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Reviews For Spinners End
There are a few things you could do to improve the story however. For starters you need more detail in each scene. You could have easily turned this chapter into three or four with more details. For example don't say 'they went to the store and...' try describing the store a bit and the character's reactions. When you're writing its easy to see what you're talking about because you're the one writing it. You're readers have no idea so you have to create the scene for them. Remember: Show don't tell. Also, I like stories have a 'realistic' level of CP, but there's something off about it in this story. Try expanding the scenes after Snape is through punishing Harry. For example instead of "snape held him..." try describing how he held him, what were his hands doing, what did Harry look like, what was the body language. You have a tendency to put an entire scene in one paragraph. Also, we need to know more about their feelings. A fact that could easily be fixed with more details. The best suggestion: get a beta. Beta's will help to let you know when you need more details and when you need less. A beta can check for a number of things that are easily overlooked by the writer. Once you find a beta take half of this chapter and try rewriting it with more details. You'll be amazed at the results. Overall, this is a really good start and you're a good writer. With a little work this story could be one of the best. Please update soon.
I enjoy the plotline and think it has a lot of potential, but I do agree with other reviewers that the emotional development just isn't there. If Harry has been previously abused, he would most likely be very shy and eager to please any adult around him. I'm not sure he would be bold enough to use the F-word on his first day with his new guardian. I like how Harry compared the swat he received for getting to close to the stove to the severity of his uncle's thrashings. But I do have to say that the spanking Severus gave him with the paddle would remind him of that. It seemed too harsh of a punishment for a five-year-old. A few swats should be enough. Like I said, I do feel that you've added a bit more detail in this story than in the other one of yours that I read. You should continue to be as descriptive as you possibly can. I know that sometimes it feels as if you're working a chapter to death with details, but I promise it's what makes a story that much more intriguing. It allows the reader to get a picture in his mind of what he's reading and he's able to connect with the characters if they are given more depth. I think you should keep going with this. Just take it a paragraph at a time and see how descriptive you can be. See what you can add to enhance it. Before you continue, though, I would reccommend reworking this chapter and dimming down the spanking. If you still want to employ the corporal punishment in this story, I think that the swat Harry received for getting to close to the stove or jumping on the bed makes much more sense than anything else. Any more than that, and I think it's too over-the-top. Anyway, this is meant as constructive criticism, and I hope you take it as such :) You write rather well.
For examples of what I mean: when Pomfrey came over the chapter could have a sentence about her putting on her hat as she leaves, and straightening it out. When walking down the stairs, Harry could steady himself with the railing, test the first stair going down, notice any creaks on the steps as he puts his weight on them. There was an AWESOME moment when Harry stomped his feet and Snape swooped to pick him up, but it was too short and good bits were left out. Harry's surprise could have been noted on, he could have squeaked when he was lifted up; was he off balance? Did he struggle? Did Snape breathe out harshly when he picked Harry up? How did he pick him up? We just got: "Harry walks over stomping his feet every step of the way. He gets about three steps before he is picked up and carried over to the couch. He gasps as he feels himself going over Severus’ knees..." Things are skipped, things that make chapters a little more full and vibrant. I'd really like to see that. Details like these make a story alive. Without them, and with a fast pace, a story comes out more like a summary. It's not as enjoyable. I really appreciate Snape's sternness in this story. Nice job. However, it does seem a little off that Snape's first reaction to an abused child is to physically punish him. Usually CP works best if there isn't a history of physical abuse, otherwise it's digging back into the damage despite the best of intentions. Harry has to at least heal physically completely, and some emotionally/mentally before anything of that nature is attempted for it to sit right. (no pun intended! 0 ;) Your Harry is very good, in character and enjoyable to read. Good start to your story!
This is not meant as a flame, just constructive criticism since you wrote in the authors note that this chapter was meant to set the tone for the whole series. I hope you will adjust a bit, because I won't read it if it continues quite like that even though I like the storyline! |
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