man into the kitchen.
Severus looked up, finger marking his place in the book. "Of course."
Harry placed the fork on his plate and turned in his chair towards the living room. "Erm…I…I guess I…" Why wouldn't the man come in to the kitchen? He wouldn't even put his book down. Obviously the professor didn't really want to talk with him and he wasn't wanted around. The conversation earlier must have just been a joke. "You know what? Never mind," he said disheartened, as his stomach seemed to be tightening into a knot. "I won't bother you anymore. I'll just go." He pushed himself away from the table, intent on leaving for Gryffindor tower.
The rollercoaster that was Harry's emotions was beginning to give Severus a headache. He could no longer keep up. When it was clear Harry was about to leave, Severus stood up and walked in front of the boy, blocking his path to the door. "Sit back down and eat," he ordered. "And you are not bothering me." He followed Harry into the kitchen, started to heat some water for tea then sat down at the table across from him.
"I don't believe you." Harry looked at the professor skeptically. "If you want me to leave, just tell me and I'll leave."
"I do not want you to leave. Why do you think that?"
He shrugged his shoulders and was about to deny that he was thinking that, but something about the entire situation stopped him. Instead he stared at his food for awhile.
At Harry's shoulder shrug, Severus realized that over these past few months after learning to care for the boy, it was something he'd seen him do on many occasions. It was a habit he hoped to break Harry out of soon.
"Well, you…you wouldn't come in here," Harry finally said quietly. In extreme embarrassment he averted his eyes, picked up his fork and began playing with his food. "And you wouldn't even put your book down when I said I wanted to talk to you. I know that means you don't want me here; that I'm bothering you."
Severus studied Harry for a minute. It was painfully obvious that everything the boy had been feeling over the past few days, and today in particular, was all new to him and had manifested into these varying emotions he was showing. He gave Harry a heartbreaking look. The boy might be physically sixteen but everything about his demeanor right now screamed an insecure, slightly frightened eleven year old. Another result of the treatment the Dursley's gave the boy along with coming to terms with being his hated potions professor's son, Severus ventured.
"Harry." Severus waited for Harry to look up, however Harry continued to stare at his dinner, pushing the food around with his fork. He closed his eyes for a few seconds. It might be best to treat Harry like that insecure eleven year old for now. He wasn't sure how to do that but hoped instinct would take over. He reopened his eyes and took a breath. "Harry, come over here," he said softly. "Please."
Harry finally looked up. In confusion and without question, he slowly stood up and walked over to the professor.
When Harry approached, Severus turned in his chair so he was facing him and took both of his hands in his own.
Harry looked down to their joined hands and swallowed thickly. What he felt at that moment was beyond anything he imagined. And he could almost feel the professor's care and concern emanating from his hands.
"I do not want you to leave and you are not a bother to me. I never want to hear you say those things again. Do you understand?"
In response, Harry nodded his head but continued to look at their hands. The feeling growing inside him from their joined hands was all he ever wanted to feel while growing up. Why was it that the Potions Master was the only person to ever make him feel that way, and for the first time in his life?
"A verbal answer, Harry, please."
"I understand," he choked out, almost as a whisper.
"Good. Please look at me." After Harry raised his head, Severus was slightly taken aback at what he saw in the boy's eyes. "Thank you. Now, on to your concern. I wasn't ignoring you or trying to make you leave like you think I was. I just didn't think you wanted me to be in your presence while you ate or have a conversation while you were eating. It was my mistake. For that I am sorry."
There were those words again. I am sorry. There was nothing for the professor to feel sorry about. Why was he apologizing again? "Stop it. Just…just stop it!" Harry cried, yanking his hands out of the professor's.
"Stop what?" Severus was thoroughly confused at this point.
"Apologizing! I'm the one who should be apologizing. I keep yelling at you and doing things to make you mad. I don't mean to. Honest. I've never done anything like that before. It's just…I don't know…I've never had…I, I…" Feeling tears form in his eyes, he stopped talking and dropped his head. Merlin, what was he, eleven?
Severus' heart went out to Harry. He didn't think he could even imagine what the boy was feeling. But he knew what he was feeling and what he wanted to do and could do about it. He immediately stood up and wrapped his arms around Harry, enveloping him in a comforting hug. When he felt Harry's arms wrap around him only seconds later, he placed his chin on top of Harry's head.
"Harry I know everything you're feeling is new and you're probably scared and feeling even a little insecure at times. I am too. Remember, we're both going through this together. We'll just have to work through it all one step at a time, one day at a time, okay?" He had barely finished when the air was squeezed out of his lungs.
It was at that moment that Harry realized everything Severus had been doing for him since he first read the letter back in December. Everything showed how much the man cared about him, from making sure he was eating, giving him his space, talking and listening to him, giving him advice, comforting him, taking care of him when he was hurt, and even being there when he woke up from a nightmare or vision; everything given with nothing expected in return. Everything he had missing since that night he was placed in the care of his aunt and uncle. Everything a parent would do for their child. Harry tightened his arms around Severus.
Severus pulled back a minute later. "Okay?"
Harry wiped the tears off his face. "Okay."
"Good." The tea kettle whistled on the stove. "Why don't you finish eating while I have a cup of tea. When we're done, we can finish our conversation from earlier this afternoon if you'd like."
"I'd like to." Harry gave Severus a watery smile, wiped a few more tears off his face, and walked back to his own chair. Once Severus was settled across from him with a cup of tea, he looked back up, embarrassed. "Thank you, for…you know…for that. Well, for everything actually." He then continued to eat his dinner.
"What have I told you about thanking me?"
Harry looked up, fork inches from his mouth. "That what you are doing is what any parent would do for their child," he answered seriously. "Still…thank you." He stared at the professor for a few seconds then went back to eating.
Severus was slightly amused that Harry had answered him, as he was not looking for one. Though he had an inkling of why the boy did answer. While Harry was eating, he took the opportunity to observe him every few minutes. At one point, he caught Harry watching him so he instead turned his attention to his tea. He ended up missing the boy watching him off and on for the next ten minutes.
~SH~
A half hour later, Harry and Severus were seated on the sofa. Severus had his shirt sleeves rolled up to his elbows and was reading while Harry had his shoes off and his feet tucked under him and working on the puzzle book.
"I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier today about changing my appearance back." Harry looked up from the book in his lap to Severus. "I know you don't want me to change it. I…I don't want to either, I guess. Can you please finish telling me what you think I should do? I promise I won't yell again."
Severus set his book aside. "Alright. While we are out getting your hair cut, we can stop by an optometrist. We'll replace the lenses in your glasses with clear glass. I think with your hair cut the way it was and if you were to go back to wearing your glasses, the change won't be as noticeable. Do you still have your glasses?"
Harry made a face. "I do, but…can I get different frames?" he asked hesitantly. "I really hate the frames I have. My aunt picked out the ugliest pair she could find from a bin of free stuff that was outside one of the stores she always went to. She would never let me exchange them. Oh, and I still have quite a bit of money left over from the start of the school year so you won't have to take me to Gringotts first," he added at the last moment.
At those comments, a thought occurred to Severus. "Did your relatives ever take you to get an eye exam?"
"No." Harry looked down to his lap, feeling somewhat ashamed. "They said my eyes were fine with the glasses they gave me and I wasn't worth the time they would need to take me to the doctor."
"Were you able to see clearly with those glasses?" When Harry shook his head no, he began to feel extreme hatred toward the Dursley's. They were becoming worse and worse with every new thing Harry let slip. "Well, I'm going to make sure we check your eyes as soon as we arrive."
"Ok," he said slowly. He was somewhat apprehensive about visiting an optometrist. "So, what else do you think I should do about my appearance?"
Severus didn't answer right away. He studied Harry for a minute. "I think we should wait a week and see how that goes. Then decide what else, if anything, needs to be done."
"M'kay," Harry said around a yawn. He picked up the puzzle book and began to work on the puzzle he'd been on all day.
Severus went back to his book but ended up paying more attention to Harry than he was to the book. After watching Harry trying to keep his eyes open over the next few minutes, he closed his book. "I think you should head up to your common room."
Harry's head shot up. He couldn't explain it, but he really didn't want to leave. "What?"
"Your friends are probably wondering where you've been all day."
At hearing mention of his friends, Harry shrugged his shoulders. They probably didn't even notice he was missing.
Severus knitted his brow at Harry's reaction. Obviously there was something going on between him and his friends. But that would be a conversation for another time. Harry was almost falling asleep right in front of him. "You're tired."
Harry denied it through another yawn.
"Your body is still recovering. Go on up to bed Harry."
After giving another yawn, Harry couldn't deny it. The thought of his bed sounded heavenly. "Guess you're right." He closed the puzzle book and put it and the quill back on the side table and stood up.
Severus stood up as well and handed Harry his jacket that was lying over the sofa where he was sitting. "I'll see you in class on Monday." He followed him to the door and held it open. "Good night Harry."
Harry put on his jacket and walked out the door. "Good night professor. And I know you don't want to hear it, but, thank you." He turned around and headed towards the staircase that would lead him to Gryffindor tower.
Severus waited until Harry was out of sight before he closed the door and returned to the sofa. He wanted to finish his book before he retired for the evening.
Chapter 28