“You’re being a girl,” muttered Severus as James poured over the selection of bright diamond rings.

“You’re lucky I’m taking this seriously, or you’d have bought that ghastly pear-shaped one a few stores back,” muttered James carefully examining a huge, obscenely expensive ring.

“What about the princess cut?” asked a harried salesgirl who had pulled out nearly every ring in the store. She flicked her wand at it and it wound in circles around the air. “2 carats, platinum-setting…” James scrunched his nose in distaste, and Severus shook his head as well.

“I think I need to think about it,” Severus said. The poor young witch forced on a bright smile and nodded.

“Of course,” she said. Severus gave her an apologetic smile, muttered a few words of thanks and headed out of the door.

“Well, I am fairly certain that’s every diamond in the London,” said James cheerfully. “To Paris?” Severus couldn't tell if the man was being serious or not and let out a little groan.

“Oh come now, it’s meant to be hard,” James said clapping him on the back. “Have you thought about how you’re going to propose?”

A knot tightened in Severus’ stomach. Committing to Pauline wasn’t the problem. He always fell fast and hard and from the first time they kissed he knew he was hers forever. The problem was that he now had to ask her to be his. He could not possibly fathom how a woman could commit to him for the rest of her life, especially a woman as wonderful as Pauline.

“One problem at a time, Potter,” muttered Severus before exploding. “How hard is it to find a damn ring?”

“Maybe if you actually said what you wanted,” James said patiently.

“Timeless,” Severus said. “and perfect.”

“Well, with perfect being in the criteria, we shouldn’t have too much trouble,” James teased. “What about your Mother’s ring?” Severus scoffed.

“Ok, bad idea,” conceded James. “Come on, you must have a vision.” Severus was quiet for a moment.

“The old-fashioned claw holding the diamond,” he muttered, feeling a little embarrassed. James looked thoughtful for a moment, then smiled. He grabbed Severus arm, and before he could resist they had apparated back to the Potter’s house.

Potter disappeared up the stairs for a moment, then reappeared holding a small, battered blue box. He opened it and passed it to Severus. A large, square diamond sat delicately in a claw in the centre of a platinum ring, the type of detail-work that only could be accomplished by Goblins surrounded the band. It was gorgeous.

“Perfect, right?” James asked with a smile. Severus peeled his eyes away from the ring to look at James’ bright face.

“It’s my Great-Grandmother’s, goblin-made,” James said. Goblin-made engagement rings were exceedingly rare now, the creatures took it as a point of personal pride not to make Wizard ‘trinkets’. The ring would be worth a fortune.

“You wouldn’t mind me getting a jeweller to copy it?” asked Severus, running a finger over the engraving.

“Why get a copy, when you can have the original?” James said. Severus blinked at the man in disbelief, then laughed.

“Potter, I can’t accept that, this - this is a -” he sputtered not bing able to find the words, and placed the ring on the table.

“A family heirloom,” James said firmly. “It’s for family.” He took the ring and placed it back into Severus’ hand.

“Potter, I appreciate this. I do, really. But you should save that for Harry or Millie or your other children,” Severus said.

“They have lots of other stuff,” said James, his smile turned a little sad. “My parents were wonderful, really wonderful. I mean I was their whole world. They completely doted on me. Especially my father, anything I wanted I could get from him with a smile and a kiss. That’s the great part of being an only child.”

James’ parent’s were never a topic of casual conversation in the Potter house. All Severus knew was that they died within a week of one another when James was eighteen, and that the second week of April James was irritable and morose. The scars clearly ran deep, and Severus didn't really know what to say.

“The downside, of course, is that when your parents die, you’re all alone,” James continued softly. “So I have all this wonderful Potter family stuff, and I want to share it with my family. They would want me to share it with my family.”

Severus looked back down at the ring, then at Potter’s reassuring smile.

“Are you absolutely certain?” he asked quietly. James’ lips quirked into the beginning of a smile and he nodded.

“Though if you prefer, I also have a bunch of Black family heirlooms up in my attic,” said James with a laugh. “I’m sure you could find a nice wedding ring in there, but it might bite off Polly’s finger or something.” Severus laughed, and shook his head.

“No, this is perfect,” said Severus genuinely. “But look, you have to at least let me pay you for it.” James rolled his eyes.

“The point of an heirloom, Sev, is to pass it down, from generation-to-generation,” said James as though he was talking to someone very slow. Severus opened his mouth to protest but James cut him off.

“Buying it cheapens it, Sev,” he said seriously, and that was not something Severus could argue with. “It’s about family legacy.”

“Thank you, James, really,” Severus said softly after a moment, putting the ring in his pocket. “This means a great deal.” It was the closest to a declaration of love or affection that Severus could get.

“It’s not a problem at all. I’m happy to do it. Now, considering I just saved you a few thousand Galleons, I think you should buy me a beer,” James said with a grin, clapping Severus on the back.

Now that he had the ring, he had to figure out how to propose. He was desperately trying to find the line between meaningful and over-the-top. Romance was not his forte. James, Remus and Lily weren’t much help. James had proposed to Lily while bleeding out after a Deatheater attack, something which may work for nineteen year-olds, but seemed a little melodramatic now. Everything Remus came up with involved scented candles and poetry, and Lily’s suggestion “give her the bloody ring and ask” seemed a little cold.

“Just speak from the heart, dear,”  Molly had said kindly when he asked for her advice. “You’re a great man, you don’t need to do any more than that.”

So Severus decided to just wait for the right time to speak from his heart. He and Polly had dinner plans with the Potter’s, and the entire night the ring weighed down his pocket like a stone dragging him down to the ocean. He saw the sun starting to set over the flower garden, and decided that the moment they finished eating, he’d take her down there and propose.

He was mentally going over his speech when there was a sharp rap at the door. Gideon, the same prosecutor who had gone after Peter and whom Lily worked so closely with, was standing at the door. Two Aurors stood beside him. The moment she saw them, Lily stood up in concern.

“Gideon? Is everything alright?” she asked.  Gideon’s intense stare met Severus’ eyes, and a swell of anxiety cursed through him.

“I’m afraid not,” he said softly. “I’m sorry to intrude on your dinner, but I have an arrest warrant for Severus Snape.” Everyone at the table turned to look at Severus, who just stared at Gideon in blank confusion.

“Pardon?” James said, saying what everyone was thinking. Gideon took a step towards Severus.

“Severus Snape you are under arrest for crimes against Muggleborns and Muggles,” Gideon said.  Lily looked enraged, and James was still looking around as though he expected a Muggle TV crew to come in and say it was all a joke. Severus’ eyes went to Polly, her face was completely bloodless, but behind the shock in her pretty eyes he could see hurt and accusation.

“Gideon you can’t be serious,” Lily said in a quiet whisper, her eyes shifting nervously towards Severus. He looked away from her to focus on the table.

“I’m afraid I am.”

“Surely you can’t forget all he’s done for our side,” James continued in a low voice.

“All the evidence will be considered at trial of course,” said Gideon reaching around for Severus’ arm. Lily’s lips pursed as she stared at Gideon, then realizing she wasn’t going to get any further, she grabbed her coat.

“Fine. I’ll meet you at Azkaban. I want to see the specific charges” said Lily tersely, her lawyer-mode fully engaged. Gideon nodded his assent, and Lily turned to Severus.

“Sev,” Lily said softly. Everything was an odd sort of numb. His lips felt fuzzy. It had been completely insane to think that those years as Deatheaters would not have caught up with him.

“Sev, honey,” Lily said, touching his arm. Still in a daze he raised his eyes to meet hers. She gave him a small, encouraging smile. “It’s going to be fine. Don’t say anything until I get there, ok?” He gave a small nod in response, not quite able to hold Lily’s gaze and slowly placed his arms behind his back.

“You have the right to speak to -”

“Uncle Sev?” spun around towards Harry’s voice. The little boy was standing in the doorway watching him curiously in his pyjamas. All the adults just blinked at him for a moment.

“What’s wrong?” he asked softly, walking further into the room. The hand that was holding Severus’ arm behind his back released, and Severus let out a breath of thanks.

“Nothing’s wrong, monkey,” Severus said, forcing a smile and kneeling down to be in the toddler’s eye-line. Harry could sense the anxiety in the room, and wrapped his arms around Severus’ neck, casting wary looks at the unknown Aurors standing around the room.

“What are you doing out of bed?” asked Severus gently as he got to his feet with the boy on his hip.

“There’s a monster under my bed. The floorboards keep creaking,” said Harry as he laid his head on Severus’ shoulder.

“There are no monsters, lovey,” said Severus kissing the boy on the temple.

“Will you come check?” the boy asked in a whisper. Severus quickly looked at James who wiped the look of concern of his face and stepped forward to take Harry.

“Come on, love, I’ll check,” James said. Severus handed the little boy over, feeling suddenly cold and empty without the warm weight in his arms. James’ eyes connected with Severus’ for a moment then he disappeared through the kitchen doorway up the stairs.

Gideon grabbed his wrists against and a gold cord sprang around them. A hand firmly gripped his shoulder and a moment later he was sucked up out of the Potter’s living room across the roaring ocean to Azkaban.

He was put all alone in a solitary cell. All he could see out the window was the ocean licking the sides of the brick building. He had never felt so insignificant, so worthless. He remembered how broken his soul had felt before the Potters, and he felt it shatter all over again. This time he was sure there would be no one to bind it for him.

Gideon had informed him of the atrocities he was accused of. The murder of a muggle family he had participated in, the torture of multiple Aurors and previous members of the Order, supplying devastating potions that undoubtedly killed more. One of the people his potions had been used to kill with Fabian Prewett. Molly had always been so kind to him, and he’d never be able to look at her in the face again.

The thought of Lily and James made his stomach roll. They may have been accepting of a lot, but now that his crimes were laid bare, crimes against people that they knew, were friends with, there was no way they could forgive him for that.

He wondered what they told Harry and Amelia, if he’d ever see them again. Thinking of the babies growing up, barely remembering him, and then only as a murdering Deatheater extinguished the last light in his soul and he leaned against the wall of his cell, and sobbed.

“Your lawyer is here,” rasped one of the guards early the next morning. He was one of only three wizards who worked on Azkaban, and although he was black, there was something ghostly about him, like the Dementors had sucked the colour and life from his soul and his skin.

“I don’t have a lawyer,” whispered Severus.

“Yeah you do, pretty redhead,” Severus jerked his head up and looked at the guard. He nodded and followed the man to a small mildewy room with a single desk. Lily was sitting at the desk studying the contents of a thick manilla folder.

The moment he walked in she stood up, ran over to him and hugged him tightly. He was so surprised he just stood still.

“How are you doing, sweetheart?” she asked, pulling back to examine his face. He didn’t know how to respond to that, so he just looked down.

“Come, I brought you lunch. James made you chilli, and Pauline put in some cupcakes,” said Lily brightly.

“No outside food,” said the guard.

“Oh Roy, I brought you some chilli and cupcakes too,” she said with a little wink. Roy grunted but took the lunch without further comment. Somehow the spread of food in front of Severus made him want to puke and cry and scream all at the same time.
 
“You shouldn’t be here,” Severus whispered, looking at her large belly, Dementors could not be good for the baby.

“Don’t worry about me. I’m fine,” Lily said gently. “How are you?” she asked again, reaching over and touching his hand. It felt wrong somehow, her touching him. He felt like he was going to destroy her and her perfect, little baby and everything else he touched.

“Honey, I wish you’d talk to me,” she said gently after a few moments of his silence. He didn’t respond, not out of petulance, but because he couldn’t imagine what he could possibly say, or if he wanted to say anything. He just wanted to die of shame and grief and the awful unsettling feeling that came from Lily still sitting beside him.

“Alright, if you won’t talk, at least eat something, ok” she pressed, pushing the food towards him. “I know this is hard, but Gideon is not as unreasonable as he seems sometimes. I’m certain we can work out a deal, and I’m going to be right here for everything, alright? You’re not alone.” Somehow, that made everything feel worse.

“You think I want you knowing all this?” Severus spat bitterly, motioning to the large folder containing God knows what. “Why are you even here? I don’t need a lawyer. Just let Dementor’s kiss me and be done with it.”

“Over my dead body,” Lily said, giving him a stare so fierce that he actually sat back in his chair. “Don’t think for a moment I forgot what you did for me. You saved Harry’s life. I saw Bellatrix’s wand coming through the air and there was nothing, not a thing I could do for him. I thought he was going to die. And you saved him.” Lily said tears in her eyes. She brushed them away as if embarrassed by her own weakness, then turned her hard eyes back to him.

“If anyone wants to cause you any pain, they have to go through me, and I assure you that is no easy feat,” she said. “Now, you pull it together, right now.”

“Just because I saved Harry, doesn’t mean I’m not a monster,” Severus said, trying unsuccessfully to keep his voice from cracking. Her eyes softened slightly.

“Sev, I’ve seen case-after-case of this shit. You know what stands out in your file to me? No rape, no dead kids, and considering your years as a Deatheater, very few murders, especially for sport. Voldemort kept you in the background, brewing, planning. He knew you didn’t have an appetite for violence, and didn’t want to push you.” With a sigh she reached across the table to move the bangs off of his forehead. It amazed Severus sometimes, how quickly Lily was able to transition from fierce to gentle.

“You were never a monster, sweetheart.” she said softly. “You made some mistakes, and people got hurt. You also were in a lot of pain, and you changed your life at great risk to your own. That means something, Sev.”

“Not to the families of the people I killed,” whispered Severus. Lily ran a hand through her hair and nodded.

“That’s probably true,” she conceded. “Some people will not be able to understand, or forgive…but James, Remus, Dumbledore, Pauline, me, we know your heart. We love you, and we understand.”

He wasn’t sure if the words were increasing the pain in his chest, or lessening them, but he couldn’t stop replaying them in his head. He gave a brief nod.

“Now, let me do my job. Let’s start at the beginning,” Lily said, turning back to the file. They combed through every horrid thing he ever did in excruciating detail. Lily’s matter-of-fact business like tone kept him from drowning in despair. The only time she showed emotion was when he described the Dark Mark being seared into his skin. She rested her hand on his tattooed forearm, somehow the contact made him able to continue speaking. Hours later, she stood up and smiled at him.

“You try and get some rest, ok?” she whispered, cupping his face and running her thumb along the cheek. “Harry misses you, you know? He wants you to teach him how to make a potion.” Severus smiled briefly. She hugged him, and then Roy was escorting him back to his cell.

He spent the next days in there with the Dementors circling overhead, pulling out buried negative thoughts, every time he had ever felt sad or lonely. He couldn’t cast a Patronus without a wand, but when the darkness got unbearable, he focused on other words.

“If anyone wants to cause you any pain, they’re going to have to go through me,” Lily said with surprising fierceness.

“Love you,” said Harry sweetly, kissing him on the cheek.

Pain tore through Severus’ stomach, and the hand that he was grabbing desperately clutched back with with equal strength:“I’m here. I won’t go,” James promised.

“They like to be held close,” said James "Right to your chest.” Severus looked at James skeptically but drew the bundle in tighter. Amelia blinked at him, then stopped fussing.

“I came as soon as I heard,” Remus said after Severus’ Dad had died, not quite understanding why Severus was surprised to see him.

“Though I can only definitively speak for myself, I assume everyone is here because they love you,” explained Dumbledore patiently as Severus looked around, confused that so many people had shown up at Tobias’ funeral.

The thoughts were nearly as strong and warm as his Patronus, and he clung to them like a security blanket.

The trial was painful and humiliating. Gideon was a smart, talented lawyer. Even Severus could appreciate that as he dully sat at the defence bench with Lily. Everything bad thing he had ever done, every mistake, all of it was laid bare in front of the entire wizarding community. Dumbledore was there, Minerva, Remus, even Arthur and Molly, who dabbed at her eye with a handkerchief the entire time. The only blessing was that James was home with the children, and didn’t have to hear about the Muggles Severus watched die, or killed, or tortured.

Lily herself was incredible. In all these years, Severus had never seen her in Court, but she was confident and smart and carefully cut through every argument Gideon made with a razor blade. Somehow she made Severus sound kind, smart, and compassionate, he didn’t even believe half the stuff she said to the Court. But no lawyer was good enough to erase what he had done.

Gideon ended up only seeking 30 days, which was more than fair even though Lily argued for community work. The judge ended up siding with Gideon, and when the verdict went down, James and Remus were both in the courtroom, looking more distraught than Severus felt.

“You can have a moment to say your goodbyes,” Gideon said. Two dementors waited in the back of the courtroom, filling the room with a deep coldness. James and Remus hugged him in turn.

“30 days. That’s alright. You’re going to be ok,” James muttered reassuringly as he patted him on the back.

“We’ll be right here when you get out,” Remus added, clapping him on the shoulder.

The 30 days in Azkaban was not as bad as it could have been. Gideon seemed to have some belief that Severus wasn’t a truly awful man, and had made sure to stick him in the lower levels of Azkaban, where the Dementor activity was limited. He was bored and a little depressed but mostly alright.

Still, when he got out Remus, James, Pauline, Lily and the kids were waiting at the Ministry as they promised, and Harry and Amelia both charged at him with shrieks of glee he realized how much he truly missed them, how lonely he had been. With uncharacteristic excitement, he swept both kids up into his arms, the cold despair the dementors had given him vanishing as he kissed their little foreheads.

“How are my little monkeys?” he asked as he carried them both in either arm.

“We’re having a party,” Harry said excitedly. Severus glared at James who gave a broad smile in return.

The party was almost all people Severus liked. Molly, instead of being repulsed by him, was one of the first people to hug him, and Dumbledore provided a steady feeling Severus hadn’t realized he was missing. Still, there was someone who deserved his thanks and recognition more than anyone.

He found Lily cutting up cake in the kitchen, mercifully alone.

“Drink?” he asked hopefully. She smirked and pointed at her bulging stomach.

“Right,” he said shaking his head at his stupidity as he poured himself a glass of wine.

“I never thanked you,” Severus said pouring a glass of water for her.

“You don’t have to thank me. That’s what family is for,” she said, squeezing his hand. He swallowed a ball of emotion and nodded.

“Are you doing ok? I know it’s rough in there,” she said, leaning against the counter. The cold dread that had followed him around since Azkaban was gone. No one looked at him with disgust. He had friends, a great girlfriend. He smiled.

“I’m fine, really,” he replied. Lily was about to say something when Harry flew into the kitchen.

“Mamma, Mamma, I’m gonna fly,” Harry yelped with excitement. Lily was too pregnant to pick him up but she crouched down and smiled at the toddler.

“Alright love, you tell Daddy to be careful with your precious self,” replied Lily ruffling his already messy hair.

“Polly’s on the balcony,” she said as she summoned Harry’s cloak and wrapped it tightly around his shoulders. “I’m sure she wants to see you.”

“Hey,” Severus said quietly, approaching Pauline from behind. She turned to giver him a weak smile, and he couldn’t help but notice that her eyes were rimmed with red.

“Hey,” she whispered, turning back to the party. James was streaking through the sky with Harry on the front of the broom. The four-year old shrieked with delight and giggled as James abruptly turned and streaked to the ground.

“I hate when he does that,” Severus muttered as James straightened the broom out and started to loop lazily around a large tree. Pauline smirked, but there was still the ghost of some dark feeling on her usually jubilant face.

“When I was little, my father used to take me skiing…” she stopped and looked up at him. “Skiing is where -”

“I know what skiing is,” said Severus. She nodded and looked back to the moon.

“Anyways he used to put my skis between his, hold me up and point right down the hill,” she said with a faint smile. “I mean it was the bunny-hill so it probably wasn’t that fast, but it felt like we were flying. I was never scared though, I knew he’d never let anything bad happen to me.” Tears shone in her eyes, and Severus hesitantly reached out to touch her shoulder.

“You never talk about your parents,” Severus replied softly. In all their dating and late night conversations, all he had learned about her parents was that they had died a few years ago.

“My Dad was a financial planner, my Mom stayed home with me until I went to Hogwarts, then she tried to make it as a painter,” she said with a sad smile. “They were brilliant.” Severus didn’t know what to say to that, so he just gave her a half-smile. She bit her lip.

“They were Muggles,” she continued softly. A cold feeling went through Severs’ veins and he knew what was coming next. “They were killed by Deatheaters.”   She wiped a tear off of her cheek, like she was frustrated with herself, and turned back to look at the Moon.

“I’m so sorry,” Severus said softly, not really sure if he was apologizing for his own actions or simply offering a lame condolence. She was always so bright and peppy, that seeing her cry was absolutely heart-wrenching. She bit her lip and looked away.

“After they died it was just me. I mean, I went from having this really close family to being all alone. I started to hate Holidays, and I spent almost all my time inside, baking,” she said with a sniffle. “Then I met you, and you are so smart, and kind, and handsome, and I loved you so much.”

The use of past tense was not lost on Severus, and the familiar cold feeling began to spread.

“I know how important James, Lily and those kids are to you. You have something special there and you could have been protective of it, but you never hesitated to bring me in, and that meant so much to me. And I thought… ” she continued. The tears were beginning to fall thicker and faster.

“Just say it,” Severus said tightly, looking away from her blotchy face. She started to cry harder, and a traitorous part of Severus’ heart took pity on her.

“You can’t date a Death Eater,” he said for her. She looked uncharacteristically small and meek standing there with her shoulders shaking. The cold horror had spread all over his limbs, and he wondered briefly if this was how people died of a broken heart.

“I know you’ve changed. I know what you’ve done for that light, and I know you are a great man, please know that,” she said brokenly. “But I can’t date someone who might have had a hand in the death of my parents. I’m sorry. Maybe I should have told you earlier, but I wanted to be there for you through the trial and Azkaban.”

Her being there for him had made this entire thing worse. When he got her letters, saw her face at the trial, heard her words of reassurance, the unconditionality of her affection, he never dared call it love, made him believe that he was worth something, that he was going to be ok. It was as though she had promised to fix a well-hidden wound, and the moment he revealed it, she poured acid in it.

She looked up at him with guilty, distraught expression, and he knew at that moment, he could completely cut her down with a couple well chosen words. Instead, he stepped forward, took her shoulders in her hands and gently kissed her on the forehead.

“Don’t be sorry,” he said, deliberately deepening his voice to prevent it from cracking. He let go of her, turned around and walked back into the party. She let out a little sob, and it took everything he had to continue to walk away from her.

The walk through the party felt surreal. All the talking and levity seemed to mock him. With a surreptitious look around, he apparated to the nearest bar with the intention of getting absolutely hammered.

He sat down at the edge of the bar and nursed his firewhiskey. The moment he ordered it, he wished he was at home. The bar was smokey, and the din of other people’s laugher and conversation made him feel even more alone.

After a few moments, a cloaked figure slid onto the stool next to him. Severus knew that messy hair, and he sighed. He supposed that it was something he had gotten twenty minutes alone.

“Hey,” said James gently. Severus nodded and took another swallow of the foul liquid.

“Pauline told me what happened,” James said after a few long moments of silence. From the look on James’ face, he knew exactly how much of a blow this was, and Severus suddenly couldn’t handle hearing anything he had to say. He shook his head sharply, clutching his glass hard. Embarrassingly, tears started to build up in his eyes. He knew if James so much as patted him on the back, he’d break.

“Just leave me alone,” he grumbled.

“Let me take you home first,” James said lightly, not the least bit put out by Severus’ harshness. “Lily’s put fresh sheets on the bed, chilli is on the stove, I found you an extra toothbrush.”

“I’ll be fine at Hogwarts,” muttered Severus, at least there’d be plenty of Potions ingredients to kill himself with.

“Please. Look, I’m asking you. We miss you. The kids miss you. The baby’s about to be born, we could use an extra set of hands,” cajoled James. “It’s almost Christmas. Stay for the Holidays at least.”

Severus looked hesitantly at James. Between Azkaban, Pauline, the humiliation of the trial, it had been an appallingly rotten few months. He was so tired, and honestly after Azkaban, the thought of being alone in his apartment all holidays was awful.

Numbly, he put his head in his hands. At that moment, they both knew James had won. A hand rested between his shoulder blades.

“Come on, I’ll make you a cup of tea,” said James softly. “It’ll all be ok.”

“Yeah, alright,” Severus muttered softly. James threw a few galleons on the counter and clapped Severus on the shoulder. He felt like he was walking through water as James guided him to the doorway, but the arm leading him through the crowd kept him afloat.

XXxxxxxxxXXXXXX

It was amazing how full the Potters’ huge estate could feel. With a two-year old toddler and a four-year old there was constant shrieking, tears and laughter. James was getting ready for the baby, and Lily was on bed-rest, so everyone was around all the time. But Severus liked the noise and the bustle, it kept him from thinking of Pauline and the empty apartment he now only occupied when he was on duty.

Severus was stretched out on the bed beside Lily, enjoying the brief moment of silence, as James took the children to the park.

“Ok, spicy peppers.” Severus said, holding the peppers out to her. The baby was two weeks late, and Lily was doing everything she could to move things along, including eating spicy food.

“You have to eat some too!” she whined, pouting in a way he couldn’t resist. He rolled his eyes, and popped a pepper in his mouth.

“Nothing is working!” she groaned.

“It’ll happen when it happens,” Severus said in as soothing of a voice as he could.

“Ugh that tone,” she said. “You get knocked up with an asshole alien and I’ll tell you it’ll happen when it happens!” Severus raised his eyebrows, and her face softened.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean -”

“It’s alright,” he said. “Come on, let’s try walking again.”

She grudgingly let him help her up.

“This always looks so much more fun on TV,” Lily said. “I miss Muggle TV.”

“Me too,” Severus said as they walked slowly around the room.

“Remember when we were kids, and we watched all those hours of I Love Lucy?” Lily said with a smile. Severus remembered that most times he went to the Evans’ house his father had whipped the skin off of his back. Even though she never knew it, her place was always his refuge. The one place he was treated with compassion. He never reflected that that held true as he became an adult.

“This kid is going to be trouble,” she said. Severus smirked.

“All your kids are trouble,” he said. “This morning Harry threw cereal at me.”

“Cause he likes you,” Lily said with a laugh, hitting him on the shoulder.

“I can’t believe you’re having another one,” Severus said. “This place is going to be a zoo.”

“You aren’t going to go, are you?” she asked suddenly. “Cause if you’re not here, Harry’s throwing cereal at me,” Severus shook his head.

“I want to play with the baby.” The second he said it, Lily pitched forward and grabbed her stomach.

“You’re going to get your wish!” Lily said, gripping his arm painfully hard.

“Now?” he asked anxiously. Of course his would happen the one time James left the house.

“Now!” she said.

“Alright come on,” he said, pulling her up. “I’ve got you.”

The baby was born so quickly that James, who Severus had to send a Patronus after, nearly missed it. Severus had just sat down in the waiting room with Harry and Amelia when James came striding back into the room with a smile.

“A boy!” he said holding his hand out to give Harry a high-five which the toddler did happily.

“You have to be careful now that you’re a big sister,” said Harry importantly to Amelia. “‘Cause babies are small and they don’t know anything. But don’t worry, I’ll help you.”Amelia nodded, looking at Harry with big awed eyes. James smirked at Severus over the children’s head and ushered them into the room.

After all the congratulating and the hugging, both the baby and Lily were clearly tired, so Severus had taken tiny little baby back to the nursery. He had almost forgotten how small brand new babies were, and he contented himself with watching his newest godson sleep peacefully. Of course, being a Potter, the peaceful slumber only lasted for about fifteen minute before the baby blinked awake and started to fuss.

“Oh it’s ok,” soothed Severus, rubbing the baby’s tiny belly. With a quick swirl of his wand he conjured a group of butterflies to fly around the baby’s head. The crying slowed to muffled sounds of discontent to droopy-eyed sighs.

“Trouble-maker already, I see,” Pauline said from behind him. He was so surprised to hear her voice, that he whipped around without taking a moment to hide the naked shock on his face. She wore her usual cheerful high ponytail, and a short salmon dress. Somehow she looked more breathtaking than he remembered her, though she had a painfully hesitant expression on her face, as though she expected Severus to yell at her.

“Was there ever a doubt?” Severus said, turning back to the baby, though his heart was beating in his ears so loudly he was barely able to focus on the child. Footsteps entered the room, and Pauline walked to the other side of the crib.

“Aw. He looks just like James,” she said, stroking the fat baby cheek, with a smile. Severus nodded in agreement. There was a long moment of awkward silence, then Severus stood up fully. Not even the prospect of sitting with the baby, something Severus had been looking forward to for a while, was enough to keep him standing in the room with Pauline in awkward silence. It was too painful.

“How have you been?” Pauline asked as he turned away from the crib. When he turned back to her, there was an odd urgency to her expression he couldn’t quite place.

“Fine,” he said neutrally.

“Good,” she said, sounding genuine. He nodded shortly again, and placed his hand on the doorknob.

“You’re well?” he asked shortly, before he could stop himself.

“Great,” she said with a smile. Somehow that made him feel worse. He wasn’t proud of it, but he was sort of hoping for her to be as much of a mess as he currently was. He gave her a tense smile then exited the room, his hands clenched in fists.

He went back to Lily’s room to find her fast asleep, surrounded by the insane amount of flowers Remus had sent in recompense for not being able to come to the birth. James was sitting beside her, entertaining Harry and Amelia with picture books and a large stack of blue cupcakes that surely were brought by Pauline.

“You could have warned me,” Severus said, just as James bit into a cupcake. The man blinked up at him innocently.

“Warned you about what, Sev? She didn’t come here with a weapon,” said James.

 “She doesn’t need a weapon. She’s perfectly able to rip out my heart and stomp on it without one,” Severus grumbled a little melodramatically. James opened his mouth then shut it again.

“Ice cream?” Severus asked the two toddlers, eager for an excuse not to see Pauline again. They both nodded enthusiastically.

“I want chocolate,” Amelia announced reaching her arms up. Severus swung her up on his hip easier and gave his other hand to Harry who also grinned broadly.

“Me too!”

“Well, no points for originality, but whatever suits,” Severus said, leading the children out of the room to the cafeteria. Soon, both Harry and Amelia had their fill of chocolate ice cream, and Severus was scrubbing a particularly stubborn patch of chocolate off of Harry’s face as the boy sat on his lap.

“Uncle Sev?” asked Harry innocently. “Are you gonna marry Polly?” Severus raised his eyebrows and pushed away the part of him that had planned to do just that.

“No.”

“Why not?” Harry asked, Amelia looked at him curiously as well. Before today, Severus had found Harry’s increasing curiosity about the world cute and indicative of intelligence. Right now it was just plain annoying.

“Because you marry people you love. She doesn’t love me,” explained Severus a little curtly. Harry continued to look at him with curiosity.

“Are you gonna have a baby?” he asked. Severus laughed.

“No,” Severus said. “I already have you guys.” He said, kissing him on the top of the head. Harry beamed back up at him and hugged him tightly around the waist.

“I love you,” Harry said into Severus chest.

“I love you too, monkey,” Severus said, planting a kiss on the top of hi head. “And I love you too!”  Severus said to Amelia who took her thumb out of her mouth to smile. At least the children   cared that he loved them.

“Come on, let’s go see your Mommy,” Severus said, pulling Harry up with him. Amelia was walking so it was a slow dawdle up the stairs to Lily’s room, and Severus carefully checked over his shoulder and around the corners like an escaped convict to make sure they did not run into Pauline. Thankfully, the hallway was clear.

“There you all are!” Lily said happily the moment Severus opened the doors. Severus deposited the kids onto Lily’s bed.

“I can take them home, if you want,” offered Severus, as both kids scrambled to her side.

“That would be great if you wouldn’t mind. I think someone is in need of a nap,” Lily said with a smile as Amelia cuddled up to her side. “Would you mind getting James for me first though? He went to see the baby and hasn’t come back yet. The little guy is probably getting hungry.”

Severus nodded, and walked out the door towards the nursery. Sure enough, James was sitting in the chair holding a little bundle of blankets. Severus opened the door quietly, surreptitiously looking around for Pauline before he entered.

“Don’t worry, she’s not here,” James said, still not taking his eyes off of the baby.

“Is everything alright?” Severus asked, thinking that the man looked rather morose for someone who just had a baby. Nothing seemed wrong with the child, but Severus wasn't an expert in these things. James nodded.

“Of course. He’s perfect,” James said, finally smiling a little as he rocked the baby.

“I’m just thinking about all the things the original Sirius is missing out on.” James said softly. “Having a family, growing old…his life was always so stressful, you know?”

Sirius was one topic that James and Severus both avoided by tacit agreement. The wound was clearly still raw for James. In four years later, he had never mentioned Sirius’ death to Severus, and although intellectually Severus knew he would probably have come to care for Sirius the same way he cared for Remus and James, he hadn’t had the time and had trouble imagining the man as anything more than the high school bully.

“I’m sure this would mean a lot to him,” Severus said quietly. James smiled down at the baby.

“I just wish he could be here to meet him,” James said, resting Sirius on his lap and pulling a funny face for the baby, that didn’t quite cover the sadness in his expression.

“I know, Potter.” James sighed, then looked up to Severus with a smile. Clearly, that was all the Sirius talk he could handle.

“Now the important question. Do you think you can stomach being godfather to a child named Sirius?” Severus laughed and held his arms open to take the baby. James passed over the blanket wrapped bundle. Sirius looked almost angelic: fast asleep with rosy pudgy cheeks. Even with that damn name Severus was already in love. Gently, he pulled away the bit of the blanket that was slightly covering the baby’s mouth.

“I think think I can manage,” Severus said with a smile.  

XxxxxXXxxxxxX

“Severus!” Severus sat bolt upright in his bed to find James and Dumbledore, both looking pale as the moonlight staring at him. Feeling extremely discombobulated, he pulled himself to a sitting position, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. It was 3 am in the middle of the week, and Severus had permanently moved back to his apartment in Hogwarts three weeks ago. There was no reason why they should be there.

“What - what’s happening?” muttered Severus.

“Voldemort is back,” Dumbledore said matter-of-factly. They must have missed a Horcrux.

“We need to go now,” added James throwing clothes at Severus.

“Go?” Severus said, only half-understanding what was going on as he got to his feet. Neither Dumbledore nor James took the time to elaborate further. James just pulled him towards the fireplace and moments later they were flooing through to the Potters’ kitchen.

They charged down the cellar steps and James locked the door securely behind him, muttering spell after spell at the ceiling. Lily was sitting in the far corner, clutching Sirius who was just barely old enough to sit up her arms, while Harry, all of four, wrapped a protective arm around Amelia. They both stared at him with wet, fearful eyes, and Severus felt a huge lurch of sympathy.

“Hey loveys,” Severus said, smiling as genuinely as he could at them. Harry got to his feet and ran towards him and James pulling Amelia with him. Severus picked Harry up and was about to say something reassuring when he heard footsteps on the ceiling. He shared a look of pure panic to James, who was holding Amelia, and they both ran to the corner to huddle with Lily and Sirius.

“I thought you said they’d be here?” It was Voldemort’s voice, and Severus felt cold dread pour over him as he pulled Harry closer and grabbed his wand.

“Forgive me, Master,” said a nasal, feminine voice Severus did not recognize. “Someone must have told.”

There was the sound of an explosion and an angry scream. Amelia squealed as James held her closer and kissed her hair.

“Search everywhere!” Voldemort said.

Severus flinched and looked up at the ceiling as another boot trod heavily. Harry buried his head in his shoulder and Severus held him close, partly to muffle any cries and partly to comfort the child. Harry gripped his back so tightly, Severus was sure it was going to leave marks.

“It’s ok,” murmured Severus into the child’s hair. “Shhh.” There was the sound of of footsteps and spells, but whatever spell James and his ancestors had placed on the old Estate held.

“They’ve gone into hiding,” Voldemort said finally. “I want to find out who told them. Go to everyone they know. I want the boy dead, by morning.” Instinctively, Severus arched a little further over Harry, as though he could hide him from harm. He made eye contact with James who was trying futilely to calm Amelia. When Voldemort mentioned wanting Harry dead, James squeezed his eyes shut, as though the comment had physically hurt him.  After a few moments, there was the sound of people leaving the house.

“I have to go. I have to find Pauline,” whispered Severus. James was already shaking his head.

“Sev, it is way too dangerous,” said James urgently, but Severus was already standing up and putting Harry on the ground.

“I’m going,” said Severus drawing his wand.

“Alright, then I’m going too,” James said, putting Amelia down as well.

“Potter, you can’t leave,” muttered Severus jerking his head to where Lily was trying to comfort Amelia and Harry while Sirius slept in a sling off of her chest. James looked back at them, and his fierce resolve waved.

“Sev, this is suicide,” James hissed, realizing there was no way he could leave his family.

“It’s Pauline,” Severus said lowly. “Tell me you wouldn’t go for Lily.” Any response James had died on his lips, and he nodded tightly.

“Hey,” said James, grabbing Severus’ arm. “Be careful.”  Severus looked up at James, prepared to make a glib comment, but he stopped himself at the dark look of concern on James’ face. He nodded, and headed out the cellar door.

Pauline lived in a small, one bedroom apartment just off Diagon Alley. When Severus walked down the street towards it, he felt the same way he had the night he had gone to get Sirius to save the Potters, out of his mind with fear, and so focused.

He placed a hand on the gate, but before he could open it, a hand was on his shoulder. He turned around, only to see Voldemort’s demented smile. Before he could scream, before he could anything, Voldemort grabbed him, and he aparated through the air.

After that there was no conception of time, just pain. He was locked in a cold cement room, not given food or water. Voldemort did not want him dead, which Severus supposed was a good thing, but he did want to know where the Potters were. Every once in a while, someone would come in and try to find out.

A familiar black, tousled head of hair entered the room.

“James,” whispered Severus.

“Hey buddy,” James said, running to his side. “Hey, I’m here. Let’s get you home.”

Severus grabbed his arm, relieved. James reached forward, and pulled him up to his feet, and Severus was about to ask about Pauline when suddenly James’ face morphed into Voldemort’s.

“No!” Severus said stepping back and falling.

“You want to see what really happened to your rescue party?” asked Voldemort harshly, nodding at the door. A cold dread filled Severus’ stomach. Two masked Deatheaters dragged in James and Remus, but it wasn’t really them, it was their corpses. They were horribly pale and waxy, like bloated ballons.

“No,” whispered Severus. “No!” He told James not to go anywhere. He had specifically told James to stay in the cellar. Remus was supposed to still be in New York.

He scrambled as best he could towards the bodies that were callously discarded on the floor.

“James,” whispered Severus, pushing his hair out of his face, before turning to place his fingers in Remus’ throat. There was no thumping of the pulse. A tear fell from Severus’ cheek on to James’ blood-stained shirt.

“Where is Harry?” Voldemort asked. “Unless you want his mother to end up like his father.” Severus’ straightened Remus’ shirt, trying to blink back his tears.

“I don’t know where Harry is,” said Severus through his clenched teeth. With a flick of Voldemort’s wand, Remus and James’ bodies vanished, just like that. Like they were nothing of import. Severus clenched his fists and held back a sob.

“Dorri, White, see that Severus sees reason,” Voldemort said, speaking to the Deatheaters.

Nott raised his arm and a green light burst forth from his wand. Intense pain shot up through Severus’ body and he collapsed against the wall with a wail.

The Deatheaters went at him until he had been under so much pain that he no longer could form sentences. Every once in a while, they pretended to be James or Remus, or Dumbledore. At first it was horrid, but now Severus knew that no one was coming for him, and he simply ignored the James and Remus look-alikes dying.

For what seemed like weeks but was probably only days, they blasted him with cold water, tortured him with the Cruciatus Curse, and left him with a broken arm, starved him and forced him to drink foul-tasting potion that made him crazy. Still, Severus refused to speak so they left him, freezing and coughing in the corner of his cell.

There was a loud crash from outside the doors and the sounds of screams and curses. Instinctively, Severus pulled himself further into his corner. The door to his cell open and Goyle pointed a wand at him.

“Incarcerous!” he yelled. Thick ropes bound Severus neck and body, cutting off his supply of air.

“We gotta go,” he said in a lumbering low voice.

Goyle reached down to grab him, but without a wand or any other form of weapon, James appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, and pulled Goyle off of Severus with an almost feral scream. Severus collapsed to the ground.

“Diffindo!” yelled someone who sounded like Remus. There were bursts of light and screams but Severus could barely follow what was happening, as he collapsed to the ground. Someone was on top of him, but they weren’t hurting him, it was almost as though they were protecting him from the screams and the blasts.

Suddenly, there was silence, and the body pulled away.

“Severus? Fucking hell, Remus get over here. Sev? Buddy, can you here me?” said someone in James’ voice. Quickly, Severus reminded himself that James was dead and clamped his eyes shut.

A hand touched him, causing him to flinch violently before it rolled him over.

“Hey buddy, it’s James, it’s just me,” soothed not-James gently as he pulled the ropes away from Severus’ neck and propped him up against his chest.

The cool hand on his forehead felt like James, and the chest he was propped up against smelled like James. Severus closed his eyes tightly and groaned. Not again. He couldn’t see James die again.

“What hurts?” not-James’ voice asked gently, mistaking Severus’ groan for one of pain.  If he kept his eyes closed, Severus could almost indulge in the idea that he was still alive. When Severus didn’t answer, a hand ran over him looking for injuries, and when he looked under Severus’ shirt to where all the burns and lash marks were, he hissed and swore.

“Look at you, you’re freezing,” he muttered, more to himself than to Severus now. With a flick of James wrist, a thick blanket materialized out of thin air, and he wrapped it around Severus’ shoulders.

“Ok, you’re alright,” the voice soothed. “It’s done. I’m gonna take you home.” The words felt like burning lava being poured into his soul.

“Fuck off,” Severus growled, finally looking up to glower at not-James who pulled away looking extremely concerned, and Remus who was peering intently over James’ shoulder.

 “You can’t fool me anymore. James is dead.” not-James sat back on his heels and wiped a hand over his mouth, looking distressed now that he didn’t have a way to fool Severus. There was a bang from outside and not-James froze to look at the door in fear, then turned back to Severus.

“Sev it’s me, I swear. Remus is here too,” James said softly.

“We have to go!” Remus said quickly as someone pounded on the door. Severus noticed the incapacitated Death Eaters lying on the floor, as though they were in the midst of a fight. James looked at the door desperately as well, then rested a hand gently on Severus’ shoulder.

“Hey, hey buddy look at me. You’re drugged, you’re tired, you’re hungry and a little confused. Let me take you home, ok?” not-James said softly.

A lot of the time, James’ affability made him seem like the younger, careless brother, but, underneath the joviality, James was a rock. Anyone who knew him well wanted him there when they were ill, frightened, or genuinely distressed. Severus hated that Voldemort was using that to manipulate him.

“Sev, drink this, alright?” said Remus, bringing the vial to Severus’ lips. Severus tried to move his head away, but not-James held him down tightly. Severus was still weakened from the drugs, starvation and incredible amount of pain and was no match for fake-James. Still he continued to kick feebly and almost managed to get up when Remus dumped the liquid down his throat.

“I’m sorry, buddy. I know this isn’t helping with the whole trust thing,” James said, oddly gentle, considering he was actually Voldemort. “You’re going to be ok, I promise.” It was so very like James, that if it wasn’t for the potion slowly killing him, he might have been comforted.

He didn’t think he would die like this. He didn’t think his killer would look like James. That would tear James up if he ever knew, and Severus hoped he never would. The burning went up his throat and a moment later everything faded to black.  

It felt as though a man with a small but effective hammer was beating the inside of Severus’ forehead repeatedly. A sliver of light made its way through his tightly shut eyes and his mouth tasted like how imagined week old seafood salad tasted.

“Sev, sweetheart,” a voice said gently. He opened his eyes to see a drawn, pale Lily staring down at him. She reached forward and raised his head up. He felt almost boneless.

“Swallow,” said Lily, pouring something into his mouth. He gagged a little on the nasty liquid, but obeyed.

“Good,” she said softly. “Go back to sleep.” Before Severus could acknowledge her, his eyes fluttered shut again, and his head landed on the pillow.

When Severus woke up three hours later it was a completely different experience. Pain radiated through his stomach and made him wake up quickly. and curl into himself. A hand rubbed a gentle circle on his back.

“Who are you?” grunted Severus.

“It’s Remus.” Severus felt his shoulders tensed and he scowled.

“Remus is dead,” bit back Severus.

“Well, that’s news to Remus,” the voice replied lightly. “You need to eat something.” The thought of food was absolutely disgusting.

“Why are you doing this?” whined Severus as Remus forced him to roll over. Severus blinked up at the hallucination. Remus sat in front of him holding a bowl of soup.

“My end game is to get you to eat something,” he continued, a touch of an ironic smile on his face. “Sit up.” It was better to just play along with whatever Voldemort wanted then to resist, so Severus reluctantly did what he was told.

“A few bites,” cajoled not-Remus. holding a spoonful of soup. Food was hard to come by, so keeping his eyes fixed on Remus skeptically, Severus consented to take a few bites. The few bites were all it took for him to start to drop off. Remus grabbed the bowl off of his lap.

“Good, get some rest now,” Remus said, pulling the blankets further up his shoulders.  After a few moments, Severus drifted back off to sleep.

A few hours later, Severus was sweating through his clothing with a fever, headache and cramping stomach. Even though he was barely awake, the first thing he had to do was throw up. A cool hand rested on the back of his neck.

“Whatever drugs he was giving you, you’re coming off of them now,” muttered James as he rubbed Severus’ back. Severus groaned and spat the last of the bile out of his mouth. He was shaking like a leaf, and James’ hand was pressing sweat-soaked shirt into his back.

“Here, this will be better,” James said, flicking his wand at Severus’ shirt and drying it completely. Severus leaned back against the pillows, and James pressed a cold washcloth against Severus’ sweaty forehead with a frown.  

James eyes were narrowed as he looked over Severus, exactly the same as when his children were sick and he was trying to figure out what to do with them: thoughtful, worried, and more than little stressed. Voldemort didn’t have the compassion, the empathy, to be able to come up with that expression.

“It is you, isn’t it?” asked Severus softly. James’ frowned dissipated, and he smiled.

“Yeah, mate,” James said, planting a hand on his shoulder. “It’s really me.” Severus blinked and looked around the room again. He was in the same bright blue room he had been in when he first came to stay with the Potters. They had put him there so he wouldn’t have to deal with stairs and so they could keep an eye on him. It was the first time in his life anyone had showed him that much consideration. Suddenly the feeling of relief turned into a boiling swirl of nausea. He turned away from James and vomited in to the bucket.

“Oh Sev,” James said in soft sympathy, patting his back and handing over a glass of water. “Drink this.”

The night went on like that: dry-heaving, sweating, and shaking. It didn’t feel much different than being in the cell with the one big exception that James tried to make him comfortable. A shooting pain went through Severus’ stomach again, and he groaned and rolled onto his side.

“Try to relax,” soothed James placing a cold hand on his forehead and frowning. “Your running a fever. I’m going to call Healer Harris again.”

“No,” Severus said, shivering. “ ’s just from being in that cell. I’m fine.” The fever must not have been very high cause James just nodded. His face was so papery and tired. He looked completely wasted.

“You should go to bed,” Severus said, shifting uncomfortably.

“I’m not going anywhere,” James said, summoning a vial from the bureau. “Here have some pain reliever.”

“How much have I taken?” groaned Severus, even though he drank it down with no complaint.

“You let me worry about that, alright?” James said gently. The pain dulled almost immediately..

He was home. Voldemort was nowhere near him. No one he loved was dead.  The relief he felt made a harsh pressure build-up behind his eyes. Severus grabbed James’ wrist tightly. The surprise on James’ face immediately turned to sympathy, and before Severus could do anything, James reached forward and hugged him.

“You’re ok,” whispered James. “I’m here. I’ve got you.”  Even though James was a hugger, this was usually the type of thing that Severus resisted, and he instinctively stiffened at the contact. James didn’t relent, just drew him in tighter and rubbed a thumb soothingly along the base of Severus’ neck. The desire to pull away was overcome by the need to be comforted and deep feeling of relief running through him. A few seconds was all Severus could handle, the moment they pulled apart, Severus quickly wiped the moisture from his cheeks, a fact James thankfully pretended not to notice.

“Here,” James said, handing Severus the glass of water. He chugged it down as quickly as he could and leaned back on the pillows, shaking suddenly from the cold.

“I know you’re uncomfortable, but try and get a little more rest, ok?” James said, pulling an extra blanket over the bed. “You’ll feel better in the morning, when it’s all out of your system.”

Eventually the nausea subsided enough that he was able to sleep. When he woke up in the pitch black room hours later he thought he was back in Voldemort’s lair, but he abruptly realized he was far to comfortable and that James was snoring on the chair beside his bed.

“James,” hissed Severus, the man grunted and continued to sleep. “Potter.” Groggily, James opened his eyes and focused on Severus.

“What is it?” he asked trying to sound awake. Everything about him down to his skewed glasses looked awful and tired.

“Go to bed,” Severus ordered. James closed his eyes and shuffled back down in the chair.

“S’ok don’t worry ‘bout me,” muttered James.. He rested his head on the arm of his chair and Severus could tell he was just about to fall back into sleep.

“If you’re going to stay here, you should at least transfigure that chair into a cot,” muttered Severus, rolling over. James’ back wasn’t as young as it once was.

“I’ll break it. This stupid wand,” Severus turned around to see James holding a long, pale wand, different from his typical mahogany. Severus frowned.

“But you killed Voldemort,” Severus said, he had learned as much from snatches of conversation he had heard.

“I know, right!” James said with a gleeful smile.

“You didn’t have a wand?” Severus continued.

“He broke mine, bastard,” James grumbled. “I’m using my Dad’s, Aspen, Dragon-heartsting, 13 inches, firm as friggin’ rod of steel. It feels like I have my thumb over a powerhouse. I’ve broken three plates, and don’t even get me started on trying to cook with this thing. No wonder he never did any housework.”

“You killed Voldemort with no wand,” Severus said dryly.

“Yes, well, for all his delusions of grandeur, he can still get stabbed with the broken leg of a chair just like anyone,” James said, still looking at the wand with distaste.  Severus blinked incredulously at the man. James must have felt Severus looking at him, because he looked away from his father’s wand with a smile.

“Trust me, the moment you are well, you won’t be able to shut me up about how awesome I am, but right now you just need to focus on getting some rest, alright?” James said kindly.

“You should have called back up. You should have left,” Severus said a little angrily.

“He had you,” James scoffed, almost offended at the idea. “I wasn’t going anywhere.”

“It’s a miracle you didn’t die coming after me. Are you that arrogant? That stupid?”  Severus spat out harshly. Surprisingly, James laughed.

“I suppose I just care about you that much,” James said, curling back into his chair “Now get some sleep. If you have any further need of my arrogance or stupidity, I’ll be right here.” Severus glared at the ceiling, and after a few moments James soft snoring filled the room.

With an angry flick of his wand, Severus shot a blanket across the room to rest on top of James, then turned around to glare at the opposite wall. It had been completely reckless of James to go after him, even more reckless for him not to have retreated. On principle Severus couldn’t condone that level of stupidity, but as he drifted off to sleep, he couldn’t help but feel incredibly touched that that stupidity was directed towards him.

The next morning, Severus was able to eat the eggs and bacon Lily had managed to not screw up, and Remus decided Severus wasn’t going to die and reluctantly returned to America. Unfortunately, Severus was still only able to stay awake for small chunks of time and was almost falling asleep playing chess with Lily.

“Just move already,” said Severus testily as her hand hovered over her rook.

“I’m thinking,” she snapped back, retracting her hand. Severus rolled his eyes, playing chess with her was like watching grass grow, and she always won. Mercifully, at that moment James poked his head into the door.

 “Sev, I know you aren’t feeling well, but there are some people out there who want to see you. Are you up for it?” He was sick and shaky and probably smelled gross. A large part of him was a little scared of traumatizing the kids, but the larger part, the part that thought nothing would be as comforting as the feel of little pudgy arms around his neck, made him nod. James smiled and opened the door.

“Uncle Sev! Uncle Sev!” Harry yelled excitedly as he raced towards the bed. Without hesitation he clamoured up on top of the covers. Amelia followed hesitantly, her wide eyes taking in the sick-bed and containers of potions. Before Severus could reassure her, Harry threw his arms around Severus’ neck with surprising strength.

“Harry, give him some space,” James said, moving to pull the boy off with the arm that wasn’t holding Sirius. But seeing those kids, feeling their warm, solid, alive weight, made him feel better than anything had and he shook his head at James.

“Oh loveys, I’ve missed you so much,” said Severus, hugging and kissing the children as hard as he could. “How have you been?”  

James, lowered Sirius into Severus’ arms. The baby smiled at him and giggled and Severus pulled a funny face for the baby getting giggles from Amelia.

“Good, but Uncle Sev, Mom says everyone dies like Uncle Sirius and Grandma and Grandpa? Are you going die?” Harry whispered. Severus snapped his head up from the baby to look into Harry’s grave green eyes.  This was precisely why it was not a good idea for the kids to see him like this.

“We have just learned about the concept of death,” James said apologetically. “It has made for some truly delightful conversations.”

“I’m going to be just fine,” Severus said, cupping Harry’s little cheek. “I’m not going anywhere for a very long time.” The worry dissipated from Harry’s face and he reached up and kissed Severus on the cheek.

“That’s good, but Uncle Sev, Daddy doesn’t read Where the Wild Things Are like you,” Amelia said lying on his chest. “He doesn’t do the voices.”

“I do to do the voices,” James protested with a laugh, picking Sirius back up.

“I’ll read it to you,” offered Severus, kissing the little girl on the forehead.

“Maybe later,” James said gently, pulling Amelia off. “Come on, this was just to say hi, Uncle Severus needs some rest.” Both kids protested but James cut them off.

“Out, out, come on. It’s nearly dinner” James said over their whines.

“There’s someone else here,” James said as soon as Harry and Amelia left. Severus looked up in confusion and turned towards the doorway. Molly and Arthur had come by earlier. The only other people he could think of who would visit him would be Minerva or maybe someone else in the Order.

“She’s been asking about you ever since we brought you home,” James said softly, just as Pauline stepped into the doorway. Her face was pale and her features were drawn. She was wearing a sweatshirt Severus recognized as Lily’s. The sight made Severus’ heart jump to his throat. James patted Severus on the shoulder and walked out the room with a smile at Pauline.

“Hi,” Pauline whispered, the moment the door closed behind her. He was too surprised to say anything in response, and she took a few more tentative steps into the room.

“I wanted to see if you were alright,” she said, twisting her hands together. “I was so worried.” He continued to blink stupidly at her, and a faint blush started to crawl up her cheeks.

“Next time though, don’t come after me. I couldn’t stand the thought of you going through this again,” she said, with a weak smile.

“I’m sorry, you probably don’t want to see me. I just wanted you to know that…” she trailed off and sniffed back her tears, then forced a bright smile. “I am so glad you are ok.” With another forced smile, she turned to the doorway.

“I’ll always come after you,” rasped Severus, just as she reached for the doorknob. She dropped her hand down from the doorknob and turned back to him with tear-filled eyes. She walked over to the bed and they both studied each other uncertainly for a moment.

“I’m so sorry,” she said shaking her head despondently. He shook his head and blinked up at her.

“No. Don’t cry…” Severus said shuffling to sit up. The action caused one of his muscles to squeal in agony and he collapsed back on the pillow with a little gasp.

“Oh Sev, I’m sorry. Stay still. Do you need me to get a pain reliever?” she asked hurriedly sitting on the bed beside him. Her former reticence was gone and she was looking at him with a naked look of panicked concern.  He recognized the expression on her face. It was the same expression Lily had years ago when she had seen James after he had almost been burned alive at Malfoy Manor. That expression was love.

“It’s not so bad,” he whispered with a crooked smile.

“You were always too tough for your own damn good,” she said, reaching out like she was going to brush the bangs off of his forehead, before dropping her hand.

“I have to confess something,” she said with a quirk of her lips. Severus raised an eyebrow in response.

“When Sirius was born, you asked me how I was. I said I was doing well,” she said. “I may have lied just a tiny bit.” Severus’ lips quirked.

“I may have been miserable,” she continued. Severus felt himself smile.

“That’s funny, I might have been miserable too,” he said.

“Perhaps, and I’m just throwing this out there, we’d be slightly less miserable together,” she said, making his heart leap. He swallowed down the chalky taste of anxiety in his mouth and smiled.

“That definitely sounds like it could be possible,” he said, not daring to do more than whisper.  He shuffled over and patted the bed. She looked at him for a moment, then gave him a watery smile. Then, as though no time had passed she curled up beside him and rested her head on his shoulder.

“I’m not hurting you, am I?” she asked. The idea that she was hurting him was absurd, nothing felt as good as her lying on his shoulder. Instinctively, as though nothing had ever changed between them, he started to play with the ends of her ponytail. Her cool hand drifted under his shirt and rested on his sternum. The drugs, injuries and emotion were beginning to make him exhausted and without him thinking about it, his eyes began to slowly drift shut.

“I should have told you everything,” he continued running a hand over his face tiredly. There was no time like the present. “I was sixteen and it seemed-”

“Sh,” Pauline said, more gently than she usually spoke. “It’s ok…”

“No,” muttered Severus. “You should know everything. You should know…” She leaned down and planted a soft kiss on his forehead. His heart flipped over in his chest.

“I know, and you can tell me everything later,” she whispered. “Right now you just need to rest, ok?” Severus opened his mouth to protest, but she shushed him again.

“Just close your eyes,” she whispered again gently. “You can tell me anything you want in the morning. I’ll be here.”  He peeled his eyes open to look at her. She was look at him again with that same expression of soft concern, the one he’d always equate with love.

“I love you,” he said, barely audibly. He hadn’t meant to say it, and for a moment he was sure her face was going to freeze in horror. Especially after Azkaban, it seemed insane that she loved him. Before he could truly regret it, she pressed her lips gently into his.

“I love you too,’ she said as she pulled away, pulling the blankets up further over the both of them and leaving him breathless.

“Sleep,” she said again, nuzzling her head against his shoulder to find a comfortable spot, the same way she used to when they slept together and her hand slipped back under his shirt to rest on top of his heart. He closed his eyes and let his head droop down on top of hers. Moments later, he was sleeping more deeply and peacefully than he had in weeks.