Sinking your Sorrows and Raising your Joys by WiCeBa

“What am I supposed to do with this?” Severus asked as he rubbed his thumb over the soft fabric Minerva had given him. He could hardly tell what it was. It looked thick enough to be a jumper, but came attached to legs and a tail.

“Give it to Harry, of course.” Minerva said with a smile. She shook off a rain-damp overcoat and hung it over the rack as stepped around her desk. “I was in Hogsmeade for an appointment at The Tailors today and had a bit of time to spare, and I thought to myself, Harry really only has a school uniform and a few tops—”

Severus held the garment up. “And felt this would be a suitable addition?”

“Don’t you think he’d love a little lion onesie?” Minerva asked as she took the fabric from Severus and turned it over in order to hold it up correctly. Two fluffy ears appeared from within a small ruffled hood and dangled off the neck of the piece, while its long tail fell just below a set of pink paw prints that had been stamped onto its feet.

“It’s in all the catalogues, he’ll no doubt know what it is. It's all fleece, and quite warm too, many children wear them to bed.” Minerva said as she tilted it left and right. “There was a dolphin option as well, but well, how could I resist the lion?”

“He—” Severus started before stopping abruptly.

Harry hadn’t said anything about needing more outfits. Should Severus have asked?

How many outfits did a child need? Minerva hadn’t commented on the state of Harry’s wardrobe when she’d last seen it, so why had she begun to worry now? Severus, himself only had a few pairs of trousers and a handful of tops to match, not including his robes, but of those, he only had one for day wear and another for winter.

The small closet in Harry’s room flickered into his thoughts and he mentally plucked through its contents.

He counted out two, slightly large tops he would grow into, a school uniform, a pair of jeans and khaki trousers, a thick jumper, one shrunken set of pyjamas from the Hospital Wing, the coat Severus had transfigured for him, and his pants and socks. That was hardly less than what Severus had to wear, and about the same amount he’d had growing up. Severus could admit to having longed for a few more outfits when he’d been small, if he was being honest with himself, but it had little to do with vanity or his wants, and far more to do with cleanliness.

He clenched his jaw and stared once more at the soft fabric in Minerva’s hands.

He could easily imagine Harry enjoying the texture. Severus had little experience or understanding with what children wanted, but he knew Harry coveted the soft things. Whenever the two of them had time to sit together and read, Harry always rushed off to grab the grey blanket from the sitting room. He only ever chose that blanket, regardless of where they sat down to read, and claimed it was the softest one in the flat. Severus agreed, though he hadn’t ever given it much thought. He hadn’t given much thought to Harry’s behaviour either, and put it down to him finding comfort in a routine.

It’d taken Severus several days to realize Harry had taken to hiding other blankets.

He only ever hid one or two at a time and likely hoped Severus wouldn’t notice such a low number missing. Severus went looking for them once when Harry had lunch with Minerva and found one hiding in the linen closet surrounded by towels, and another in the coat closet, wrapped clumsily, if carefully, in scarves.

It seemed harmless enough, despite its oddity, and they weren’t being ruined, so Severus hadn’t felt the need to bring it up.

“Are you worried he’ll want a different animal?” Minerva asked, after Severus neglected to respond.

Severus blinked from his thoughts. “He is rather attached to his doe.”

“Oh,” Minerva hummed before pursing her lips and squinting at the small garment. “Well that’s easily fixed, would you hold it up for me?”

Severus stepped backwards and held it an arms length away for Minerva. He wasn’t sure why, but he felt far safer when he had as little physical contact with the item as possible. He’d never felt so unsure about an article of clothing, especially when there wasn’t an offending stitch sewn into it.

“It’s a light brown doe, is that correct?” Minerva asked. “No dappling?”

“Correct.” Severus said with a nod.

Minerva waved her wand with an artful flourish, making the fabric beneath Severus’s fingers give a small shiver. The ruffles over the hood flattened and blended together as the little ears widened into something more recognizable, while the long tail shrank upwards until a small fluffy tail replaced it. Even the pink paw prints fell away before creating the appearance of hooves.

A soft smile curved around Minerva’s lips. “I know better than to expect children to love everything you give them,” She said as she ran her fingers over the fabric. “But I do hope he likes it. If he hates it, don’t think twice before sending it back to me.” She said with a firm nod. “I won’t be upset.”

Severus stared at the outfit and forced himself to bring it closer. He couldn’t be sure, but it almost felt as if the doe was more worrying to touch than the lion. Perhaps it was because the outfit was such a gimmick, rather than a conventional article of clothing? Harry couldn’t wear it out around Hogsmeade, or even the dungeons. The small feet had protective pads, but would become too easily ruined if it were worn anywhere outside of his flat.

“Does he have very many toys yet?” Minerva asked before stepping back to lean against her desk.

“Aside from his doe, and your toys and books, no.” Severus answered as he carefully packed the outfit into his book bag. He tried to avoid touching it more than necessary, but accidentally brushed a hand over one of its wide ears.

Minerva clicked her tongue.

“He’s with Rubeus at the moment, I’m sure he’ll arrive home with more than one way to entertain himself.” Severus said with a lazy wave.

“Well,” Minerva raised a concerned eyebrow at him. “You may want to ensure nothing living comes home with him, unless you’re open to it. I once complimented Rubeus on a rug near his fireplace and he found me a similar one less than a week later.” Minerva turned around and stepped slowly toward her own fireplace. “Lovely craftsmanship, excellent quality,” She reached upwards and pulled open a small jar before tugging out a chunk of red meat. “Quite a gift.” She added before dropping the meat near the edge of a patterned Angora rug.

A neat seam in the rug split open to reveal a small mouth with rows of sharp teeth inside. Its patterned fabric wrinkled as it sniffed around for its dinner before freezing with an inhuman stillness.

“If I’d known he wasn’t just a rug, I’d have planned ahead and had meals prepared. Poor thing, he didn’t eat for three days. I only found out I needed to feed him when Rubeus asked me if I’d noticed if he had any intolerance to chocolate.”

The rug pounced and landed squarely on his meal.

“I doubt the lack of information was intentional,” Minerva said with a smile. “Rubeus just forgets we’re not all as well rounded with creatures as he is.” She added before waving at the rug. “I named him Dangerous Dai, after the chaser from the Caerphilly Catapults. I'm quite fond of him, despite the confusion.” She added before brushing a bit of ash away from the rug.

Severus grunted in agreement. He couldn’t decide if he’d rather take the rug back home to Harry, or onesie. At least the rug was as pleasing to look at as it was utilitarian. The onesie was worlds away from anything remotely resembling utilitarian.

“I doubt he would offer Harry anything too difficult to care for,” Minerva said as she twisted around once more to look at Severus. “Perhaps a glow bug would be a nice friend to have?”

“He already has a collection of lights,” Severus said, glad to finally have a chance to remark on something he felt successful about. “Several lamps, along with his Little Lights.” Harry was quite taken with his Little Lights. Severus had been unsure of how Harry would react when the lamps eventually returned to their rightful places following his nightmares, and in a bid to keep his happiness high, he’d charmed small lights to cascade down from the ceiling.

Without any other terminology to rely on, Harry named them Little Lights and sat beneath them for some time every day.

A quiet sadness washed over Minerva’s face, but rather than sharing where her mind had gone, she kept to herself. Severus knew how Minerva’s face changed when she thought of Harry’s parents though, and even more so, when she thought of Potter. Severus had no interest in listening to anecdotes about him. As far as he was concerned, unless Harry was present, his father never needed to be brought up.

“Well, let me know how he feels about the onesie,” Minerva said quietly. She brightened considerably as she turned and looked up at him. “And if he’d like to go shopping for anything else, and you’re busy, let me know. I wouldn’t mind taking him.”

Severus nodded and waved goodbye before making his way toward the grounds.

He debated how to address the gift with Harry in a way that would make it obvious the onesie was for him, which was a rather difficult task, despite sounding ridiculous. Before Harry had come into his life, Severus believed any child who failed to recognize an item so clearly advertised for them, would’ve been helpless. However, he’d recently discovered that when he tried to give Harry obvious children’s items, Harry reacted by trying to put them away.

It happened to the children’s starter quills, and parchment Severus found in the staff room. He’d given them to Harry yesterday morning hoping he’d enjoy drawing, and found them still blank and neatly stacked on top of Severus’s desk within the hour.

The very same occurred when Severus brewed colour and texture changing potions for Harry to play with one evening. He’d left the sitting room after handing the bottles to Harry, only to return and find them unopened and lined up near his potion’s cabinet.

The doe was the only toy he acknowledged as his. He never let it out of his sight.

He walked through the chilly courtyard and passed by groups of students in brightly coloured, flimsy windbreakers before heading toward the winding stone stairs, where he heard Harry’s voice echoing from down the hill.

“Can I give her one?” Harry asked.

“Sure ya can,” Rubeus answered in a bright voice. “Don’t worry about the pieces being too large, she’ll eat ‘em in whatever way she can get ‘em.”

Severus fervently hoped Rubeus hadn’t thought to donate a large animal.

“Don’t worry none about being too near her, either.” He heard Rubeus say as he rounded the hill and caught sight of Harry standing before a massive English Mastiff. He looked nervous about being so close, but remained near her in spite of his worry. One hand clutched his doe to his chest while the other wobbled nearer and nearer to the dog. “She’s gentle as they come. Her owner’s lookin’ to keep that trait in the family.”

“You can keep traits in families?” Harry asked as he looked upwards at Rubeus.

“Well sure, if ya get one that’s kinder than the rest, best to keep hold of it.” Rubeus said as he helped pull apart a large looking flank of steak. “If ya’ breed ‘em with another dog that’s kinder than he is mean, you’ll get kinder pups for it.”

“Intending on fostering dogs, Rubeus?” Severus asked as he stopped just before Rubeus’s garden.

“Oh, Professor Snape!” Rubeus said with a friendly wave. “No, I haven’t the heart for it, but a friend of mine does, I’m watching her dog for the week.” He said as he turned toward Harry. “Go on and introduce her to Professor Snape, just like we practiced.” He said in a loud whisper.

Harry twisted around and picked his way through a crowded, viney tangle of pumpkins, aubergines and courgettes. He stopped just before Severus and smiled shyly. “This is Patricia.” He said as he waved for the dog to come nearer.

Patricia lumbered forward and nudged Harry with her nose before dropping her head heavily onto his muddy trainers as she laid down.

“Oh, she’s supposed to lick your hand and sniff you.” Harry said as he wobbled and tried to pull Patricia upwards, while she still laid on his feet. “She’s, erm, she’s probably just tired.” He said after giving up and giving Severus an apologetic look.

“How pleased I am to make her acquaintance.” Severus said softly. Something in his chest ached at how quickly Harry tried to cheer Severus up in the face of the dog’s behaviour.

Harry rubbed his hands over her head and ears and tried to encourage her onto her feet once more, but she was determined to nap in the mud.

“How are you, Rubeus?” Severus asked after it became apparent Harry’s attention had wandered.

“Well, very well, thanks,” Rubeus smiled. “Harry and I were tending to the garden and found ourselves a new variety of bug. I think you’ll find them very interesting, hard-shelled little things. I don’t believe I’ve seen ‘em before, I think they might’ve stowed away in a crate of slug repellent?”

If he had the time, Severus felt sure he and Rubeus could’ve chatted for a while longer about the species of insect, both in terms of their usefulness to potions and the surrounding grounds, but Severus nodded instead to the sky and reigned in his curiosity. An oppressive thundercloud loomed overhead and seemed likely to cut any conversation short.

“I shall have to come out another day and chat with you.” Severus said as he looked upwards. “Harry and I should be inside before this hits, I believe.”

Several chattering students wandered near them, but Severus’s presence kept them from coming too close. It led him to wonder how many had stopped to see Harry, and how many had been polite in their curiosity, opposed to those who gawked.

“That’s had us runnin’ in and of the house at the drop of a hat, it has.” Rubeus said before turning toward Harry. “Let’s get you set to leave straight away then.” He plucked two faded, but crisp photographs from beneath a heavy stone on the front porch and crept carefully around his garden until he caught up to Harry. “Best not forget these, I’ll write you a letter with all the stories we talked about today,” He said as he knelt in the mud next to Patricia. “So you won’t have to worry about forgetting details.”

Thunder rolled overhead as Rubeus laid the photographs alongside a small item in Harry’s hands. Severus cast a subtly impervious charm on the photographs and dearly hoped Rubeus hadn’t left him with anything living, as Minerva’s rug flickered into his thoughts and visions of his destroyed flat quickly followed.

“He’s just small, I carved him from oak.” Rubeus said after catching Severus’s gaze.

Harry twisted a small carving in his hands and whispered a quiet, ‘thank you’ before giving Rubeus the best hug he was capable of with the dog still laying over his feet.

Rubeus helped pull Patricia upwards and stood, allowing Harry a chance to climb from the mud and make his way over to Severus. He waved at them until they rounded the hill and his garden and home disappeared from sight.

As they trekked back to the castle, a drizzle of rain scattered over them and quickly grew in speed and size until it built into a downpour. It washed over the stone steps, leaving a slippery, muddy slide in its place, which more than one student fell prey to as they rushed to climb them and get indoors. Severus longed to berate them for panicking about something as harmless as rain, but he couldn’t very well judge them for clumsiness, not when Harry stumbled just as often.

A small pile of students slid atop a thin stone slab, and fell multiple times as they hiked over it, leading Severus to reach down and tug Harry up into his arms as visions of him cracking his head open against the rocks flickered into his mind.

They found themselves in the Entrance Hall in a short amount of time, trailing muddy footprints with anyone else unlucky enough to have been caught outside.

Harry’s teeth chattered as he sniffled and rubbed the rain from his eyes while a growing crowd of interested children began surrounding them. Severus longed to cast several warming charms and drying spells on him, but given how much time Harry spent exploring outside today, he doubted any amount of magic would truly chase the chill from his bones. A bath, or fire would be far more helpful.

More and more eyes landed on them as they walked, making Harry sneak his rain-damp doe upwards near his face to act as a makeshift shield.

A soaked Hufflepuff brightened as Severus turned their way on his route toward the dungeons. “Is that Harry Po—”

“Don’t!” One of their housemates lunged forward and snagged their sleeve before tugging them away. “My brother’s in Slytherin. He said you’ll get detention if you ask.” They said with a theatrical pout.

Severus sneered.

Two days ago, Albus calmly announced Harry’s continued presence at Hogwarts and requested students be respectful and kind. However, within ten minutes of his announcement, Severus had been asked about Harry by no less than 14 students. The 15th student to ask received detention for ‘inappropriately prying into the private lives of others’, along with the 16th, 17th, and the 18th student. Severus almost expected to make it to 20, but by some small miracle, he hadn’t.

The excitement humming through the crowd dulled into bleak disappointment before thinning enough for Severus to push his way to the entrance to the dungeons. He slipped down the dank steps and through the narrow passageways until the front door to his flat appeared, where he whispered the password and stepped inside with a thankful sigh.

“Did you have a nice time at Mr Hagrid’s?” Severus asked as he gently set Harry onto his feet and dropped his book bag onto the floor next to him.

Harry nodded and rubbed at his eyes again.

“He didn’t give you anything living, did he?” Severus asked as he shook off his cloak and helped Harry pull his coat and trainers free. He idly caught sight of the photographs safely hidden from the rain within Harry’s jacket and noted Lily’s smiling face. “From what I saw, it was a carving.” He hoped again for Rubeus to have refrained from giving a five year old anything needing care.

“It’s a dog.” Harry said, sniffling again. “Just like Patricia, but I don’t think it’s alive.” He added before pulling the small carving from his pocket and holding it little ways away from his chest as he showed Severus. It looked quite a bit like the dog from the garden, though it had a wider snout and shorter ears. “Mr Hagrid said he’d carve me a cat too, so I could have a few to play with.”

Severus paused as he watched Harry carefully look over the small toy. It didn’t look as if he misinterpreted the gift, especially not after having acknowledged it as a toy.

He knew Rubeus’s behaviour around the exchange had a role to play in Harry’s acknowledgement of the toy, though he hadn’t truly appreciated the display for what it was. It had been strikingly similar to how Severus behaved when he’d gifted Harry the doe, though Severus still felt internally horrified with himself for having been so unsure at the time. Afterwards, In a bid to regain his confidence, he began treating Harry’s care as unquestionable and so utterly intrinsic to his life, that to stand on ceremony, or consider his own emotions in the face of any of his needs, would be seen as an infringement. He’d shoved every worried, guilty, grief-stricken feeling into a lock box and hid it in the back of his mind.

Harry needed a starter quill, and as such, he’d have one. The same went for educational toys, like the colour and texture changing potions.

The lock box presented its own share of difficulties however.

Even the briefest acknowledgement of emotions involved in caring for Harry broke it open and left Severus feeling choked and unsure, with guilt and grief crashing over him, no matter how much time had passed since he’d last slammed it shut and reburied it. He tried to be responsible, and clear headed when it came to his responsibilities, but he would never know if Lily approved of his actions, or if she actually wanted him anywhere near her son.

Harry would never know what she wanted either, thanks to Severus.

Transfiguring the doe and dancing around Lily’s memory had hurt more than Severus anticipated, though in its own strange way, sharing stories about her with Harry hurt less than when he’d tried to share them with Minerva, or Filius. He couldn’t bear to bring her up around either of them.

Perhaps that was because he knew Lily had wanted Harry to know her. She would’ve been delighted to learn how similar they were. She would’ve been proud of him.

Harry looked quite a bit like her at this age, and acted more like her than Severus had been prepared for. He’d been too shocked to comment when Harry showed the same talent in charms as her, after having created starflowers in his bedroom. Severus should’ve anticipated his kindness as well, but it hadn’t been readily apparent until he thanked Molly Weasley for taking the time to teach him, despite the fight that’d broken out amongst her children and Severus’s clear displeasure with them.

Harry had every right to dislike the Weasley children, and if he were meant to model Severus’s behavior, as children were, acting similarly rudely wouldn’t have been odd. Severus almost put Harry’s actions down to politeness and Tuney’s impact, with how she valued etiquette, but then, Harry hadn’t only been polite.

He’d been kind.

“Why?” Harry asked. “Has Mr Hagrid ever given you anything living?”

Severus cleared his throat and guided Harry toward the bathroom. “No, however, in his kindness, Mr Hagrid has a tendency to forget that not everyone enjoys receiving pets they aren’t prepared to care for.”

“He told me pets are just friends that don’t always speak English.” Harry said. He stepped carefully over the floor runners and seemed determined to drip on them as little as possible.

Somehow, Severus could see the logic in his statement. He felt similarly about books, though the ones he chose often came in English.

“The same could be said of toys,” Severus said as they entered the bathroom. “They’re far less likely to come to harm, and easier to care for.” He added before pulling down several towels from the linen cupboard. He caught sight of Harry’s eyes tracking over the bottom shelf and carefully kept his attention to the top shelves just in case Harry worried too much about his hiding place being found. “I would say you could towel off, but I doubt exploring Mr Hagrid’s garden was a clean way to spend the afternoon. I would rather you bathe now and avoid catching a cold, or the flu.”

Harry’s eyebrows pinched together and his nose wrinkled as he looked himself over.

“The bathroom is charmed if you wanted to try to do it on your own,” Severus said as he flicked his wand over the room and reminded himself of how protected the room was. Albus and Filius had seen to those charms themselves, worried as they were for children with access to bathtubs and razors. “Unless you would like help?”

A slight hesitancy flickered over Harry’s face, but he nodded and handed his doe to Severus before freeing himself from his muddy jeans and damp jumper. They hadn’t quite worked out a comfortable routine around bathing, but as with most physical tasks, it was apparent what steps needed to be taken.

He rolled up his sleeves and found himself idly compiling a list of needs he had yet to satisfy while he filled the tub and helped Harry lather his hair.

Harry needed to begin attending school again, and though Severus doubted the Weasley’s were a reasonable weekly solution, Harry had expressed an interest in visiting with the two younger Weasley children. Severus bit back against an ironic smile at the thought of one of Harry’s most pressing issues being a lack of education when he lived in a school. More than one professor had offered to tutor him, but Severus knew that would be difficult when they had hundreds of other students to concern themselves with. Harry should be around other young people anyway.

Severus waved his wand over the water and enjoyed the small amount of pride trickling through him as Harry excitedly explored the glittery colours circling within the water.

Procuring bath toys would probably be a smart choice. Severus couldn’t help but wonder how Harry would react to them and whether or not he would understand they were his. Minerva’s offer to shop for him rang in his ears, and he idly recalled the onesie he’d packed into his book bag little less than an hour ago.

If there were ever a time to bundle into a warm, soft fabric, it would be just after a bath.

He swallowed heavily. He still didn’t know why the outfit bothered him so much, especially considering how he wasn’t about to wear it, nor was anyone about to tease Harry if it turned out he liked it.

Rubeus’s kind manner bloomed in his thoughts, and Severus thought of how thankful Harry had been to receive the toy carving and photographs. Severus didn’t need to gush about the onesie’s features or encourage Harry to like it, in order for him to realize an item was meant for him. He just needed to emulate Rubeus.

He’d already done exactly that once before, when he gave Harry the doe, though he wanted to avoid the feelings it’d brought about. Rubeus hadn’t clawed through waves of grief by giving Harry photographs though, or if he had, Severus hadn’t noticed.

He longed to be as calm and weightless as Rubeus at that moment, and bitter jealousy burned through him as the thought of how easily Rubeus had been able to not only give Harry photos, but to also share memories. He seemed innately aware that the people depicted in photographs were more important than the photograph themselves, though Severus had yet to accept the same conclusion.

The lock box rattled in the back of his mind.

The onesie had nothing to do with Lily in the first place, so all of Severus’s discomfort was entirely imagined. An imagined fear couldn't come close to a real one.

Severus cleared his throat as he finished helping Harry rinse the soap off. “Let’s get you dried off,” He said as he pulled down a large towel. “And afterwards, I have a gift for you, from Minnie.”

Curiosity lit up in Harry as Severus wrapped him in a towel, collected his doe, and led him out into the hallway. Harry glanced confusedly between his bedroom and Severus when they passed by it, but didn’t question why they hadn’t gone inside. His small feet poked out from beneath the towel, making Severus wish he’d thought to bring his book bag into the bathroom, rather than lead Harry onto cold stone flooring.

The tab on Severus’s book bag popped open and he shoved past his discomfort at touching the soft fabric as he knelt and pulled the outfit free. “It’s,” He began before a thick lump lodged itself in his throat. “Pyjamas.”

Harry’s fingers clenched around the hem of the towel. His eyes raked over it before he reached a nervous finger out and gently brushed over the fleece.

Severus felt his shoulders relaxing unconsciously at the reaction, as Harry had repeated the same gesture with the grey blanket in the sitting room each time he used it. Minerva would be delighted to discover Harry enjoyed her gift. “Would you like to try it on?”

Harry nodded wildly and eagerly trailed behind Severus as they maneuvered toward his bedroom. The lump in Severus’s throat tightened after Harry bumped into his legs twice, though Severus couldn’t bring himself to react with his usual annoyance. Harry had yet to take his eyes off the outfit and it would be quite difficult to look where he was going when he couldn’t seem to break away from staring.

It took them several minutes before Harry was fully dressed, given how difficult Harry found it to sit still while Severus helped him fully dry off and zip up the outfit.

He cast several warming and impervious charms over the fabric before deeming Harry dressed, handing him his doe and following him out into the sitting room, where Harry thanked him several times before quickly finding one of the books Minerva gave to him.

“Can I read with you?” Harry asked as he held ‘The Wizard and the Hopping Pot’ up.

Severus nodded and dropped onto the sofa while Harry tugged the grey blanket free and pushed it against Severus.

Perhaps the truth behind Severus’s aversion to the onesie lay buried in the lock box beneath his grief. He could admit to himself though, after having learnt of Harry’s love for the outfit, that seeing him snuggled comfortably into his new pyjamas, beside him on the sofa with his doe and book, would’ve been something Lily wanted. Her son’s happiness was more important than Severus’s guilt. The onesie and Harry’s delight in it, may as well have been made in her image.

It seemed as if it was always meant to come to him. Her death only postponed its arrival.

He brushed a careful hand over the fleece hood and wondered when the lump had disappeared from his throat as he quietly began reading aloud to Harry.