Chapter 17: Goodbye I love you

Hospital Wing

As the sun filtered into the hospital wing at Hogwarts. Harry Potter was slowly being stirred awake by the sun filtering in over his bed. Blinking awake, Harry squinted trying to get his bearings. As he leaned over to reach for his glasses on the bedside table, he could see perfectly clearly; he no longer needed glasses Harry thought strangely. Sitting up instantly, Harry inspected his fingers, he could see every single wrinkle and freckle. His eyes moved around the room, drinking in every detail. There were a few students sleeping in the beds further down from his bed. He turned to his right and froze. He blinked a few times, then rubbed his eyes trying to see if he was dreaming or not. He wriggled over to the right side of the bed in order to lean over and properly inspect the man.

‘What the hell is Snape doing sleeping in a chair next to my bed!’ Harry thought. 

The professor was sleeping with a slightly pained expression, although it looked much more peaceful from his normal scowl. The creasing in his eyes and forehead gave him the look of being extremely stressed, even in his sleep; Harry analysed. Without realising it, Harry was leaning closer and closer to the professor. The professor stirred scaring Harry, which led to him wobbling on the edge of the bed. Not able to hold on, Harry reached for the closest thing to break his fall. However, the closest thing was the potions master. As he latched onto the man’s robes, the professor was jolted awake. He looked down to see Harry half on the floor and half in his lap.

“Harry!” Severus yelled in surprise and concern.

Harry let go of his professor as if he had been burned; scrambling to his feet. He hopped onto the bed and crawled to the furthest end trying to get away from the professor. Harry was sure that the professor would bite his head off or make a scathing remark.

“What were you doing? Listen to me…. Forget that!? You need to get checked over by Madame Pomfrey!” The professor jumped up, and glided swiftly in pursuit of finding the nurse.

‘What the fuck’ Harry thought, his mouth agape. Had he died and found himself in another Universe?! Since when did the professor care at all about his wellbeing…. Well, there had been a few times, but no, this was different. Leaning back onto the bed frame, Harry looked wearily into the direction where Snape left; waiting for his return.

Severus Snape’s POV

‘Where on earth is that infernal witch’ Snape thought as he went to find the healer. Harry’s behaviour had been most unusual; the staring that is. But the way Harry flinched away reminded him of the old Harry; this caused Severus to shudder.

“Severus, is everything alright?” Madame Pomfrey asked as she rounded the corner, a piece of parchment clutched in her hand. 

“It’s Harry. He woke up and fell off the bed. He seems frightened and mildly delirious” Snape said, looking at the healer with concern.

“Severus, I think we had best go to my office; we need to speak” ushering him in.

Healers office

“Last night, I did a full diagnosis on Harry. He was mildly concussed, however after all the potions I gave him, his concussion should be gone. He does however have severe tissue damage in his frontal lobe. There is no easy way for me to tell you this, but where the damage is, it affects his memories and his ability to recollect. I think that it would be wise for you to prepare yourself, for when you go back out there Severus. I have studied this sort of brain damage before; it is unlikely he will be able to remember certain memories. You need to be prepared for the fact that he might not remember you... as his father”. At the look Professor Snape was giving, Madame Pomfrey walked over to the man, and put her hand on his shoulder to console him. 

Severus Snape was a very guarded man, and never revealed his feelings. However, in this moment, he did not care. Shrugging his shoulder to rid himself of the healer’s hand, he walked towards the window. Looking out to the sky, he tried to calm his breathing; lest he have a panic attack. In a broken and cracking voice, Severus addressed Poppy.

“Can you please go out and check on Harry.” She waited a moment longer, then sighed; leaving the room to go check on her patient.

Once he knew he was alone again, he sat back down in his chair and let his head fall into his hands. He tried to compose himself, but it was all for nothing. His wall of reserve crumbled, only having enough time to quickly cast a muffliato on the room. Crumbling, he began to sob. Full hearted pained sobs escaped the professor. A lesson that Severus learned time and time again, was that life was not fair. How he and his son had come so far, from hating the boy to loving him. And once again, any form of happiness was yanked out from right under his nose. Not wanting to see the look of anger and the fear on his son’s face, he decided to go to the headmaster. In times of true doubt, the headmaster (and on occasion the deputy head mistress) always offered good advice.

Grabbing the floo powder he left with a swirl, leaving Poppy Pomfrey with Harry Potter.

Headmasters Office

As Severus floo’d through, the headmaster was sipping a cup of tea whilst reading the daily prophet. However, upon noticing the disgruntled professor he immediately stopped drinking his tea.

“Severus, whatever is the matter?!” Dumbledore enquired.

Severus paced on the carpet whilst recounting everything that happened, and what the healer had said. The headmaster sat quietly observing the young man in front of him. Ordering them both some tea, the headmaster offered Severus a cup.

“Do you honestly think that tea is what I require in this very moment?!” Severus yelled frantically. 

He walked briskly over to a cabinet and grabbed a half empty bottle of brandy. He did not wait for the headmaster to hand him a glass, he merely drank straight from the bottle. 

Thirty minutes had passed, and the professor had not uttered a word. He sat on the headmaster’s steps silently, looking at nothing in particular; the bottle of brandy down to its last drop. Looking up at the headmaster for the first time in a while, Severus stated in a defeated tone.

“He’s a good boy, he doesn’t deserve this. I can honestly say that we have had a much better relationship these past few weeks. Do you know what he told be yesterday? He said that if he had to choose between his friends or me; he would choose me. How have I been so lucky to end up with such a good child?” Severus said wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his robes.

The headmaster looked at the professor and smiled. “You have come to care for Harry, haven’t you Severus?” At hearing this, Severus stood up abruptly.

“Care? CARE? Of course, I care for the boy. I LOVE HIM” Severus yelled the last part and stumbled over the steps in a drunken sway.

Albus Dumbledore looked at Severus who was rocking from side to side in his chair. The headmaster did not know what to do in this situation. So, he called Madame Pomfrey who gave the headmaster a hangover tonic. 

Before the headmaster could add a few drops to the tea he was about to pour Severus. The door burst open, revealing two young Gryffindor students. Ron and Hermione skidded to a holt, having seen that the room contained two professors.

Hermione began to apologise to the headmaster for interrupting when Ron pulled on Hermione’s sleeve in fright. Ron had locked eyes with Severus, who had now vacated his chair and was walking over to the Gryffindors menacingly. 

“You two! It’s your fault!” Severus began to say in an eerie voice.

“HOW COULD YOU! YOU IDIOTS PUSHED HIM AND NOW HE DOESN’T REMEMBER ANYTHING!!” Severus was now openly yelling at the two, who were now cowering and backed into the corner.

The headmaster quickly stepped between the students and Severus.

“That’s enough Severus, it was an accident…”

“Accident, so be it. But the boy has brain damage! NO number of apologies will get the boy’s memories back.” Severus spat out.

“We’re sorry, so sorry professor” Hermione blubbered, trying but failing to hold back her tears.

“Just go” Severus said in a choked voice.

“Excuse me Severus, but I do believe this is my office. Why were you two….” The headmaster was cut off by Severus’ quick jabbing tone.

“Fine, I am going anyway. I will be in my lab trying to fix these two’s mistakes.” Severus pointed at both of the students; then quickly fled the office.

With a sigh the Headmaster turned to the two students and closed his office door.

Next Day

Potion Master’s private lab (Dungeons)

“Stupid… bunch of…. Mhmmmmff…” Severus muttered to himself as he threw various ingredients into the potion he was currently brewing.

Severus had 5 large tomes stacked next to him on the work bench. The professor had been up all night reading about memories, and how to fix brain damage. So far, the professor had found 3 potions that could potentially help Harry. Severus had simultaneously brewed all three potions, and a fourth was still brewing. The potions master was quite clever at his job and would often create his own concoctions. 

The fourth potion was the one that Severus was paying the most attention to; due to its volatile ingredients. The fourth potion Severus had come up with out of desperation. A day had gone by, and the first three potions had not helped Harry in the slightest. This left the potions master more depressed than ever. Harry of course could not understand why the potions master looked at him the way he did; it incensed the boy. The professor would become angry, sad and dangerously silent all in the span of 5 minutes.

Severus had currently been brewing for 10 hours nonstop. After his other three potions had failed to work, this final potion would most certainly help the boy. It was a mix of Severus’ own creation and an old potion found in a second-hand book Snape had found years ago in Germany. It was a dark book, which many of the potions could be used for evil. However, in this case, Severus did not consider it’s use to be for evil. This potion was very obscure, which left him feeling uneasy. However, there was no time for these feelings. All Severus knew, was that he wanted his son to remember everything even if this meant that he remembered nothing.

This potion would quite certainly restore Harry’s memories, and remove all brain injury. The negative to this potion is that, said brain injury would then transfer to another; in this case Severus. That was the cruel part, the old potion was supposed to transfer the injury and cause the other person immense pain. Severus had, of course, tweaked it. The potion would transfer the injury but with little to no pain; due to a sedative Severus had allowed for. What would transfer, would be the potion master’s inability to remember that his son; is in-fact his son. It was cruel, but Severus had seen how happy the boy had been, and he had faith that Harry would be able to break through his cold exterior once again.

After many hours of brewing, Severus was spent. He was sitting in his kitchen wiping his face with a kitchen tea towel. He reached over and picked up his quill and parchment. And he began to write.

‘Dear Harry,

I can only imagine how furious you are with me, but there really is no point in sulking about. In the past few months, I have not only come to know the real Harry but come to truly love you as a son; which I never thought possible. When I regained my memories back from your mother, my initial feelings were sorrow, pain, anger and betrayal. All of which I suppose you will be feeling at this moment as you read this letter. Maybe one day, once you have your own children, you will understand that you will do anything in order for them to be happy. The past day I saw you in the hospital wing, you were staring at the ceiling; sighing every 10 minutes.

I saw you truly sad. Of course, you were sad when your friends didn’t approve of us; but this looked like much more. It looked as if you had lost someone very dear. Your mind couldn’t remember, but your heart could. I write this letter as a sort of instruction manual. The potion I have ingested (which was once quite dangerous) I tweaked to make it safe; however, it still has more than a few downsides.

Firstly, I will not be able to remember that you are my son. I will have no recollection of the time we spent together over the last few months. And I dare say, I will also, once again, not be able to recollect your mother’s and I relationship. The leaf, that your mother had saved all my memories on was gone the second I ingested it. All those memories of Lily and I are currently in my mind. Once I take the potion, they will be permanently removed.

I loved your mother very much and miss her more than you could understand. But, as a father, I love you even more. Which is why I have gone to these lengths. I have wronged you in so many ways throughout your Hogwarts tenor. Yet you, like your mother have a profound ability to forgive. 

My instructions you must be wondering. Are to sit down with me privately in my office, when you will give me this letter to read. But before you offer me this letter, I want you to tell future me the following. 

I will write dot points for everything to run smoothly.

1.    Your memory loss happened because of a mixture of your own creation and the OERNELIM potion.

2.    You wanted to reverse my memory loss, which I previously had.

3.    You did so because of my mother

I should think the final phrase will be enough to peak my interest. Keeping in mind I will at this point still be thinking that James Potter is your father. I do believe that it will come as quite a shock to me, that you are in-fact my son. 

Be warned that I will most likely think that what you are saying is a joke. Which is when you will offer this letter for me to read. I have put on it certain enchantments, to make it indestructible.

It might take me a day, two days or even a month. Please be persistent and pester me as much as possible. Even if I turn you away, you will know deep down that I love you. And please try again.

The me you knew will most certainly be gone. But I believe that future me will love you just as much. It will be a shocking realisation, but definitely a good one. 

It has been a privilege getting to know you, and I could not be any prouder of you. 

With this final word, I bid you adieu.

I love you,

 Harry be strong.”

The letters were given to Madam Pomfrey, and the potion was put into Harry’s stomach by magic as he slept. Severus brushed his fingers through Harry’s soft hair. He sat beside the boy’s bed for the next hour. Staring and holding his son’s hand. Once the clock chimed 11:00pm, Severus sniffed, and stood up. He leaned over Harry’s bed and kissed the boy’s forehead right where his scar is. He did not care that Madam Pomfrey had walked in and could see him crying. With a final look at his son, the potions master sighed and walked back to the dungeons.

Once he was in his quarters he showered and cleaned up his apartment. He looked in the corner where Harry’s bedroom door was. Gone were the boy’s clothes, but the room and bed were still there. This was done in the hopes that when Harry told him the truth, there would be an actual physical reminder. There was after all a Gryffindor Banner hanging up in the room.

After brushing his teeth, Severus was walking back to his bedroom when he spotted a medium wooden box on the lounge room table. In both shock and relief Severus quickly rushed said box back upstairs to the Hospital wing for the Madame to keep in her possession; along with Harry’s letter.

Inside the box, contained many photo’s that he and Harry had taken this past few months. There were, however, a few other photos that Severus had created and to his great exhaustion. Like a pensive, Severus had thought off his happiest moments with Lily, and was able to make them into photographs. This took a toll on his magic; however, he didn’t care. He knew that he would never believe anything Harry said without truth. And at seeing these photos, he was sure that he would cave in. There were photos of their wedding, Harry as a baby; and other random memories Severus thought were happy.

Back in his quarters, he trudged to bed, and put his wand on the nightstand. With a sigh, Severus Snape took a deep breath, and uncorked the fourth potion. He sculled it down in one gulp and placed the vile onto the table. Lying back on his bed, Severus breathed in and out evenly; trying to control his breathing. In, out, in out; Severus spoke in his mind. He did this for 2 minutes, until he broke down crying. Knowing what would be coming for him, he cried out in sorrow. After 30 minutes, his cries subsided, and he fell asleep. With his body resting, and his mind cut off from outside intrusions. The potion was now beginning to play its part. One by one Severus’ memories were being removed, and Harry’s were being restored. 

Harry’s sleeping face turned more at peace with each minute, whilst Severus’ seemed to be showing nothing but extreme pain. After the potion had done its work, Severus Snape’s face went blank. All his memories now removed, and Harry’s restored.