The rest of dinner passed by with relative normalcy. Well, Harry mused, as normal as dinner can be when the nastiest Professor in school was flinging his apple sauce at you. The sauce missiles (as the Weasley twins had dubbed them- muttering about a new idea for their business) had not only struck Ron. Snape had targeted the Gryffindor table on the whole. Harry himself had received two, Seamus one in the eye, and Neville was still digging the sauce out of his ear. It was amazing accuracy and distance for their little Professor.

Snape himself, at that moment, was once again strapped into the carrier on Hermione’s back as they all climbed the stairs to their tower. Ron was still grumbling about a situation which Harry had begun to slowly accept. It was, after all, his fault. Well, mostly anyway.

“You think Dumbledore would have given him to the Slytherins. He is their Head of House after all.” Ron continued plucking sauce from his red hair as the complaints rolled by. “Why do we always get landed with everything. ‘Save the Stone’ ‘Kill the Basilisk’ ‘Free Sirius’. Honestly, we’re only children!”

“Now Ron,” Hermione began, still miffed with what she viewed as immature behavior at the current situation. “No one actually asked us to do any of those things.”

“Ya ya,” Ron replied. He threw another heated glare at Snape, which was returned. Pointing to the Professor he added, “He seems to be enjoying himself though. I wouldn’t be surprised if he planned all this to happen. A jolly good laugh for him. Git.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Hermione adjusted the carrier as if she needed to somehow shield Snape from Ron’s words. “Professor Snape would never in a million years want to turn himself into a baby.”

Harry had to agree with that. The only shining light in the tunnel he now seemed to be stuck in was Snape’s horror and embarrassment when he returned to his normal- sneering- insulting- and unpleasant self. Harry really missed him at that moment.

Luckily they had reached the portrait of the Fat Lady before Harry could reflect on missing Snape. She looked at them with bored disinterest at first, until she noticed the bundle on Hermione’s back. “My goodness,” she began with a stern expression in her eyes, “someone should have told you pre-marital affairs should be undertaken with protection.”

The three gaped at her open mouth and bug-eyed. “You don’t honestly think-” Harry began, but stopped before saying any of the words that ran through his head. Words like Hermione and us… “Nevermind,” he snapped. “Just let us in. Ask Professor McGonagall about it.”

The Fat Lady lifted her nose. “I most certainly will. Won’t have these kinds of things going on in my tower, under my guard.”

“Oh for Merlin’s Sake.” Hermione rubbed her forehead. “Xeta Capurnicus.”

The Fat Lady gave them one last disapproving look before swinging open and admitting them into the Common Room. Ron stood shaking his head. “Didn’t she notice that Hermione hasn’t been pregnant at all. I may not be the brightest Galleon in the vault, but even I’m not that stupid.” Hermione turned to him with a raised eyebrow and remark on her tongue when Ron threw her a look that said quite plainly, Not Now.

Hermione took the hint and started to unhook the fastener on the carrier. Snape gave a small noise disturbingly similar to a snort, indicating his annoyance at the sudden movements. Hermione continued to swing the carrier around as gently as she could before removing Snape. She held him firmly under his bottom and brought him to her shoulder, which he happily rested his head against.

Just as the three were about to sit down to discuss the sleeping arrangements for the night they were again assaulted by the other members of Gryffindor tower. Most notable amoung them were Lavander and Parvati. Both girls squawked over Snape like a couple of chickens bobbing their heads.

“Can I hold him?” Parvati asked Hermione in a rush, eyes sparkling over from excitement. Hermione looked down to Snape who kept squirming away from Parvati’s hands.

“I don’t know,” Hermione began hestiantly, drawing him closer. “Sevvy doesn’t really like people.”

“Sevvy!” Lavander exclaimed before clasping her hands together in delight. “That is so very cute!”

Now Snape looked down right green, like he was going to be sick. Harry swore he understood at least a gist of what was being said. After all, their Professor had always seemed to display almost telepathic abilities. Although, he was pretty sure Snape wasn’t quite as mentally there as he used to be. Then again Harry thought he remembered something about babies reacting to vocal tones.

Either way he didn’t want to be held by anybody other than Hermione. Oblivious to this fact, Lavander practically tore him away from Hermione. She bit back whatever she was about to say- but her eyes were throwing unforgivable curses at Lavander.

She didn’t notice this, but held Snape in front of her and proceeded to make several contorted faces which would have frightened Harry himself, let alone the baby. “Oh- he’s a cutie wootie! A little adorable thing- isn’t he. Yes, yes, he is- he is!”

Snape’s face scrunched in a fashion the three recognized by now. “Uh-oh,” Ron moaned before shoving both pinkies into his ears. Harry did the same, and very soon the cry of Professor Snape -baby extraordinaire- rang throughout the tower.

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!! WWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAA!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!! WWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!”

“For goodness’ sakes Lavander!” George shouted. “Give him back! I wouldn’t want your ugly mug staring up at me either!”

Lavander began to tear up herself before handing Snape back to Hermione. As soon as he was safely against her shoulder again the cries ceased. Everyone stared in open amazement.

“Wow,” Seamus said after several quiet moments. “He really has taken a liken to you, hasn’t he?”

Hermione didn’t respond, only continued to pat Snape on the back. Ron shook his head in disbelief.

“Never would have guessed the way he always insults you in class. Maybe he figures you’re the one less likely to get him killed.” Ron then sighed and sat down beside Hermione on the sofa, sinking into its cushions. “It’s been too long a day.”

“Here here,” Harry replied, taking the seat next to him. Only a few hours and he was already beginning to get tired.

“You two act like you’ve been doing all the work,” Hermione stated, now rubbing little circles in the middle of Snape’s shoulders. Harry didn’t respond. He knew full well Hermione was right. This was, after all, mostly his fault. Guilt began to creep over him like a slowly descending fog, obscuring everything else he might have felt.

Ron snorted. “Well, it is kind of a girl thing, isn’t it?”

Hermione’s head snapped to the side, her face filling with anger. “What is that supposed to mean?!”

“I mean taking care of babies. Mum is always looking after us boys,” Ron replied. Clearly he didn't understand what had offended her.

“For your information Ron,” Hermione hissed out his name causing both Ron and Harry to wince slightly, “boys are just as capable of looking after babies as girls are.”

Ron threw up his hands. “Fine, fine. Point taken.” Harry leaned back into the couch, glad Ron hadn’t decided to push the argument any further. Hermione still looked furious, absently tossing a strand of hair away from her face.

It seemed, though, that Hermione wasn’t quite finished. “I’m tired and I have a load of homework to do.”

“Surprise surprise,” Ron replied softly. A glare from Hermione and Snape made him wince.

“So I’m going to leave him to you two for the night.”

“WHAT!” Harry and Ron shouted at the same time. Snape looked at them from Hermione’s shoulder with his eyebrows raised, obviously wondering what all the fuss was about.

“You can’t be serious!” Ron added. “He hates us! He hates me!” The last word was said with a panicked whine. Harry nodded his head vigorously, in total agreement with Ron. Hermione pressed her lips together tightly while regarding the two of them.

“Dumbledore said that it was all our responsibility to look after him. Not just mine. This is just like the two of you, never taking school assignments seriously.”

“Hermione,” Harry began, stunned that she was even treating this event as another piece of reading, “this is taking care of a baby- Snape at that- not an essay for History of Magic!”

“No kidding!” Ron added, a similarly stunned expression on his face. “Not like he’s a three foot bit of parchment- is he?”

“Of course not!” Her voice was steadily growing colder. “I’m not suggesting he is. All I’m saying is that it’s something we’ve been assigned to do. All three of us.” She then stood up swiftly, pulled Snape away from her shoulder and into her hands. She then bent over and laid him straight into Harry’s lap. The boys looked up at her, mouths working furiously but no sound coming out. She then gave a last look at Snape, her features softening for the first time, before walking across the room- up the stairs- and into her chambers.

“Traitor!” Ron called out. Harry remained silent, only looking down at the squirming infant in his lap, who was looking back up at him with disgust. Then Harry noticed a very disturbing sight revealed by an opening in Snape’s pajamas. “I can’t believe she just did that!”

“Well,” Harry began- uncertain of how to say it, “I think we have a bigger problem.”

Ron groaned and sank further into the couch. “And what could that possibly be?”

“The unicorns,” Harry paused and waited until Ron was also looking down at Snape, “they’ve stopped dancing.”

No matter how many angles they turned Snape, and no matter how hard they stared, the unicorns had indeed stopped in their prancing across Snape’s nappy. Even when they tore off the pajamas the unicorns remained still, except for the occasional shaking of their heads. Harry and Ron kept looking back and forth between themselves and the nappy, both hesitant to unfasten them.

“Just do it quickly,” Seamus supplied helpfully. A small crowd had gathered around the trio. Snape was laying in the center of the table which was usually used for playing Wizard’s Chess. His face was gazing up at them with a look that said, ‘well don’t just stand there you dunderheads! Get this disgusting thing off of me!’

Harry drew in a deep breath. “Okay,” he muttered to the group. “Here we go.”

“Wait,” Ron said as he grasped for Harry’s arm, now poised directly over the nappy's fastening. “I don’t think I can do this. I mean, he’s already nailed me once- what’s to stop him from doing it again.”

Harry glared back. “Do you think I want to wipe my Professor’s arse?! Let alone Snape’s arse! I can tell you, it’s not on my top ten list of things to check out in the Mirror of Erised.”

Ron gulped. “Not to mention having to look at his- his- thing.”

Horror struck all the members of the crowd. No, they most certainly did not want to look at Professor Snape’s thing.

“Alright, here’s what we’re going to do,” Harry began, sounding like Oliver before one of their Quidditch practices. “We’re going to pretend it’s not Snape.”

Ron glanced down at their Professor, trying to imagine that he was not Snape at all, but a un-descript baby from an un-descript couple-- maybe even his own parents. He had almost removed the fact that their Professor was kicking and squirming on the table, but unfortunately it was at that moment Snape decided to send another baby-snarl. “I can’t. Look at him Harry! He’s snarling at us!”

Harry sighed. “Look, its got to be done. Hermione isn’t coming down. We’ve just got to grit our teeth and do it. We are Gryffindor’s after all.”

“We better get a hundred points for this,” Ron replied in sullen defeat before nodding to indicate that Harry should proceed.

Harry briefly considered grabbing his dragon scale gloves from his bag before deciding against it. In Snape’s current form his skin was soft and would probably get bruised or cut. He mentally counted to three and then- with trembling hands- undid the fastening of the nappy. He grabbed both of Snape’s legs awkwardly, earning several small noises of protest as he did so, and pulled down the front of the nappy. Its contents was revealed to all.

“EEEEEWWWW!!!” was the collective response. Neville’s cheeks bulged, and he was quick to cover his mouth with his hands before running to the nearest bathroom. Indeed, the sight was quite grotesque as the not-so-very solid pile of what remained of the apple sauce was in full view. Say nothing of the smell.

“Worse then Troll Bogies,” muttered Ron as he pinched his nose shut. Harry did the same, and gingerly pulled the nappy away from the Potion’s Master. He quickly folded it up and threw it into a waste can that had been specially provided for this need. “You greasy git, I hope your pleased with yourself,” Ron said to Snape. “That was one of the most revolting things I’ve ever seen in my life.”

Snape did look extremely pleased, now that the contents of the diaper had been removed.

Harry returned and again lifted him by the legs off the table, all the while keeping a safe distance away. “Someone get the wipes out of the bag and another nappy.” After a moment he added, “and that powder stuff.”

Ron quickly complied, as did several of the other boys, all wanting to get away from their naked Professor. Ron beat them all to the bag, and set to digging inside of it until he had fetched the all the items Harry had asked for.

Ron handed them back to Harry- who was desperately trying to remember what Dumbledore had done. He took out one of the wipes from the small container, all the while telling himself this was not Snape. He quickly cleaned away what remained from the nappy before in one swipe. He was both amazed and stunned, that is, until the words on the box made it clear.

“Thank you Mrs. Skowers,” Harry muttered after reading the label. The witch’s picture on the top nodded to him in complete understanding.

Harry took hold of the powder, and scanned over the label. Ingredients he didn’t recognize were listed, but it promised to prevent rashes. Harry shrugged his shoulders and tried hard not to think of what Snape would have to say to him about applying a powder he knew nothing about onto Snape’s person. He unstopped the top of the bottle and tilted it over his Professor. Harry shook it a few times, hoping it would be enough. It turned out to be more than enough, as the room soon was consumed by a sparkling white cloud, and soon everyone coughed as that cloud rolled over them.

Panicking, Harry quickly covered Snape’s face with his pajamas, hoping that Snape wouldn’t breath much of it in. Then the thought that it could be toxic to all of them flashed through his mind.

Almost as quickly as it had grown, the cloud of baby powder settled around them. It left the Common Room and its occupants covered in a fine white dusting. Harry patted as much of it as he could off the top of Snape, who wasn’t coughing at all.

Suddenly, the powder up and disappeared.

“That was weird,” Harry said, shrugging at Ron.

“Its supposed to do that,” Ron replied as he recalled his mum’s complaints about it. “I guess it’s good for your skin though.”

Harry nodded, relieved he hadn’t endangered anyone, and reached for the final stage of the changing- reapplying the nappy.

It took several minutes, and ultimately some spell-o-tape, until finally it no longer slipped off of Snape. Harry sighed in happiness and looked again towards Ron. “Now what?”

Ron was busy trying to convince Snape to return to his duck pajamas. “Why don’t we play a game of Wizard’s Chess?”

Harry nodded. “Sounds like a good idea.” He pointed to Snape, whose right arm Ron had finally stuffed into its complimenting sleeve. “What about him?”

As if a magical chime had sounded, all the other students mumbled about getting some sleep or doing homework and quickly scattered from the room. Harry and Ron sighed to each other. “Let’s just stuff him into that rolling-chair--erm--thing.” He buttoned up the pajamas and grabbed the chair he had mentioned.

The chair was designed to allow Snape to roll around freely with little effort on his own part since he was unable to walk- and had several blocks connected to the top to offer amusement. Like the highchair in the Great Hall, it offered adequate support for his tiny body as well.

“You sure that’s a good idea?” Harry asked, looking at it with suspicion. “Shouldn’t we keep an eye on him?”

Ron shrugged. “C’mon Harry. The door is closed, he can’t go up the stairs- what’s the harm?”

Indeed, what was the harm Harry wondered. It looked safe so he lifted Snape off the table, carried him to the chair, and sat him inside of it. After Snape was securely in place, he walked back over to the table where Ron had already removed the changing cover and replaced it with his chess board.

Soon any concern for keeping his eye on Snape left when Ron took one of his Bishops.

After an hour Ron grinned and proclaimed, “Checkmate!”

Harry groaned and removed his glasses briefly to rub his eyes. “You always win,” he muttered before replacing them. Ron smiled brightly, reveling for several minutes in his victory. Then it was as if someone had turned the light on in his head.

“Hey Harry?”

“Ya?” Harry replied before yawning.

Ron looked around the room. “Where’s Snape?”

Harry’s eyes snapped wide open and he jumped from his seat. “Snape?!”

“Ya, you know- little body, pudgy face, drool, wailing, pissing, crapping? Where is he?”

They both glanced at each other for a few seconds before running through the room. After a while of searching with no results, Ron began to panic. He even resorted to lifting up the cushions on the couch. “Dumbledore should’ve known better!” he moaned. “Where in the world is he?”

Harry didn’t reply, still inspecting the spaces between the bookshelf. “It’s alright, just keep your head on!.”

“Oh man Harry.” Ron’s voice wavered. “We are in such big trouble. Can you imagine? ‘Excuse me Headmaster- we’ve seemed to have misplaced Snape. Have you seen him anywhere? Maybe in the Chamber of Secrets?’ We’re getting kicked out this time for sure!”

Harry was about to go and get the Marauder’s Map when a giggle from the corner of the room made them both snap their heads around. They dashed over to find the subject of their query perfectly safe and unharmed. Snape looked back up at them with glowing eyes. “Thank Merlin,” Harry groaned, swearing never to let Snape out of his sight again.

Ron looked down. “What’s that in his hands?”

Harry had missed that before, concerned with their professors well being, but there was indeed something in his chubby little hands. “Looks like parchment,” he replied. He looked to the floor and noticed that more of it was scattered all over. “Wonder how he got a hold of it.”

Ron picked up one of the pieces. After a second of study, his eyes widened. “Hey Harry, it’s my handwriting!”

Harry plucked the piece from Ron’s hand. It was the unmistakable squiggle of Ron’s quill. “Uh-oh.”

Gazing around the room, Ron found his school bag open on a nearby table and his books strewn across the floor. He took back the parchment from Harry, and picked up several of the other torn scraps. He examined them carefully for a few minutes before his cheeks flamed a bright red which trailed up to his ears. “It’s my Divination chart! Blimey! It took me days to make all that stuff up! And we have Divination tomorrow morning after Transfiguration!” Ron then rounded on Snape and glared. Snape only laughed and threw a few more pieces into the air. “He’s still trying to make my school work a living nightmare.”

“It’ll be alright,” Harry muttered, starting to pick up all the scraps off the floor. “A bit of spell-o-tape will fix it right up. You’ll see.”

Ron began to help collect the torn assignment, roughly wrenching a few pieces out of Snape’s fingers. “There’s baby drool all over it!”

A half-hour later they had all the pieces and began the process of re-connecting Ron’s Divination Chart, trying with little success to dry the slobber from the parchment. Ron kept periodically shaking his head and wondering aloud why Snape was determined to make his life as difficult as possible.

An hour later, with Snape safely asleep in his crib, the pair hauled their aching backs to their beds. Neville, Dean, and Seamus were already fast asleep, and Harry sighed as his head hit the pillow, all intention to follow their excellent example. Yet, before giving into his body’s demand for sleep, he turned to give Snape another quick look.

The crib was situated in the middle of the room and softly illuminated by light creeping through the window. Snape’s face was completely relaxed, and it was clear he was snoozing away comfortably. Harry turned back to his own pillow and followed in Snape’s footsteps. Slumber came quickly and Harry welcomed it with open arms.

“WWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! WAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIII! AAAAHHH AHHA WWWWWAAA AAAAAAAAHHH AAAAAAAAAHHHHH AAAAAAAHHHH! AAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!”

Harry shot up into a sitting position on his bed so fast he was temporarily dizzy. He glanced around the room in terror, wondering what in the world was screaming like it’s leg had just gotten cut off. Slowly Harry began to remember the events of the day, and shook his head. Apparently his wish that this had all been a bad dream wasn’t going to be granted any time soon.

Harry glanced quickly to the magical clock on the wall. The hands pointed to ‘Go to sleep young man, it’s the middle of the night.’ Harry groaned and wished with all his might that he could.

“FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN SHUT HIM UP!” Ron cried out from beneath the pillow he had shoved over his ears. Snape’s cries hadn’t lessened in volume and Harry wondered if his entire body was comprised of a set of lungs.

“Shouldn’t talk about Professor Snape that way!” Neville called out. Harry rolled his eyes.

“Oh crikes Neville! He’s only a baby! Get over it!” Ron answered back loudly enough to be heard.

“I can’t help it,” Neville answered- his voice equally loud. “He’s yelling at me even in my dreams!”

Seamus by this time was also sitting up in his own bed. He flicked the light on and shook his head towards Neville. “Would it help if I transfigured a hat with a Vulture on top for him to wear?!” He pointed towards Snape who was still crying.

“No thanks!” Neville answered. “You’ll just blow us all up!”

Seamus frowned at him and was about to reply when the door to their room opened... revealing the entire population of Gryffindor Tower. They all wore angry (and sleepy) expressions on their faces, all of which were directed towards the four. Hermione was in the lead and glared at each of them in turn. “You’d better take care of him!” she shouted. “Or none of us will get any sleep! And if that happens I’ll turn you all into toads!” With that she slammed the door shut, leaving the five boys glancing back and forth.

“You don’t think she could actually do it- do you?” Neville asked, his voice quivering.

“Let’s not find out,” Harry replied, standing and wandering to the screaming infant’s crib. Snape didn’t quiet down when Harry lifted him up and placed his body against his chest as he had when Hermione held him. He only kept screaming into his ear. For a moment Harry feared he’d go deaf.

“Shove a bottle into his mouth!” Ron suggested. “He can’t scream over that!”

Harry nodded and made his way over to the nappy bag. After a few moments of rummaging through the contents, he extracted one of the bottles, one decorated with a phoenix. That has to be a good sign, he thought to himself. If that wasn’t enough of a hint, the formula which appeared a moment later on the stand was.

Harry laid the wailing Snape onto the bed and inspected the label.

Specially mixed with nutrients the infant wizard needs.

Harry read the label to Ron. “Should we trust a formula by Bott?” he asked, uncertainty seeping into his words. Ron groaned and pulled the pillow tighter against his head.

“I hope it’s vomit flavored!” Ron called back.

After mixing it into the bottle and presenting it to Snape, Harry discovered that it was not vomit flavored. At least, not with the way Snape hungrily sucked at it.

Harry continued to look down at Snape as he fed. Shaking his own head in wonder at the way Snape seemed to glare back. Maybe it was his imagination, but he was beginning to believe Ron’s theory that Snape was still out to get the both of them. He certainly didn’t remember seeing other babies glare or snarl. Then again, he really hadn’t been around that many before.

After Snape was contented and would accept no more Harry placed the bottle onto the dresser for the house elves to collect. He stood up, and was about to place him back in his crib when Neville spoke.

“You’ve got to burp him Harry.”

Harry groaned in reply. He sifted again through the bag for the small shoulder-sized towel. He sat down again on his bed and threw the towel over his shoulder. He lifted Snape up till his head was against it- and then proceeded to slap his Professor’s back like he had seen in the movies.

After a while Harry began to doze off while Snape continued to gurgle and burp. His sticky eyelids tried to shut themselves on their own accord as Snape’s noises became less frequent. Finally- when he noticed through the foggy cloud which had covered his mind that Snape had ceased to make any more noises- he removed the small bundle. He walked gratefully back to the crib and deposited the Potion’s Master onto the cushion.

Harry threw the towel in the pile of dirty clothes and jumped back into bed. Snuggling under the covers, he again welcomed the cloud as he drifted away from the insanity his life had became.

Just as he was almost entirely enfolded in the arms of Morpheus, those god awful cries began again.

Harry groaned and mimicked Ron’s earlier movement with his own pillow. Trying unsuccessfully to stuff the case into his ears. Ron himself sat up unsteadily in his own bed and gazed with hatred at the crib. “He can’t still be hungry!”

A brilliant solution in the form of Dumbledore’s voice floated through Harry’s ears. Severus always reads a book before going to sleep. “Try reading to him.” Harry replied through the pillow.

“Me?” Ron’s incredulous voice answered back. Harry snapped the pillow away from his face and glared at Ron.

“I’ve changed him. I’ve fed him. I’ve even burped him. YOU read to him!”

It must have been the look on Harry’s face which made Ron grumble and stand up. Snatching one of the books out of the bag, Ron made his way towards the crib without examining the sudden selection too intently. Harry sighed in relief and laid back down.

Ron meanwhile had drawn a chair to the side of the crib. At the sight of Ron, Snape became silent. Ron gave him a funny look which said ‘Now you shut up?’

Muttering dark curses, Ron pulled up the book-- and then gaped at the cover. Colored in a sickening scene of a bright blue sky with a sun which smiled and waved at him. In the center of a large row of flowers swaying in an invisible breeze was a white puppy with a black patch over his ear. It leapt around like it had gotten into an entire bowl of sugar. “Peppy the Happy Puppy?!” Ron felt sick at the title. “Merlin we’re all doomed! He’ll hex us to next Monday. Maybe I should read him something from the Potion book instead.”

“Just read it!” the other three shouted back, clearly annoyed enough as it was. Ron rolled his eyes and winced as he turned to the first page.

“Just remember,” he muttered to Snape, “Dumbledore gave it to us.”

Snape blew a spit bubble.

“Alright then.” Ron cleared his throat. “Peppy the Happy Puppy.”

“Peppy was the happiest puppy in the world. Peppy loved to play.” Ron groaned. “He really loved to play in the garden behind the Stevens’ house.”

Ron held the book out in Snape’s pudgy round face. Another picture of Peppy happily bounding around the ankles of Mr. And Mrs. Stevens while they waved to Snape. “Here’s a picture of the bloody dog,” Ron muttered.

Snape laughed in response.

Ron nodded. “I think he’s pretty stupid too.”

“Ron…” Harry muttered from his bed.

“Right- right,” Ron replied hesitantly before withdrawing the book and turning it’s page.

“One day Mr. Paddlewagon-” Ron winced, “came by the house. Mr. Paddlewagon was a very nice man.”

Ron snorted as he regarded the book. “Well they wouldn’t make him a serial killer now would they?”

“Ron…” All four hissed at him.

Face contorted with disgust, he sighed before continuing. “Peppy liked Mr.Paddlewagon very much.” Ron snorted again. “Bet he liked to sniff his bum.”

Harry’s extra pillow collided with Ron’s face. “Just read the stupid story Ron so that he goes to sleep or I’ll go and get Hermione.”

“Alright!” Ron growled back, tossing the pillow back at Harry. “So anyway-

Mr. Paddlewagon played Frisbee with Peppy. Peppy was very happy, just as Peppy should be. Then a very bad thing happened.” Ron’s eyes widened in hope, a hope that was mercilessly dashed when he read the next few sentences. “Mr. Paddlewagon threw the Frisbee too far. Peppy, being a good puppy and a happy puppy, ran after it. Even when it flew into the garden Peppy loved.”

Ron tore the book away from his face and thrust it to Snape. “Here’s a picture of the stupid dog jumping into the bloody garden.” Ron didn’t bother to watch for Snape’s reaction but pulled the book back- determined to get this entire ordeal over with as soon as possible.

“Peppy landed on the flowers. They flattened under Peppy. When Peppy saw his flowers he became very sad. Stupid Mutt. When the Stevens heard Peppy cry they ran out of their house.”

Ron shoved the book again to Snape. “Dog’s can’t cry, but here’s a picture of him wailing like you, Professor.”

Snape again made no noises in response. Ron paused and turned to look down in the crib. Snape’s eyes were closed, and his breathing had slowed. Ron frowned, certain it had to be a trick Snape was playing on him. Suddenly his eyes glinted with an evil light as he closed the book shut. On a whim he added, “When the Stevens saw Peppy crying they became very afraid. The Stevens thought their dog had rabies. So they shot him. The End.”

Snape made no movement to indicate he had heard of the dog’s grusome demise, but continued to breath softly. Ron nodded, satisfied that he truly was asleep, and moved back to his bed. He crawled under the covers and was about to shut his eyes when a thought occurred to him.

“Hey Harry,” he whispered to the boy across the room.

Harry, who was half asleep, muttered a groggy reply. “What?”

“If I ever lose my mind and decide I want kids- would you do me a favor?”

Harry, eyes shut and floating off, replied softly. “What?”

Ron leaned back into his bed to gaze up at the canopy. “Shoot me.”

“Ok,” Harry mumbled the moment before sleep finally claimed him.

Ron sighed and closed his own eyes. He was just about to join Harry when Neville’s trembling voice broke the silence. “Ron?”

Ron’s eyes opened slowly as he groaned, “What Neville?”

“Peppy- he-he didn’t really die did he?”

The last sound in the room was the fluttering of the book as it flew through the air and collided with Neville’s head.