A Potion's Miracle by Maraudering

“Miss Parkinson, thank you for joining me,” Severus said, smirking darkly at the girl who stood nervously in front of his desk. It was Friday evening and he was overseeing her detention for daring to throw an object into Harry and Neville’s cauldron, “Please, take a seat,” he said, gesturing to the hard wooden chair which she sat in.
“Now, would you mind telling me what you threw into Harry and Neville’s cauldron, and why?” he said, his voice dangerously low.
She stayed silent, her face becoming impassive.
“No. Okay. I may be going out of the castle tomorrow, but I am very happy to stay here all night, or until you answer my questions. I told everyone at the beginning of the class to not throw anything into another cauldron. To not verge from the recipe. I told you all that any mistake or tampering could be fatal. You would think that a thirteen year old would understand that. That a thirteen year old would know right, from wrong, and be able to focus on something so dangerous. I have never had an accident on such a scale in this class before. And to think that it is because one of my own students wanted to ruin someone else’s potion-”
“Everyone is alive, aren’t they?” she spat.
“Just. Harry was going to die. He would have died had I not been near enough to him for my bearer magic to kick in. And if he had died, you would be expelled, with your wand snapped, at the very least. But now it is up to me to decide what to do with you, and in order for me to do that I need to know why you did it. Was it just meant to be a stupid little prank? Or did you intend to harm two students in my class to the point where they, and others, including myself and yourself, could have died?” he was stern, his eyes glaring darkly at her as she stared just as darkly back.
And all he got was silence.
“Look, Pansy, you’re a smart girl. I know you have the brains to listen to your teachers, and the brains to make a decent potion. You know that when I tell you something is dangerous, then you shouldn’t do it. I know you don’t particularly like me. I know it’s not your fault, really, your parents have raised you in a certain way, to believe certain things. But whether or not you like me doesn’t matter, I am your teacher. I am the Potion’s Master of this school, the youngest Potion’s Master Europe has seen in decades. You may not like me, but you should still respect me enough to listen to my warnings. So why? Why did you do something that almost led to the death of one of your classmates?” he was dangerously quiet throughout his speech, his eyes darker than usual, an eyebrow raised as he stared at her.
She smirked at him, “Maybe I wanted to kill him, both of them,”
His eyes widened fractionally, “Why?”
“From what I’ve heard, the Dark Lord has almost come back to life two times already. It isn’t hard to assume that one day he will succeed. If the two boys he wanted gone are dead then the only major threat to him is Dumbledore, and the old coot is old and frail as is, so he isn’t really much of a threat, is he? And if he finds out that I was the one to dispose of the two boys, well, I myself and my family will rise through the ranks like no other. We will have everything we desire once we have truly taken over. Maybe I should have gotten rid of you, too. Or tried, too. Since you clearly aren’t loyal. You have the perfect opportunity to kill the boy who downed our Lord, and you aren’t taking it. You also have the perfect opportunity to kill the other boy the Prophecy spoke of, now that he trusts you, and you aren’t going to take that, either,” she raised her own eyebrow at him, smirking in triumph.
“Did it ever occur to you, Miss Parkinson, that this is also the perfect opportunity to make sure the boys who were prophesied to kill the Dark Lord, won’t kill him? To convert them to his side? To turn them away from the Light so that two children don’t have to die for the cause to succeed. The Dark Lord always hated killing children, when he was sane. You would know that if you actually listened to any of the talk going through the circles your parents have you involved in,
“However, there is more to life than the Dark Lord. Things that are a lot more important. You can’t do anything for him if you don’t have a wand, and if you had succeeded in your attempt you wouldn’t have one. But the fact that you have just admitted to me that you tried to actively kill my sons… Do you know the power of bearers? Especially angry ones?”
“You can’t do anything to me,” she said, crossing her arms.
“Hm, maybe. But I can put you in detention for the rest of the year. I can give you the most horrible of tasks to do, without the aid of magic since you so carelessly risked being able to use your magic. Or I can suspend you, for the rest of the year. Then you can come back next September, hopefully having thought things through, to re-do your third year. I would expel you outright, I mean attempted murder is an outrageous actual crime. But you are a child, and I think that, given the opportunity to learn about the world as it truly is, all of the world, and everyone in it, you could benefit greatly. You’re a smart kid, when you try and use that brain of yours, and I would hate to see you waste that talent because you are being forced into something bigger than you, something more than what you, and any other child in this country, deserves,” Severus said sincerely.
“I’m not being forced,” she said fiercely, and yet he could see something in her eyes.
“You are a child. You have no place in the inevitable war. None of the students in this school do. Not even Harry and Neville. And yet people, be it your own family, or the other staff members in this place, are going to try and drag you in. They already are trying to drag you in. But I am not going to let that happen anymore. I am going to work with all of the students so that they know they don’t have to do this. I want to keep you all safe. But I can’t do that if you pull stunts like this. You are thirteen years old. The only things you have to do are your school work, making friends; proper friends, ones who will always have your back, ones who care for you; and figuring out the things you enjoy, the things you want to do in your life,
“If people are trying to drag you in, that is their problem, not yours, but I am going to do whatever I can to keep you out of it, so long as you let me help you. And I can only do that if you are here. So, take the detentions, I can promise you that they won’t all be terrible, but I will be using them as an opportunity to teach you. First of all about the people of this world, about magic, about our past. Secondly, self-defence, both magical and muggle self-defence. You aren’t the only one who will be involved in either of those lessons, but they will happen at the time of some of your detentions. Obviously I am unable to physically teach self-defence at the moment, but I have others who will help us. I just… I just need you to trust that I want you safe, that I want all of you safe, and I don’t want us to get to the point of war. Myself and others are working against both sides, we are working to protect the people. I’m not going to drag you into it, but I do want you to know the truth of the world, and how to protect yourself, and others, should it be needed. So let me help you, or I will have to send you home and I don’t want that for you,” he said, again both fierce gentle, somehow.
He was angry, yes. But she was also a child, a child with no choice, no voice but the ones her family forces on her. He wanted to help though, and he would help any of the students that he could.
“You deserve to know all sides of everything. You deserve to know everything that matters. Not just the bits whatever side wants you to know. You deserve to be able to defend yourself and those you care for from whatever comes your way, whether it be something you actually wanted to be a part of or not. And you deserve to be a child. You do not deserve to have to make these kinds of decisions for your family. You do not deserve to have to throw your life away for an organisation that won’t win, the Light or the Dark. Neither of them can win. And neither of them will win. So, again, let me help you with detentions and lessons, and whatever else you need, or I will have to send you away, even if only for the rest of the year. Then there is nothing that I will be able to do,”
She swallowed thickly, “Why should I? If I go against them… They’re my family,”
“I know. I know they’re your family. I know you love them. Or you feel like you’re supposed to. But they have no right to force their own thoughts, and ways, on you. They have no right to drag you into a war when you are still a child. They have no right to hurt you like that. If you fight in a war, for them, and you die, will they truly care? Will they see the error of their ways? Or will they be proud that you died for them and their cause, when you should never have been in that situation in the first place? What if you get injured? Majorly so? Will they care so long as your life has just been drastically altered because you were fighting for them? If you go to Azkaban because you tried killing a student, will they care so long as it is a child they hate for no reasonable reason? You are their only daughter, and they either want you to take the Dark Mark and throw your life away, or marry a rich Pureblooded man and bear as many children as you can. Children that they will force you to force into the same life. What do you want, Pansy? Do you want that life for yourself? For your possible future children, grandchildren? Do you want to remain in this cycle? Or do you want to break it?”
“I want to break it,” she whispered, and he smiled gently at her.
“Good. You will have your detentions every Friday for the rest of the school year. When I am on maternity leave someone else will oversee them, but only someone I trust. The lessons will be once a month unless I say otherwise. At least for now, I have a lot going on at the moment,” he raised an eyebrow at her and she nodded in understanding and acceptance, “Your first proper detention will be next Friday, I am out of the castle tomorrow, and for some of Sunday, but I will be hosting a House meeting on Monday evening, please inform the prefects to have everyone gathered in the common room by eight. It is taking me a lot to do this. You know about bearers and how protective of children we are. You trying to kill two children in my class is making me more angry than I have ever been at a student. And your detentions won’t be pretty. But you are a child, and I know that you have the brains to be a good person, you have the ability to be whatever you want to be. I don’t want you to fall into the wrong crowd. I don’t want you to not have a choice. So I am going to help you. But if you think, for even one second, that you can get away with something like that again, you will be out of this school before you can say the word ‘Hogwarts’, understood?”
“Understood,” she said, nodding again.
“Good. You are free to go,” he said, and then he watched as she left, hoping beyond hope that he had made the right decision.

…

Severus was sitting on his bed, dressed and ready for the day. Physically anyway. Mentally he was… a mess. Though that wasn’t really a difference, there was just more included in the mess now.
Fear.
Worry.
And the tiniest bit of hope that he tried to push down because of the ever present feeling that something was going to go wrong.
His hand went to his stomach again and he contemplated for a moment just laying back down and going to bed. But he had promised Healer Greyclaw he would go to the Bank for an appointment. And he wanted to go. He needed to make sure that everything is okay.
He also needed to get Neville a wand, and things for his room and such. Then they were going to the Hospital so that Neville could see his parents.
But he just wanted to sleep.
Was that so much to ask?
There was a knock on his bedroom door and he sighed as he stood, grateful that his magic had allowed him to adjust the waistband of his trousers as they seemed to be getting tighter despite no visible signs of a bump yet. He opened the door to find Kingsley on the other side with a soft smile tugging at his lips.
“Hey, are you okay?” Kingsley asked gently, his eyes clouded somewhat with worry.
“Yes,” Severus said, “Are you and Neville ready to go?”
“Yeah,” he said softly, still concerned, “Are you sure? You were in there for a while. Were you sick again? Do you need some more ginger ale, or a morning sickness reliever?”
Severus’ lips tugged up slightly in the corners, he couldn’t stop it really, it was weird, and yet amazing, having someone actually care about him and his health. Although part of him was worried that it was just because of the pregnancy, and not actually about him. But, he supposed, he would cross that bridge when he came to it. If he came to it, he tried to hope.
“I’m fine. I was just… thinking. I’ve had a morning sickness reliever already and it seems to be helping, so let’s go before Healer Greyclaw berates us for being late. We have a lot to do today and I would rather not be out for too long given the state of things,” Severus said, smiling at Neville who was sitting nervously on the couch but who quickly smiled back at him.
“Okay,” Kingsley nodded in agreement and they were soon floo’ing to the room they had been told to floo to in the Bank for their appointment. A private medical room that really just looked like a standard, for the Wizarding World anyway, bedroom, but with a few medical instruments here and there, and a small kitchenette, a door leading to a bathroom, and another into the hallway.
Healer Greyclaw and King Ragnok were both waiting in the room for them, the healer seeming quite excited as she saw them and rushed over to gently take Severus’ hand and tug him over to the large bed, covered in its deep blue bedding.
“Get comfortable, love, I want to see my grandbaby,” she said sternly, although there was gentleness in her usually dark eyes that almost had him smiling.
Instead he settled for rolling his eyes and settling himself onto the comfortable bed, Kingsley helping him set some pillows behind his back so he was somewhat elevated. Kingsley and Neville sat next to him on the bed, Kingsley holding his hand gently as the two goblins sat on his other side.
“Undo the buttons of your shirt, Sev, I need access to your stomach,” Healer Greyclaw said, her sternness starting to dissipate some more as Severus slowly undid the buttons of his black shirt and she saw the softness that had started to overtake his usually harsh bones and contours, her eyes lighting up more as she glanced between Severus’ face and his belly, “Good, you’re putting on some weight,”
“Of course I am, I’m pregnant,” he said, raising an eyebrow.
“I know, Sev. But I know you, have done for years. I know you don’t tend to like feeding yourself. I was worried you would still be struggling with that. Especially with the morning sickness,” she said worriedly as she gently pressed her hands against his stomach to make sure that everything felt okay.
“Yes, well,” he said quietly, swallowing thickly, “It’s difficult to remember to eat when there is no reason to,”
“But you are eating now?” she said, raising an eyebrow at him.
“Yes,” he said.
“Good. How is the morning sickness? Any other symptoms?” she said.
Severus shrugged, “It’s okay. I don’t mind it, really. I feel sick in the morning, and sometimes throughout the rest of the day also. But a lot of the time I am able to withhold actually vomiting with the aid of some ginger ale, a morning sickness reliever or, by nibbling on some dry toast or crackers. I am more tired than usual, but not much more so. I have felt lightheaded a few times, but I haven’t passed out from it. I am urinating more frequently. My chest hurts. Heartburn has been an issue a couple of times but is quickly sorted out with a potion. But other than that not much. I feel fine,” other than the constant worry and fear that something, anything, was going to go wrong.
She nodded understandingly, “All completely natural. But if anything starts not feeling right then please do come here as soon as possible. This is your room, by the way, the one you will be giving birth in when the time comes. Supposing you don’t want to make use of the birthing pool or shower in the bathroom,” she was grinning comfortingly but he didn’t feel particularly comforted in that moment.
Why were they preparing for everything so bloody soon? He was only nine weeks and one day pregnant. There was so much that could go wrong still and the thought that they were already preparing for him to give birth mostly stabbed his heart with fear. Though there was still that pesky little piece of him that held hope.
He just nodded, not trusting his voice at the moment as he looked down at his bare stomach, trying not to think about anything that could go wrong, and yet it was the only thing that flooded his mind.
He took a deep breath as Kingsley squeezed his hand comfortingly and he looked up into those deep brown eyes that help warmth, and love, and so much else that Severus had never felt from another person before, not really. And for a brief moment he thought that maybe everything would be okay, at least until his mind conjured more images of what could go wrong with this whole thing.
Though those images were stilled by the sound that filled his ears when a warm burst of magic fluttered over his belly and he looked down to find a golden image of his baby hovering above his stomach and he realised that the sound flooding the room was the sound of Harry’s heartbeat.
His eyes filled with tears of awe, his breathing somewhat shaky as he looked at the image of his baby moving around gently within him. His hand itched to touch his stomach but he stopped himself as he knew that if he did the sound of the strong heartbeat would stop and the image would disappear. And he didn’t want it to end. It couldn’t end, because if it did then the fear would come back. The worry would come back. The images would come back.
His baby was okay.
In this moment his baby was okay.
His body wasn’t failing him.
His magic wasn’t failing him.
And it would all be okay so long as he could keep listening to the heartbeat, and keep looking at that projection of tiny waving arms and legs.
“I’m okay, mummy,” he heard Harry say gently in his head and he struggled not to sob, although he was sure he was crying at that point.
Not that he cared.
His baby was okay.
“Your baby is okay, Sev. You’re okay,” Healer Greyclaw said gently, her voice sounding understanding, and he’s sure there was a look in her eyes, too, but he didn’t move his eyes away from the image, “Your baby is about an inch in size. He is about the size of a green olive. And he is perfectly healthy. Your body is doing very well. You are doing amazing, Sev. And you will continue to do so. I know it. We all know it,” her hand was resting on his arm and she squeezed it gently, comfortingly.
He wanted to believe her. He desperately needed to believe her. But there was just too much going on.
Dumbledore. Black. The Dark Lord. Everything and everyone else.
His body wasn’t healthy. Not really.
He had spent too long focussing on surviving that he hadn’t given a thought to his health. His actual health.
Anything could happen.
Anything could happen.
But for the moment everything was okay.
And maybe he should try to focus on that. It was just too bloody hard to do that at the moment.
He felt a gentle, warm hand on his cheek, gently rubbing away his tears, and his face was turned gently towards Kingsley who looked at him with worried, yet loving eyes.
“I’m sorry,” Severus said softly.
“No, Sev, you have no reason to apologise. This is a stressful time, there is a lot going on and we are all trying to get used to it. But Harry is okay. Neville is okay. Our sons are okay. You are okay. You are doing amazing. I am so proud of you, and I will continue to be proud of you, no matter what. It’s okay to be scared, Sev. It’s okay to not be okay. But we will get through this. All of us. Together. I promise. But right now, we are all okay. And that is all that matters right now. I know it’s hard to think that, to believe that things will be okay, especially after everything else… but please, try and trust in me, and in the rest of us, that we can help you get through this. That we will all do whatever we can to make sure that everything is okay. You are doing amazing, Sev. I just need you to believe in yourself, and the rest of us, a little more. Or at least try to. Because I am not going to let anything happen to you, or our sons, to the absolute best of my ability. No matter what I have to do to ensure your safety, I will do it,” Kingsley said softly, yet there was a determination there also. A fierceness that Severus couldn’t help but believe in at that moment.
“I’ll try,” he found himself whispering.
Kingsley smiled and placed a gentle kiss on Severus’ lips, just a short one, but it helped to quiet Severus’ mind some more and that was good. More than good really.
Then Severus was looking at the image again, focussing on the sound that was still flooding the room, clinging to Kingsley’s hand like it was a lifeline. And perhaps it was.
“I’m going to get you a picture of this, but in order to do that the spell will end. Are you ready for that, love? Or would you like to wait a little longer?” Healer Greyclaw said gently.
His heart almost constricted at the thought of the sound disappearing, but he knew that it would have to stop eventually. They still had things to do, and they couldn’t stay in the room until Harry was safely in their arms… hopefully. No matter how much he might have wanted to.
At least he would have a picture.
And he could always relive the memory at some point.
And he would have appointments every Saturday, so he would be able to hear his little one’s heartbeat again in seven days. Hopefully.
“You can get the picture now,” Severus said, trying to wipe his tears as he watched her cancel the spell, his own heart pounding as the sound disappeared, but he smiled slightly as a picture of the scan popped magically onto the piece of thick, white parchment specifically created for this spell which the healer goblin had placed gently onto his belly.
There wasn’t much more to the appointment after that. Really just a scan on his own health, which was good, though Healer Greyclaw told him a number of times to eat and sleep more. If he could. And her making him promise that if anything, anything, felt wrong; whether it be his magic, Harry’s magic, whether he was in pain, or bleeding, or whatever else could happen; that he would come straight to her, again. And he did promise. Because she was the only healer he trusted at this point, and he knew he would be there as soon as he possibly could. No matter what. She also made Kinglsey, and Neville promise to bring him if anything happened, or whatever else, and promise to look after him. Which they agreed to vehemently.
And soon they were leaving the Bank to do their shopping. Though Severus could admit to himself that he wasn’t paying too much attention after Neville finding a wand that suited him. Cherry wood and unicorn hair. Shopping for things for his room, for clothes, and whatever else he wanted was supposed to be an exciting time for them all, but Severus almost felt like he was swimming, or drowning would perhaps be a more apt description.
His hand was in his pocket, his fingers constantly touching the picture that showed him that his baby was okay. That his body hadn’t failed him yet. And yet his heart and mind, and even his stomach, continued to churn with fear, and worry, and everything else.
He just wanted it to stop. Even if only long enough for him to enjoy his time with his new family.
But nothing was ever like that with him.
He was always worried. Always scared. Always hurt. And always hating himself.
Nothing could ever be good. If only for a moment.
“Sev, are you okay?” A gentle voice said worriedly and he focussed his gaze on the slightly taller man in front of him.
Kingsley.
He noticed that they were in a book shop and Neville was browsing some of the nearby shelves with a basket in his hand.
“Yes,” he almost croaked, then grimaced at how his voice sounded.
So weak and vulnerable.
“Sev, do you need Healer Greyclaw? We can go back to the Bank-”
“No, I’m fine. We’re fine,” he said, breathing deeply as he realised that he and Harry were, in fact, fine, if their magic was to be believed.
“I’m fine, mummy,” Harry said and he breathed a sigh of relief.
“Then what’s the matter?” Kingsley said, and although Severus could see some relief in him, he could also still see concern, and he hated making the man worry for him, even though it felt good to having someone so concerned for once.
“I… I-I just,” he couldn’t admit it. He just couldn’t.
If he admitted he was scared, if he admitted that he was terrified that something was going to go wrong, because he wasn’t okay, nothing was okay, then he would be admitting to weakness… and he couldn’t do that. The man had just seen him cry, had figured out that he was scared, and that was already, perhaps, too much. He couldn’t handle the man seeing more. Not yet.
Kingsley seemed to see it anyway. He seemed to understand and he smiled sadly whilst pulling Severus gently into his arms. And Severus cherished the warmth, the support, even as he hated that he needed it. Hated that the man knew he needed it. Hated that the man knew he wasn’t as strong as he pretended to be.
“It’s okay, Sev. We’re okay. All of us are okay,” Kingsley whispered into his ear.
“I know,” Severus whispered back, and he hated how shaky his voice was, “But it doesn’t mean that we’re going to remain that way. Too much is happening. I’m not healthy, not really. I… I can’t lose him, either of them really. I can’t lose you,” the last part was so quiet that he was, partially hoping, that Kingsley didn’t hear it.
But the small smile against his neck told him that the man did, in fact, hear him.
“No matter what happens, Sev, you aren’t going to lose me. I promise. I wish that I had told you of my feelings sooner, that I had showed you that you are worth it, that you are worthy of love, and care, and hope. And I’m sorry that I didn’t. I’m so sorry that you have been so hurt. But I am here now. For you. And I’m not going anywhere. Ever. I am going to protect you and our children to the best of my abilities. I am going to love you, and care for you, and cherish you for as long as you will have me. I promise. I love you, Sev. Always,” Kingsley said, his breath tickling Severus’ neck gently in a way that sent nice shivers through his body, “It’s okay to be vulnerable with me, Sev. I’ll protect and look after you,”
Severus rested his head on Kinglsey’s shoulder and closed his eyes, trying to focus on his breathing, and the warmth that was flooding him with Kingsley’s embrace. He didn’t care, in that moment, that they were in public. He just wanted to stay in those arms, preferably forever.
He hated, though, that he wasn’t able to say those three words yet.
“It’s okay, Sev,” Kingsley whispered again.
“Mum, are you okay?” Neville said as he appeared beside them, his smaller hand going to Severus’ arm and holding it gently.
“Yes, Neville, I’m fine,” Severus said, pulling slowly away from Kingsley, although still grabbing the darker hand in his own, intertwining their fingers, spare hand, the one that wasn’t still brushing against the picture in his pocket, “Have you got everything you want from here?”
“Yeah,” Neville nodded, smiling up at his new parents.
“Good, let’s go and pay for it then we can head somewhere else. Are either of you hungry?” Kingsley said.
Soon they were out of the shop and sitting in a little cafe in a side alley that was rather empty, which Severus was thankful for as he didn’t want to deal with too much noise. Too many people.
Then they were going through the shops again, Neville picking out things he would like rather happily after being told, again, that he could get anything he wanted, no matter how much it was, in price or quantity. And Severus couldn’t help but smile slightly as he watched his oldest son pick things up, and glance at things that Severus hoped he or Kingsley would remember in time for Christmas.
And then Neville came bounding over to them excitedly, with a deep blue baby blanket embroidered with silver stars, “Can we get this for Harry, please? He loved the night sky and I feel like this would be perfect for him,”
Severus heart stuttered, pain, fear and worry creeping up again even as he allowed his hand to run gently over the soft fabric. At seeing the hope, love and excitement in Neville’s eyes he coudn’t help but feel a little bit of hope spark up in himself, and he hated it almost as much as he needed it.
Buying one thing for Harry this soon in the pregnancy isn’t terrible, is it? It’s not going to fuck everything up for them, right?
One thing.
One blanket that was perfect for Harry, perfect for all of them.
It was okay to buy one thing and hope, right?
Right?
“O-okay,” Severus said, his throat a tad tight but there wasn’t too much he could do about that. His heart almost skipped a beat when Neville beamed happily at him and put the blanket in his basket with other bedding and such that he had picked out for himself.
“It’s okay, Sev,” Kingsley whispered into his ear and gently squeezed his hand before following Neville towards the counter to pay for the items once Neville had said that he had everything he wanted.
And Neville said he had everything he needed and wanted for now, that he wanted to go and see his parents. So they headed to the hospital, something that Severus also internally dreaded. What if, by some miracle, Frank and Alice were cured? What if he had to give up one of his new sons?
He didn’t know if he could survive that. Even though he knew it would have to happen, right? They’re his actual parents.
He knew it was virtually impossible for them to be suddenly cured, but it still terrified him that he would have to give Neville away to them. That they would take him away from him, from Harry.
But Neville needed and wanted to see them, and so, even though it hurt and terrified Severus to go there, he would do so, for his son.
For Neville.
And he hated himself for not wanting them to be cured anymore. For not wanting to work towards a cure for them anymore. Not that he could at the moment, any potions that they might need to cure them would be too dangerous for him to make during the pregnancy. Not that he was any closer to finding something for them than he was twelve years ago. He just had a list of potions that didn’t work.
But he stood there, in the corner of the room, watching as Neville and Kingsley talked to Frank and Alice. Neville was both excited and sad as he told his incoherent parents about being adopted, and about the baby brother he was going to have in a few months. The sadness coming from his parents not saying a word, not even really acknowledging that he was there. Both of them focussed on their own little world of bubblegum wrappers and something none of them but the two could see.
The pain of his son tore at his heart and he wished more than anything that he could do something for him. Maybe, one day, for them. But he didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t good at this. He wasn’t good with people.
He didn’t know how long they were at the hospital before Neville decided he was ready to go home, but they were soon back in their quarters, unshrinking bags which Neville took to his room so that he could sort them all out.
“Are you alright, Sev?” Kingsley asked again, still concerned about him.
“Hm,” Severus hummed, looking down at the baby blanket which Neville had placed in his hands before he rushed off to his bedroom. He sat carefully in the corner of the sofa with it in his lap, pulling out the picture in his pocket and placing it carefully on top of the blanket, his fingers lightly grazing the image of his baby as he swallowed a lump in his throat.
“You know you can talk to me, right? About anything. I just… I just want to help you, Sev. To look after you. And I-I don’t know how to do that if you don’t tell me what’s wrong,” Kingsley said softly as the man sat next to him, his hand resting on Severus’ arm.
“What am I supposed to say?” Severus said quietly, looking briefly up at the man next to him.
“What you’re feeling. What it is you’re scared of. How I can help you. What you need. Anything you want to say. However you want to say it,” Kingsley said.
“I don’t know. I’m scared of everything. Of Dumbledore. Of Sirius Black. Of the Dark Lord. The Death Eaters. My body failing me. I’m not… I’m not well enough for a pregnancy, not really. I’m scared that everything is going to go wrong. That I’ll lose Harry, or Neville, or you, or even all of you. I don’t know what I need because no one has given me what I need before, what I want before, what anyone needs or wants before, so I just don’t know. I don’t know,” his voice was lightly trembling but he couldn’t stop it.
“Okay. That’s okay. We can figure it out together. However long it takes, we will figure out. But… if I do something and you don’t like it then please let me know. Stop me. I’m not going to rush us, but, if something doesn’t feel right then please let me know. I don’t want to hurt you, Severus. I want to, and I will, love you, protect you, and care for you to the best of my ability, and I will tell you that until you truly know and believe that, and even after that,”
Severus nodded and Kingsley smiled gently, kissing his cheek, then his lips softly.
“You’re okay, Sev. We’re all okay,” Kingsley said as he pulled Severus gently into his arms and Severus sunk into the embrace, soaking up the warmth and trying to use it to gain back some of his strength. But things were too much at the moment.
He needed time. He knew that.
But he hated that he was showing so much weakness.
“Harry’s okay. Neville’s okay,” Kingsley said as his hand found Severus’ still flat stomach and rubbed it slowly.
“I know,” Severus whispered, looking back down at the blanket and the picture, and desperately hoping that it would remain that way.
Hoping that they really would all be okay.
But so much of him felt like he was just counting his luck, waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for something terrible. Terrible things had always come for him before, it wouldn’t be a surprise for something else to come. But it would kill him. Especially now.
“I’m okay, mummy,” Harry said again and he was relieved to hear it.
But the relief didn’t truly work to diminish the ever present fear, still. And he hated that, too. He hated being paranoid. He hated not being able to truly have hope for their future. He hated thinking that something terrible was going to happen.
He hated himself.
But he pushed that aside for a moment to focus on his baby’s magic, and the picture, and the little voice in his head telling him he was okay and asking if he was in return.
And when he went to bed that night he couldn’t help but ask Kingsley to join him. Just to sleep. Because he thought he needed the warmth. The strength and steadiness. The comfort. The love. And everything else that the slightly taller man readily provided him.
And he slept better than he ever had before wrapped in those strong arms.
And maybe that was a good thing.
Something he could focus on.
Something to help him hope for good things for once.
Something to help him believe, if only for a little while, that maybe everything will be okay.
Eventually.