Snape stared at his plate, not feeling very hungry. Dumbledore had once again forced him into something he didn't want to do. The headmaster asked him, or better said demanded, that he would give Potter extra lessons to prepare him to face the Dark Lord. The reason behind the sudden lessons was the headmaster’s fear that a confrontation with the Dark Lord was rapidly approaching.
Even more troubling was that the headmaster also requested that he keep an eye on Gryffindor’s Golden Boy and report anything unusual. Between the lines Dumbledore had asked him to find out what happened to the boy while he was away during the winter holidays. Snape had protested but yet again the headmaster had blackmailed him.

Snape thought that everyone was overreacting by thinking something terrible had happened to the boy. He just had gotten himself into a nasty fight, which wasn't too surprising with his poor attitude but it didn't explain the scars on his arms.

The potions master looked up from his plate and scanned the Great Hall. When his eyes reached the Gryffindor table, he saw something extraordinary: Potter was sitting alone at the end of the table, staring at his plate as if the little food on it was poisonous. The last time he saw the hero of Gryffindor sitting away from the others students was four years ago when the whole school thought he was the heir of Slytherin. But even then he had had the support from his friends. Snape noticed that Weasley and Granger were sitting at the middle of the table, laughing about some idiotic joke. Suddenly, the Weasley boy gave Granger a swift peck on her cheek. So the rumours are true, thought Snape when he directed his eyes to his plate again. Seems Potter is jealous.

________________________________________________________

Harry made his way to the empty classroom on the second floor where he had his extra lessons. He walked as slowly as he could as if trying to avoid the inevitable. Before entering the classroom, he tried to suppress the fear that was building up inside of him. He had never been so afraid of the potions professor because now Snape had more material than ever to blackmail and humiliate him with. Harry took a deep breath, knocked on the door and without waiting for an answer he entered the snake’s den.

"Mister Potter," said Snape in a cold voice. "Barely on time."

Harry ignored his comment on cutting it so close and stared at the floor.

"Let's start, shall we? Block every curse that I throw at you." Before giving Harry time to pull his wand and prepare to block spells, Snape had fired a strong curse at him.

The curse hit Harry in his stomach and knocked him hard against the wall. He felt as if he couldn't breathe, as if the all the oxygen in the room was gone.

"Block!" sneered Snape while Harry got up, trying to hide the fact that he had trouble breathing.Snape waved his wand and Harry could breath normally again.

Again Snape threw a curse at him, but now Harry was prepared and yelled: "Protego!"

"Non-verbal spells Potter," said Snape without lowering his wand. "Surprise you're opponent."

For the third time Snape threw a curse at him and Harry tried to block it without saying a word, but failed. Again he was thrown against the wall, but Harry didn't say a word because he knew he deserved it. Failure must be punished, only that way could one learn and improve, but Harry was an exception. His uncle had been punishing him hard, trying to teach him to become better, to stop failing, but it didn't help. He was a lost cause. A freak, a burden.

__________________________________________________________

"Professor Lupin told me you were good at non-verbal spells," said Snape after Harry had failed to block for the fifth time. "Seems he is wrong."

Snape watched how Potter tried to get up. He thought it was odd that the brat didn't complain about how harsh and unfair his teaching methods were. Maybe he really did learn to control his temper.


"Concentrate, Potter," warned Snape before firing another spell and this time the spell hit a barrier, a block. Finally, thought Snape. He was beginning to lose his patience with the brat because he knew that Potter could do that. The boy had faced You Know Who four times now, completed three dangerous tasks, and trained a part of the student body in secret last year. Although he would never mention it out loud, he knew that Potter would be able to learn and use strong magic but now his magic was substandard and pathetic.

Snape lifted his wand and concentrated on a more powerful,harder to block spell. A silver jet of light appeared from his wand which broke Potter’s pathetic block and hit the boy. Snape raised his wand, causing the boy to levitate. With a powerful flick, he lifted the spell and sent Potter crashing into the wall with enormous power. He fell down and landed on his stomach. Snape could hear him moaning softly before becoming silent.

"Get up!" sneered Snape when Potter made no movement to get up. Maybe the spells was a bit too powerful. When the boy didn't obey, Snape walked slowly towards him. "Potter," he said sternly. No reaction. The Potion Master took hold of the boys wrist which caused a reaction that Snape hadn't expected: Potter flinched violently, jumped to his feet and backed away towards the corner, while his eyes scanned the room anxiously.
"Potter," said Snape again, but this time his voice was softer.

For a split second, Potter looked him in the eye before staring down at the floor.

"That is enough for today," said Snape. The Potions Master turned around and left the classroom. He couldn't stop thinking how odd Potter's behaviour was and how much different he acted than last year. Was he the only one who noticed the change in boy's behaviour? Snape thought the boy had acted strangely during his stay in his private quarters as well:crawling in the corner if he raised his voice or tried to touch him but Snape had attributed the behavior to his addiction. But now the boy was declared clean. Why do I care anyway? thought Snape bitterly and suppressed further thoughts.

___________________________________________________________

Harry sank down to the floor. His back and head ached due to the numerous collisions with the wall. He pulled up his knees and hugged them while he stared at the opposite wall. How could I've been so stupid? thought Harry. He had hoped that the git would at least mention something from the week they had spent together. Deep inside he had hoped that Snape would be kind to him but he should have know better. Snape was an evil git and would never ever be kind to anyone except his Slytherins. It was better this way. He didn't want Snape to care about him, he just wanted to be loved by someone...

Harry sighed. He hated it that Snape had seen him when he was in such a weak state but the git had helped him. He had cared enough to make sure he ate, bathed and he even was there when he woke up from a nightmare and once the Potion Master had let him cry on his shoulder. It was humiliating but it felt so good. No one ever cared enough to help him with such basic needs and no one ever held him while he was crying. But didn't he deserve everything that happened to him? He had killed Cedric and Sirius, hadn't he? And his parents died because of him...

Harry swallowed, trying to suppress the tears that came, but he couldn't. Big salty tears streamed down his cheeks and Harry made no attempt to wipe them away. He was so confused. He wanted to have a family, someone who cared for him, someone who would give him a hug when he needed one, someone who would be worried about him when he was doing stunts on his broom, someone who would give him rules and watch out for him. But he knew that he would never get that. He didn't deserve to be loved because he was a murderer, a freak. His aunt and uncle had always told them they tried to love him but they couldn't because he was too freakish and not good enough. He couldn't cook good enough, he didn't clean fast enough. They were right: he was a burden. He cost money and space but he didn't deserve it. None of this would have happened if his uncle had just drowned him when they found him on the doorsteps, but they wanted to give him a chance and he blew it. Of course his uncle didn't kill him because he was afraid of the Order but he found other ways to punish him and Harry didn't complain.

"Harry?" said a soft voice.

Harry jumped. He hadn't noticed that Professor Lupin had entered the classroom. No, Harry though desperate. He saw me cry, now he knows I'm weak. He tried to wipe the evidence of his tears away, though it was in vain.

"Have you been crying?" Lupin’s voice sounded worried.

"No," said Harry with a surprisingly steady voice. He jumped to his feet and looked at the floor.

"Why are you here?" asked Lupin while he stepped closer to Harry.

"Extra lessons with Snape," answered Harry. He didn't see the cloud of anger slide over Lupin’s face. "I think I'll be going now."

"Did Snape make you cry?"

"No, he didn't I was just -," he had no idea how to finish his sentence.

"Are you sure? Don't you want to talk about it?"

The last think he wanted was to talk. Why did no one ever leave him alone! Didn't I want somebody to be concerned? No Lupin just pretends he cares. He never came to check on him, so why would he care now?

"Harry?" Lupin reached out to him, trying to take his arm.

"NO!" yelled Harry and he moved quickly away from his teacher. He ignored Lupin who was almost begging him to talk and rushed out of the classroom to the Gryffindor common room.

________________________________________________________

A hard knock on his door made Snape sigh in annoyance. He was reading a very interesting book about different kinds of potions that would work on animals. Snape had never had any interest in brewing potions for animal usage but Hagrid had a very sick unicorn foal and asked Snape if he could brew something that could help the foal or ease it pains.

Snape opened the door and looked straight into the face of an angry looking werewolf. "Lupin," sneered Snape. "To what do I own the pleasure?"

"What did you do to him?!" said Lupin. He was obvious trying to stay calm.

"If you can define 'him' I might be able to answer."

"Harry, of course!"

Snape frowned. "I just tried to teach him how to block without using words, as Dumbledore requested of me."

"You have been bullying him!" accused Lupin.

"Let's continue this conversation inside my quarters." Snape stepped aside so that the wolf could enter. "Why do you assume that I was bullying him? Did he run to you, asking for justice?" sneered Snape after he had closed the door.

"No," started Lupin. "I was on the second floor when I heard crying so I went into the classroom were the sound was coming from and there he was, sitting on the floor hugging his knees with a tear stained face."

Snape sat down in an armchair near the fireplace but didn't bother to offer Lupin a seat.
"And why do you think I was the cause of Mr. Potter’s sorrow?" Snape couldn't believe that the pathetic boy was crying over their lesson. Potter wasn't like that. Something else must have happened after Snape had left the classroom.

Lupin shrugged and sat down on the couch. "He acted so weird."

"Because his behaviour is different than normal I am guilty of bullying him?"

"No. Harry said you didn't do anything wrong but I guess I just -"

"Thought he lied or that he was afraid to tell you the truth because I blackmailed him?" Snape stared into Lupin’s worried face feeling annoyed.

Lupin chose not to answer the question. "Why was he crying then?"

"Ah yes, I know everything about everyone," snapped Snape. "Maybe you should ask Mr. Potter himself."

"I tried, but he didn't want to talk and when I touched him he yelled at me." Lupin buried his head in his hands.

"Well this is not my problem." Snape hoped that his words would make Lupin understand that he was being dismissed.

"But he lived with you for a week. Didn’t you notice anything odd?"
Snape was about to say that he hadn't noticed anything odd, but that would be a lie. However, he didn't want to discuss the matter now. He wanted to continue reading his book so he could find a cure for the unicorn foal.

"Yes," admitted Snape finally. "Of course I don't know him as well as you do," Not that I want to, "but his arms are covered with scars and earlier I saw him sitting alone at the Gryffindor table. I noticed that he has finally learned to control his temper as well."

"Scars?" asked Lupin. He didn't seem to be to interested in the other things Snape had said. "What kind of scars?"

"From cuts."

"Cuts," repeated Lupin.

"Yes, the kind of wounds you get from a knife, glass -"

"Yes I know!" said Lupin annoyed. "I'm not stupid!"

Snape chose to keep his mouth shut.

"Any idea how he got them?"

Snape snorted. "As I said before, I don't know everything about everyone."

"Yes but don't you have an idea?"

"I have," said Snape carefully. His idea wasn't very comforting and he hoped he was wrong. "They could be self-inflicted."

Lupin just stared, which annoyed Snape utterly.
"Self-inflicted?" Lupins voice was a mere whisper. "How?"

"With a knife."

"How do you know?"

"I don't know for sure but I caught Potter playing with a knife a few months ago and when I took it for him but he attempted to steal it from my office."

"Oh Merlin! Why?"

"I'm not going to say it again," sneered Snape.

"We need to find out why," said Lupin determined.

"We? Why do you think I want to get involved in this mess?"

"Severus," Lupin looked him in the eye. "He spent a week with you, don't you think he will talk to you?"

"He won't," assured Snape.

"We can't let him destroy himself."

"For once in my life, I agree with you, wolf," said Snape though he didn't like it.

________________________________________________________

Harry lay on his side on his bed. His back was killing him and he was unable to lie on it. Even the water from the shower he had taken earlier didn't bring any relief. Silently he cursed Mad-Eye. The ex-auror was even worse than Snape.

Harry sighed and closed the curtains of his canopy bed, wanting to be left in peace if someone came into the dorm. Because it was Friday and there were no classes tomorrow, all the sixth years stayed up late, except for Harry who was exhausted. Mad-Eye had pushed him to his limits and the man seemed to have enjoyed it. For a moment Harry had thought to go to Dumbledore and tell him that Mad-Eye had tortured him, but the headmaster had personally chosen Mad-Eye to educate Harry. Harry knew Dumbledore wouldn't let any students suffer unless they deserved it.

Harry knew he deserved the sensation of invisible scorching daggers stabbing i his back because he was a failure. Mad-Eye had thought highly of him and assumed that he was capable of mastering very advanced, complicated and dangerous magic with the proper training. The ex-auror thought that Harry must have some uncommon skill in magic to be able to face He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Named and survive. But when they started the extra lessons, Mad-Eye was enormously disappointed at Harry's skills.
Harry had tried so hard to please the ex-auror but he just wasn't able to master the curse, which Mad-Eye claimed, was a very easy spell, which could be mastered by a third year student. After more than an hour of practice with almost no progress, Mad-Eye had given up teaching the curse. Instead he disarmed Harry when he wasn't paying attention and the only way Harry was going to get his wand back, was by taking it from Mad-Eye himself.

While Harry tried to reach the ex-auror to overpower him and take back his wand, Mad-Eye tried to hit him with a variety of spells. In the beginning Harry managed to dodge most, but after twenty minutes he was getting tired and wasn't able to dodge as quickly. Forty minutes later Harry was lying on the ground after he had been hit by a spell, unable to find the strength to get back up. It was then that Mad-Eye used the curse on him that gave the sensation of a dozen scorching daggers stabbing into his back. Harry had bit on his lip, refusing to scream. Refusing to be weak. When the curse was lifted, his back kept aching. He ignored the pain, took a deep breath and got up again, continuing the exercise while Mad-Eye tried to be very creative with insults. After another half hour Mad-Eye was bored enough to end the lesson, saying that Harry wouldn't manage to survive two minutes without a wand or ten with his wand. Then Mad-Eye left, leaving Harry alone in the classroom.

Harry had never liked the man, but now he hated him. Mad-Eye was cruel and hard and so far, Harry hadn't learned a thing from the extra lessons. The lesson with Snape was horrible, but the one with Moody had been a total nightmare.

Harry yawned and stared at the curtains of his bed. He wanted to sleep, but was afraid to dream, to have those horrible nightmares. Why have they taken my potion away? Don't they want me to sleep? He had trouble concentrating in classes and had a hard time casting spells which had earned him loads of extra work from his concerned professors.Lupin had even asked him several times if everything was okay. If not, Lupin had assured him he would always listen, no matter what bothered Harry.
But Harry knew better than to spit everything out. If his uncle found out he would be punished and if the professors found out what he did to himself...
No. There is no way anyone can find out. They wouldn't understand. They would jusy think I'm weak. If I just could sleep well for just one night... He was sick of being tired all day long and he hated it that he was having so many problems in class. Harry assumed that his lack of sleep and his problems with casting spells was somehow connected. If he could ask Hermione, she would know but they hadn't talked since before the Christmas break.

Hermione occasionally shot him worried looks during classes as if she knew what had happened but she never spoke. Ron ignored him completely. It's better this way, Harry tried to assure himself. I can't get them hurt or worse, killed. He didn't like being alone the whole time, it reminded him of his time before Hogwarts when he wasn't allowed to have friends. Now he couldn't have friends because they would be an easy target for Voldemort. He had endangered his friends many times and twice someone had died: Sirius and Cedric.

Harry tried to swallow the bitterness and sorrow away. Why couldn't he be normal? Just for a little while. He wanted to have someone solve his problems for him, someone who would take care of him when he was ill. Madame Pomfrey took care of him when he was in the hospital wing, but it wasn't the same as how Ron’s mother and father took care of him. Harry would give everything for someone to care for him, to have a family. But he knew that wasn't going to happen. Sirius was gone and he wasn’t coming back. What other hope for a family did he have? He always tried to please his aunt and uncle so they would love him but they would say he wasn’t trying hard enough to be normal. His aunt and uncle said they tried to love him like they loved Dudley, but they couldn't because he wasn't normal. When he was around five years old, he had even begged the Dursleys to love him, to hug him and care for him, but they came up with the same excuse they always did: he wasn't normal so they couldn't love him.

Harry sat down in the empty common room at a table near the fire. The small table was covered with books, parchment and an almost empty bottle of ink. Around 3 o'clock Harry had woken up from a nightmare full of accusing voices of his professors, friends and the people who he had gotten killed: his parents, Sirius and Cedric. Now it was three hours later and he was writing down the conclusion of his Potion essay. It was almost twice as long as required but he still hadn’t managed to include all the information he had found about the most common antidotes, cures and how to brew them. Normally Harry wouldn't put so much effort into his school work, but it took his mind off his problems and worries. He carefully rolled up the parchment that contained his essay and put it in his bag. He still had a lot of work to do: an essay for Charms and Transfiguration and he needed to practise a lot of spells he had learned in the last lessons. He decided to write the Charms essay about spells that conjured elements like water, fire, wind and earth.

After an hour working on his charms essay, Harry heard someone coming down to the common room. He tried to ignore whoever it was and concentrated on the parchment in front of him. The footsteps came closer and still Harry didn't look up.

"Harry," said a familiar voice.

Harry sighed and slowly looked up. Not far from his table stood Hermione with a letter clutched in her hand. Harry nodded curtly and looked back down on his work.

"Why are you up so early?"

"I could ask the same," mumbled Harry without looking up.

"It's my mother's birthday and I'm sending her a letter," explained Hermione. "So I am on my way to the owlery."

"Great," answered Harry.

There was a tense silence between them. The only sounds came from Harry's quill, the rustle of paper when Harry looked something up in a book and the crackling of the fire. Harry wondered why Hermione didn't move, after all she was going to the owlery. After at least five minutes of silence, Hermione spoke again: "Maybe you could accompany me?"

Harry looked up; he was surprised by Hermione's request. They hadn't talked for weeks and now, suddenly she wanted him to keep her company.
"I'm a bit busy," said Harry as he pointed at the books in front of him.

"You look tired Harry. Why don't you take a break?"

"I'm fine."

"You're not," said Hermione, her voice filled with concern. "Hedwig would love to see you."

Harry hadn't seen Hedwig for several weeks, since she had stayed at the castle while he was at the Dursley’s during the winter holidays. Maybe he should go with Hermione and visit Hedwig."Fine." Harry got up, closed his books and tossed them in his back. He didn't miss the small smile that appeared on Hermione's face. They left the common room and walked silently through the deserted castle corridors.

Hermione broke the silence after several minutes. "Are you okay, Harry?"

"I'm great," lied Harry even thought he knew that Hermione wouldn't believe him.

"Of course you are," replied Hermione, rolling her eyes. She knew Harry well enough to know that he was lying. He always said he was fine when he wasn't. "That's why you look so pale and you have enormous bags underneath your eyes."

Harry shot her an angry glare, but decided to stay silent. Whatever Hermione said, he wasn't going to tell her the truth. No one could know how weak he was. If they found out, they would all laugh at him and this picture would be on the first page of the Daily Prophet like last year.

"How was your holiday?" asked Hermione suddenly.

"Fine." It had become Harry's standard answer.

"Mine was great. I went to the Alps with Ron and my parents. Skiing was so much fun! You should have seen Ron, he was really bad at it."

"Sounds like fun." He tried to sound interested, but he failed. Hermione’sparents had taken her on vacation many times and he had only ever been to a small island to escape his Hogwarts letters. Even Ron, whose parents couldn't afford to go on vacation a lot, had taken their children to Egypt. Harry never cared much about trips to foreign countries, but he was jealous nonetheless. He didn't understand why people like Ron were so jealous of him, when he had nothing but false fame. Fame that was pushed upon him. If it was possible, he wouldn't hesitate for a second to exchange his life with Ron’s.

"What did you do during the holidays?" asked Hermione.

Harry had the feeling she was trying to find out what was wrong with him and he knew she wouldn't give up easily. "Not much. The usual stuff."

"And that is?"

"Helping around the house so I wouldn’t be bored the whole time," mumbled Harry, trying not to get annoyed or angry.

"I had this wonderful Christmas dinner." Hermione told in length about the Christmas dinner she had eaten and concluded her story with the expected: "What did you eat?"

Harry hadn't eaten anything on Christmas but chose to lie instead. "Turkey and now stop asking these questions. I know what you're trying to do."

"Harry, I'm concerned."

"Don't," said Harry angry. "I'm old enough to take care of myself."

"Why won't you talk to us?" pleaded Hermione.

"There's nothing to talk about!"

"There is! You're always sitting by yourself, trying to stay away from everyone and you always go to bed early but in the morning, you're always so tired."

Harry had no idea Hermione was watching him so closely. He had to be more careful otherwise there was a big chance she would find out one of his secrets.

"And Professor Lupin is worried as well."

"I said don't!" Harry couldn't control his anger any more. Why did they care? They weren't around when he needed them. No one was and then suddenly they were all over the place. He just wanted to be left alone. He wanted to fall into a dreamless sleep that lasted forever.

"Why won't you let us in? Why won't you let us help you?"

"Because," said Harry, almost yelling. His voice sounded deafening in the still sleeping castle and he was sure he would wake it up but didn't care. "You were never there when I needed you!" For a moment he looked at Hermione who looked like she was going to burst in tears. Then Harry turned around and walked away, longing to be one his own. Longing to make the pain go away.

__________________________________________________________

Normally Lupin didn't sit in his office so early on the weekend, but his body ached too much to sleep after the full moon last night. Planning the upcoming lessons distracted his thoughts from his condition. He was browsing through a very old, thick, leather bound book when someone knocked on the door.

"Come in," said Lupin surprised. It was too early for visitors.

The door opened slowly and Hermione stepped into the office. "Good morning."

"Good morning Hermione, to what do I owe such an early visit." Lupin pointed at the chair in front of his desk, inviting Hermione to sit down.

When Hermione sat, she took a deep breath and started talking. "You know that we, Ron and I, had an argument with Harry, no?"

Lupin nodded. He had a suspicion about what this conversation was about, but he remained silent, allowing the young Gryffindor to tell her story.

"We haven't talked since before the Christmas break and when he came back to stay in the Gryffindor tower we didn't talk either. I don't think he knows that you've told us about what happened," said Hermione seriously. "I kept an eye on him for the last week and he has changed."

"Yes," agreed Lupin. "I noticed it as well." He decided not to tell Hermione about the time had found Harry after his lesson with Professor Snape.

"He is always sitting in the back of the class as if he hopes that no one would notice him. If he doesn't skip dinner he sits at the end of the table all by himself. He always goes to bed early but in the morning he looks very tired and he has a lot of trouble in classes," said Hermione worried. "At the start of the year he acted a bit odd as well but I thought it was because he had to get used to Ron and me being a couple."

"I didn't notice that." Lupin was troubled. Was Hermione right? Did Harry act oddly at the beginning of the year too? He tried to recall, but couldn't think of anything odd.

"Only Ron and I did, I think."

"Have you any idea what might be going on?" asked Lupin.

"At first I thought it might be Sirius but now I don't." Hermione sighed before continuing. "I don't believe the story of the fight."

"I doubt it's true," said Lupin. He was afraid that in some way Harry's condition two days ago and the cuts on his arm were related but chose not to worry Hermione even more.

"Why won't he tell us what really happened? Can't we use Veritaserum on the Dursleys?"
Lupin couldn't help but smile at Hermione's suggestion. It wasn't like her to be so desperate. "I don't think that's a good idea, or not for now. Keep an eye on Harry if you can and I'll try to talk to him."

Hermione nodded. "I really think we need to find out what's going before something bad happens."