Chapter 20

History from a New Standpoint

xxx

Severus picked himself up off the ground, but made no attempt to go after Harry. Exceedingly obstinate though he was, Severus was able to recognize defeat when it had overtaken him. He leaned wearily against the frame of the door, rubbing his forehead with his hand, a bleak expression on his face. There was no escaping the truth; he was at a loss for what to do. He wasn't good with this sort of thing; he never had been. Even when he and Lily had been involved, it had always taken a huge sacrifice of pride on his part merely to approach her after a quarrel; but then, she had always understood this.

Severus and Lily had been an odd pair. No one, aside from the two of them, really knew how they'd come to be together. It had all started with a fight- funny thing that it ended the same way. But all throughout the time they'd been involved with one another, there had rarely been a month in which they'd avoided having a row. Admittedly, such fights had almost always been Severus' fault, for Lily knew when she was wrong and often would give in when Severus confronted her about it. He, however, had been a different story; many people had reasoned that this was why she had been so good for him. She had been the one person able to control him, and keep him within his boundaries. She knew not to be afraid of him. If he ever raised his voice to her, she would immediately come back and put him in his rightful place. If he ever ventured into possessive territory, she was quick to draw his attention to it, and the way in which she did it always brought it to an immediate stop. Indeed, she had kept him from becoming his father, and her fiery temper that did it was one of the qualities that Severus had admired most about her.

Lily had realized, long before they'd married, that apologies were not one of his strong points. Her mother had always joked about how the male ego needs constant feeding, and Lily had never realized, until she dated Severus, how right her dear mum had been. Years of ridicule and derision had turned him into an incredibly insecure man, and it was a quality leading to the worst of his character flaws. She'd recognized what it meant when he would drag himself into the room sometime after a quarrel, and accepted his standing there in silence and struggling for words as his pathetic attempt at apology. She knew what that alone cost him, and was generous enough to help him with the words he needed to say without discrediting his dignity. But now she was gone, and the person with whom his compunction now rested wouldn't allow him the same grace.

Now Severus was going to have to be the adult. He was going to have to take control of the situation before it escalated to a level out of his hands- but like years ago, he had no clue as to the way he was going to do this. He'd always depended on Lily for these things... but she was gone now. Thinking hard, he realized that after their relationship's end, he'd always gone to Albus…

With a disgruntled sigh, Severus looked around and stepped into the corridor, closing his office door behind him. He set off down the cold dungeon hallway, glaring off into a distance. He knew there was no other option; he had nowhere else to go, no one to turn to, and his desire to keep the news under wraps canceled out the prospect of anyone else he might have considered. Strange as it was, he was battling his own critical judgment, willing himself to make the choice to seek help. He tried painstakingly so not to think about all the reasons he resented having to go to this man. He tried not to think about the fact that he was only in this position because of him… and then, he wondered what it would be like if he weren't in this position…

If given the chance, would he go back and choose never to know? Would he prefer to be going about his business, suffering under the false pretense that his wife had cheated on him with his worst mortal enemy? It seemed to him that this might actually be the better way. If his "son" wanted nothing to do with him, then he was satisfied leaving that alone; he'd still benefit from being able to go through his days with less bitterness at the woman he loved. It was much less burdensome to hold onto her memory with fond remembrance than it was to try to force his indelible hate for her to the back of his mind.

As Severus arrived at the headmaster's door, it took every ounce of strength in him to raise his hand and rap his knuckles against it. It took every last bit of willpower he possessed not to turn and recede down the coiled stairs as he heard Dumbledore's gentle voice inviting him inward.

Placing his hand on the bronze, Griffin-shaped door handle, he allowed it to linger there a moment as he prepared himself. Now was not the time to treat the headmaster with hostility- not when he desperately needed the man's council. In one motion, he pushed the door open and stepped inside, waiting in the doorway for a moment to observe the surprised look on Dumbledore's face.

"Severus," Dumbledore said with subtle astonishment. "Please, sit," he said after a moment of gazing at the darkly robed wizard standing there. He invitingly motioned to the chair in front of his desk and sat back in his own.

Severus suppressed his annoyance at the Headmaster's manner; he knew the portrait hanging outside the office door always informed Dumbledore of who was standing on the other side.

"I must say, I'm a little surprised to see you here, Severus," Dumbledore said conversationally, selecting a small piece of candy out of the jar he'd removed from his desk and then offering a piece to Severus, who declined. "I had thought you might need more time."

Severus was tapping his fingers on the arm of his seat, glowering with restrained incense as Dumbledore spoke. Did he realize how he was reminding Severus of the reasons for which he had almost turned around?

Dumbledore contemplated him for a moment, and then asked gently, "What is it, Severus?"

The begrudged expression on Severus' face faded as he raised an eyebrow and looked evasively down at his lap. "The boy knows, Albus. He saw our conversation during Occlumency, less than an hour ago."

Severus returned his gaze to Dumbledore's face, and the Headmaster was resting his chin on his knuckles, looking thoughtful. He nodded. "How did he react?"

Severus hesitated to answer; this was the part he had been dreading. He was going to have to explain what had happened and be forced to endure the Headmaster's reproving lecture after having done so.

"Not well," Severus admitted. "Though I suppose the effects might have been somewhat muted if I hadn't lost my temper-" he paused, but the headmaster said nothing. Severus got the idea he had expected this to happen as well. "He saw a portion of our conversation, and I don't doubt he took it out of context."

Dumbledore remained quiet for a moment, examining his hands in front of him. "What do you think best to do?" Dumbledore finally asked, looking up at Severus.

"Well that's why I'm here, Albus, isn't it?" snapped Severus. "I don't know what to do."

"Well, perhaps you should first determine what you want," Dumbledore proposed. "Do you wish things to stay the way they are? Can you go on teaching Harry for the next two years with things the way they are?"

"No, it certainly needs to be addressed," Severus replied tersely. "I at least need to explain... but he doesn't want a relationship anymore than I do, Albus."

"But are you certain that you do not, Severus?"

"Oh, don't be ridiculous," Severus scoffed. "What does a relationship even look like between Potter and myself? How could either of us even entertain the idea?"

"It would seem to me," Dumbledore answered, peering over his spectacles, "that asking those questions is a very good place to start."

"Headmaster, I came here for advice, not for cryptic messages-"

"But it is not a cryptic message, Severus! It is a very straightforward one, but you keep avoiding the point because of your fear. Fear that you will fail the boy, fear that he will fail you, that you will reopen too many old wounds. The message is simply this: you must first decide what you want and stop waiting for Harry or myself to decide that for you."

Severus huffed a sigh of frustration. "I know that Lily would want-"

"It's not what Lily would want, Severus-"

"I know, I know! Bloody hell, Albus. Fine, I will admit- I do not know what I want. I do not know what is right. I don't know where to begin. All I know is that I don't- that is to say, I can't keep wondering..."

"You don't want to wonder 'what if'," Dumbledore finished, and Severus nodded. "Well," Dumbledore said brightly, "at least you know what you don't want! That is a start."

"Perhaps you're right," Severus agreed quietly. "And I don't want him having false ideas about what really happened- if he's going to hate me, fine, he probably deserves to. But if he must, it might as well be for due reason."

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows, and this time could not deny himself a small smile. "Well, therein your answer lies," he said, sitting back again.

Severus looked up at him questioningly.

"You came here to seek my advice, did you not?" asked Dumbledore.

"As I have been saying," said Severus, gritting his teeth.

"Well, it seems to me that you've answered your own question. And here is my advice: Tell Harry what you've told me. I think you'll find he's quite fair and will want to hear you out. Wait until tomorrow, of course, when he's had some time to calm down and digest the information. Ask him to speak to you- don't order him. Take him to neutral ground; do not sit him in front of your desk and make him feel like just another student. Answer his questions- honestly- there's no need to divert from the truth. I think you'll find that honesty and fair treatment from your end will produce quite the change in him.

"Above all, even if he does not react as you hoped, be patient. I think that in time, Harry may want the opportunity to get to know you, if you'll only make it clear to him that the door will always be open. After all, a family- a bit of security- is all he has ever really wanted."

"I doubt he desires such security from me," Severus observed sardonically. He was not upset; rather, he had already accepted that he had no right to bitterness over the boy's feelings towards him. He had encouraged Potter's hatred and had reciprocated in kind. He didn't deserve his forgiveness.

"Don't underestimate yourself, Severus," Dumbledore said gently, walking around his desk and placing a hand on Severus' shoulder. "Let him get to know you, the real you- the one no one else sees. He can't dislike you for that."

Severus dropped his head. Dumbledore's earnest compliments stirred a strange emotion in him, though he couldn't tell quite what it was.

"I still don't see how I can reconcile-"

"Maybe not reconciliation at first," said Dumbledore. "But a ceasefire, if you will. You must at least stop antagonizing each other with every encounter. I don't think that's so demanding."

"Then you must not know Potter or me very well," Severus quipped, but he felt relieved; he could control himself, that was a good place to start.

"Oh, but I do," Dumbledore replied with a quiet chuckle. "And I think you'll find that you have more in common than you realized."

Dumbledore retook his seat; an unspoken understanding that their conversation was over had been reached, and Severus stood to move towards the door. When he'd reached the halfway point, he paused, and then turned, looking at Dumbledore very seriously.

"And Albus, I appreciate your help-" though his tone was far from appreciative; rather, it was hard and inarguable. "But I want your word that you'll interfere no more."

Severus hardly needed to say anything further; his meaning was clear. Under no circumstances would he tolerate Dumbledore's meddling, on any account… and the aged man sitting across the room understood that beyond doubt.

"Of course," Dumbledore said. "You have my word."

xxx

Harry had resisted crying for a long time, but as he found whilst he sat alone this night in Gryffindor tower, tears of grief are much easier to suppress than tears of rage. If one were to take a peek into his dormitory room at this moment in time, that person might wonder just what had happened there. The books that had been neatly stacked next to his bed were now strewn across the floor, having been thrown from the surface of the nightstand Harry had kicked transverse. His pillows were lying disorderedly about the room; they'd been whipped in every direction as he'd attempted to vent his frustration. All this had been done in Harry's desperate attempt to release his fury in a way that felt less weak than the alternative of tears.

It hadn't been so hard when he'd been in Snape's office; it had been no more to him than looking at the face of the man he'd hated for the past five years and realizing that there was supposed to be some sort of connection between them. However, now that he was no longer in the presence of the man, he couldn't help but think of the situation in terms of what his father felt about him, rather than what Snape felt about him.

And it hurt… there was no lying about it; it hurt to know that he had a father who hated him. It hurt him to know that his true father had never loved him, that he didn't have a man in his heritage to be proud of, to want to become like, as all young boys do… that he'd even begun hating Harry's mother, most likely when he'd found out she was with child. He imagined Snape had lied about finding out about their relationship mere weeks before; after all, how difficult would it have been for Snape to realize that he'd been with Lily at the time of Harry's conception? No, Snape hated children, which was obvious from the way he taught his classes… it wasn't difficult to imagine Lily happily telling him the news and him being repulsed by the idea of having to chase a sticky, whiny, clingy child all around. He would have easily thrown her out the door without a moment's hesitation.

Harry was very confident that all of these things he'd imagined were true, but he still couldn't fathom how the fact that Snape was his father had stayed hidden for so long… he had a very strong suspicion that Dumbledore and his Mother were heavily involved. Magic was the only way to explain his likeness to James Potter- everyone told him he was the man's exact replica. Things must have been really horrible for his mother to have been forced to take such drastic measures to ensure no one would never find out…

And yet he had. If what Snape had said was true, how had he come to learn that Harry was his son? Why did he have to be told? Could he really have been in the dark all these years? There were many things Harry didn't know about Snape, and one of the greatest mysteries about him was involving his past… just what had happened? Why had his mother wanted to protect him- no- from what had his mother tried to protect him?

He needed to know. He needed to know what had happened before he made any decisions, before he deciphered the best course of action. He now knew nothing about his past… he now knew nothing about the man he was supposed to call "Dad."

Tomorrow he would go and see Dumbledore. He didn't dare to risk the trip tonight; he couldn't stand the thought of what might happen if he ran into Snape on the way. He needed to avoid Snape at all costs until he had figured out what to do. No- tomorrow was the day he would venture out into the castle corridors. He would go and speak with Dumbledore, for he had no other option. He had to know what all of this meant… he had to know what to do.

Before long, Harry had fallen into a restless sleep, but this did not give his mind any relief from his racing thoughts. His dreams were filled with the continuous looming presence of a darkly robed man hovering over him. Snape had appeared in Harry's dormitory room, a nasty smile curling his thin lips and a dangerous gleam in his eyes. Harry begged and pleaded for his life, but Snape told him this was the only way for him to live a peaceful life; he raised his wand high above his head and brought it down again in a slashing motion. Harry screamed as a blinding flash of green light flooded his vision; as the dream world faded to black, his eyes flew open and the real world came into focus; he shakily realized where he was.

Breathing heavily and sitting up slowly, Harry reached over and lifted the clock from his nightstand. It was five o' clock in the morning. The staff members who had returned to Hogwarts in order to prepare for start of term always ate together around nine o' clock, and if Harry hurried, he could satisfy his growling stomach, speak with Dumbledore, and be back in Gryffindor Tower before Snape had even risen from his bed.

Still damp with sweat from his dream, Harry washed quickly and hurried to get dressed before making his way out the common room door. He stepped out into the lonely corridor and glanced around; no one was there. Trying to breathe a little easier, feeling stupid for being so shaken by a simple dream, he followed the long, stone hallways to the Great Hall.

He reached the great doors leading into the room and attempted to push them open, but they wouldn't budge. He tried again, pushing against them with all his strength, but still they didn't move. He stepped back and looked at them for a moment in frustration.

"Come on," Harry groaned, shoulders slumped in exasperation. He had no desire to go down to the kitchens for food, as he would then be one level closer to Snape. "Open up, I'm hungry!"

And as though he had spoken the magic words, there was a loud clack and the doors slowly opened, the candles inside lighting themselves as he set foot into the hall. Displayed on the Gryffindor table was enough breakfast food for one person, and Harry gladly sat in front of it, piling his plate full of eggs and sausages.

Within ten minutes, he'd nearly inhaled all of the food he'd put on his plate, and was ready for a second helping. Just as he'd eagerly reached towards the refilled plates of food, however, he realized that the looming shadow that had haunted his previous night's dreams was now hovering in front of him… and this was no dream. Snape was looking down at him, and he was just as real as the bench on which Harry sat.

Snape seemed to be waiting for Harry to speak, as he remained silent with his gaze fixed on the boy. Harry resisted swallowing the dry lump in his throat and said, "How did you know I would be here?" His voice was quieter, and more croaky than he would have liked it to be.

Severus rolled his eyes. "You're so predictable," he stated, shaking his head. Harry didn't realize that this wasn't being directed as an insult, and glared hard at the man. Severus watched him for a moment, and then, ignoring his defiant expression, said, "I wonder if I could have a word."

Harry opened his mouth- and then he stopped himself. He wanted to refuse. He didn't want to speak to Snape right now; he didn't want to be around him, and had no idea what the Potion's Master had in mind when he said he "wanted a word." But the memory of Snape's ire the day before was fresh in his mind, so Harry kept his mouth firmly shut.

After taking a mournful look at his food plate, Harry grudgingly rose from his seat. Snape turned and walked towards the staff table, and Harry assumed that he was to follow as the older man headed towards the exit behind it. Snape pushed through the door and Harry followed him down a narrow set of stairs and an unfamiliar corridor, before Snape finally came to a halt at the end nof a narrow hallway branching off from there.

Severus turned to Harry, attempting not to seem too threatening or menacing as he spoke. "These are my private quarters," said Severus, nodding towards the door in front of which they stood. "They are revealed to very few, and I expect that fact to remain. Do I make myself clear?"

Harry cast a wary glance at the door and Severus rolled his eyes.

"I assure you, Potter, this is not a trap. Considering the nature of our discussion, I would prefer the privacy of my living quarters."

Harry studied him for a moment. "And what is it that needs to be discussed, sir?" he asked, tone still dark and bitter.

"Many things," Severus said, turning and opening his door. He stepped inside. "But I will, of course, leave it up to you whether you are willing to hear them."

Partly because Snape's change in attitude had peaked his curiosity, Harry stepped inside, moving a bit past Snape, and looked around.

The rooms were not in a horrible state; in fact, they were furnished quite nicely. Harry could see several closed doors and a small hallway from where he stood, and as he looked around, he observed that they were standing in a room that combined a small dining area with the living room. To his left was a semicircle of counter space with cupboards aligned above. In the center was a small table- it was square and made of dark, cherry colored wood. There were three matching chairs placed around it, pushed in neatly.

To his right and in front of him was a long stretch of space, filled with a dark, black leather couch and two chairs in the same fashion. The stunted table in the center was made of the same type wood that the dining area and fireplace were done in- cherry maple wood- and the ground was stone, but covered with a long, black and red area rug, which was laced with silver designs.

Harry's eyes now drifted to the windows, which Snape must have noticed as he spoke up from behind.

"We're not in the dungeons," the Potions Master informed him, stepping forward. "The Great Hall is on a rise, and the dungeons are actually much lower than this. There is a small staircase leading up here from the locked area in my office."

"You said you wanted a word," Harry said coldly, turning to him and behaving as though he cared nothing for what Snape was telling him about his rooms.

Severus studied him for a moment, and then nodded curtly. "Yes, I did," he agreed, subduing his temper, which he could feel threatening to rise. It wasn't as though he really wanted to continue small talk with the boy, but the fact that he was being so rudely dismissed irritated him. "Have a seat."

Harry silently did as he was told, keeping his face completely impassive as he sank into the couch which Snape had motioned to.

"There are," Severus started, settling in the chair across from Harry, "many things for which I feel I owe you an explanation."

Harry raised his eyebrows with an expression that clearly said, "No kidding," but remained silent. Was Snape really going to explain this all to him? Was he going to answer his questions… truthfully tell him what happened? Or was he simply going to explain that he did not desire a relationship, a fact Harry was already well aware of?

Severus took a moment to prepare himself. He'd mentally been over this multiple times the previous night- he knew exactly what he was going to say- but that didn't make it any easier. Still, he owed this to the boy in front of him; retelling a truthful version of the events was difficult for Severus, yes, but he imagined it would be much more vexing having no idea what had happened at all.

"I think I shall start at the beginning; I am sure you are wondering how I came to be with your Mother, am I correct?"

"Yes, sir," Harry replied grudgingly; he didn't want to admit that he was interested in Snape's story, but he did want answers.

Severus debated for a moment, then replied, "I think you can drop the "sir" business, for the time being. We're just having a conversation." It was what Dumbledore had told him to do- be patient, earn Harry's trust, and treat him with respect. Harry's sour expression lessened slightly.

"I- not unlike many boys in our year- knew I wanted to be with Lily the moment I set eyes on her at Hogwarts. What set me apart from those other boys, however, is that I knew I stood no chance." Severus smiled sadly. "She was popular, intelligent, beautiful- she could have chosen anyone. Owing to the fact that I knew she was beyond my reach, I never chased her, never tried to make her love me. I think, in retrospect, this is what made her trust me. We became study partners early on in our education, both at the top of most of our classes but with very different strengths- she was the top of Charms, and I had an uncanny ability for Potions. Combined, we became both became top students in our year.

"Class rivalry at that time, if you can believe it, was even more severe in our days at school than it is now. For that reason, we often met in secret to study together in an effort to avoid harassment from our groups of friends. Sneaking around together, I think, is part of what made us so close, made it exciting.

"It wasn't always friendly, however; as we became stronger students, we became competitive as well. During fifth year, under the pressure of the O.W.L.s, our friendship started showing its cracks. Though I am loathe to admit it, I started to become distracted with my group of Slytherin friends, who were starting to dabble in the Dark Arts; I was drawn in, while your Mother focused on her work. She began to beat me on every test, and I couldn't stomach the thought of being beat by her- a girl, a Gryffindor, and a Muggle-born. I am not proud of it, but I turned on her in the worst way- wanting to appear strong to my fellow Slytherins, I began to treat her poorly in the corridors, and it all came to a head when... well, you saw the memory, last year.

"Fortunately for me, however, your Mother had a bit of a habit of saving people- not unlike yourself. She saw what was happening to me and wasn't willing to let our friendship go, despite the horrible way I had treated her. She eventually convinced me to give up that group of friends, and because in my heart I knew that I loved her, I complied- at least on the outside. We began to spend more time together; from our fights we had realized that we did not want to lose one another, and it made the relationship all the more important.

"It took us two more years and quite a bit of maturity, but eventually our relationship grew into something more than friendship. Still, at my request, because I didn't wish to give James Potter another reason to torment me and any more reason to pursue Lily, we kept our relationship a secret. We continued to meet in secret and planned out a life afterwards where we would escape to my family's home in the country, away from prying eyes, when we graduated."

"So why, then," Harry interrupted, unable to stop himself, "Did Sirius tell me my Mum and- James Potter- started dating during seventh year?"

"Ah," said Severus with a nod, "Well, that is another story in and of itself, but the short of it is that this is what James told his friends, and your Mum was certainly friendly enough with Potter to make it a completely believable lie."

"What do you mean?"

"Well," started Severus with some difficulty- it was difficult to keep the loathing out of his voice when he talked about James Potter- "As many boys do, Potter endeavored to use friendship with your Mother to make her want something more. Your Mum, a trusting girl with a bright personality, became quite close to him during seventh year. Their friendship was no secret- they could be seen everywhere together all throughout that year, and many people assumed they were dating. James never corrected anyone and Lily ignored any accusations as teasing. It drove me mad, of course, but you couldn't tell your Mother anything... she was not going to let me decide her friends for her, that is for certain.

"When seventh year ended, Lily and I had a quiet wedding. Times were becoming dangerous then and we thought the Dark Lord might use our relationship to manipulate either one of us; my old group of school friends was trying to recruit me to the Death Eaters and Lily had become an unspeakable for the Department of Mysteries, as well as an active member of the Order of the Phoenix, with Potter. When Potter learned we had wed, he of course told Black and Lupin that he and Lily had quietly broken it off; that concentrating on defeating the Dark Lord was first priority before any relationships.

"It was not too long, however, before I had driven your Mother into Potter's arms for good. Despite all of our best attempts, the Dark Lord had discovered our relationship and knew my weaknesses. I had, as I'm sure you've learned by now, extensive knowledge of the dark arts and the Dark Lord would not allow me to walk away from him without consequences. If I had it to do over again, I would have gone to Dumbledore, but in those days, I distrusted him for his failure to intervene during my days at school, and he distrusted me due to my reputation. Lily had attempted to persuade me to take a job from him, but I turned it down.

"The Dark Lord sent Lucius Malfoy and a group of my old school friends to "persuade" me, and I was fed all the right words. He told me that the Dark Lord was on the rise, and would soon be ruling the Wizarding world. He told me of the many things the Dark Lord had accomplished, and the goals towards which he was working. I cannot deny- the appeal of power and the lure of recognition and belonging was overwhelming. Lucius knew my one true loyalty was with Lily- and he convinced me that she was in danger, and might be spared if I were to help their side."

"That's why he offered to let her live," Harry said slowly, interrupting Snape. "He promised you that she would be spared, and that's why he offered to let her live."

Severus exhaled and nodded. "Yes, that is why. Lucius insisted that I could keep it from her until the Dark Lord took over, and then she would be happy that I had taken these steps to protect her. I foolishly believed him; I thought I was making the right decision to protect my wife and our future. I took the Dark Mark, I left for three weeks, telling Lily I needed to travel to collect rare Potions supplies- I was working for an apothecary at the time- and returned when I had recovered from initiation.

"This is where the plan went terribly wrong. Lily came to see me a short time after I'd received my mark… I hadn't become accustomed to hiding it yet, as I was spending most of my time with the Death Eaters or on my own. But she had just learned of her pregnancy…" Severus took another deep breath. "Her pregnancy with you, and couldn't wait to tell me. Before she could, however, she saw the mark, and realizing what this meant, knew at once she could not tell me the truth.

"Her whole demeanor had rapidly switched from excited and happy to regretful and pleading… she told me she had been with Potter, and that she was pregnant with his child." Severus stopped, looking down at his hands, which were folded in his lap. He placed them on the arms of his chair bracingly and continued.

"I am- not proud- of what I did next," his eyes were shut, and he opened them slowly and raised his gaze to Harry's. He saw that the boy was watching him intently with a sickened expression, as though he already knew the rest of the story. Still, Severus continued. "I was furious. The thing I'd always feared would happen- the weakness I had when it came to her and other men, the worries I told myself over and over were ridiculous now seemed quite reasonable- it felt like a stab in the back with the intent to kill. I told her to get out, and she seemed shocked. I don't believe she expected this- she had wanted a way to make sure that if need be, she could have prevented me from wanting to have anything to do with her or the baby. She never expected me to be violent… and it sickens me that I was. I was rough with her- I hurled her to the ground, and then picked her up again and threw her out the door. I don't doubt I scared her… I'd never treated her that way before…

Harry was glaring at Snape, shaking his head in disgust. So, they'd been married… and he'd turned on her in an instant… despite her remorse, despite all the facts of her past loyalty, he'd behaved as though she'd been planning it all along. He'd actually harmed her… he said he wasn't proud of what he did. That was an understatement; he should have been downright ashamed.

"She went to Potter- she didn't want me to find out she'd lied, and it was the only way she could see being believable to everyone else. She wanted to protect you- she thought I'd- that I'd come after you, claim custody… I'm not sure. But the man she thought she knew seemed long gone to her- she didn't realize that she'd just confirmed every one of my secret suspicions. She didn't realize that she'd delivered the final blow for the situation I'd been brooding over since the beginning of our relationship. She told Potter what she'd done, and he agreed to go along with the plan, and then she went to Dumbledore.

"She begged him never to tell me. She told him that I'd hurt her, and that she couldn't trust me not to make you suffer for what she'd done. She believed I would be angry with her, no matter what the circumstances… and I admit, I might have been, though I would have been gladder to know she'd never betrayed me.

"I always assumed that you were Potter's child… you can see why I have been less than kind towards you these past five years. You asked me this year why I keep saving you- it's because I've never been able to justify letting you die simply because of what you represented… and I could never bring myself to hate Lily in her entirety. I hated her memory, yes… but I had respect for what we had shared before.

"A short while ago, I saw the two events I've just described to you from Lily's point of view… up to the point where she spoke to Dumbledore. I saw her tell Potter that she'd lied to me, and couldn't go back because she couldn't give her child a life with a Death Eater as a father. She had never slept with him while we were together. I was able to deduce that the only logical person that could be my child was you… and then Dumbledore stepped in. He brought me back to his office from the memory, and when I asked him if you were my son, he couldn't bring himself to admit that he'd kept it from me all these years. He told me I'd killed my child by being so rough with Lily, and that you were in fact the son of James.

"Though Dumbledore did not intend to tell me the truth, it became a necessity when in my research I discovered a potion that might help to break the connection between you and the Dark Lord. It would require the blood of a close relative who was also Death Eater, branded with the magic of the Dark Lord, the one you were to defeat. I spoke of this to Dumbledore, mentioning its impossibility… and that is when he decided to tell me.

Harry scoffed. "And you said you didn't care, am I right?" he asked, forgetting himself.

There was a pause. "No," replied Severus quietly. "I certainly do care, Harry. I also was furious that this was kept from me, and so I can imagine how you felt when you discovered it in an equally shocking manner yesterday afternoon. I am sorry you've had to go through this, and fearful that there is no way to put it right."

Harry looked up, slightly surprised, and then lowered his gaze again.

Severus went on. "I have not told you for several reasons, some of which I am not sure I should share with you. I will say this: it has taken very much getting used to this idea. But I haven't kept this from you out of spite or resistance to acknowledging you. The portion of my conversation with Professor Dumbledore, which you saw during Occlumency, gave you entirely the wrong idea. We had been arguing, and I told him that I barely even knew you. He'd responded saying that I'd known you for the past five years… I was merely pointing out that I have grown to know only the side of you that I have chosen to see, the part of you that I have provoked into being the replica of James Potter… I didn't say that in the best way."

Harry shook his head- he didn't care. He didn't care what Snape had to say… the fact of the matter was, he had avoided telling him, and Harry didn't care why. He had deserved to know… and now, he was dealing with anger at this man for what he had done to his mother. He had treated her with less respect than he treated Harry with- and that was saying a great deal. He had been married to the woman, he was supposed to have given her his undying devotion… and yet it had all disappeared in an instant, and what was more, he'd turned violent. Not only had he spent years upon years tormenting Harry for something he wasn't responsible for, he'd actually physically hurt his mother, and scared her to the point where she was afraid for her child and self. It was disgusting…

"I will answer any questions you have," said Severus, scrutinizing Harry as he spoke. He knew what the boy was feeling towards him right now, but he couldn't let it change his approach… as resentful as Severus was towards Dumbledore, there was no denying that the headmaster knew Harry inside and out. Severus had resolved to take the steps he'd recommended. He might be right, after all, he had predicted this reaction from Harry. "Telling you all of this has been no easy task for me," he admitted. "But I felt you deserved to know… and I know you want little to do with me, but I'm not going to deny you the opportunity to make that decision with due deliberation. I have now given you all the facts, and I ask for only one thing- let me know when you do decide. I don't deserve much from you… but I ask that you'll allow me the consideration of being able to act accordingly. Beyond that, the rest is up to you."

Severus paused, looking uncomfortable about something, and then said slowly, "I know I have treated you… unwell… in the past, and this is the main reason for my hesitation in telling you, as of late. I had been deciding how best to approach you in the time immediately before our last lesson… so you know, I would not have left you in the dark."

Harry glared at him- how dare he choose this time, of all that he could have, to finally be fair? He was admitting he was wrong? Was he actually sitting there, saying he was open to whatever Harry needed from him? Since when did he do this kind of thing? Why now? Now, when Harry most wanted a reason to hate him, to yell at him, to say the million and one things on his mind…

"Is there anything you wish to know beyond what I've told you, at this time?" asked Severus, still watching the boy intently. It was ridiculous how obvious the child made his emotion… Severus didn't need any type of magic to tell what was on his mind.

Harry looked at him for a moment, and then said, "No," rising from his seat. "May I leave?"

Severus resisted the urge to insist he stayed, but Harry had done what he'd asked. He'd stayed and heard all Severus had aimed to say, and now the rest truly did lie in the boy's own hands. Severus had no more control over the situation.

"Yes," Severus replied, a bit grudgingly. "You may take the way out that we came.."

Harry nodded and turned to leave. Shortly before he'd reached the door, he heard Snape add from behind him, "If there's anything else you need, you know where you can find me… and you may do so."

xx End Chapter xx