The next day was a blissful free day for Harry as he had no classes that day. After breakfast he waved his friends goodbye as Hermione hurried off to Arithmancy and Ron trudged towards the edge of the forest for Care of Magical Creatures. As it was a beautiful summer's day he decided to walk to the lake, pick a spot and settle down to work on some essays.
Last night he had told Ron, Hermione and Ginny, who had somehow stayed up for him as well, what happened during his detention and the trip to the Headmaster's Office afterwards. Hermione had been properly relieved that he would finally be working on getting rid of his visions while Ron and Ginny sympathised with the fact that he now had to endure Snape's wrath not only in Potions but Occlumency as well.
An hour into his work he put down his books and scrolls and stretched on the grass, right at the edge of the lake. A tap on his shoulder made him jump.
"Hi Harry."
He looked up and saw Ginny's freckled face beaming at him.
"Mind if I join you?"
"Not at all. I'm taking a break anyway."
Ginny threw her bag off her shoulder and sat down next to him.
"What were you working on?"
"Transfiguration. It's the subject I'm worst at for sure."
Ginny grinned at him. "Mine is History of Magic. I tried, I swear I did. But it's just too dull for my tastes."
Her grin turned into a small frown as she looked at him.
"Are you alright? Last night must not have been easy."
Harry glanced at her and marvelled at the way she could sense his feelings.
"I'm fine, I guess. Not looking forward to tonight though."
"I can imagine," Ginny said sourly. "What are you most apprehensive about?"
Harry considered the question and his thoughts ran back to last year, when his lessons with Snape had been a right disaster.
"Just him being in my mind and forcing me to relive all those horrid memories and visions."
"You don't trust him?" Ginny picked up.
"No, I don't," he replied with conviction. "He has never given me any reason to. And I'm sure the feeling's mutual."
"Don't you think that will work to your disadvantage?"
"Huh?" Harry cocked a brow at her.
"You know, I can imagine that studying the mental arts together can be very... intimate and personal. It would be horrible to have to let someone you don't trust look inside your mind time and again, having your deepest secrets and desires exposed to them."
"It is."
"I know."
Harry frowned at her and then realised that Ginny knew exactly what it was like. She too had had someone, Voldemort no less, violate her mind, when she was just eleven years old. He had never stopped to consider that they had this in common and that she would be the only one of his friends who could really relate to his own situation. Not only with Snape, but with Voldemort as well.
He watched Ginny as she picked up a pebble that lay near her feet on the grass, swung her arm back and threw it far into the lake. Harry heard the pebble hit the water but kept his eyes on Ginny. The corner of her mouth lifted up slightly as she watched the Giant Squid move one of his tentacles up to the surface, feeling around for the source of the commotion. A soft breeze swept her brilliant red hair away from her face and he could see the freckles on her cheeks and nose stand out on her fair skin. He figured the sun must have brought them out over the summer for he had never been able to see them so clearly. He also just became aware that they looked really good on her, along with those bright brown eyes, those long eyelashes...
He realised he was staring and quickly and awkwardly turned his head back towards the lake, hoping she hadn't noticed his gawking.
They were silent for a few minutes, both looking out over the lake and both deep in their own thoughts. Feeling the need to break the silence, Harry cleared his throat.
"I suppose it would help to have some trust between us," Harry said. "I have no idea how to go about that though. Snape is about as approachable as a hungry leopard."
Ginny laughed and Harry grinned at her.
"Do you trust me?" she asked after her laughter died down.
"Yes, of course."
"Why?"
Harry was taken aback. "Er, because you're kind to me. You are caring, funny, easy to talk to."
A small blush crept up Ginny's cheeks.
"And?"
"And...I don't know. I guess I just know who you are?"
"Exactly. You know me. You know who I am, what kind of person I am. You know my history, my family, my friends. All of that helps to form a complete image of someone and that allows you to trust them more easily."
"I guess you're right. Though I cannot imagine sitting down with Snape for a nice conversation about his family over a spot of tea."
"Ha, neither can I," Ginny chuckled.
"But I'll keep it in mind. Who knows? The opportunity might present itself someday." He said sarcastically.
"That's the spirit Harry!" Ginny joked.
They laughed at the idea of Harry and Snape getting closer, which was ridiculous of course. Then Harry turned solemn once more.
Ginny seemed to notice his mood and tried a different technique to distract him from any depressing thoughts of Occlumency. She took out a notebook and quill from her bag. "Now, let's hear about those Quidditch try-outs. Have you planned anything yet?"
It was five minutes before seven when Harry made his way from the Great Hall down to the Dungeons, the feeling of dread returning in full. As he stood in front of the dark wooden door to Snape's office he tried not to think about the last Occlumency lesson he had endured there. He took a deep breath, in a fruitless attempt at calming his nerves, and raised his hand to knock on the door. When the terse "Enter" came from within, he pushed the door open and went inside.
This time Snape was not seated behind his desk, occupying himself with paperwork. He stood in front of his desk, facing the door and straddling his wand with an eerie movement that reminded Harry a lot of the way Voldemort held his wand for the first time after his resurrection. He felt a shudder roll along his spine but he broadened his shoulders and raised his chin. He would not back down from this obvious threat.
When Snape noticed his changed demeanour, however, he smiled cruelly.
Uh oh.
"Well, Potter, I must say I had not expected the two of us to find ourselves in this irksome situation again. Well played."
Harry did not reply.
"Not to worry, I don't believe it will take much to make these meetings as disastrous as they were last year. You'll be able to convince Dumbledore to teach you soon enough."
Something clicked in Harry's mind and he frowned.
"You seem to be under the impression, sir, that this was all part of some game, a way to trick Dumbledore in having no choice but to teach me. I can assure you that I was sincere when I chose you as my teacher."
"Fine," Snape snapped, "we'll see how long that persistence of you will last. You are welcome, of course, to try your best," he ended with a mocking sneer.
"I will," Harry said defiantly.
"We'll see," Snape repeated in a deadly tone.
Snape turned towards a cabinet and took out the dreaded Pensieve. Harry looked away as shame crept up from his neck while Snape took out strands of memories and put them in the stone basin.
"If you truly want my instruction there are a few conditions," Snape said as he carefully put the Pensieve back in the cabinet and locked it with a powerful charm. Then he turned back towards Harry and locked eyes.
"First, my time is very valuable and there are a million things more worthwhile I could spend it on. If I so much as suspect you're not giving these lesson one hundred percent of your effort, I will end them instantly. Am I clear?"
"Crystal," Harry said cheekily. He had already made a deal with himself that he would not back down or give up on these lessons this time. He would see them through and master Occlumency if it was the last thing he would do.
Snape set his jaw. "Second, and I can't believe I'm telling you this yet again, you will refrain from disrespecting me at all times. I understand this is a foreign concept to you, but I will not tolerate any impertinent behaviour from you. If you want these lessons to continue, you will keep your insolent tongue in check."
"Yes, sir," Harry replied, showing that he was serious about these lessons.
"That also means that you will not use the Dark Lord's name in my presence, Potter."
Harry cocked an eyebrow sceptically, but nodded his acquiesce. Whatever it takes I guess.
"And last," Snape continued darkly, "you will never, ever, utter a word to anyone of anything you hear, see or feel during these lessons."
"Not even my friends?" Harry blurted out.
"Especially not your friends," Snape growled. "You will respect my privacy this time."
Harry felt his face heat up at the reminder and nodded his head quickly. "The only memories I'll experience here will be my own anyway," he muttered.
"Not if you actually try this time," Snape sneered as he walked back in front of his desk. "Any questions?"
"How come you're allowed to put away your memories in a Pensieve and I don't?"
"Because you will aim to keep your memories from me. If there are no memories left worth protecting, then what other incentive do you have?"
"The fact that I truly want to get rid of the visions?" Harry levelled with furrowed brows.
"We'll see." Snape shook off his cloak and draped it over his desk. "Take out your wand and get ready to begin."
Harry stood in front of the professor with his wand loosely in his hand, awaiting further instruction. Hoping there would be further instruction...
"Clear your mind, let go of all thoughts and concentrate."
Harry wrinkled his forehead, unsure just how he was supposed to rid his mind of any flow of thoughts.
"Three, two, one. Legilimens!"
Instantly Harry was hit with Snape's dark and demanding presence in his mind and flashes of memories were thrown at him. He was four and Dudley pushed him down the stairs. He saw him laughing playfully as if it were nothing but a game. He was nine and making breakfast when his Aunt suddenly yelled at him to use cream instead of milk. He was eleven and hugged Hagrid just as he was about to board the Hogwarts Express, feeling sad and depressed at having to leave his 'home'. He and Ron were sitting next to a hospital bed, solemnly watching over a petrified Hermione. Remus was opening an old trunk and releasing the Boggart that turned into a Dementor before Harry's eyes, cold fear gripping his heart.
He was powerless to stop the onslaught of memories.
The spell ended and Harry found himself on his hands and knees in front of a sour looking Potions Master.
"That was pathetic Potter. You put up no resistance at all. I could have used Legilimency on you in my sleep."
Harry felt the familiar anger flare up again and gritted his teeth as he stood up.
"Again," Snape said. This time he gave no warning before performing the dreaded spell.
Young Harry watched as his uncle burned his sweatshirt that had magically changed colours overnight. He saw Ginny laying unconscious on the wet floor of the Chamber of Secrets, Tom Riddle's appearance towering over her.
Stop it!
He jumped on his broom and was chased by a dragon while an audience watched in nervous tension. He was in a dark maze, running along Cedric Diggory to get to the shiny, golden cup, victory just within reach.
No!
Once more he was on the cold floor of Snape's office. For a fleeting moment he wondered if he had succeeded in throwing off the attack. But one look at the sneering man before him crushed that hope.
"I thought you said you wanted to succeed in this Potter? That you were going to try?"
"I am trying. I just don't know what I can do to stop it," Harry bit out.
"I told you to clear your mind!"
"I don't know how!"
"Clearly," Snape spat at him. "It's not that hard to think of nothing, Potter. Especially with that near empty brain of yours."
Snape raised his wand. "Again."
Harry tried, he really did. He focused on thinking of nothing, but that in itself was a thought and it did not distract him enough from the whirling memories that ruled his mind.
"I can't believe you're this stupid, Potter," Snape said with a hint of tiredness as he ended the spell again. He pinched the area between his brows with closed eyes as if the lack of progress caused him great discomfort.
Harry was still kneeling on the floor, bowing his head low, and made no move to get up. His anger had abated and was now replaced by a feeling of weariness.
"Get up, Potter. We're done for today." Snape said as he turned back towards the cabinet were the Pensieve was hidden.
"No."
Snape stilled and glanced over his shoulder. "I beg your pardon?"
Harry looked up in determination. He would not allow Snape to give up on him.
"I'm not going to leave this room until I have made at least some progress," he said.
Snape stared at him with a slight frown.
"Please, Professor. Is there nothing else I could try to make this work? Any other method?" Harry inquired pleadingly.
A flicker of emotion crossed Snape's features before he turned his back towards Harry and leaned his hands on his desk. Harry waited for the Professor to formulate a reply.
"You are able to throw of the Imperius Curse, correct?" Snape said after a while.
Harry blinked in surprise at the sudden change of subject.
"Er, yes sir."
"And you have performed non-verbal spells," Snape said thoughtfully.
Harry wasn't sure if it was a question that needed answering so he quietly mumbled another "yes, sir."
There was a long silence. Harry got up from the floor and wearily stared at Snape's back, wondering if the man was ever going to turn around and tell him off.
Snape heaved a frustrated sigh and finally turned around.
"By all accounts, you should have no problems with this Potter," Snape said, "Throwing off an Imperius Curse takes a great amount of mental strength, which is what you need to be able to occlude. That and the nonverbal spells seemingly come easy to you, even though they should not be, especially at your age. What I don't understand is how you can be so capable of the one, yet be so incredibly inept at the other?"
Harry was shocked to find there was some form of compliment hidden between those lines. He considered Snape's line of thought. Why was he so bad at Occlumency?
"Sir, I don't think the Imperius Curse and Legilimency have quite the same effect and therefore don't work the same for me."
"Explain."
"It's just that, with Legilimency and Occlumency there are memories involved. That's not the case with the Imperius Curse."
Snape crossed his arms and considered his student.
"You can conjure a Patronus, yes?"
Harry nodded.
"That requires mental focus and involves memories."
Harry looked away. "A Patronus requires happy memories."
Realization dawned on Snape's face.
"Even if you would do better if we focused on more pleasant memories, the Dark Lord will focus on your darker ones. You need to be able to repel those attacks, or these lessons won't do any good."
Snape looked thoughtfully at Harry, black eyes boring into his and Harry held back a squirm.
"Go back to your dormitory, Potter," Snape said eventually.
"But, sir-"
"Potter, It's late and I still have much work to do," Snape snapped, his calm demeanor gone. He walked to the door and held it open, waiting impatiently for Harry to exit his office.
Harry pursed his lips, feeling deflated at the sudden dismissal, but made his way to the door. As he passed Snape a firm hand on his shoulder stopped him. He looked up at Snape questionably.
"I will think about other methods over the weekend, Potter. I'll see you back here Monday evening, same time. Try to clear your mind before bed."
With that Snape steered Harry out of his office and shut the door behind him. Harry looked back at the door with a frown on his face and with his mouth hanging open in disbelieving awe. He replayed the last thing Snape had uttered before the loud thud of the door signaled it closed. He felt the corners of his mouth curl up in a slight smile. As he walked back to Gryffindor Tower, he couldn't help but feel a little victorious.
Ron and Hermione sat waiting for him as they had all week and immediately asked how his first Occlumency lesson went.
"I was a disaster, unsurprisingly," Harry said while rubbing his temples in an attempt to rid himself of the lingering headache the lesson had spurred on.
"Oh Harry, just give it time. I'm sure it will get better," Hermione replied in concern.
"I'm not going to give up, Hermione. Not this time. Besides, Snape said he would look into some different methods of learning Occlumency."
Hermione sat up at that.
"He said that?"
"Yeah, just as I was about to leave."
"Harry, that's saying a lot if he's willing to change his tactics for you."
Harry leaned back in the chair and heaved a sigh. "We'll see. I'm not sure I'll like any tactic Snape can come up with."
"With your luck, it will turn out to be even more gruesome than you have had to endure so far," Ron said darkly.
"Don't be daft. Snape is a teacher and probably just as frustrated with the lack of progress as you are Harry," Hermione said, "no offense."
Harry waved it away, not holding his own progress in high regards either.
"And he has Dumbledore breathing down his neck too," Ron said thoughtfully.
"He had that last year as well, but that didn't make it any better," Harry replied.
"Well, you have to admit, Dumbledore was reticent and uncommunicative last year."
"True," is all Harry said to that, knowing exactly why Dumbledore had been so restrained then.
"Well, I'm just glad that you and Snape are finally both trying to get this to work," Hermione said, ending the conversation before they headed to bed.
Harry pulled the blankets up and cleared his mind as much as he could before closing his eyes. He was still a little skeptical but, like Hermione, a part of him felt confident that he and Snape could finally make this work.
---
"Albus, this isn't going to work."
The old headmaster was seated comfortably in an armchair in front of the fire and looked up smiling as the youngest member of his staff entered his office with a frustrated sigh.
"Good evening, Severus. Have a seat, will you?"
Severus sat down hard and looked at his mentor and old friend.
"What can I help you with?"
"You can help by taking over Potter's Occlumency tutorage, like you should have done in the first place."
"Why, Severus, I was under the impression that you had come to terms with Harry's decision," Albus replied jovially.
Severus just raised an eyebrow at him, communicating what a ridiculous thought that was.
"What exactly is it that you are having trouble with?" Albus continued in his infuriatingly calm manner.
"The boy is a mess. He was just as inadequate as he was last year," Severus said with feeling.
"My boy, give it time. Like I said, I know Harry will try his best this time and that conviction has not left me."
"I'm not sure his best is good enough," Severus said thoughtfully.
"Severus-"
"No, I don't mean that I doubt his effort," Severus said quickly and then let out a sigh. "The boy is unable to detach himself from the memories and emotions that dwell inside him. Once I'm inside his mind, dark memories rise up automatically, without any effort on my part to pull them forth. And once in the throes of those memories, he is unable to shake them off."
"Do you know why?" Albus asked, though Severus had the distinct feeling the headmaster already knew the answer.
"He has had some very... trying experiences in his life. The memories of those events and the feelings that accompany them are holding him back. He has not come to terms with them and therefore lacks the power to get rid of them and force me out of his mind."
Severus looked away from the headmaster and stared at the dancing flames, thinking about his forays into Potter's mind.
"Each time I go in, I am engulfed in his emotions. Feelings of anger, fear, grief and guilt are always on the forefront of his mind."
"Things you yourself are not unfamiliar with," Albus hinted calmly.
Severus looked up sharply. "I'm not his therapist, Albus."
"No, but you are his teacher. And as his teacher you have found out a hurdle in his education, one you both must go over in order to proceed towards the goal of having him master the mental arts."
"I'm hardly the right person for that."
"On the contrary, there is no one better suited to get Harry where he needs to be."
At Severus' sceptical look he elaborated. "You and Harry are not so different, even though you might not see that yet. You have had similar experiences and are well-acquainted with the emotions you just described to me. I daresay you're still experiencing some of them at present." Albus looked pointedly at Severus over his half-moon glasses and Severus averted his eyes. Albus smiled sadly at him.
"I have always admired your resilience, Severus. You have the capacity to recover quickly from tough and difficult times. On the outside. On the inside, I know, you have not come to terms with everything yourself. And that makes you and Harry alike. You both have journeys to embark on and it will empower you both to take that journey together. And I trust you to take the lead."
"You ask too much. I'm not cut out for this, Albus," Severus said in a near whisper with a hint of desperation.
"My dear boy," Albus said with fondness, "you must know how highly I think of you. I truly have every confidence in you. I won't say it'll be easy. But I promise you, things will not look so bleary a few months from now."
Severus pursed his lips, not quite believing the headmaster but trusting his judgement all the same.
Albus stood up and Severus followed suit out of habit. Albus put his hand on the young man's shoulder and squeezed it in reassurance.
"And if you are ever in doubt, or in need of guidance yourself, never hesitate to knock at my door."
With that Albus steered him out of the office, bade him goodnight and closed the door.
Chapter 13 Occlumency