17

Memories

Two weeks later:

Severus' speech kept on improving, he spent an hour to two hours a day working on regaining his precise speech patterns, until he no longer needed the notebook to communicate. He still had a little problem with slurring words, especially when he was tired, but for the most part he was now enunciating clearly. Lily and Lucy decided to celebrate that milestone by cooking a fine meal of chicken marsala, mashed potatoes, green beans, and olive oil with Italian spices bread dipping sauce with freshly made Italian bread. They had sorbet for dessert and fresh fruit. It was the first dinner they had as a family since the accident, and both patients were recovering nicely.

Harry was now doing some memory exercises and short assignments given to him by Lily. He was spending more and more time out of bed and walking about the cottage grounds in the fresh air. But he didn't go flying. That was still forbidden, but even if it hadn't been, Harry wasn't sure he wanted to fly. His confidence had been badly shaken by the accident and now he felt uneasy. Part of it was guilt that he had been reckless and hurt Severus, not to mention himself. Guilt made him doubt his flying skills.

He also hadn't attempted any magic since then, not even the simple charms like Lumos and Accio. He also had not tried to use his stormcaller power. Instead he practiced the meditation Lily had taught him, hoping that it would help him harness his wild talent.

Theo had regained his human form after a day or two, and he spent most of his time trying to research his shifting talent. Harry knew the young Squib was delighted that he had inherited the family talent, that it made him feel more like a wizard, more a part of wizarding society.

Harry was happy that his friend had a unique talent, that he could fly without needing someone to be with him on a broom. He thought Theo's talent was awesome, and in fact secretly envied Theo for his talent that was not a constant burden and a danger to those around him. And he hated himself for feeling that way. What kind of selfish git envied his best friend the best thing that had ever happened to him? The same kind of git who nearly killed the man who was both mentor and father figure.

As a result of his self-loathing and guilty conscience, Harry became moody and snappish. He began spending more time alone, trying to come to grips with himself, but failing miserably. Even at this dinner, he was quiet, only speaking when spoken to.

Severus eyed the dark-haired boy in concern. He could tell that all was not right with Harry. He could see that Lily was concerned over her son, but unable to reach him. He suspected a lot of Harry's attitude had to do with the accident and the fact that the boy refused to forgive himself for it. Severus longed to help Harry resolve this dilemma, but knew that unless he regained his memories of that day, he was useless. Poppy had told him that he might never regain them, that they might be lost beyond recall.

But Severus refused to accept that. He had dealt with amnesia patients before, and knew that while the mind might block out memories for a time, years even, they still remained within the brain. All he needed to do was gain access to them. Severus was an accredited Mind Healer, he knew how to unlock repressed memories. He decided that night to try some of the techniques he used on patients on himself.

"Harry, would you like more chicken?" asked Lily. "You only ate a piece. Do you not like it?"

"It was great, Mum. But I'm not very hungry tonight," Harry replied, keeping his eyes down and focused on his plate.

"Not even for dessert?"

"Maybe a little bit," he conceded. He always had room for dessert, but lately even that wasn't the thrill it used to be.

He slowly ate his fruit and sorbet, while listening to Theo chatter about his latest flight in his cold drake form. He knew his mother was worried about him, but he couldn't talk to her about what was bothering him, because there was nothing she could do to help. Only one person could help him, and Severus was lost within his own mind.

Lily felt frustration well up within her. She could see plainly that Harry was troubled over something, but didn't seem to want to share what it was with her. She felt like she was failing him as a mother, because he wouldn't come to her. She had asked him repeatedly if there was something wrong and he always shrugged her off or ignored her. It made her long to shake him until he talked or hug him and never let go. She looked at Severus, who sat across from her. Perhaps he could break through the wall Harry had erected.

Harry finished his dessert, then asked to be excused.

"But Harry, we were going to play cards," Lily said. "Don't you want to—?"

"No, thanks. I've got some studying I need to do," Harry said swiftly. He knew he was upsetting his mother by shutting himself away, but he couldn't help himself. He just didn't want to do anything with anyone. He got up and went down the hall to his room before anyone else could try and persuade him to stay.

Lily glanced after him, a frown on her brow. "I don't know what to do with that kid sometimes. He seems determined to wallow in his own misery."

Severus nodded in understanding. "He is. He blames himself for what happened. And until he lets go of his guilt and accepts the fact that it was an accident, he'll keep on being miserable."

"So what can we do about it, Sev? I've tried talking with him, but he won't speak of it. Not to me, or Lucy, not even Theo."

"Which leaves me. We spoke of it briefly, and I thought he might accept my forgiveness when he couldn't forgive himself, but now I see that's not the case. I'll have to think on it, Lily. Maybe set up a few sessions between him and me."

"Would you please, Sev? Maybe he'll talk to you where he won't to me." Lily shot him a grateful look.

"All I can do is try," Severus said.

Page~*~*~*~*~Break

That night, Severus put himself in a self-induced hypnotic trance. He knew that sometimes hypnotism worked and other times it didn't, depending on the patient's mind. Because he was a natural Occlumens, Severus could not rely on another Healer to try and trance him, they would never get through his shields. But trancing himself was a different story. Now that he was recovered mostly from his concussion, he could try and heal himself slowly. The first step was to regain the memory he had lost.

So he used his meditation techniques and slipped into a fourth level trance. He had directed his mind to remain there no more than eight hours, and to wake afterwards, whether or not the memory had resurfaced.

His breathing slowed and he fell through the mists of his mind, searching . . .

Memories flickered through his head, some of Lily, some of Theo, and lastly of Harry, the boy he had come to see as a surrogate son. He focused on the memories of Harry. They were many and varied, but none of them were what he sought. He searched deeper. Where was the memory of that day?

He did not know how long he was under the trance but suddenly he found what he had been searching for, buried beneath a slick black wall of pain. He slipped past the wall and found what he sought. The memory surfaced, sharp and cold.

He had woken up and known instinctively that it was too quiet in the cottage. Where were the boys? He rose and searched the house, finding them no longer in it. Concerned, he went and looked about outside.

It was then he saw them, Harry on his broom chasing the newly changed cold drake about the sky. His lips tightened and his eyes flashed with anger. What in Merlin's name were they doing? How could they be so foolish, to fly in plain sight and without permission? The reckless young idiots!

Well, he was going to put a stop to it right now. He Summoned the Blackbolt and in seconds was airborne. He flew up towards the willow tree and glared furiously at the two mischievous rascals.

Just then Lily emerged from the cottage and shouted, "Harry James Potter! You get your little arse down here right this instant! This instant, do you hear me?"

Severus flinched a little at the tone in Lily's voice. Still, he could not blame her for being angry. Someone was going to be very unhappy tonight, he thought.

Then he saw the mini twister in Harry's palm, and the sight made him grow cold. Then he was angry all over again, because he had told Harry a hundred times not to play around with his powers unless an adult was with him. He opened his mouth to give the boy a piece of his mind, when Harry's broom spiraled out of control. Severus tried to move away, but couldn't pull free in time.

Harry hit him like a ton of bricks and the last thing he recalled was the back of his head striking the tree with a dull thud, then blackness . . .

Severus came out of the trance with a gasp. His forehead was beaded with sweat. But he had succeeded. He remembered what had happened that day. The memory was so fresh in his mind that he still felt some of the residual feelings from it. Anger, irritation, fear, and pain. He had to keep reminding himself that he was fine now, that he was recovering. But at least he understood why Harry was so upset . . . and why he deserved some kind of punishment.

Severus looked over at the other bed, which Harry was sleeping in. When he had come up, he had found Harry asleep, and so had no opportunity to talk to him. But now, with the memory intact, he could finally talk with Harry from a position of knowledge and authority. Tomorrow. Right now he was so tired he was lucky he could remember his own name.

He closed his eyes and slept deeply.

Page~*~*~*~*~Break

Harry woke up rather early the next morning. Normally he would have hurried to get dressed and eat before going flying, but now . . .now it just gave him more time to brood. He left the room and went to the loo. In his depressed state, he just felt like going back to sleep, because what was the point of getting up?

But when he walked back into the room, he saw something that made him suddenly wide awake.

Severus was sitting up in bed and looking more . . . alert than Harry had seen him since before the accident.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" Harry mumbled, trying unsuccessfully to rub the sleep from his eyes.

Severus shook his head. "No. Close the door, please. We need to talk."

Harry obeyed, wondering what on earth his mentor would want to talk about at six thirty in the morning. He started to make his way over to his bed.

"Come and sit here," the Mind Healer said, and while it was spoken quietly, there was no mistaking the tone of command in his voice.

Harry blinked, then walked over and sat down beside the older wizard. "What did you want to see me about?"

Severus looked at him oddly, with a combination of sadness and anger. Then he said, with a touch of sternness, "You've been wallowing in guilt and blame for too long, Harry. It has to stop."

Harry looked away. "I can't help it," he mumbled.

Severus pulled his chin about so the boy was looking at him. "The reason why you're so miserable, Harry, is because you can't forgive yourself. But perhaps now you can."

"I . . . don't understand."

"I remember that day now, Harry. I dreamed of it last night, and the memory remains." Severus stated evenly.

Harry felt his heart do an odd sort of leap. Severus remembered! "You do?"

"Yes. I remember exactly what happened. You and Theo behaved very recklessly and foolishly. You not only put yourselves at risk, but our world by flying without Notice Me Not charms. What if you'd been seen by a Muggle?" Severus rebuked.

Harry flinched. "We . . . never thought about that."

"No, because you were only concerned about what you wanted. It was that kind of self-absorbed behavior that led to the accident."

"I didn't mean to hurt you," Harry said, lowering his head.

Severus tipped his chin up. "No, but that is what happened. Both of us were hurt by your poor decision."

Tears welled in the green eyes. "I'm sorry. I won't ever be stupid like that again."

"I sincerely hope not. This was a hard lesson for you to learn, but then those are the ones that usually stick with us."

"Yes, sir," Harry sniffled. He swallowed hard. "Are you . . . going to punish me?"

Severus drew in a breath. "I would say you have already punished yourself more than anything I could do. Your mother tells me you no longer fly your broom or use your magic and you isolate yourself from everyone. Why?"

"Because . . . I just don't feel right flying my broom right now. I almost killed you. My magic is dangerous and I . . . just don't feel like being around anyone."

"I see. Do you feel like you aren't worthy of being with your family? That you don't deserve them, perhaps?"

"I don't. All I do is hurt people with my stupid talent."

Severus sighed. "Harry, do you think you are the only one who has ever lost control of his magic? It's called accidental magic for a reason, and it's why we have schools. Everyone in this house, myself included, has lost control at one time or another. It's a normal process of growing up. You are no different."

"I am so. Who else do you know that can summon killer storms, huh? That people think is dangerous?" Harry flared.

"Do you think you're dangerous?"

"Yes!"

"Good. Because we are all dangerous. Magic is a powerful force, and can be used for good or misused for evil. But do you know how to stop being dangerous?" Harry shook his head. "You learn how to master the magic. To control it. That's why you're here with me. But you cannot learn control unless you practice."

Harry bit his lip. "I'm afraid."

"You should be. A little fear is healthy. But don't let it consume you. Now, I have already told you that I forgive you for what happened."

"I know. But it's not enough."

"Why?"

"Because . . ."

"Would it be because you're expecting a more formal punishment for your behavior?" Severus probed.

Harry nodded. "Last time I fooled around with my power on my broom, Mum spanked me."

"And you feel that you deserve the same now?"

"Yes. I mean, I nearly killed you! And myself. Don't you agree? Aren't you even a little bit angry at me being so stupid? After you told me a dozen times not to fly without permission? I would have thought you'd be glad to . . .wallop my ass."

Severus frowned. "Harry, I am never glad about carrying out punishments. I dislike causing you or Theo pain, emotionally or physically. But sometimes punishments are necessary to recall to you the gravity of your behavior and to remind you never to act that way again." He cleared his throat and reached for the glass of water on his nightstand. After he had drank some, he continued, "To answer your previous question, yes, I am angry at you for behaving as you did, but what's done is done. I feel that since you already understand what you did was wrong, and have suffered for your folly as I have, there is no need for me to add any additional punishments. However, I can see you don't agree with that, do you?"

Harry slowly shook his head. "It's not that I really want a spanking, 'cause I'd rather not get one, but I . . . just feel so guilty and I can't stop feeling that way . . ."

"And you think a spanking will satisfy your guilty conscience and allow you to forgive yourself?"

Harry nodded again. He knew he must be going crazy, to ask for such a thing, but it was how he felt.

Severus ground his back teeth together. He didn't like being pushed into a corner, and forced to give a punishment he felt was unnecessary. However, his Healer instincts were telling him that in order for Harry to forgive himself, he was going to have to do what the boy wanted. Even if he disagreed with it. He drew in a deep breath and let it out. Finally, he said, "Very well. If you are certain . . . let us get this over with. Lie over my lap."

Harry obeyed without hesitating. He too just wanted to get it over with. He gripped the bedcovers tightly and waited.

Severus hesitated before doling out the first smack. He knew he couldn't get away with token swats, he had to do this for real, or else Harry would still feel guilty. At the same time he didn't want to hurt the boy any more than necessary. He raised his hand.

Harry wondered what was taking so long. He hoped Severus wasn't going to tell him he changed his mind. Then he felt a sharp whack, and he yelped. The smack was much harder than the one he remembered getting from Lily. He sucked in a breath.

Five more followed, and each one stung more than the last, making him squirm and cry, despite his resolve not to. Tears flowed freely down his cheeks. He wanted to tell Severus to stop, but he bit his lip. He deserved this, he reminded himself.

Severus steeled himself and administered one last hard swat, making the boy over his lap start sobbing. "It's over, son," he said.

Harry just lay there, crying heartbrokenly.

Severus knew Harry's tears were cathartic, and so didn't tell him to stop crying. He rubbed the boy's back, over and over. "I forgive you, Harry. Do you forgive yourself?"

"Y-yes," Harry sniffled, lifting his head from the blanket he'd buried it in. He couldn't believe how much his bum hurt. Severus had a very hard hand. Then again, he'd asked for it, so he couldn't complain.

"Here, sit up," Severus said, his tone gentle. He lifted the boy and turned him so he was leaning on Severus's shoulder. "There. Now have a good cry, because you need that most of all. Get all that negative emotion out of your system."

Harry didn't understand quite what Severus meant by that, but he couldn't seem to control himself, and he cried until he was spent, and the knot in his stomach had loosened and the awful guilt that had smothered him was gone. Afterwards he just lay against the Healer, listening to Severus' heart beating, and trying not to wince over his sore bum. Finally, he could lay the specter of guilt to rest.

Severus just remained quiet and held him, sensing that was what the child needed.

Finally, Harry felt himself start to drift off to sleep, and he forced himself to stand up. He yawned, one hand going to his bottom to rub the sting away.

Severus couldn't help chuckling, for Harry looked just like a little kid after a deserved smacking, pouting and cute. "Go back to bed, Harry. You need to sleep after that."

Harry didn't bother to argue, he felt exhausted, and so he crawled back into his own bed, lying on his stomach. Within moments he was snoring.

Severus sighed and rubbed his hand on his blanket. It stung and he swore. From now on he was going to dictate when and how a child under his care was disciplined. No more of this choosing your own punishment. But one good thing had happened. Harry was finally able to let go of his guilt and shame. Now that issue was resolved, Severus could start encouraging Harry to use his power while under his guidance, and show the boy that control over his mercurial gift was not impossible. It would just take a lot of time and effort.

Severus yawned and turned over, his own eyes shutting. It had been a rough morning, but perhaps the afternoon would be better.