Danger Noodle! by MellarkandArt

Severus was having entirely too much fun with this situation, Harry thought.

Just because Harry told him that Lockhart made him uncomfortable didn’t mean that the Potions professor should take advantage of the situation. He was making his dislike of the man very clear to everyone watching. Granted, Severus didn’t like a lot of people, but he usually wasn’t quite so… expressive.

Harry thought Severus must have a lot of repressed rage he was working through and was taking it out on the Defense professor.

If you could call him that. They were currently in the great hall in a dueling club all about using defensive spells and yet Professor Lockhart couldn’t seem to figure out how to defend himself against Professor Snape.

“Well,” Professor Lockhart huffed, laughing awkwardly as he picked himself up off of the ground after Severus’ disarming spell. “Professor Snape seems to be quite eager to begin! I don’t believe I said we were ready to start just yet, Severus…”

“Oh?” Severus said innocently. “I was merely showing the children the realities of a dangerous duel. It is rare that your opponent will play fair and the risk of an unprompted attack should always be considered. One must always be prepared, Professor Lockhart, as you must know from your own… adventures.”

Professor Lockhart appeared to flush. “Yes, of course, well…” he coughed. “I believe we should get some pairs up here to practice dueling against one another for themselves. Any volunteers?”

Nearly everyone raised their hands, including Harry. Severus frowned at him, but Lockhardt picked him and paired him with Draco Malfoy before he could protest.

“Fantastic, fantastic! Now, Harry, Draco, despite Professor Snape’s example, let’s begin your duel on the count of three, shall we?”

Harry slid his eyes over to Severus, resisting the urge to roll them at Lockhardt. Severus did it for him, smirking slightly before gesturing for him to pay attention to his duel.

“On the count of three… one, two, three!”

“Expelliarmus!” Harry tried, but the pronunciation didn’t roll off his tongue quite as fast as Draco’s “Serpensortia!”

Harry was worried for a moment as he wasn’t sure what the spell would do, but was only confused when a snake came out of Draco’s wand. It seemed like a rather useless spell. Should Harry find one that would shoot a bobcat out of his wand to eat the snake in retaliation? He glanced up at Severus for a clue, and he seemed to be getting ready to cast a spell himself but the snake suddenly slithered away and towards the crowd of students.

“Stop!” Harry blurted as it went straight for Justin, not exactly sure what effect it would have on the reptile. Surprisingly though, it stopped, and everyone, including the snake, turned their head to look at him.

“Um,” said Harry, not sure what to do now that he was apparently a snake whisperer. “Leave him alone?”

“Why?” asked the snake, and Harry had almost forgotten that snakes could talk. He’d only spoken to a couple in the back garden at the Dursleys, and it was a long time ago. He hadn’t thought much of it then but he supposed now that it was kind of strange, but maybe only magical snakes could talk? Or only magical people could hear them? Who knew?

“Because… because I said so, mostly,” Harry said, feeling like his father as he said it. It seemed to be more effective in snakes than in Harry because the snake seemed to sigh before coiling up and leaving everyone alone. It suddenly disappeared, and Harry looked up to see Severus with his wand out. He was going to ask him why he banished the poor snake, and where did living things go that were banished, but Severus was giving him a strange look and Harry suddenly realized just how quiet the great hall was and didn’t think that he should ask anything at all just then.

“He tried to set that snake on his housemate!” somebody yelled. Harry’s mouth dropped open, appalled at the accusation and the sheer idiocy of the statement. He had told the snake to leave Justin alone, didn’t they hear him say that?”

“He wouldn’t do that,” Justin defended him, but he didn’t sound very confident.

Harry didn’t know why everyone was freaking out. It was as though they’d never heard someone talk to a snake before. They were wizards! Surely they saw stuff like this all of the time. Harry looked at Severus again, completely confused. What was going on?

“Come along, Harry,” Severus murmured, taking him gently by the shoulder.

“Not to worry, Severus, I’ll take the boy,” Lockhart offered, placing a much less gentle hand on his other side. Severus snatched it off of Harry, glaring daggers at Lockhart.

“I do believe we have discussed this, Gilderoy,” Professor Snape sneered disdainfully. “Regardless, I assure you that I am quite capable of managing my own son.”

“Well, of course, I would never presume-”

Severus didn’t stay for the rest of it, leading Harry out of the hall. “What’s going on?” Harry asked quietly, trembling slightly.

“I need to speak to the headmaster and I’d like for you to accompany me.”

“What for?” Harry said, pausing his steps.

Severus glanced behind them. He seemed like he was trying to get away from the crowd of students before they came out of the great hall. “I’d like to discuss what happened. You’re not in trouble.”

“Why would I be in trouble?” Harry asked. “I’m not the one who set the snake on Justin, that was Draco! I just told it to stop.”

Severus peered down at him, pushing slightly on his back to get him walking again. “I believe you.”

“Well, obviously! That’s what happened! You were there, you had to have heard me!”

The professor frowned. “Harry, are you aware of what parseltongue is?”

“No,” Harry said, but something about the question filled him with dread.

“It is the language of snakes. There have been very few wizards throughout the centuries who are able to understand and speak it, and they are called parselmouths. You, apparently, are one.”

“So… not all wizards can talk to snakes?”

“No, Harry. It’s a very rare ability.”

“But still, you could understand me, couldn’t you? I was speaking English.”

“That’s… interesting. All I, and everyone else, heard was hissing.”

Harry was quiet for the rest of the walk to the headmaster’s office, pondering how it was possible to be speaking a different language and not even know it. Once they arrived, Harry was sat in a chair alone while Severus and Professor Dumbledore had a whispered conversation in the corner.

Harry looked at Fawkes, wondering if there was a language of birds and if any wizards could speak it. He thought that might be a better ability to have, for then he could talk to Hedwig, and ask her why she was always in such a mood. Then again, he was able to present that same question to Professor Snape and didn’t dare, so he likely wouldn’t ask her anyway.

“Harry,” Professor Dumbledore finally greeted him with a warm smile. “It is a pleasure to see you. How are you doing?”

“Okay,” murmured Harry, glancing at Severus who sat beside him. “Am I in trouble?” he asked despite Severus assuring him he wasn’t.

“Of course not,” Professor Dumbledore waved away his concerns. “We’re all simply curious about this newfound ability of yours. How long have you been able to speak to snakes, Harry?”

“Erm, well…” Harry thought about it, thinking back to the first time he had spoken to one. He was working in the garden, so he must have been about five or so. He’d seen talking animals on the telly from time to time when Dudley was watching his shows, so it didn’t seem all that unusual when a little green garden snake came up to him and started talking about the weather. “I think I was five the first time I talked to one.”

“Oh? And what did you talk about?”

“The weather. He said that it was a lovely day, but I told him I thought it was really hot and I wanted to go back inside but Aunt Petunia didn’t want me in the way and I had to finish the gardening first anyway.”

Severus and the headmaster exchanged looks, Severus’ rather dark.

“Um, but there’s nothing wrong with that, is there, Professor?”

“Oh, certainly not, Harry,” Professor Dumbledore replied. “There is nothing wrong with being able to speak to snakes. The art is traced back to some dark connections so people are a bit wary of it is all.”

“A bit?” Severus scoffed. “Albus, the children are going to brutalize him over this…”

“Well, there’s hardly anything that can be done about it, Severus,” the headmaster said placatingly. “Harry will just have to show them that there’s nothing to be afraid of.”

“And how do you suppose he go about that?”

Professor Dumbledore rubbed his beard thoughtfully. “I have some ideas.”

***

“This is Danger Noodle,” Harry proclaimed proudly, holding out his new pet for everyone to see. “Noodle for short. Because everyone likes noodles, right?”

Everyone at the breakfast table stared at him as the little Rosy Boa snake wrapped herself around his wrist. “I think they’re shy,” Harry said to Noodle and one of the more dramatic Puffs passed out at the sound of his hissing.

“It’s alright,” Noodle hissed back at him. “Where is my breakfast?”

Harry frowned. “Professor Snape says I can’t have dead rats at the breakfast table, so you’ll have to wait until Potions class if that’s okay. We’re used to having gross things in there.”

“Hi, Noodle!” Susan chirped, inspecting Harry’s new pet. “Can she understand me at all?”

Harry asked Noodle, who said that the redheaded menace sounded like a high-pitched bird that she would prey on if she was big enough just to eliminate the sound from the world.

Harry just told Susan no. Harry didn’t know if all snakes were quite so cryptic or just the ones that Professor Snape picked out.

“What is that?” Draco Malfoy asked nosily, too curious not to get up from the Slytherin table and see Harry’s treasure up close.

“This is my new pet!” Harry said, thrusting the snake in Draco’s face. “Noodle, say hi!”

Noodle flicked her tongue out onto Draco’s cheek and Draco yelped, tripping over his feet as he scrambled to get away from the snake. “Sorry!” Harry called, meaning it. “I’m sure she was just being friendly,” though Noodle was hissing just the opposite in his ear.

“Harry,” Severus sighed, coming to stand next to him. “What did I say about having the snake at the breakfast table?”

“Her name isn’t “the snake,” Harry murmured resentfully. Severus had gotten Noodle at the request of Dumbledore, but he obviously wasn’t the biggest fan of Harry’s new friend.

“Danger Noodle,” Severus said through gritted teeth, “needs to be put away while your classmates are trying to eat.”

“I’m sorry,” Harry sighed. “I just wanted everyone to meet her. It’s her first day and she’s really shy!”

“I highly doubt she can feel such a complex emotion as shyness, given that she is a reptile-” Harry moved his hands to cover Noodle’s nonexistent ears, glaring at his father’s lack of sensitivity, “- but even so, I’m sure she’ll be quite alright if you put her in your pocket while you eat your breakfast.”

“But- that feels so mean. And she’s hungry. You're going to your office now, aren’t you? Couldn’t you take her with you? She needs her rats.”

Severus stared at Harry, likely trying to surmise if he was being serious. Despite being a Slytherin, it had become quite clear in the past few days that Severus was not at all fond of snakes.

“Please, Professor? There’s nothing to be afraid of, she doesn’t bite. Do you, Noodle?” Harry said, hissing the last bit to his snake.

“I will not bite young master’s father, despite him being very unlikable,” Noodle hissed. Harry frowned but told his dad the important part, that Noodle promised she wouldn’t bite. And she wasn’t poisonous so there wasn’t anything to worry about anyway.

Severus turned his gaze to the head table, giving a not-so-friendly look to the headmaster who only twinkled his eyes at him. “She better not,” he said at last, turning his eyes back to Harry and taking Noodle from him. “Because rest assured that I will not hesitate to bite back.”

“Well, no one’s ever accused him of not biting back,” Susan murmured, watching as Professor Snape walked away with Harry’s beloved (to him) pet in his arms with a disgusted look on his face.

Harry was looking forward to Potions.