While I read the warning for gruesome imagery and extreme abuse, I can't help but say I was shocked even after absorbing the warning. Unless Vernon Dursley *isn't* himself, I find the level of abuse very unrealistic. What is the purpose of such brutality? Why write it at such an extreme level? It adds nothing to the plot and, frankly, makes me rather ill.
Your paragraphs are also rather lengthy and are often difficult to read without skimming.
My suggestion would be to lessen the graphic nature of Vernon's abuse, as I don't feel it's necessary to the direction of your story. You'll end up turning off a lot of potential readers. Also, if you haven't gotten a beta reader to check for run-on sentences and grammar mistakes, someone could help you out with that.
| Title: Chapter 1: So It Begins.....
| 20 Oct 2008 8:24 am
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| Reviewer: Shannon (Anonymous)
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Sounds pretty interesting... but wow, do you have long sentences! A lot of them are run-on sentences. Perhaps you could consider splitting some up.
Generally, short sentences are a lot easier to read than long ones; your readers will be able to maintain their attention longer. As a result, they'll like your story more!
Anyway, great start. I look forward to the next chapter! ;-)
Great beginning! I will deffinently keep reading if you keep writing! Great job!
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