“I overheard a fight”, Lizzy told Lily after she had fed her yet another nutrition potion. “Mr. Snape said he wanted to murder the healer who harmed you, but Headmaster Dumbledore told him you wouldn’t want him to end up in prison. Mr. Snape said that for all he knows, you do want him to rot in prison. Do you really? He doesn’t seem so bad, but of course, Lizzy is just a house elf and wouldn’t know. Or, no, I wouldn’t know because I don’t know what he said to you. Was it very bad? Headmaster Dumbledore said it was just name-calling.”
Dumbledore. Of course. Hogwarts. Lizzy, a free elf. It all fit together.
So Severus still thought it was all about calling her a mudblood? Of course that had been the last straw, but how could he not have understood that she objected to his becoming a Death Eater?
“He also said something about selling you out to the Dark Lord, but he must be exaggerating, Headmaster Dumbledore would not be so friendly with him if he had really done that, would he?”
Selling her out? Perhaps that was how Severus talked about working for someone who wanted to enslave all muggleborns?
“They talked of research. Lizzy thinks – I think, it might be research on how to wake you up? Mr. Snape didn’t sound very hopeful, but I think you might want to know.”
Research? If Sev put his mind to something ... he might actually find a cure!
On the other hand, the healers at St. Mungo’s had sounded like there was no hope at all. Perhaps Sev was just researching because he just had to try. Lily knew she’d do the same if it was only James who had been tortured.
**
What would Lily want? Would she even want to be here?
Probably not. But he was fairly certain that she would rather be here than be raped in St. Mungo’s. She couldn’t hate him that much, could she?
After all, she didn’t have to see him often. Or at all, really, considering that her eyes were closed.
She would probably want Potter with her ... damn. There was no way to get Potter out of the hospital, too, without raising suspicion.
Her baby. She would want her baby.
The world seemed to have forgotten about Lily’s baby entirely. If the boy had gone to Petunia, it shouldn’t be hard to borrow him for a while. Severus would feel bad about altering any other muggle’s memory, but with Petunia ... hell, he could tell her some bullshit about needing the baby for a spell to find Lily. That wouldn’t even be that much of a lie – he was pretty sure he could construct a spell that would work in such a way.
He cleared his throat. “Lizzy?”
It was not necessary to speak loudly, the house elf apparated next to him at once. “What can I do for you?”
Ah, she was figuring out how to speak properly. Lily must be overjoyed ... if Lily was conscious, that was. “Lily’s husband is still in St. Mungo’s. I suppose she would want me to let him know she is safe. I wondered ... since you can apparate in Hogwarts ...”
“I can apparate pretty much anywhere, sir. What is her husband’s name? And won’t he tell on you?”
“He is in the same state as she, and it is unlikely he would even understand a message, but ...” Severus thought it unlikely that even a conscious James Potter would be able to see past his own suffering for long enough to worry about Lily, but on the off chance that Lily was aware of what happened around her ... Lily would certainly assume her husband was worried. At least that was Severus’ theory as to why she had married him – clearly, she projected her own kindness onto him and thought he cared about her as much as she cared about him.
“Lizzy un- I understand. His name, sir?”
“Don’t introduce yourself, don’t tell him she’s with me, just that she’s safe and you are caring for her. His name is James Potter, you will find him on the Janus Thickey ward if that wasn’t changed after Lily’s disappearance. You will recognize him by his atrociously untidy black hair. Ah, yes. I don’t know what safety precautions they took. I assume they didn’t ward against house elves, but I cannot be sure.”
“Can you order Lizzy to do it, sir?”
“What?”
The house elf blushed. “I am a free elf, but it is still easier to do things I was ordered to do.”
Ah, yes. Made sense. As Lily had assumed – psychological conditioning. “Very well. I order you to apparate to St. Mungo’s, escape their guards, traps and other precautions, et cetera, and return safely and undetected. Oh, and don’t tell Lily I ordered you to do anything, just let her think you did it of your own accord, right?”
“Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.” The house elf disapparated with a resounding cracking noise.
That was that. He needed an alibi for his visit to Petunia, and he couldn’t well talk to Dumbledore right now, or the man might notice that Severus wasn’t nearly as upset as he should have been, considering that Lily was missing, presumed dead.
**
Lily grew worried quickly after Lizzy had left. What task might Sev have for her that took her so long? It could be something harmless – the house elf had said something about her needing proper food, so perhaps that ... but still, it was uncomfortable to be so entirely alone.
After what felt like hours but could just as well have been mere minutes, she heard the characteristical cracking noise of house elf apparition. “I went to see James Potter”, the house elf announced. “And I told him he needn’t worry about you, madam. Mr Snape thought you would like that.”
Sev had never been this thoughtful when they were younger. Or had he been? No, not when it came to people he couldn’t stand. He had never understood how much it had pained her that Petunia hadn’t talked to her, back then.
“He didn’t order me to do it”, Lizzy added. “I did it of my own accord.”
That didn’t sound entirely truthful. Had he forced the house elf to go and see James?
“Of course I only decided, of my own accord, to do it, after he told me that you had a husband and where to find him”, Lizzy continued, quite smugly.
Ah. Of course. So typical. Too proud to admit he had wasted a thought on James’ wellbeing, he must have tried to order a free elf to lie about this.
**
Severus didn’t have to wait long for Dumbledore’s next visit, which came a couple of days later. “Lily is alive”, the Headmaster said before sitting down in the rarely used second armchair in Severus’ living room. “When I attempted to send her a message with my patronus, it flew off as they usually do, but then turned back in a circle. Only a powerful dark wizard could devise a spell that wards against a patronus. Can you think of any ... acquaintance who might be able to ...?”
It was a good thing that Severus knew patronuses could be used this way and therefore had thought to ward against them – he hadn’t found it particularly difficult, just a slight change of the spell that warded against owls being used that way. Either Dumbledore suspected something, or thought any magic that interfered with patronuses must be dark.
“Quite a few, but they ought to be in Azkaban. The Dark Lord himself would have found it easy ... Lily could have been brought to a location the Dark Lord used to frequent.” Not a lie, even. The Dark Lord had attended Hogwarts, after all.
“Of course! His magic would be lingering.” Dumbledore sounded as if this confirmed one of his own theories. He had said some things over the past couple of months that made Severus suspect that the Dark Lord was not as dead as most people wished he was. “How is your research?”
“Making very little progress.” Mostly because of the sheer enormity of the task, but also because he was busy arranging things for Lily. Lizzy was incredibly helpful, but she still needed a list of favourite foods Lily would still like in mashed form – she had loved spaghetti, but definitely wouldn’t like a gooey mass of pasta-like substance – and lists of Lily’s favourite smells, books, fabrics, et cetera. It was a good thing he had committed all those little things to memory. “I thought of trying some new ingredient, something that’s never been used before. Phoenix tears have all kinds of interesting uses ... I thought, perhaps, her son’s tears would wake Lily ... or, of course, her husband. It isn’t likely he noticed anything when she was abducted, but I am grasping at straws here.” If he could wake Lily, it didn’t matter if he went to Azkaban for the abduction.
Dumbledore nodded. “I would try legilimency, but I have already confirmed what the healers say, the memory of pain is at the forefront of their minds, I had to retreat before I could find out anything. If you can wake James ... tears ... quite unorthodox, but I could see it work.”
“Her son is staying with her sister, isn’t he? May I visit? It should not take long.”
“Ah, but of course, Severus. I have been meaning to send someone to check in on her and little Harry anyway. She might be a bit overwhelmed with both him and her own little boy to take care of.”
Severus had to occlude heavily and hide his grin. This was going exactly the way he had hoped. “Possibly. I might have to take him here for a few hours, as I can’t exactly make him cry to collect his tears, and I would loathe to stay at Petunia’s for so long. You know I can’t stand her.”
“I am sure she has changed since you last saw her, Severus. You are all adults now, after all.” But Dumbledore didn’t say anything against taking Harry to Hogwarts, which meant one less thing he had to hide.
“Very well. I shall go visit her Monday morning, as I have no desire to meet her husband.”
**
Lizzy did everything to make Lily feel at home, even read her books. One meal a day was mashed potatos with some mashed vegetable or the other, and chocolate pudding for dessert.
Sev must have told the house elf that was her favourite.
And that was exactly what the problem was. Sev never fed her dinner. Or sat with her. Oh, he visited every evening, stayed a couple of minutes, sometimes asked Lizzy some questions, then vanished again. He never talked to her, never read to her, never did anything other than ascertain that Lizzy did a good job caring for her.
The kindest thing he’d done was use a spell that would have diagnosed physical harm done to her – apparently he didn’t even fully trust the house elf.
Of course he wanted to focus on his research, she understood that. And it wasn’t like she wasn’t very well cared for. In fact, she felt a bit bad for not being content with the house elf’s company. Lizzy was so nice and helpful.
Lily understood why Sev couldn’t risk telling any of her friends where she was, and when he had taken her away, he probably had acted impulsively and hadn’t wasted a thought on James, which she could understand, too.
But why didn’t he even talk to her? Remus hadn’t always talked much, just said hello and goodbye and so on, but ...
Severus had said goodnight to her, the first night, she recalled. Yes. He had talked to her. Right up until ... Lizzy had told her of a fight with Dumbledore. Severus claiming she wanted him to rot in prison.
Did he resent her for that? Was that why he didn’t want to talk to her?
**
Severus sat in his armchair, reading yet another ancient tome. Using tears of Lily’s son as potion ingredient was a very farfetched idea, and he had originally only intended to throw Dumbledore off track with it, but if Dumbledore thought there was a chance it might work, it was worth a try.
In ancient times, using human body liquids as ingredient had been a lot more common ... of course, blood was a favourite.
There was a resurrection ritual that used blood, bones and flesh, but only worked if there was some remnant of soul tethered to the earth, which couldn’t be a ghost – Severus wasn’t quite sure what that meant, it seemed to hint at yet darker magic having to be used before the ritual could be used to return to a semblance of life.
He took a sip of tea. The cup had already cooled down.
“Mr. Snape, sir.”
“Yes?” It seemed Lizzy wanted to request yet another thing Lily absolutely needed – and he would, of course, be happy to provide.
“If you aren’t working, you should sit with Lily.”
Oh. Of course he would be happy to do so, but ... “She made it quite clear, the last time we spoke, she didn’t want to talk to me ever again. I would rather not bother her.” He swallowed, emptying his mind as Dumbledore had taught him in the Occlumency lessons. Too late, though, he felt tears forming in his eyes already.
Lizzy gently closed the bedroom door. “Why? What did you do?”
“I called her a - ” He could not bring himself to repeat it. “A very bad slur for muggleborns.”
“Why?”
“I have no idea. Perhaps because I felt humiliated by needing her help?” He liked to tell himself he had done it so that his friends in Slytherin wouldn’t think he cared about her, but he couldn’t honestly claim to have had many tactical thoughts when doing it. “And before you ask, yes, I did apologize. She still didn’t want anything to do with me.”
Lizzy frowned. “I am just a house elf, but I don’t think another apology would hurt. People like to hear apologies.”
“Lily doesn’t.” He had hoped, when he had camped in front of the Fat Lady’s portrait, that if he just humiliated himself enough, Lily’s wounded feelings would be soothed. But she had been unforgiving. With good reason, as it turned out. Even in his deepest regret about insulting her, he hadn’t realized that by joining the Dark Lord, he would inevitably harm her. He had been a fool. “I probably should just have left her in the hospital, just remove the threat, but I wasn’t thinking clearly.” There had been this visceral need to keep Lily safe, to keep her close.
“Oh no, this hospital is horrible! Her husband just lies there all day, no one ever talks to him when he doesn’t get visitors. You did right by taking her here.” With that, Lizzy returned to the bedroom.
**
“Mr. Snape is still up. Reading a book.” Lizzy complained. Why complain about that? “I know he wants to work on a cure, but he really should keep you company if he isn’t in his laboratory. I will go talk to him.”
Lily heard the door open.
“Mr. Snape, sir”, Lizzy said, sounding only a tad bit shy.
“Yes?”
“If you aren’t working, you should sit with Lily.”
“She made it quite clear, the last time we spoke, she didn’t want to talk to me ever again. I would rather not bother her”, Severus replied in a defiant tone that Lily remembered all too well. She could also hear the tears in his voice.
The door closed, and Lily didn’t hear anything else of the conversation, no matter how much she strained her ears.
At last, Lizzy returned. “He says you don’t want him here. I wish you could tell me if that’s true. If it is, you needn’t worry, I won’t try to change his mind.”
Lily had been very angry at him, yes, and perhaps she would have grown to resent his presence if he had acted like he assumed he was forgiven. But he hadn’t, and she wished Lizzy could get him to change his mind. But whom was she kidding? No one could change Severus’ mind when he had decided on something.
**
“You.” Petunia glared at him.
Severus hadn’t expected anything else. “Yes, I. You know what happened to Lily?”
Petunia sneered. “That she’s in a coma thanks to your kind? It is not like I could forget that, being saddled with her son.”
Ah, so she did not know Lily had vanished. Perhaps it was better that way. “I am working on a potion against what you call coma. It is uncertain whether I will succeed, but right now, my only chance is to collect some tears from her son. To that purpose, I think it would be best if he stayed with me for a day.”
“For a day? You can keep him.” She turned and beckoned him inside.
“There is no need.”
“Yes, there is.” Petunia went to the cupboard under the stairs and opened the door.
Severus was about to inquire what she was looking for when he saw it. Or rather, him.
There was a baby in the cupboard. The small mattress did nothing to hide the fact that Petunia had put Lily’s son in a cupboard.
“What? A cupboard? You put Lily’s child in a cupboard?” He tried very hard to calm his temper, but he had never been a patient man.
“Don’t give me that look! He’s just a baby, he doesn’t need more space. And he could have stayed in the nursery if he weren’t so freaky!”
Perhaps a baby really did not need more space, but he ought to have a cot. Something about the ground being cold, Severus wasn’t an expert, but he was sure there was a reason other people didn’t put their babies on the ground. “He is a baby. How could he be, as you put it, freaky?”
“He turned the walls yellow! We painted Dudley’s room blue, and he turned the wallpaper yellow! There’s no telling what else he could do to my Dudders!’
“Don’t you have a spare room?” It was quite the spacious house.
“We used to, until this freak turned the walls yellow and now Vernon has to repaint everything!”
“For Merlin’s sake woman, it is a colour! It doesn’t matter! It –” He noticed a quiet noise and looked at the baby again. Lily’s son was crying.
Severus was about to collect the tears when he realized that doing so would render his excuse useless. He always had all kinds of containers with him to be able to collect rare substances he happened to come across, but Petunia didn’t know that.
“No matter, now”, he said. “Do you have any old clothes of Lily’s? Something that belonged to her would be useful in my potion as well.” Lily would have something to wear that she had chosen herself.
“Why would I have anything of hers? It’s not like I had the time to nose about in that house of hers. Not that I wanted.”
“But you have the key?”
“Yes”, Petunia ground out. “You can have it if you take the boy and keep him.”
“I have every intention to”, Severus said smoothly. Whether Dumbledore would agree to that was another thing entirely, but if Petunia was willing to give him the key based on mere intentions ...
“I’ll fetch it.”
Severus knelt down. “Why are you crying?”, he asked, as gently as he could.
The baby didn’t answer, just regarded him with wide eyes. Weren’t they supposed to start talking at this age? Oh, well. He took a phial from his pocket and collected some of the tears that were still rolling down little Harry’s face.
Then, he put the phial in his pocket. “You will come with me. I take you to see your mother. You want to see her again, do you?”
No reaction. Well, the child might not actually remember. He’d just have to hope Harry wouldn’t struggle.
“There.” Petunia had returned. “The key. Now take him away.”
Severus snatched the key from her hand and pocketed it. Then he carefully reached for Harry.
The baby didn’t put up any resistance. This wasn’t right. Shouldn’t even a baby who couldn’t speak yet be a bit more averse to being held by a stranger?
Only when he held Harry close to his chest did he notice that the little body was shaking. Was he cold? No wonder with that inadequate bedding.
Severus disapparated on the spot.
It was freezing cold outside, he realized too late. Now, the only thing he could do was cast a weak warming charm – couldn’t risk overheating the child – and wrap his cloak around Harry.
He ran all the way up to the castle and only slowed his steps when he had to descend the stairs. It would not do to fall while carrying a baby.
When he had arrived at his quarters, he took a closer look at Harry. The child had stopped crying, but the snot still clung to his face and there were all kinds of stains on his clothing. And on top of all that, there was a slight smell of urine emanating from the baby. Was he still in diapers, or had he wet himself?
“Lizzy?”
The house elf apparated into the living room. “Yes, sir?” Her eyes immediately fixed on Harry.
“Do you know anything about babies? I thought Lily might want to see her son ...”
“Lizzy doesn’t ... I don’t know much, but I will find someone who does.”
“Dumbledore knows I took Harry here, to collect his tears for the potion. You can be open about it with other house elves, just make sure no one finds out about Lily.” He carefully placed the baby on the couch. “I shall leave him with you for a moment, I have to fetch some things.”
He knew Lily had lived in Godric’s Hollow, and it didn’t take him long to locate the house.
Would she want him to be here? Certainly not, but she would want to wear her own clothes, wouldn’t she?
He unlocked the door and walked in. Everything was covered in a thick layer of dust.
The first room he tried was lovingly decorated as a child’s bedroom, but there was no bed there. Only a padded table – must be some baby related thing – and stacks and stacks of muggle diapers. He would take some of those, he decided
In the next room he tried, there was a bed for an adult and a cot next to it. Of course, Lily wouldn’t have let her baby sleep in a separate room.
The wardrobe was exactly what he had hoped for. Lily was not the kind of person who owned more clothes than necessary, but there were the robes Lily had worn to the ball – a ball she had gone to with James Potter, but she had looked lovely nevertheless.
But she wouldn’t need to dress for a ball anytime soon.
A couple of nice green robes that would do in a pinch, they looked comfortable enough, but still not – ah, here were the nightgowns. Severus rifled through them, pausing at one made of green silk. That would be perfect – oh. It was much too short, and also see-through. Something not worn for comfort but for ... for titillation. Bile rose in his throat as he imagined Potter seeing her in that. No, this would not do. Lily would rip his head off, and rightly so, if he dared dress her in that. Or rather, Lizzy would rip his head off if he asked her to dress Lily in that, but the result would be the same.
He continued his search and found an emerald green nightgown made of some thick, velvety material and, he estimated, floor length, if Lily could ever stand up in it. Which she couldn’t.
When he returned to Hogwarts, nightgown securely hidden under his robes, diapers and baby clothes only slightly covered by his cloak, it was already noon. Lunchtime. Not that he would usually attend.
He made his way to his quarters undisturbed by students or teachers, and was greeted by the sight of a clean and non-smelly baby in the arms of a house elf he wasn’t acquainted with.
“Thank you”, he said, but before he could continue, the house elf had the audacity to shush him.
“Conny just got him to sleep”, she whispered.
Oh, fine. Babies probably needed their sleep.
He occupied himself with transfiguring his armchair into a cot for a baby. He thought of the one in Godric’s Hollow, and aimed for something similar.
When he succeeded, Conny the house elf put Harry into it and instructed Severus to call her anytime the baby needed something.
**
Lily woke to the soft wailing of a baby.
Her thoughts immediately wandered to Harry, but of course that was impossible.
Severus hated Petunia. He would never ...
“Are you still awake madam? Your son is here to visit.”
Her son? Harry? Here?
The wailing stopped abruptly.
“Now, now, little one, don’t squirm so much, or Lizzy won’t be able to hold you. There, be careful with your mummy, she is sleeping very deeply.”
She felt a warm weight next to her, and thought she could smell Harry’s breath.
And now, he was talking, not fully formed words, strangely, she had hoped he would have started to talk ... how old was he now?
But it was definitely Harry.
Chapter 4
To be continued...