It was early Saturday morning and Severus sat alone at his kitchen table, enjoying his cup of coffee. Or, rather, he was trying to enjoy it. It was times like this, when it seemed as if his past was going to rush up and swallow him whole, that he was quite certain that if he started drinking, he would never stop.

He and Lily had a meeting with Dumbledore for six o'clock that evening at Hogwarts. He was going to tell her absolutely everything and the thought terrified him. He still had no idea what the best way to word anything would be, but really, what did that matter? It was the context that truly counted and nothing he could say would change what it all meant in the end.

It was his fault that James Potter was dead and that Lily had spent eleven years apart from her own son, locked away in a mansion alone, held captive. It was his fault that she was no without any magical ability. Yet she had come to him for help.

If only she had known. If she had known that it was he who had delivered the prophecy to the Dark Lord, Severus was sure she would have never come at all.

They had never really made up after that horrible day in fifth year. Not completely. Oh, they had remained polite acquaintances. They would nod hello and there might be "How are you? Fine. Good." if they happened to cross paths. But no longer did they study together or go on long walks around the lake. Before, nearly every day of every summer, they would meet up in a small grove of trees off the park where they would spend hours there, talking and making up silly stories to amuse themselves. They would do their summer school assignments and sometimes just sit in companionable silence. But Severus hadn't been back there since, refusing to go alone.

Years down the road, long after turning away from the Dark Lord to side with Dumbledore, it would occur to him. Why hadn't he listened to Lily? He could have stopped what he was doing. He should have turned away from that path.

He was too prideful. So certain he was right. But thinking about it later, regretting his choices, he knew in his heart that as long as he was going down that dark road, she would have nothing to do with him. He hadn't understood until it was too late. He had been so foolish.

So it now begged the question of why she had come to him for help, when the last she had seen or heard of him, he had still been travelling down the same dark road as a slave of the Dark Lord. Perhaps it was simply because whatever stupid choices he made, she knew that he could never say no to her.

With an inward groan, Severus sat his coffee mug down. Even thinking about that evening and what was to come made him sick to his stomach. He'd known since Lily had come through his front door several days ago that he would have to tell her everything eventually. At first he had fooled himself into thinking that he would be able to do it on his own. But eventually, after much procrastination, he admitted to himself that he couldn't. Hogwarts was the best place, he'd decided. It was a place they were both comfortable at and it gave Severus a designated place to say what he had to. And of course, they would be alone, except for Dumbledore, who Severus hoped to use as a mediator of sorts.

Thinking of Lily, Severus noted how much better she looked already. While she had not been starved while locked away, she hadn't taken to eating much. The clothes she'd worn when she first arrived had been old and worn and she had looked tired and worried. Now she looked much happier and sometimes, for the briefest of moments, even carefree. When she smiled or laughed, he felt himself instantly pulled back to their days in the grove where they had been young and happy, and wished fervently that the feeling could last longer than a few seconds at a time.

A creak of a floorboard from upstairs interrupted his musings and he grimaced. Potter was apparently up and that meant that it wouldn't be long now before he was downstairs at the table, just like every morning now. With a slight grunt, he stood up and went to drop a few pieces of toast into the toaster. The boy would no doubt be ready to eat and Severus was not about to let him starve, even if he didn't like him.

Making the brat breakfast every morning was not a caring gesture, Severus told himself, as he poured a glass of milk. It was a simple requirement when one had a child living in your home. He refused to acknowledge the little fact that he could easily demand the boy pour his own milk and make his own toast. At eleven years old, he was quite capable of at least that much. But Severus combated that thought with the idea that he did not want to have to deal with any unnecessary messes that having the child make his own breakfast might entail. It was far easier to just go ahead and make the toast and milk. It would save him a lot of annoyance in the future, he was sure.

That afternoon, Severus found himself in the cellar and wishing he could simply lock Potter upstairs in his bedroom. Only Lily's presence and memories from his own childhood kept him from actually doing so. Instead, he gritted his teeth as he looked up at the boy, sitting with slumped shoulders on an overturned cauldron.

"Potter," he growled. "Have I not made it abundantly clear that I don't want you down here?"

"I just want to watch..."

"No. Go upstairs."

"Can't I help then?" Potter stopped shuffling his bare feet against the floor. "What are you doing?"

He came over to where Severus was standing at the table and Severus promptly moved his knives to the other side of the table, out of the boy's reach.

"Inventory," said Severus.

"What's that?" Potter pushed his glasses up his nose.

"Honestly, did they not teach you anything in primary school?" sneered Severus, tapping his fingers against the table top with perhaps more force than necessary. "Inventory is when you make a list of how many items you have."

Comprehension dawned on the boy's face. "Oh, so you can know what you're out of?"

"Indeed. No, Potter, do not touch that!" He swatted the boy's hand away from a box of Muslap powder. "Without gloves, you will be itching for days."

"Sorry." Potter bit his lip.

Severus exhaled slowly. "What is your mother doing? Can you not help her with something?

"She's dusting off the books and shelves in the sitting room." Potter yawned and walked around to the other side of the table. "Said she didn't want me to mess up your books."

"As I'm sure you would find a way to do," said Severus, although he was more sure that Lily hadn't wanted her son handling the many Dark Arts volumes that lined the shelves.

He watched as the boy stepped away from the table and turned, gazing at the newly renovated, though still quite small room.

"Do you brew potions all summer long?"

Severus rolled his eyes. "I do manage to squeeze in a few hours of sleep every now and then."

"Well, what d'you use them for?"

"They're used in the infirmary at Hogwarts. Although this year..." Severus paused and quickly tallied up his jars of trout scales. "This year I will be attempting to sell some for a few apothecaries."

Potter pushed his glasses back up his nose. "Like for your own business?"

"Not quite."

"Oh."

It was quiet after that, although only for a few minutes. Potter amused himself by walking around the large table, eyeing all the different jars and vials. Severus had his mind completely focused on counting a tedious amount of jars of puréed frog tongues when Potter let out a pained cry.

Severus' gaze shot up to find Potter standing in the corner across the table. He wore a strained expression and his eyes were streaming.

"Potter, what on earth is the matter with you? You look..."

His gaze dropped to the boy's left foot and he pinched the bridge of his nose. A mousetrap was clamped over the boy's bare toes and Severus cursed himself for not tossing the old trap out days ago. Throwing down his list and quill, he hurried around the table.

"What have you got yourself into this time?" he muttered, gripping the boy beneath his arms and lifting him to sit on the table.

Potter remained silent, but a quick glance at his stoic face showed Severus the boy was still in pain, as his eyes watered and his lip was chewed on.

With nimble fingers, Severus carefully pried the trap off the boy's dirty toes and promptly tossed it into a nearby rubbish bin. Then he took the small foot into his hands and applied gentle pressure to it.

"Does that hurt?" He glanced back up into Potter's face.

The boy swallowed and nodded.

"All right then." Severus let go of his foot and went to a nearby upper cabinet, where he pulled out a large jar of salve. He brought it to the table. "Your toes aren't broken, but they are quite bruised, so I'm going to apply this salve to your foot. It should soothe the pain in just a few minutes."

Without waiting for a response, the he unscrewed the lid from the jar and dipped his fingers into the pale, yellow cream. He took Potter's foot into his hands again and began to rub the salve in.

Potter sucked in a breath at first, and then released it slowly as his pain was soothed away.

After a few moments, Severus wiped his hands on a nearby rag and sat the jar back down on the table.

"Better?" he asked, watching the boy closely.

"Um, a little bit, yeah." Potter blinked away the moisture in his eyes and held his foot out for inspection. "Still kinda hurts though."

"The pain should disappear completely soon."

"Thanks," Potter mumbled.

"Now," Severus loomed over the boy and sneered, "Are you really so stupid that you would come walking about down here with no shoes on?"

Potter leaned back and avoided his gaze. "Sorry. I wasn't thinking..."

"That much is obvious, Potter. You never think, do you? When anywhere near a potions lab, you are to wear shoes. Is that clear?"

"I will next time, I promise..."

"You'd better."

"Sorry," the boy repeated, clasping his hands together.

Severus picked up the boy's foot again. "How does it feel now? Can you walk on it?"

"I think so."

Severus reached out and swung him off the table with ease, setting him carefully on the floor. Potter took a few tentative steps and nodded in satisfaction.

"Feels fine, sir."

"Good." Severus turned his back to the boy and screwed the lid back on the jar of salve. "Now run upstairs, put some shoes on, and don't come back down here."

Potter came around in front of him and looked closely at the jar of salve. "That stuff works good."

"Of course it does." Severus scoffed, putting the jar away.

"Are you going to make more soon?"

"Most likely."

"Can I help?"

"Go. Up. Stairs," Severus ground out, rubbing a hand across the back of his neck. "I do not want you down here."

"But, Professor, I just -"

"For the love of god, Potter, go upstairs!" Severus slammed a hand down upon the table.

The boy shrank back instantly, fear flashing across his face, briefly, before it was gone.

"Sorry." He began to inch around the table, never taking his eyes off of Severus.

But before Potter had taken three paces, light steps could be heard coming down the stairs to the cellar. Moments later, Lily appeared in the door, a tired expression written across her face.

"Is everything okay down here?" she asked, her face searching her son's. "Harry?"

Potter didn't move from his spot behind the table. He just stood there silently, biting down on his lip.

"Severus?" she prompted.

"I was trying to work. He interrupted my counting and I lost my temper." Severus felt dread settle in his stomach. "I apologise."

Lily frowned, then turned back to her son. "Harry, why don't you run upstairs and go play in the garden for awhile?"

"Do I have to?"

"I think you'd better."

"Okay." Potter edged around the table, carefully steering clear of Severus. He hurried past his mother and up the stairs.

When the back door could be heard closing, Lily stepped closer to the table and gave Severus a piercing look. "He was afraid of you."

"I shouted at him." Severus pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. "I'm sorry."

"He was afraid of you. Why?"

"I lost my temper."

She stared silently, and then asked, "Did you hit him?"

"What? No!" Severus felt his heart speed up in his chest. "Lily, I swear to you I never laid a hand on him. I wouldn't do that. Ever. How can you even think that?"

"I had to ask," she admitted.

"Did you really?"

"Yes," Lily huffed, tossing her hands into the air. She looked away, taking in the renovated room. "I'm worried about him, Severus. I could tell when I got to my sister's house that she and Vernon had never been good to him. He's so tiny and none of his clothes fit him right. They're all either too big or too small and just... now I'm thinking that they might have hurt him."

"Have you asked him?"

Lily clutched at the neckline of her brightly coloured blouse. "I haven't wanted to. He's still warming up to me and I don't want to scare him away. I want him to trust me, and I want him to trust you too. I don't want anybody to hurt him ever again."

Feeling weak-kneed, Severus pulled two straight back chairs away from the table, into the middle of the room.

He dropped down into one and asked heatedly, "Well, do you believe me?"

"Do I have any other choice?" She rubbed her face and dropped unceremoniously into the other chair. "If you don't want us here, just tell me, okay?"

"I do want you here." Severus leaned forward.

She slouched further and twisted her mouth into a frown. "But do you want Harry here?"

He opened his mouth, but couldn't think of anything to say in response. "I - Lily, don't be this way."

"What way?" Anger flashed across her face. "I'm asking you a simple question. Just answer me. You told me the first night that Harry reminded you of James."

"He does. He looks like him. I can't help that."

"Right, he looks like James. But he's not James and he's not me either. He's his own person. I thought if I didn't push it, that you'd come around. But apparently I was wrong." Lily pushed herself up straight as her body tensed. "You're his teacher. You saw him every day for a whole school year and you're still acting like this?"

"Acting like what?"

"I heard you call him 'Potter' and don't think I haven't heard it before over the last few days."

He cocked an eyebrow. "Well, that's his name, isn't it? It's how I address all my students."

She ground her teeth together and huffed, "Oh, don't get smart with me! That's my name too, and you don't call me that. You're not in school, Severus. You can call him Harry. Whenever you think I won't hear, you just call him 'Potter' in that same, scathing, disgusted tone you always addressed James in."

Feeling like the energy had been drained from him, Severus gave a disheartened shrug. "That's true. You're right."

"What?" Lily's mouth fell open, but she quickly recovered, adding, "Well, of course I am."

She was right. He wasn't just saying that to please her. Admitting he was wrong was something he rarely did, or said to anybody. He knew, logically, that he was wrong in the way he treated the boy. He'd known that since the beginning. But emotionally was where it all got confused. He couldn't make sense of it in his own head, let alone voice it. How was he supposed to explain this properly to Lily?

"I am... wrong. I should call him Harry," he said, searching for the right words. "In my head, I know that your son isn't James. But somehow that fails to matter at a certain point. When he first came to Hogwarts last year, I had already vowed to myself that I would protect him... for you. But I found that I couldn't protect him from myself."

He took a breath and met her eyes to find that she was watching him intently.

"I wanted to honour you by protecting your son," Severus continued, wishing he could have put off this particular conversation until later that evening. "But at the same time I found myself wanting to hurt James Potter in the same way he hurt me. I waited for years for the day Harry Potter would start school, both looking forward to the moment and dreading it. When he arrived though, it seemed that he was James' clone and I wanted to hate him. I wanted to hurt James Potter and I was foolishly taking my anger out on a child who didn't deserve it at all. It was only when I got closer, and I saw his eyes, that I was reminded of you. So I purposefully distanced myself from him. He reminded me too much of what I had lost, due to my own stupid choices."

She shook her head and a strand of her fell across her face. "Severus, I don't understand."

"But you will," he insisted, as he willed himself not to vomit at the thought of his confession that evening. "Later this evening, I'll explain more and you'll understand."

Lily cocked her head and asked softly, "Why are you so afraid?"

"I'm not." Severus lifted his chin.

"Yes, you are. What could possibly be such a big secret?" Crossing her arms over chest, she leaned back. "I know you were a Death Eater."

Severus waved a hand. "Everybody knows that."

"So what's the big deal then?"

Severus said nothing. The conversation was becoming redundant and tiresome.

"You're scaring me, you know." She broke eye contact with him to gaze at the floor. "I thought I knew you."

"I told you that you didn't. Not anymore. I've made some terrible choices, Lily. Ones other people have had to pay for every day since. You don't know me at all."

"But I want to. You were my best friend for years. Things came between us, we both said things we didn't mean. I just wish we hadn't let them go so far. Now look at us."

"You shouldn't want anything to do with me," he spat out, unable to hide his frustration any longer. "We keep having this same discussion and I know you don't understand, but you will. It's wrong that we should even be sitting in this room together now. You have no idea how wrong it is."

"That's only because you keep dancing around the subject, refusing to actually say anything important. But until you do, I want to try to do what we can to be friends again. I'm living in your house, but there's something between us. Some huge problem, judging by what you've said so far." She reached out and put a hand lightly upon one of his.

Severus stared at the slender, white fingers against the rough calluses of his own hand.

"I don't know what we can do about that," she went on. "But for now we can start with some smaller things."

"Like what?" She was touching him. How could he not agree with her?

"Like Harry. Say it, Severus. It's just a name."

He swallowed and forced out through dry lips, "Harry."

"Good." The corners of her mouth turned up and she leaned slightly forward. "Now say it again, but don't think of James, okay?"

Damn. He couldn't think about James Potter at that moment even if he wanted to.

"Harry," he repeated, in a near whisper this time.

"See, was that so hard?" She squeezed his hand.

"You have no idea."

Lily's voice dropped to match his hushed tone. "You know, you're not nearly as dark and horrid as you like people to think you are."

His gaze flew up to meet hers. "How would you know?"

"Intuition. Trust me."

"I do."

"Good." Lily gave his hand another squeeze. "I don't regret coming here."

"But you will." He tried to smile at her, but couldn't bring himself to.

She opened her mouth to respond, but was cut off by the slamming of the back door above them and a child's voice calling out.

They both glanced up towards the ceiling and then Severus pulled his hand reluctantly out of Lily's grasp.

"You'd better go check on Harry... before he comes back down here." Severus pushed himself to his feet and gestured towards the table behind them. "I'm going to finish this and I'll be up in a bit."

Lily gave him a small wave, and then turned to the stairs. "I'm coming, Harry!"

Severus watched her disappear up the stairwell. As soon as she was out of sight, he sighed and leaned heavily back against the potions table. Tonight was going to be far worse than he had originally expected.

It was nearly six o'clock and Severus hoped he didn't look as nauseated as he felt. He paced back and forth in the sitting room, only vaguely aware of the light conversation that Lily was having with her son in the next room. A part of him demanded that he man up and take what he deserved. Another part of him simply continued to urge that he should be upstairs, close to the toilet in case he really should have to vomit. The smell of macaroni cheese wafted into the room and he put a quivering hand on top of his stomach. Thank goodness this wasn't a meeting that included food.

"Severus!" Lily called out.

He took a deep breath and strode purposefully into the room. Lily was standing at the counter spooning big, yellow globs of macaroni into three mismatched plastic bowls. She sat one down in front of Harry, who was already sitting in his usual spot. She put down a blue bowl at Severus' usual place. Only then did she seem to realize he had come into the room.

"Macaroni's done," she said over her shoulder, pouring some milk into an empty glass for Harry.

Severus grimaced, not sure he could stomach anything at the moment. "I'm not very hungry this evening."

"Suit yourself, but you really should eat a little something." She shook her head, sitting down in her chair. "At least sit down. Your pacing is driving me crazy."

He dropped down into his chair, grateful she didn't push the matter, and poured himself a glass of water from the pitcher on the table.

"Professor McGonagall will be here shortly." Lily pulled a bowl to herself and looked hesitantly at her son. "You'll be good, won't you?"

His fork halfway to his mouth, Harry assured her, "I'll be fine, Mum."

Severus wanted to scoff out loud at the frail promise, but he stopped himself. Lily might have asked for his help, but he wasn't about to take over, even if she wanted him to. She was blindly feeling her way around this new territory of parenthood and he had no wish to discourage her.

Fifteen short minutes later, Severus had finished off three glasses of water just to keep himself from getting up and wearing a hole in the kitchen floor. Now he could add his own personal ocean to the odd feeling in his stomach. He was wiping off the table when a tawny barn owl landed on the windowsill outside. Lily turned from where she was washing dishes with Harry.

"Oh, it's a school owl! I haven't seen one in so long!"

Severus opened the window and quickly took the letter from the owl. Seeing that it was addressed to the parents of Harry James Potter, he sat it down on the counter.

"It looks like your end of term results," he said to Harry, who was standing on the tips of his toes over the sink.

The boy spun around, his eyes wide, and as he pulled his arms out of the sink, water splashed into a puddle over the floor.

"Oh, for the love of -" Severus stopped himself, catching the look Lily sent his way.

Harry looked up at him, biting his lip again. "Sorry?"

Severus pointed his wand at the puddle and the water disappeared.

"Do try to be more careful," he said firmly, picking up the letter again. "Now then, this letter is for your mother, so-"

"Would you mind reading it out loud, Severus?" Lily interrupted him, holding up her hands over the sink. She was covered in suds up to her elbows. "I'm a bit... um, indisposed at the moment."

Severus smirked. "Certainly."

He broke the seal and pulled a crisp sheet of parchment from the envelope and began to read the results out load.

"Overall," Severus began in a clear voice, "Astronomy, A; Charms, A; Defense, E..."

He raised an eyebrow and let his voice drift off. Lowering the letter, he gave Harry what he knew to be one of his most dangerous looks, as he felt himself slip all too easily into teaching mode.

"Mr. Potter, do you care to explain how you seem to have managed an O in your Defence practical, yet a P in theory? As a matter of fact," he glanced back down at the letter, "I am beginning to see a trend here."

Lily looked perplexed and reached for a towel. "What's the matter? Here, let me see."

"In most subjects, his grades in theoretical work are all significantly lower than in the practical ones." He handed the grade report to Lily. "Except for History of Magic. That grade is quite abominable in both."

Lily took the parchment and he watched how, as she read over it, she chewed almost compulsively on her bottom lip. A moment later she looked back up at her son, who continued to stand by the sink, seemingly frozen.

"Harry, are you having trouble in school?" she asked, her voice laced with concern.

"No," the boy said, casting his gaze downward.

"Then what seems to the problem here?" Severus tried to keep his voice level. Loath as he would have been to admit it even a week ago, he knew the child was smart. Something else was going on here and the fact that he didn't know what it was infuriated him.

"I-" Harry opened his mouth, but was cut off by the sound of the Floo flaring to life.

Severus gave one last look towards the boy, who was still standing there, hands dripping water on the floor again.

"We will discuss this later." He cast a second drying charm at the puddle and then strode from the room.