"What do you mean?"

"You cheated. Cheating's not allowed when you play games. You ran off and left me here. You escaped this house. I didn't."

"I- I escaped from you, not the house." Harry was shaking his head, backing up and trying to get away from the front door of Grimmuald Place where Sirius stood, staring out at him. The building loomed high above him and seemed like it was coming closer to him even though he was backing away.

"You left me here Harry. I can't get out. It's not fair."

"Just leave!" Harry shouted at his Godfather, but the man only shook his head and looked sad, as if to say he couldn't.

"I didn't do anything unfair!" Harry shouted at him, feeling panicky as the house loomed ever closer, as though it were trying to swallow him. "You're the one that was unfair to me! Why would my parents be dissapointed in me? They wouldn't!" He was angry and the house seemed to shrink back at his anger.

Sirius did too, and as the dream started to fade he said quietly, like a small child who had been scolded would, "They loved me. They would never have left me."

Harry woke from his nightmare, not with a start, but staring straight up at his canopy. He was wide awake, as if he hadn't been sleeping at all. He frowned and gave a sigh. While his father had been gone he'd dreamt of being alone, and before that he'd had nightmares about Sirius beating and tormenting him, telling him what an aweful person he was. Now his nightmares were of a different sort, where he really felt like a bad person. Where he tried to tell himself that he hadn't been grossly unfair, but always woke feeling like he had been. Last night he'd dreamt of the night he'd first found out that Sirius wasn't a real criminal. Sirius had offered for Harry to stay with him, and it had been like a dream come true until that plan had fallen to pieces and Sirius had had to go on the run again. And the night before that he dreamt of the dissapointed look Remus must have wore when he found out they weren't going to go to the Quidditch tournament together.

Harry sighed and rolled over. He looked at his watch. It was only four thirty in the morning. It wasn't nearly time to get up yet, but he wasn't in the mood to go back to sleep. He hadn't really been in the mood for much the last few days.

He climbed out of bed, bare feet meeting the chilly stone floor, and went to sit at his desk chair to put his socks and shoes on. His father was supposed to be released from the Hospital Wing sometime today. Maybe that would change his mood. They'd been doing a lot of talking (to the point that Harry was really tired of it) the last few days since Remus had taken him to see him in the Hospital Wing. It had almost all been about his summer, though the topic had ventured over several times to the dirt (and Harry really didn't want to talk about that). Maybe after today his father wouldn't be so bored and would have better things to do than to talk to him. But then again, maybe not. Remus was still teaching Potions for the next week or so to give the Head of Slytherin house more time to recouperate.

After getting dressed, Harry sat back at his desk and pulled out a piece of parchment. He wanted to write to Sirius that he was not being 'unfair' to him, but knew Sirius wouldn't understand because the events of his dreams hadn't actually happened. Quill poised full of ink and ready to write, Harry put it to the parchment and then pulled it back up again, frowning at the ink blot that now stained the page. He tried again and there was another ink blot. Why was he even trying to write to Sirius anyway? It wasn't like he had anything to say. It wasn't like he wanted a relationship with him again. Harry frowned and then thought, not at all and put the quill back into the inkwell rather harshly, sloshing ink onto the desk and parchment and onto his fingers. He stood up and left the dormitory, thinking of maybe going for a walk as the sun rose. It would be rising in the next half hour.

Down through the quiet castle, Harry wondered if any of the castles other inhabitants were rising yet but thought that they probably weren't becuase it was Saturday. It was eerily quiet, and it was different than being out late at night after curfew. Technically he was still out after curfew because they weren't allowed out of their common rooms until five thirty, but it was 5:01 and he didn't think a professor would scold him for being up early (hopefully).

"Harry?"

Harry spun, surprised. Hadn't he just been thinking about getting caught? At least it was only Remus. He looked like he hadn't had his morning coffee yet.

"I woke up early," Harry said. "I'm not trying to break curfew."

Remus waved him off. "I didn't think you were."

"I was going to go for a walk." Some of the snow had melted off recently and the grass was starting to poke through. It wasn't quite spring, but Harry thought it was a good time to go out.

"I was just on my way down to the Great Hall for an early tea. Would you mind some company?"

Harry shook his head, hands in his pockets, and they went down to the Entrance Hall together. Harry went with Remus to the Great Hall, where Remus conjured two insulated mugs with lids and poured steaming hot tea into them.

"Are we going anywhere in particular?" Remus asked as they headed out the front doors.

"No, just around. Maybe the lake."

"It looks like it will be a good sunrise this morning. It's been awhile since I've seen a good one."

"Yeah." Harry hadn't brought his gloves, so he kept his hands buried deep in his warm coat pockets as they walked in silence towards the lake.

"How have you been?" Remus asked.

"Good." Well, better than when his father was missing. He hadn't had a panic attack in four days now. He felt kind of... deflated. Almost like he'd been on a long emotional roller coaster and now that it was over all the excitement was gone and there was just nothing. Not that everything that had happened was exciting... more taxing. Dreams still fresh on his mind, Harry suddenly blurted out, "Am I being unfair to Sirius?"

"Unfair? What made you think to ask that?"

"My dad says I'm being unfair sending him mean letters and saying not to write back."

"Hm."

"And-"

"And what?"

"I keep dreaming about Sirius being stuck in that house by himself. Like... I got out and he's still stuck there. Like it's not fair."

"Harry, you did what you had to, so did Draco. You going to a place where you felt safe was not being unfair. Sirius is a man and he can leave if he wants to. He does keep himself locked in his room a lot, but he also leaves the house often and disappears frequently not to be seen for days."

"Out looking for Professor Snape."

"Yes. Do you feel like you're being unfair to him? Other than leaving Grimmuald Place?"

Harry shrugged. "My dad has always hated him. Now all the sudden he's saying I'm being unfair to him. Like... like I should just forgive him already and get it over with."

"He said that?"

"Something like it. It doesn't make any sense. All the sudden he's on Sirius' side."

"Sirius saved his life. Not for your father Harry, but for you."

"You're not making me feel any better."

"Do you want me to? Or do you want to hear the truth?"

Harry gave him a thoughtful frown. "The truth."

"What Sirius did to you wasn't right. He knows it wasn't right. He feels bad about it, and I'll wager that as much as you struggled with this, he also struggled with it. He doesn't believe you'll forgive him, but he is trying to make ammends anyway, in his own way. The letters you send, which are only angry letters from what I can gather, make him feel like he needs to do more. So he went out looking for Severus."

"So you think I should forgive him too? Just forget everything that happened to me and Draco? Just go and pick up where we left off before this summer?"

They stopped walking, the absence of the sound of their feet crunching in the snow creating absolute silence.

"Harry, that's not for me to decide. I still don't know what he did to you aside from the black eye. He hasn't said and neither have you. The only thing I know for certain, is that until you're seventeen and an adult, I don't think it's a good idea for you to go and live with him again, and even then I would think you have a place with Severus."

"So- I shouldn't forgive him?"

"I didn't say that either."

They continued walking and drinking their tea, which worked wonders to warm them up in the cold.

"It was bad. You don't know what it was like there."

Remus looked at him for a moment but didn't respond, and after another twenty feet, Harry started talking again of his own accord. "After Draco took my broom and left... that night I mean, Sirius was mad. He said I would have been nothing but a dissapointment to my parents. He said it like he was disgusted with me... like I was evil. And he hit me in the face. He took my wand and threw it into the hall and then pushed me down. He had his boots on and he kicked me until I cried. Then- then he kicked me more."

"I had no idea," Remus said.

"I was trapped. Draco got away but I was stuck there. Every time I left my room, Sirius was there watching me. I had broken ribs and I was bruised all over. And then Professor Snape came looking for Draco, and he didn't believe me. He thought I'd gotten into a fight with Draco or something. But I made him take me. And he didn't heal me, he just dragged me around the country looking for Draco. It wasn't until I passed out after we found Draco that he finally healed me. He wanted nothing to do with me." Harry's bottom lip trembled and he couldn't help it. He hadn't thought about how Snape had seemed disgusted with him for a long time. And then, when they'd first found Draco and gone back to the castle, Harry hadn't known Snape was his father. Thinking about it now, in the context of Snape being his father made it suddenly hurt like a fresh wound.

"Harry," Remus stopped and put a hand on Harry's shoulder. "I wish I could have been there for you this summer."

Harry shook his head and looked away, jaw set in a hard line. "It doesn't matter. It's nothing new."

"Look at me cub."

Harry turned and met his eyes.

"It does matter, and so do you."

"This has been my whole life Remus. Everywhere I go." He whispered the last part.

"And you have a hard time believing things have changed?"

Harry nodded.

"I used to be like that."

"What do you mean?"

"Before Hogwarts I was shunned because of my condition. My community wanted nothing to do with me. My brothers and cousins weren't allowed to play with me, my grandparents wouldn't send me presents at Christmas, and at family gatherings I wasn't allowed to be in the same room with anyone, all because I was too 'dangerous'. I was totally isolated and people treated me like dirt. It wasn't until I came to Hogwarts that things changed. The Headmaster hid my lycanthropy and for the first time since I was five years old, I was allowed to have friends. But for the first few years, I still acted like I was alone because it's what I was used to. I still expected people to treat me like I was dirt, or to ignore me. It took time to really sink in that things were different."

"But-"

"What?"

"People still treat you bad. You had to leave when people found out you were teaching at Hogwarts. And you can't find a job other places and-"

"And those are the things that don't matter anymore," Remus said with a warm smile, "because I have friends like you, and Albus, Minerva, and Sirius. People who I know for a fact care about what happens to me. And when I remember that, everything else seems to fade away."

"Sirius- I don't think he cares about me. He wouldn't have hurt me like that if he did."

"He made a mistake. A bad one, and to be honest, if I were you, I don't know if I could forgive him for what he did. It was inexcusable. Believe me when I say I'm beyond angry on your behalf at what he did. What I do know though, is that we do the best we can after we make mistakes, and I believe he is doing the best he can. Are you doing the best you can?"

"Me?" Harry got a panicked and hurt look in his eyes as his mind flitted back to the old fear that he could have done something to prevent all that had happened.

"Haven't you made mistakes this year Harry? I don't mean at Grimmuald Place."

Harry ran a hand through his hair. The caffeine pills, the asphodel, being a jerk and lying to Ron, being a bad son and not going to see his father after he'd been brought back to the castle...

"I- I don't know."

"Are you who you want to be?"

"No. Not yet."

"Not yet. That's the key. I've seen you trying Harry. I've seen you trying to do well. To make ammends for what you've done and to keep yourself on the right path."

"But I just messed it up again. I went out for the asphodel."

"We all make mistakes Harry. Nobody's perfect. We're all mortal. All we can do is try."

They turned back towards the castle because it was nearing six o'clock and people would be heading for breakfast in half an hour and it would take them at least forty minutes to trudge back up through the snow.

"Remus?"

"Yes cub?"

"I'm glad you're here." Harry flashed him a quick grin and Remus reached out and pulled him close to him, tousling his hair.

"I'm your second godfather remember? Where else would I be?"

* * *

Harry almost felt at peace after his talk with Remus. He went up to the Hospital Wing after breakfast to see what time Madam Pomfrey was going to let his father go, but ended up meeting him on the way there.

"She let you out?"

"Barely. She has given me strict orders that I do not intend on following."

"Like?"

"Staying in bed and out of the classroom."

"Remus said he has your class for the next two weeks."

"Not if I have anything to say about it."

"You want him to leave?" Harry really liked having Remus around and didn't want him to leave just yet.

"I want to go back to some form of normality. If I spend one more day in bed I will lose my mind."

"It's not so bad," Harry teased, flashing him a grin because he still felt in a fair mood after his early morning walk with Remus.

Severus gave him a sideways look and then shook his head. By the time they got down to the Dungeons however, Severus wasn't feeling as strong as he had in the Hospital Wing. He sat down heavily on the couch and closed his eyes.

"Are you ok?"

"I am more tired than I thought," Severus said, not sure whether to be touched or irritated with the concern he detected in his son's voice.

"What's your magical core at?"

"Eighty Five percent. Poppy said it may be another month until it's at one hundred again. Apparently I am the first person she has seen in her career to have a magical core so severely depleted."

"How low was it?"

"Five percent."

Harry knew from one of his first year classes that if a wizard's magical core ever got to zero they would likely die, and if they didn't they would be a squib forever after that moment. There was a theory that if a mother got injured while pregnant that her body would draw from her baby's magical core to keep herself and her child alive, and the baby would be born a squib.

"What are you thinking about?" Severus asked at the intense look on Harry's face.

Harry looked up. "Your death."

"I did not die, nor did I come close to it."

"It's not fair to lie," Harry said, walking past him and into the kitchen. Harry wasn't sure if Madam Pomfrey had given his father breakfast and thought that he'd probably like something to eat. Harry tapped the kitchen table with his wand and a plate of food appeared. A handy trick he'd learned from his father. Apparently all staff quarters were linked to the kitchens. He went to the counter to heat water for tea and was aware that his father had come to lean weakly against the doorframe in the kitchen.

"I did not mean to lie to you. I apologize."

"Ok," Harry said, using his wand to heat the water in the tea kettle.

"What are your plans for today?"

"I have Quidditch practice at five and Ron wanted to do something at four."

"Would you like to play chess?"

"After you eat breakfast," Harry said, bringing the tea kettle to the table. His father sat down and he went to his room to get a book to read. When his father was done, Harry went back to the living room to set up the chess set on the coffee table, and watched as his father slowly made his way into the room to sit on the couch.

"You look tired. Are you sure you don't want to nap?"

Severus shot him a look. "I am certain." They began to play, and after a few minutes Severus said, "I did not expect you would be up so early on a Saturday."

"I was out on the grounds with Remus."

"Doing?"

"Walking. Drinking tea."

"Hm."

"You really don't like him being here, do you?"

"I did not say that."

"But you act like it," Harry said, moving one of his pawns forward and taking one of Severus' rooks. "And it doesn't make any sense because he's always been nice and Sirius hasn't been, and you act like I should just forgive Sirius and make nice with him."

Sensing the rising tension in his son's voice, Severus decided to tread carefully with how he said his next words. "I believe you should forgive him because without doing so you will continue to hold on to feelings that will only do you harm in the end."

"Remus said he didn't know if he would forgive Sirius if he were me."

"Did he."

Harry looked up at the clearly irritated comment.

"I didn't mean it like it sounded," Harry said. "That wasn't all he said." Harry was feeling irritated now himself. How could he possibly convey the entire meaningful conversation he'd had with Remus that morning and how it had left him feeling at peace. He couldnt, and in truth he didn't really want to. "I just don't understand why you dislike him so much."

"I am trying to help you deal with things, and he is hindering my efforts."

"No he isn't!" Harry said, voice raised slightly. "He makes me feel better."

"By telling you not to forgive your Godfather?"

"Sirius isn't my Godfather anymore," Harry said, and there was such finality in his tone that Severus raised his brows.

"I am surprised to hear you say that. Not that I am pleased or displeased with the decision."

"Why?"

"With how few people you get close to, I am surprised that you would cut one out of your life."

"I don't need him."

"Perhaps not, but it is still- interesting."

Harry shot him a look. He got the feeling his father was about to launch into one of his recent 'talking' sessions that would lead back to the same topics of the panic attacks, the PTSD, and the dirt. Harry didn't want to go there.

"I'm not going to talk about it."

"You don't feel like you need your Godfather, or you don't think you need anyone at all?"

"I have a Godfather. His name is Remus. And I have a father, who is ignoring the fact that I just said I'm not going to talk about it."

"Remus is not your Godfather."

"Well he should be!" Harry set his knight down rather hard and stood up.

"You cannot simply choose something like that," Severus said.

Harry spun around. He had been headed for the door. "Yes I can! James and Lily didn't seem to make very good decisions on my behalf appointing Sirius as my Godfather. So I'm calling the shots now. Remus is the only adult in this castle who has never been bad to me, not even once. He's always been there for me. He was there for me this morning, he was there for me when you were missing, he was there for me when you were in the Hospital Wing, he was there for me in my third year... so don't be upset that I have an adult who is always on my side just because you don't like him. That's not fair to try to take that away from me!" Harry hurried to the door, ignoring his father's shout for him to come back, and slammed it on his way out. He took two steps down the corridor and was surprised when he almost ran into Draco.

"What's going on?" Draco asked.

"He's in a foul mood, I wouldn't go in there right now."

"You look in a foul mood yourself."

"I am," Harry snarked, and continued past his friend.

Harry ignored Hermione when he passed her in the Entrance Hall a few minutes later and ignored Ron on the next floor up when he asked what was wrong. He didn't want to deal with anyone right now or explain to them that his father was a total jerk. He was on the third floor when someone finally managed to stop him.

"Harry-"

Harry passed Remus without even looking at him. The more he stormed around the less angry and more hurt he felt and he didn't want to stop and talk about it now. But Remus hurried down the corridor behind him and then reached out and grabbed Harry's arm gently to stop him. Harry stopped without a fight.

"Harry, what's wrong?" Concern was written all over Remus' face and Harry knew why. He was close to tears and he looked away so that the man he wished were his Godfather wouldn't see any that escaped his eyes.

"Come in here," Remus said, and Harry followed him a few paces back down the corridor to Remus' quarters and inside. He hadn't been inside these quarters yet. They were much smaller than his father's. Only one large room with a bed, wardrobe, desk, small couch and coffee table, and a door that he thought might lead to a bathroom. Maybe only Heads of House got large lavish quarters.

Harry sat on the couch without being invited to do so and Remus pulled over the desk chair to sit across from him.

"What's going on? It wasn't that long ago that I left you in the Great Hall with a smile on your face."

"I might have just yelled at my dad... a lot."

"He's out of the Hospital Wing?"

Harry nodded.

"He doesn't listen to me," Harry said without being prompted. "He won't leave me alone."

"I don't understand."

"He wants to keep talking about the same things over and over that I don't want to talk about anymore. About forgiving Sirius and the dirt and other things." Harry had yet to mention to Remus the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder thing... Harry sort of felt less like a man to have something like that. Though if he were honest with himself, he didn't feel like a man at all for having yelled at his father and then running off in a childish fit of rage, or for taking the dirt or a number of other things.

"And he tried to talk to you about that just now?"

Harry nodded, and then said, "And he doesn't like you. I don't even know why," he finished, feeling depressed, like nothing ever worked out for him.

"You know he was at odds with James and Sirius during school."

"I know. But why does he have to hate you?"

"He's never told you about the incident?"

"What incident?"

"We were third years and it was before James and Sirius and Peter had figured out how to transform.  James and Sirius played a prank on Severus. It was the full moon and I was out in the Shrieking Shack, fully transformed, and they had lured Severus out there. He went inside and I almost killed him."

"I- I didn't know."

"No. James realized their mistake and saved him at the last moment. But that incident cemented Severus' dislike for myself, and anyone else associated with James and Sirius.

Harry was holding his arm with his other hand and looking embarassed, and Remus didn't fail to notice. "What is it?"

"Before I came up here, we were having a fight. I said Sirius wasn't my Godfather anymore and he wanted to talk about it. I said you were my Godfather now and he got mad. He said I couldn't do that and I said I could because you're the only adult in the castle that's never been bad to me, not even once."

"Ah. And you didn't realize the history between us when you'd said that."

"I sort of ran out of the room after that. I knew he couldn't follow me because he's so weak. He's probably still sitting there on the couch."

"Do you want to go back down there?"

"NO."

Remus chuckled and Harry wasn't sure why. "Maybe you should," he said. "I think it's the right thing to do."

"I don't want to go back and fight again. Besides, I think Draco is in there now. He was on his way in when I came out."

Remus nodded. "I don't have anything to do for the rest of the morning if you want to stick around."

"Are you sure?"

Remus nodded. "Of course. And I have some news no one else has heard yet." Harry looked interested, and Remus said, "Timothy Fain is not going to be able to finish out the year as Defense Professor. He's had a family emergency and he's put in his two weeks notice. As soon as your father is able to get back into the classroom again, I'll be taking over in Defense."

"Really?" Harry was excited. He couldn't wait to tell his friends.

"Yes."

Remus didn't try to get Harry to talk about anything for the rest of the morning (for which Harry was grateful). Instead they talked about what Remus was going to teach in Defense and the possibility of him staying on for the next year. Harry told Remus about defensive spells he wanted to learn and Remus listened, even writing a few of them down. Harry left for lunch, and met his friends in the Great Hall.

"What's going on?" Ron asked when Harry sat down. "Hermione said you brushed her off this morning too."

"I was mad at my dad. We had a fight. I ended up going to see Remus."

"Say something next time," Hermione said. "The way you were storming up through the castle made us wonder if Voldemort was coming or something."

"Or if Voldemort had insulted you," Ron said with a small laugh.

Harry laughed too. "Guess what. Remus is going to teach defense."

They talked about Remus' new job for the rest of lunch and Harry took note that Draco wasn't in the Great Hall as they left to do some homework before Quidditch practice.

Draco still wasn't at dinner that evening, and neither was Professor Snape, although Harry didn't expect him to be with how weak he was. Harry almost thought about going down to the Dungeons to see if he was all right, but just as dinner ended, a familiar black owl swooped down from the rafters and dropped a note into Harry's lap. It was from his father.

'Please come back down to my rooms so we can talk.'

Harry stuffed the note into his pocket, not caring if he crumpled it.

"What's that about?" Ron asked.

"My dad asking me to go back to his quarters so he can be a jerk to me again," Harry said.

"I take it you're not going?" Ginny said.

"No."

Up in Gryffindor tower, Harry went to his dormitory to gather homework to take back to the common room. He was feeling in a sour mood again, but didn't know what to do about it. As he picked up his Charm's book, he spied the blotched paper from early that morning. The letter that he had tried to write to Sirius. He sat down and uncorked the ink bottle, anger from his fight that morning and the note at dinner flooding back over him.

'My father says I have PTSD. He won't leave me alone about it. All he wants to do is talk. All I want him to do is leave me alone. I'm fine. You're fine. Everybody's fine!'

Weren't they?