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Reviews For Sons of Reproach
Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad to hear you like, not only the type of story, but this story itself. It's always encouraging to hear people say so.
Author's Response: Good to hear! Hopefully you'll keep reading, and reviewing, then! ^_^
I can't wait to see where Snape takes Harry. Author's Response: Ah, my chapters tend to be long -- probably because I tend to ramble. XD But I'm glad you're enjoying reading it so far. It's always great to hear people like your work.
Author's Response: Thank you. Hopefully the rest of the story is to your liking, too. ^_^
I liked how much of the background information was included at first. We often read stories set after OoTP, and we're supposed to just know what's going on, and did go on. We always do, but for a story after first year, it's good that we are reminded because for most of us, it's been a long while since we were at the end of that book, without the rest. Typo:"...and it was also for this reason that Vernon Dursley chose that moment to his him in the back of the head.." hit him? I liked this: "When he was seventeen, though, he planned to take them to a highly wizard-populated area and leave them there just for the amusement of it.." LOL! It's just so natural for Harry to think thoughts like that when he was younger. It would be hilarious too! I think you forgot to include Harry's response here: "No, sir! Not unless Harry Potter, sir, promises not to go back to school, sir!" "Then no, sir! No, you cannot have them, sir!" Should be in the middle there. :) This was a fantastic description: "Harry found out quickly that it is very hard to climb stairs while another, taller person is trying to pull you up them by your hair. He stumbled on the fourth step, fell on the sixth with a gasp that Uncle Vernon ignored, was dragged up five more, and at last managed to regain his footing three steps before the second story landing." Great job with that! You have quick movement, expression of pain and absurdness while still having the feeling of the writing in the Harry Potter books. Watch your pronouns. Usually, the stated name is going to be assumed as the next "he" or she". Some examples: "Uncle Vernon stopped rather abruptly in front of Harry's door, which refused to open, sending Harry crashing into him and him crashing into the doorframe." This is confusing because it's not really clear if the second "him" is Vernon or Harry. if it's supposed to be Vernon, it would make more sense as "sending Harry crashing into his back, and pushing Vernon into the doorframe." "Vernon Dursley flung the door open and threw Harry inside, where the boy managed to trip over a book in the floor..." You can use "he" here and not "the boy" because it's understood that it's Harry. :) I love, love the scene when Snape is noticing everything that is off about Harry, and he checks the owl, and checks the door, and finally, he's like "We're leaving". Fantastic buildup and great scene! Harry's bewilderment is priceless. Great way to end the chapter! Good let off. :) Hehe. I am just as curious and surprised as Harry is. :) Really, really great ending. I liked how you mentioned that Moby Dick was the portkey, that was real. If you get a Beta to go back over your chapters, or you want sometime, don't forget to break up the run on sentences. :) I know you know. :P Here's a good example: Harry just shook it off, but he did walk a little faster as he lugged his Hogwarts trunk and his owl, Hedwig's, cage toward the waiting car. Petunia and Dudley Dursley, Harry's aunt and cousin, were already inside, and it was partly because he would have to sit next to his cousin in the car, where there was no possible means of escape should Dudley decide to find courage and go back to his old routine of hitting Harry, that the young wizard was dreading it. And this: Harry jerked awake to find that both the hand with the death grip on his shoulder, and the whispering voice, were quite real. Standing there above him, the pallid face and greasy black hair illuminated by a sliver of moonlight that had found its way through the bars that now covered Harry's window, was one of the last people he wanted to see while he was hungry and sore: Severus Snape, the Potions Master at Hogwarts. You can rewrite without mentioning where the light came from: Harry jerked awake to find that both the hand with the death grip on his shoulder, and the whispering voice, were quite real. Standing there above him, the pallid face and greasy black hair illuminated by a sliver of moonlight, was one of the last people he wanted to see while he was hungry and sore: Severus Snape, the Potions Master at Hogwarts. Don't include unnecessary information when you are trying to give a snapshot of a description. Be careful of explaining the same thing twice: "Harry glared at Snape and made his voice forcibly calm as he tried to explain without raising his voice what had happened." Harry's voice is explained twice, it works fine just once: "Harry glared at Snape and made his voice forcibly calm as he tried to explain what had happened." I know sometimes it seems that actions have to be written together, in the same sentence if they occur quickly or at the same time, but that's not the case. It actually can occur quicker, and smoother in the reader's mind if the actions are separate sentences, and not a run on. I had to learn that the hard way. It's better for a reader to be able to read your work easily, because then they aren't aware of the words or sentence structure. They are living in the moment. I think you can do it. :) It might feel like you're stuttering at first, but you'll soon find your grooove. My advice to you is that you should probably go back and edit chapter 1. it's more important than any other chapter, because chapter 1 is the chapter that your new readers get to first. it's what makes them decide to continue reading or not. I go back and edit my chapter 1's all the time. Author's Response: Yes, I really do need to go back and edit the early chapters for typos and run-ons. This was actually the first fanfiction story I ever wrote, much less published. I didn't have a program with spellcheck at that point, either, which is important for typos. I've had a lot more practice writing and betaing since then, too, and that will definitely help. Thanks so much for the really extensive list of pointers; constructive criticism really is a writer's best friend. Not to mention the fact that you cut down on the time it will take to locate some of those evil run-ons, too. :)
*throws you skittles* Keep writing! Author's Response: Thanks for the welcome, and the review. I'm glad you like my story. It is certainly a lot of fun to write. Then again, I love to write pretty much anything; I could probably have fun writing my own will. :) Yay! Skittles! *catches Skittles and sits cross-legged in a corner, eating the purple ones first* Yess, purple Skittles rock! |
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