Hufflepuff!
Severus is found out as a spy among the Death Eaters and runs for his life. Along the way, he makes some shocking discoveries about Harry Potter.
Takes Place: 4th summer
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Snape flavour: None
Tags: Alternate Universe, Resorting, Slytherin!Harry, Snape-meets-Dursleys
Categories: Parental Snape
Membership status: Member
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Reviews by KelinciHutan
Rated: 16+
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Warnings: Abusive Dursleys, Alcohol Use, Profanity, Violence
Chapters: 43 - Completed: No - Updated: 04 Jan 2012 / 23 Jul 2009
Series: None - Challenges: None
Chapters: 43 - Completed: No - Updated: 04 Jan 2012 / 23 Jul 2009
Series: None - Challenges: None
| Title: Chapter 42: Chapter 42: Memories and the Crumple-Horned Snorkack | 19 Aug 2010 |
| Reviewer: KelinciHutan (Signed) |
- I have not read up to the end of where you've written, but I think I've read far enough that I can give you, hopefully, a helpful review.
I want to be clear in this: I think you're writing a story with an good plot and you've got some very engaging sidelines going on as well. Clearly, plotting is a strong suit of yours, and it really shines in this fic.
Having said that, there are some areas in which you're clearly struggling. Your characterization, for example, while it is good overall (nobody is acting--in the grand scheme--in a manner I can't believe, with one exception), in the small instances, you sometimes seem to sacrifice characterization for expediency or clarity. For example, Harry and Snape's relationship going from antagonistic to caring goes awfully fast. The end result of them liking each other is believable, certainly, but you have an opportunity to really show us how they argue and make up and learn to get along with each other's faults and strengths, but you've only got two fights (to the point that I read), and both of them minor ones, at that.
Next, you have, in some important places, told us things about characters that you might have done better to show. Draco Malfoy is clearly undergoing some rethinking in his worldview, which you tell us in the scene at Malfoy manner. But it would be more powerful if you showed us things like that. Have Draco meet up with Snape or the Weasleys in Diagon Alley and give us a chance to see him in action, as he's beginning to rethink things. By demonstrating with a character's actions what's going on in their head, the message becomes more powerful. Because now your audience hasn't just been given information, they've seen that information in action.
You've run into a few minor technical problems with dialogue, but nothing serious. I would recommend reading spoken passages aloud, back to yourself. If it sounds unnatural when you say it, it will probably "sound" unnatural when we read it (with the obvious exception of Snape, who always speaks precisely ;). Also, I'm having trouble deciding if you're writing each scene in a third-person omniscient POV or a third-person limited one. If it's omniscient, be careful not to write too much of a scene inside any one character's head, so that it's not surprising when you bring in a new person's thoughts. If limited, be sure to keep strictly to one character's thoughts and no one else's.
My last piece of concrit, and the only thing you've written so far that I've found outright unbelievable, is Harry's resorting, the Sorting Hat being the one character who is doing something I simply can't believe. You have read the books and so have I and everyone, so we all know that no one is resorted. Ever. It's just not a thing that happens. And while Houses often go in family's, they don't always. The Patil twins and Sirius Black are just two examples.
I know this is a terribly critical review, so I'm going to tag it at the end by saying again, I really think you've got a good story here. It's got a good plot, and great conflict. I also think it's unfortunate that it suffers from these problems, but I can tell from reading this that you are a good writer and you can overcome those. Having looked at your profile page, I can also tell you're not the sort to quit. So, I will keep reading this story, and look forward to more from you in the future.
All the best,
Kel :)