31 December, 1981

The entire Wizarding World still celebrates and I am still hiding in the dungeons here.

Began Snapes' journal. This was the earliest one that Harry could find. It was painful reading; the man seemed to have had his journal as his sole confidant. Snape spent the first three months of 1982 debating the relative merits of throwing himself from the astronomy tower or drowning himself in the lake.

Harry read every page because he feared missing some clue or nuance of the potion he sought. He spent every waking moment with Snape's journals, it seemed. So much so that Ginny banned "that bloody book" from the breakfast and dinner table, one morning. Harry might have been annoyed with her if both the children hadn't started giggling.

"What?" asked Harry.

"I just finished asking the children to pretend they weren't antisocial savages, for five minutes." snapped Ginny, "I like to see my family in the morning. Not the top of three heads, with their noses buried in books." she walked away, grumbling that if she'd wanted that, she'd go stay with Auntie Hermione.

"I guess we were told." Harry muttered to Lily and Tim, to more giggling.

After that, Harry tried to confine his researches to during the work day.

In the spring of 1982, something changed for Snape. His journal took on a more scholarly, less personal tone. He recorded being asked to meet with Augusta Longbottom at Dumbledore's request. It appeared that Snape had a potion that helped with the after effects of the Cruciatus Curse. A nerve tonic that was infused with phoenix tears. It helped those victims who had after effects from a short exposure to the curse.

18 March, 1982

I was unable to give Mrs Longbottom the kind of response she had hoped for. I met with...Rather I should say I observed the Longbottoms in their ward at St. Mungos...there is no sense in them any more. I daresay, my potion will perhaps relieve some of their symptoms, but the damage to their magic and their nervous systems is irreparable. Honestly, it would be better if they had died, I think. I am not the only one to hold this opinion as

The entry ended incomplete and it was several months before Snape came back to his journal, apparently; the next entry was dated the following July. It was no longer the self castigating ramblings of someone caught in the grips of terrible guilt and grief, but the disciplined voice of the Potion Master Harry remembered.

15 July, 1982

Dumbledore feels there is merit in my thoughts and is willing to sponsor the research. This is a fortunate development-I would never be able to afford the ingredients for what will surely be a great many experiments.

What followed was a long treatise on the Cruciatus Curse, complete with notes on texts. Very quickly, the information was over Harry's head. With Kreacher's help, he made copies of this and sent it off to Ernie McMillan, to see if the healer was able to make sense of it.

After that, was litany of experimental potion recipes, with their effects. Each contained ingredients that appeared to be calculated to counter the damages the Curse inflicted. Each one was deemed to be inadequate. Harry didn't like to think of the number of rats that gave their lives for this formula.

31 August, 1985

Of course, the animal studies will only go so far in telling me whether the physical damage is repaired. For the magical damage, I will have to test a Wizard. I can, of course, think of no better subject than myself. It's not as though anyone else would volunteer. The trick will be to convince the old man that this is the only way to test it.

Harry shivered at the casual words. Clearly Snape's intention was that Dumbledore should use the curse on himself long enough to damage him. But it was not until the end of 1989 that Snape seemed to make a breakthrough, apparently from reading a muggle publication.

19 November, 1989

I have become very curious about these new Muggle drugs that have apparently become all the rage among the mental health community. These drugs directly interact with the neurotransmitters in a way that is reputed to lessen symptoms of depression and other maladies. I have begun to look for substances that may correspond in the magical world.

Harry had no idea what a neurotransmitter might be. He wondered if Dudley might know. That web thing Dudley talked about seemed to have information on everything.

Following this was a list of more words that meant nothing to Harry.

Dopamine

Serotonin

Adrenaline

Noradrenaline

Oxytocin

Endorphin

Substance P

Perhaps this should be taken in this direction?

It did seem that Snape took a completely different tack, after this. Rather than pain killers and nerve regenerators, he began to look for substances to restore the natural balance of the physical and magical elements in the brain.

The list of words was repeated several times throughout, with magical ingredients that apparently corresponded.

Harry read further. During the latter half of 1990, it appeared that Snape had found a formulation that did most of what he wanted. A base mixture of Bhut Jolokia pepper, saffron, unicorn horn, St John's wort, poppy and phoenix tears, allowed to brew for a full moon cycle. Additions of various ingredients with stimulant properties were added after that. Including one episode where Snape had dumped his coffee into the cauldron in frustration.

The problem with the mixture was that it soothed too much. The rats were happy and comfortable, but stupid and somnolent.

10 February 1991

Perhaps the phoenix tears are too strong? I have checked and rechecked every other ingredient. I admit it had not occurred to me, given that phoenix tears are such a sovereign remedy. However, the tears of other creatures are known to be healing as well.

Snape spent the summer of 1991 obtaining and testing the tears of every other magical creature he could procure them from. Harry could only imagine how the man had managed to make a thestral weep; the journal didn't go into detail, but said that Hagrid had been "most annoyed" with him. Snape had asked Hagrid to obtain hippogriff and unicorn tears, after that.

The following autumn, the experiments had become less frequent. Snape complained to his journal of his increased workload. Harry took that to mean the guarding of the Sorcerer's Stone. Bitterly, the man complained of his duties as a teacher interfering with his passion as a researcher.

Snape also made reference to Harry, complaining of his many inadequecies, both those imagined and (if Harry was being honest with himself) real. This culminated with an entry made after the whole fiasco with Quirrel.

16 June 1992

The boy has a death wish. He need have done nothing and the magical traps would have ensnared Quirrel (and what is left of the Dark Lord) quite adequately until Dumbledore arrived. What the hell was he thinking? And of course, the entire faculty is so impressed with him that no one has brought up this particular point. Why on earth would Dumbledore not only allow this, but encourage it?

That was, of course, a really good question. Harry would have pulled James or Al out of school completely, if they'd been involved in a stunt like that. They would have been lucky to have been let out of their rooms over the next summer. Of course, the Dursley's didn't care what danger Harry put himself in.

The summer of that year seemed very good for Snape's researches, if not for his state of mind.

17 July, 1992

I dreamed of Lily last night. I only have two types of dreams of Lily, I think. The bad and the dreadful. In the bad, I remember that she is dead. In the dreadful, I do not, and when I awaken the grief is as strong as the day she died.

This was one of the dreadful. We walked down by the lake together, and she teased me for becoming so wrapped up in my researches. Then she asked me, very seriously, when I was going to finish the potion. I explained to her the difficulty I was having with the problem of the tears. She smiled, rather sadly, and told me that was one potion ingredient I didn't appear short of.

I awoke with a start, the way I do sometimes from these dreams. I found myself weeping. When I had composed myself somewhat, I realized that Lily had given me the answer. The tears I needed were human tears, but I suspect they need to be tears of grief in order to have effect. As she said, I have no shortage of those. We shall see.

The potion recipe followed again, this time using the human tear variation.

For two more years, Snape tested the potion, generally on rats. Apparently, Dumbledore would not agree to perform the Curse on Snape to truly test it.

1 November, 1994

That stupid insufferable child has managed to work out some way into the Tri-Wizard Tournament. Dumbledore has agreed to let him compete. I think the old man has finally gone mad. Worse yet, Moody haunts my every step & Karkarov wishes to speak to me as an old friend. Bastards, both of them.

There was no researches of the potion that year. Snape wrote in his journal with rising apprehension, then fear, of the Dark Mark becoming clearer on his skin. He wrote about Karkarov's whining urgency and the false Moody's increasing intrusions on his privacy. Then in June, the potion was mentioned.

In spidery, shaking handwriting, Snape had written:

17 June, 1995

At least I am sure of my potions efficacy now. The Dark Lord was most displeased by my tardiness. It was a long time before he allowed me to give my excuses. I truly did not believe I would live through the night. I returned here to collapse upon my bed. I was quite insensible until the old man found me this morning. When I woke, I could not think clearly and in those moments, I did not believe I would ever be free of the pain. Dumbledore was grim as he examined me. He said my magic was quite exhausted.

I had set out my potion against this circumstance, but in my state, I had not thought to take it. Dumbledore fairly tipped it down my throat. It was not the most pleasant of experiences at first, but then a deep sleep overcame me until this afternoon. I am feeling well enough to eat and to write, obviously. It is clear that I will have more opportunities to test this formula over the long term.

For two more years, Snape tested the potion strictly on his own person. Almost every meeting with Voldemort brought further need for it, as he was often displeased with Snape's messages. Many of Voldemort's supporters began to experience degradations in their magic, and certainly in their thinking according to Snape. He contemptuously observed that if there were more meetings, they could let the Dark Lord finish off his own followers.

The year Snape was made headmaster, he began to use it on the victims of the Carrows. He did not record the effects, nor even the names of the students as he did so.

Except for Neville.

18 October, 1997

I had always wondered why Longbottom was sorted into Gryffindor. He seemed far too timid for that. I suppose I had assumed, like Minerva, that the family legacy had swayed the Hat. It appears that I was much mistaken. I should record here, in case this is ever read, that my potion is not to be taken lightly by one who has had serious, or long standing damage. I thought I'd killed the boy. If I'd have had any choice

Several sentences were struck out, as though Snape was having trouble organizing what he wanted to say.

It would be prudent to administer a seizure preventative and something to render the patient insensible while the potion does its work.

Harry glanced at his desk, where the small vial of memories that Neville had sent sat waiting, knowing that this was the next step.