Chapter 23

Some Sort of Understanding

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"I've been thinking a lot about all of this," Harry said, moving around the edge of the room as he spoke. "I'd be lying if I said a lot of really dark thoughts haven't been through my head in the process. But it turns out you were right…" He turned and looked at Snape for a moment, and said, "I don't want to wonder what if."

Severus looked at him for a moment. He didn't know what to do with this; all of a sudden, the boy was opening up to him. He wasn't pouring his heart out, no, but it was a step. What was Severus supposed to do? Was the boy expecting some sort of wonderful father, a happy family? The home Severus had grown up in was little of an example- could he possibly give Harry something better? "You realize," he said, "that I have no idea what I'm doing."

Harry raised his eyebrows. "Oh, I realize that," he said, and the corners of Snape's mouth twitched, as though he too understood the irony of the statement.

"And you understand," Severus continued, "how hard old habits are to break. I can't promise you that my effort to change will always be evident… but I can promise you that it will be there."

"So I'll just have to take your word for it?" Harry said slowly, studying Snape carefully. In all truth, he wasn't sure how he would be able to do this. He wasn't sure if he would be able to simply tolerate the old Snape… but then, something did seem different now. Maybe it was because of his newfound understanding… or maybe not.

"Yes," said Severus very seriously. "And you'll have to tell me when I'm not doing things right, because I won't know."

"And you're not going to get angry with me for that?" Harry asked doubtfully. Somehow, he couldn't picture him telling Snape that he was being a bad father and having the man simply accept it.

"I might," said Severus. "But since when do you care whether or not I'm angry with you?"

Harry shrugged. "Well, I do find it's generally best to avoid incurring your wrath."

"You're not wrong," Severus said, smirking at Harry in a way that almost constituted fondness. Now that he was actually talking to the boy, all bitter feelings put aside, he could see the underlying sense of humor that so closely resembled his own. He paused, and then said in as normal a tone as he could manage, "But you can tell me… I suppose I'll calm down and realize eventually that you're right. Or maybe I'll realize you're wrong; depends on how rational your qualm with me is."

He was surprised at how much easier it was to get those words out in a normal way, now that they were on the same level.

"No mind control, then?" Harry asked, smiling.

"No, afraid not," Severus responded. "Though, the atrocity of your Occlumency skills suggests to me that you wouldn't be too adept in the field anyways."

"I've grown better!" Harry said defensively, frowning. "You have to admit, I've grown better."

Severus looked him up and down a moment, and then, relenting, said, "Yes, you have improved."

Harry looked a bit taken aback… and in fact, he hadn't expected Snape to admit this. He gave him a half smile as he said, "Thank you."

Severus gave him an odd look, and then nodded before turning around to walk towards his desk. It was strange; the boy was so… sincere- more so than he would have expected. He took a seat, and they looked again at each other, each seemingly lost in thought for little more than two seconds.

"You should be going," Severus said after a moment, his voice more soft than usual. "Your friends will be wondering what I've done with you."

Harry smiled. "Yeah, they will be." He turned to leave, and then stopped again. "Can we still… can we keep this quiet, for just a little while?"

Severus nodded. "I believe that would be the wise choice. While the Dark Lord is still at large, anyways, it would be best to behave as though nothing has changed."

Harry couldn't keep the look on his face from falling. Did this mean that Snape was still going to treat him as horrid as ever in Potion's class? Did this still mean that he had to fear running into the teacher in the corridor?

"We'll both know," said Severus, seeming to know what Harry was thinking. "To the rest of the world, we'll be the same as ever, but we'll both know that things are changing."

Harry looked up at him, seemingly struggling with an inward debate. Finally, he settled on saying, "You're easier to talk to than I would have thought."

Snape gave him a vague smile, and Harry added, "How?"

Severus thoughtfully put his chin atop his hands, and said, "I just ask myself what your mother would say. She always had a way with words."

Harry looked down, mostly to hide the look he knew had flown onto his face. It was so strange hearing Snape refer to Lily as, "your mother." Even stranger was the fact that he was almost referring to Harry as… something of a son.

Harry looked back up at him and nodded. "Goodnight, sir," he said.

Severus hesitated for a moment before saying, "Goodnight, Harry."

For the first time since he'd come to Hogwarts, Harry left Snape's office with a small smile on his face.

xxx

As Harry found himself face to face with the Fat Lady's portrait, inquiring of him the password, he realized that he had no plan for how to deal with his friends. It was hard to determine the way he would react to certain things they might say, since his current mood was a bit ambiguous. He had felt strangely resolved as he'd left Snape's office, and though there was still much to learn about the man, and much for the man to learn about him, the lines of communication seemed much more open… perhaps there was room to work on building some sort of relationship.

But now he was faced with a multitude of new- or old, however one may look at it- relationships, ones he hadn't given much thought to in the past few weeks. He could only hope for the best in facing them- he could only hope that no touchy subjects would come up… but then, knowing the capacity his friends had for empathy, this wasn't a very reasonable hope.

"Runespoor," Harry muttered quietly, drawing a breath to prepare himself for his entry to the common room.

The portrait swung open. The moment Harry had entered the tower, the four bright faces of his Gryffindor friends immediately turned in his direction, each of their laughing faces only wrinkling more into cheery smiles.

"Harry!" Ron called, waving him over. Harry put on what he hoped was a pleasant smile and headed in their directions.

"What did Snape say?" Neville asked as soon as Harry sat down. Harry looked just in time to catch Hermione casting a reproachful look in his direction; he was almost certain she had warned them not to bring it up.

"Oh, you know," Harry said, managing a chuckle, and instantly cringing at how false it sounded. "Same as always." He straightened his face and attempted an impression of the Potions Master's deep and angry voice, "If you waste my time this year, I will…" he rolled his eyes. "So on, so forth."

Hermione looked as though she wished to scold Harry for mocking a professor, but she stayed resolutely silent. Ron looked for a moment as though he were going to say something, but when not one, but two glares from both girls of the party flew in his direction, his expression relented, and he resumed his earlier conversation of Quidditch. This led Harry to be even more curious about what they had spoken of while he was gone, but he didn't challenge it. He was much more thankful to listen to his best friend's chatter on the topic of Quidditch, even though it had been exhausted today, than he was to the more sensitive alternatives.

Harry listened for a while to the banter between his friends. As soon as he had stayed long enough not to seem rude, he excused himself to write his letter to Lupin, bidding them all goodnight. They watched him go in a bit of confusion at his early withdrawal from the conversation but raised no objections.

Sitting in his room, with quill poised against the clean parchment, Harry couldn't quite think what to write. Should he start with a topic addressed by Lupin in his last letter? Yes, that seemed to be a good beginning…

Dear Professor Lupin,

I know you've been very busy, so any letter you have time to write me is great. I'm happy to hear from you.

I hope you're doing alright. My visit this summer was so brief that I had little time to catch up with anyone other than Ron and Hermione. I sometimes feel a little out of touch with everything that is going on, but I guess it's a necessary measure, especially when most of the contact we have is through the post.

My summer since leaving the Dursleys' has been rather eventful, but I am doing well, all things considered.

Here Harry paused, giving some final consideration to a thought which had been stowing away in the back of his mind for some time now. He had a feeling that if there was anybody to understand… anyone who would speak to him with only his best interests at heart, it was Lupin. But would he feel differently, knowing the facts which Harry was considering sharing with him? Did he base his friendship with Harry on the fact that James was Harry's father?

With small hope that none of this was true, Harry wrote on.

Much of what I would like to tell you right now can hardly be written in a letter, but I could certainly use a trustworthy person to talk to. Hopefully I will be able to see you sometime soon. There is so much to catch up on. I should warn you that some of what I have to tell you might come as a bit of a shock. I just want you to be prepared. If you cannot write me back immediately or make it to Hogwarts, I understand, but I'll be happy to see you if you can come.

Sincerely,

Harry

Harry sat back to inspect his work, and feeling that it was as good as it was going to get, he folded it and put it in an envelope addressed to Lupin. He was surprised to see that Hedwig had not made her way down to the school Owlery, but he was nevertheless grateful as he tied his message to her left leg and sent her on her way. He remained by the window for just a moment, watching her small, white form disappear into the clear night, and then climbed into his warm bed. Not two minutes later, he heard footsteps coming towards his room, and he pulled the maroon hangings shut before anyone could intrude on his thoughts.

xxx

"It looks like we've got double Defense against the Dark Arts first," said Hermione while Harry and Ron finished their breakfasts. "Followed by Charms in the afternoon. You two will have about an hour's break before lunch, but I'll be in Arithmancy. Well, you two will be able to get started on the homework together..."

Harry and Ron exchanged looks, but remained quiet. They would not be spending their first free period doing homework, that was for certain.

"Wonder what it'll be like having the real Mad-Eye Moody for a change," Ron wondered aloud as breakfast came to a close and they began moving slowly with the crowd of students heading towards the doors.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were among the last students to arrive in the classroom, and as they looked for seats, Harry overheard his fellow students speculating on the identity of the new Defense teacher. He smiled and exchanged looks with Ron and Hermione; it was not the first time that they knew something their classmates did not.

A few stray Ravenclaws filtered in just moments before the bell rang, and the class waited in hushed anticipation. A moment later, the door at the back of the classroom opened, and the few whispers around the room came to a sudden halt. At the back of the room stood Professor Snape, glaring around at all of them.

Harry blinked several times as the man robed in black strode past his desk towards the front of the room. When he'd reached the desk, he placed several labeled vials atop it, and bent down to write something on a parchment lying there. He seemed to become aware of the fact that twenty pairs of eyes were on him, because he slowly lifted his hooded gaze to the class, a smirk forming around his lips.

"Never fear," Snape intoned, looking satisfied at stirring such a reaction, "Your teacher is on his way. I would say better late than never, but all things considered..."

At that very moment, the door opened and the room resonated with the rising and falling clunk of Moody's unmistakable wooden leg hitting the floor as he limped up the aisle between the desks. The class turned to gaze at him in astonishment, and Snape straightened, a look of displeasure coming over his features.

"Professor Moody," Snape said in way of greeting, though it was clear from his tone that he was not at all happy to see him. "How good of you to join us. I was beginning to wonder if I'd need to teach the class for you."

"Aye, I'm sure you'd like that, wouldn't you?" Moody snarled as he reached the front of the classroom. Then, leaning in close, added, "Of course, the Headmaster might not. But I hear Potions is keeping you out of trouble... tamed, they say you are... though I don't know if I believe it."

Everyone else in the classroom was looking around at each other; to them, it seemed that Snape and Moody were simply whispering at each other at the front of the room. To Harry, however, who was sitting directly in front of them, could hear every word and found himself hoping for Snape's sake that he would not rise to the bait.

"Perhaps you'd like to stop by my office one day to test just how tame I really am, Professor Moody," Snape sneered.

Moody's normal eye narrowed, making his electric blue one seem even more bizarre. "I think you'd better be gettin' along now, Snape, before this conversation heads somewhere you don't like."

"I was just thinking the same thing," said Snape evenly, as he straightened his shoulders and glared down his nose at Moody. "After all, you've a class to be getting on with. Perhaps you should start by teaching them how to refrain from getting locked in their own trunks for the duration of the school year. Yes, I think that would be a fitting first lesson..."

Moody made a sudden movement as though to strike Snape, but then thought better of it. Far from being intimidated, the corner of Snape's mouth curled into a triumphant smirk. He then turned his gaze to the classroom and announced, "Well, I shall leave you all in Professor Moody's capable-" he aimed one last pointed look of doubt in Moody's direction, "-hands. Good luck to all of you."

He then departed; Moody's eye visibly turned to follow him, all the way out the door and down the corridor beyond. Their new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher appeared, moments later, unshaken, as he turned to speak to them.

"Dark Wizards," he began, "are all around…"

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"It was amazing, Ginny," Ron was saying later that night as they sat in the common room, relating their experiences of the day. "Moody stared him down, and Snape just left... wish they would have dueled, though."

"Moody would have won," Neville said, seemingly visualizing it by the dreamy smile on his face.

"I don't know about that," Hermione disagreed, shaking her head.

Ron wrinkled his nose and narrowed his eyes acrimoniously. "Yeah, but Moody's been fighting Dark Wizards all his life, and he's still not been done in-"

"But look at the state he's in," Hermione returned. She waved Ron off as he opened his mouth to argue that point, saying, "But it's of no matter. The fact is, they shouldn't have even been saying such things in front of the whole class. Unprofessional, really."

"Snape shouldn't have provoked him," Ron said, settling back in his chair, as though that settled it.

"…But, did he?"

All eyes turned to Harry in shock, and he met their gazes not realizing of how odd this sounded coming from him. "Really, who provoked who?"

"Are you feeling alright, mate?" asked Ron.

"I'm just saying maybe you should lay off him, that's all," Harry snapped, but instantly regretted it when shock registered on each of his friends' faces. Feeling suddenly as though he should have kept his mouth shut, Harry simply shrugged and looked down a his homework. He wished they could just avoid the topic of Snape.

There was a moment of awkward silence, which Ginny broke. "Right, well… it's late, I should be getting off to bed…"

"Me too," Neville said a little too quickly, jumping up from his seat.

"Neville, your staircase is over there..." Ginny corrected him as he started to follow her, appearing flustered.

"Oh, right.." And Neville crossed the common room quickly looking quite red-faced.

"What's up with you?" Ron asked peevishly as soon as they had gone, and Harry sighed; he had been hoping they could drop the argument.

"Maybe Harry's just finally given up bashing Snape after he's just saved his life again," said Hermione in Harry's defense.

Harry felt a rush of gratitude for Hermione and quickly agreed, "Sorry, Ron- I know you weren't here when all of that happened. But... he helped me a lot... I just think it's a poor way to repay him, speaking poorly of him-"

"Yeah, and when's that ever stopped you before?" asked Ron, who clearly wasn't buying it. "I mean, Snape's a git, there's no arguing that point. Right?"

"Yeah, sure Ron," Harry muttered, feeling his face growing hot with frustration. "You know, I think I'll go to bed too."

Hermione shot Ron a reproving look and mouthed the words, "drop it", but it was too late. Harry didn't want to continue a conversation where he could so easily say too much.

"I'll see you guys in the morning," Harry said as he slung his bag over his shoulders and headed for the dormitory stairs, pretending not to hear Hermione and Ron's hushed arguing about him as he went.

xxx End Chapter xxx