r13; Shannon Alder
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Severus would never be one to shed a tear in front of another – blasted waterworks! - but tears be damned. Harry had seen him lose control before, but he best not make a habit of it. Lately, he had been having immense difficulty in keeping his Occlumency shields up, but due to his progressing illness, he did not quite have the mental stability to keep them at full strength like he used to. However, this time he had no control over what he felt, and what he had difficulty expressing.
What in Merlin's name am I doing?!
His conversation with Harry, undoubtedly, shook him to his core and he was hit with so many horrible truths and realisations that further contributed to his misery. His actions all those years ago cost the boy his childhood. His life. All this time he had no idea what kind of true impact that had made on him and seeing the boy in a state such as this, was a self-revelation he never expected to have.
Severus was saddened, but above all else, incredibly angry with himself. He agreed to protect the child and yet he failed before he even got to meet him in his first year. The one task he agreed to do, and he failed.
He was mortified with his own actions and he was angry at Albus. How long did Albus know of Harry's struggles with the Dursleys? How long did he allow that boy to be subjected to cruelty, torment, and abuse? And yet, Severus was too blind to see what was literally in front of him. He should have pieced it all together, especially during his Occlumency lessons. His blindness and struggles with his own trauma cost the boy his own. He should have known. He should have seen.
Why didn't Severus check up on the boy? At all? He did nothing but hide away within Hogwarts like a coward for those first eleven years and didn't even think twice about the boy he was supposed to protect. Blood wards be damned, he had a duty! He had a duty to Lily, and he couldn't even uphold that promise to himself.
I really am a monster.
He sat with Harry that night, wishing above all else he could erase all that pain from him. For Severus himself, it was far too late, but for Harry…He most definitely had a better chance at a happier life than he did. Severus couldn't help but feel disgustingly selfish and wished he had what Harry did. Harry had so many people around him willing to do anything to help ease his suffering, and no one was there for Severus when he needed someone. When he lost his best friend. When he suffered relentlessly at the hands of the Marauders. When he first became a Death Eater. When he was forced to murder his mentor and only friend. When he had no choice but to push away all of his colleagues and allies to ensure Albus' ridiculous plans were acted upon.
Severus couldn't help but think of what could have been if he had those things. If he had someone who gave a damn all those years ago. So, for Severus, it was far too late. The damage was done.
For Harry, well, he still had a chance. A better chance than he did.
Perhaps that was what compelled Severus to sit with the boy as he wept for mercy. As he cried tears of pain that Severus was all too familiar with. Severus had failed the boy and didn't rescue him when he needed help, so he figured this was the very least he could do. His past actions would never ever be erased or forgiven, but he'd be damn to allow this boy to deal with this alone. Severus didn't just feel obligated to because he had made sure the boy had survived up until this point.
But Severus had actually grown to care for him - more than he ever dared to admit. Every time Harry would run off into danger, his familiar cold heart would twist in burning knots. The least he could do was ease the boy's suffering and stress resulting from the horrors he had faced all of his life. Harry could hear the screams of Lily as she died when Dementors attacked, for Merlin's sake. That was Severus' fault.
Severus had left the boy that night and retreated to his own room and ended up collapsing on his bed in sheer exhaustion. Not just physically, but emotionally. Everything recently had taken such a mental toll, that he struggled to keep his own emotions at bay. Severus had his own nightmare that night, reliving his past misdeeds and fatal mistakes, and ending it with Nagini yet again savaging him like a piece of defenseless roadkill. Her hisses echoed in his mind, as he felt every single puncture of fangs by her attack, repeatedly. His body convulsed as it tensed with each psychological blow, pulling him harshly away from his slumber.
He woke up in a cold sweat and eyes burning with tears, as he looked wildly around the room for a snake that was not there. His heart was racing painfully within his chest.
Oh, I am a bloody mess. Death would have been merciful…No wonder Albus relished in it, that dastardly old coot.
And death. That was another issue entirely.
He was most likely going to die, given how quickly his illness was spreading and deteriorating his weak body. He didn't want to die. Not like this. Not at the loss of his pride and dignity. He didn't want it to end this way. Severus was well aware of his predicament but it had shaken him deeply when Harry had expressed how terrified he was. For him.
For him.
The only person who ever cared so much about his looming demise was Harry. Severus was stricken. His closeness with the boy within the last month had evolved exponentially to an unpredictable degree. When he offered to help Harry, he merely only intended as allies. That was it. That was what Severus had offered.
And now…
He couldn't bear the thought of seeing Harry hurt or distraught. Hell, he didn't even feel this way about Draco – His own Godson. He never allowed himself to get close to him, so dismissing even some of his struggles seemed to be easy for him.
But with Harry – He cared. A lot. Like...
Don't be idiotic, Severus. He's not my son. He could have been if I hadn't messed it up with Lily. But I did, and I cannot take that back. I cannot change what happened.
That had to be it though, right? Severus felt more than obliged to help the boy, but he had grown so protective over him now. It was almost…instinctual. Severus had learned more about himself since the War's end than he ever dared to confront during the years he spent as a spy. He didn't even think he could change, and yet, here he was. Being less of an arse and vile cretin towards the Chosen One, and more understanding and…sympathetic?
Sympathetic? …I really have gone soft. How could I have let this happen?
Harry expressed fear that he didn't want Severus to leave. And yet, Severus' heart pained because he feared leaving the boy so damaged. It was true that initially, he wished Nagini's venom did kill him completely and well…quickly. He wishes he had let death take him on the night the Dark Lord confronted him. But now death was playing games and he knew it would come upon him soon. He knew, that despite the ritual to try and save his life, the curse would beat them in time. Like a race, he was always destined to lose.
He was now scared to die…Not like this.
Severus rolled over in bed and was subjected to a painful coughing fit. He wheezed as his burning lungs struggled to inhale and give him enough exertion for him to cough. He barely had any energy to sit himself up that morning but managed to grab his wand in time to cast a silencing spell on the door. No one needed to hear that. He found himself coughing up small amounts of blood, which had coagulated. Once the coughing had subsided enough, he retrieved one of the last few vials of his cough suppressant potion and groaned at the thought of having to brew more. But now due to the clots he was currently hacking up, he foresaw a busy day of brewing ahead of him.
Once he gathered enough energy, he dragged himself to the bathroom to shower, despite his aching body. His clothes no longer felt fitted against his form but hung alarmingly loose like curtains. He had lost most of his appetite within the last few weeks, and occasionally, will join the others for a meal to keep up appearances. But he could barely stomach the scent of food now, as opposed to the taste. His tastebuds were not the same, and he tried to at least force himself to take in much-needed fluids, so he didn't die of dehydration first. At first, Granger noticed his sunken, thinning form several days ago, and suggested she brew nutritional potions to act as supplements, but Severus hastily dismissed the idea, determined to deal with it himself. His diminishing dignity was bad enough to deal with. The only food he could tolerate was small pieces of bread, and herbal tea, which was enough to satisfy him, but not clearly enough for him to sustain any energy or nutritional adequacy.
When he reached downstairs, it did come as a shock to find Harry and Draco convening in the kitchen, somewhat civil. As long as neither tried to kill the other, he didn't care. Once they discussed their plans, and Granger's arrival, the three of them were sent off to seek more information. Severus really didn't approve of them leaving, but even if he did suggest for them to remain in safety, he knew they'd never listen. They weren't children anymore and Severus had some difficulty in putting trust in them not to do anything reckless, but there was nothing else could do but wait. He knew the golden trio had spent nine months hiding in the countryside from Snatchers and Death Eaters on their tail, so he knew full well that they would be more than experienced looking after themselves. He didn't need to hold their hand.
He still didn't like the idea of sending them into possible danger, however.
He picked up the box of potion equipment and ingredients Granger had delivered and made his way back into his homely cave in the basement. Severus set up his workspace with a small copper cauldron and tapped the burner under the tripod with his wand to set it alight. He began to work on the anticoagulant potion, which he had brewed for the hospital wing for Madam Pomfrey at Hogwarts several times over the years. It was not a common health potion amongst the students, but there had been some incidences within the last decade when he was called upon to St. Mungo's to provide them with extra assistance in brewing some of the magical remedies for the sick. This one was a common one amongst the older witches and wizards with more severe heart problems and circulatory issues. He measured half a cup of freshwater water to begin as a potion base and allowed it to come to a boil before he began adding the remaining ingredients. In the meantime, he lay out what he needed. He always made sure to have everything before he could begin. He was far too meticulous to allow an amateur mistake such as that.
Almost an hour later, he measured a quarter teaspoon of turmeric, ground Chinese ginkgo biloba leaves, and daisy roots, and added it to the other ingredients. He allowed the new additions to seep and simmer, giving the ladle six turns anticlockwise until the mixture turned to a rusty orange hue.
Severus was too focused on his work, to notice the front door opening on the floor above amongst the bubbling sounds of his cauldron.
"- Why on earth does the house smell like soggy newspaper and mulled wine in here?"
Severus smirked to himself behind his curtains of greasy, raven hair, before he eventually called out with a slightly croaked voice, "In the basement, Minerva."
He heard a light scuffle on the stairs above, and moments later, Minerva McGonagall appeared at the foot of the staircase, picking up the hem of her robs as she went, "All these floors, and you still choose to work in the dark depths? Surely, you could have allocated another room for potions brewing, Severus."
Severus added three peppermint leaves, and stirred again, responding in his usual languid tone, "After seventeen years of working with you, you still insist I should alter my methods?"
Minerva gave a tsk, shaking her head, "You never do listen to my advice."
He tilted her head towards her, "Any particular reason for your visit, aside from your criticism?"
"Goodness, do I need a reason to visit a dear friend?" Minerva frowned.
"Enlighten me."
Minerva gave a stern look towards Severus and perched herself on one of the wooden stools at the edge of the table, "I thought it best if I'd stop by to see how you were faring…" She eyed the potion ingredients on the table, "…Is that a blood thinner?"
Severus pursed his lips, "Well observed."
Minerva glared, slightly irked at him, "You know full well I'm more than adept at recognising a potion. Especially a medicinal one. So why is this one necessary?"
Severus said nothing, as he turned to stir the cauldron once again.
Minerva gave an exasperated sigh, "Goodness me, Severus…May I assist in any way?"
"That will not be necessary."
"Why won't you allow me to help?" Minerva looked defeated, leaning closer to examine the man's pallid face, in the pale candlelight, "I'm extremely concerned for you, Severus. Shall I request Poppy to attend to you?"
Severus frowned, shooting the elderly witch a warned glare, "Don't you dare, Minerva. I can deal with this myself."
"How about another Healer, if not Poppy?" Minerva suggested.
Severus shook his head, "The answer is still no. Allow me to deal with this on my own terms. I will not be subjected to twenty-four hours round the clock of being poked and prodded unnecessarily."
Minerva sighed and looked away sadly. Severus stared into the simmering cauldron, feeling a new hollowness within him. Eventually, he turned to look at the woman, "They will not be able to do any more than what I am at this moment. I cannot risk exposure, and I'd prefer not to spend my last days rotting in Azkaban when I can be of better use here."
"The Minister is on your side, you know that. Kingsley has immense respect for you."
"Ahh yes, but as of the Council? The Wizengamot? The Minister may have some sway over the decision, but the proceedings are based on the verdict of the majority. I may have the Minister's support, but the others may never bend willfully in my favor. Not after what I've done."
Minerva frowned, "Albus has already cleared your name from the first War, and they are already aware of your spy duties."
"Yes, well, Albus barely left me anything in my defense for the Second War when he subjected me to do his dirty work, asking me to kill him and risking my life for a boy that he planned to send to his death," Severus glared at Minerva, "My only defense are my blasted memories. I highly doubt the Wizengamot will accept that in my defense, especially as a skilled Occlumens. They will not trust my memories. I will have to be subjected to Veritaserum for hours on end."
"You have our support, Severus. I will testify. Potter will most likely testify…Molly…Miss Granger - "
Severus suddenly slammed down the ladle on the wooden table, "- The evidence is not enough. It will not work in my favor, Minerva. You and I know that when the Aurors capture me – and it's a matter of time until they do – that my fate remaining in Azkaban will be sealed. I'm simply delaying the inevitable. Once this curse runs its course, I'd rather perish here than sealed away in a prison cell."
Minerva flinched, "You have a chance. The Death Eater trials have begun, and they are showing no mercy to those who were loyal until the end. Potter will be in your favor. His words, if anything, are worth more than you led yourself to believe - "
"- I don't want Harry's bloody defense!" Severus hissed.
"Well, it is your only defense, Severus. Stop being so stubborn about it, " Minerva said sternly, until drew in a breath to calm herself, "Listen, we'll deal with it when the time comes. For now, your health is a priority. Once we get this all sorted, I'd want to have you back at Hogwarts to teach."
Severus grumbled under his breath, "I do not wish to return to Hogwarts. That is the last place I wish to be."
Minerva's face fell, obviously not wanting to hear such a decision, "You are needed there. Horace promises to remain for a few years, but he is more than looking forward to proper retirement this time. In a few weeks, I will begin to send owls of interest for the seventh years to repeat if they so wish."
"After making the last school year are living nightmare? I beg to differ, Minerva. No student would ever approve of me there. I am as bad as Albus employing a bloody werewolf to teach students Defence. They are calling it the Dark Year, oh, don't I know it! It does not bode well for me, as I allowed it to happen during my forced stint as the wretched Headmaster. This is not up for discussion."
"Well, you have more than earned a break, Severus. A vacation, perhaps? When you are ready, you can return.”
Severus snorted sarcastically, "You have the notion that I will live that long."
Minerva gasped, "This is no laughing matter, Severus! Why are you taking this so lightly?"
"I am not taking this lightly. My fate has been sealed for years. This is all I have been destined to do. One hardship after another and no reprieve."
"You are acting like you are a burden."
"Aren't I Minerva?" Severus turned his entire body to face her directly. His face fell in wariness and defeat, "I'm tired of fighting. I have spent most of my life scrambling to survive. That is all I do. Merely, survive. I have put the lives of others before my own. I could never allow myself to have anything more. I gave up on the thought of happiness because it would sooner be ripped away from me if the Dark Lord ever discovered anything different. Facing him was hell, Minerva – you could never understand. I was not lucky enough to live in ignorance such as the lot of you. I risked everything and gained nothing," Severus looked away and leaned over the bench. He curled his lip, angry with himself…angry with the cards he'd been dealt.
It was an endless, vicious cycle of torment.
Minerva studied him for a few moments, taking in every one of his frustrations. After a pause, she continued, "You did not gain nothing. It was what you did that ensured Potter to do what needed to be done. You gained a second chance to live a…free life - to make your own decisions now. The world is no longer against you, Severus. You have a chance to mend fractured trust and good heavens, I know you have been making amends with Potter. That is quite the turnaround of events, is it not? Many people are aware of your crucial part in the War."
"I've never been free. I will forever be condemned for my actions. I'm no savior, or…hero," Severus was repulsed by the last word, feeling pitiful.
"You have support and allies this time. And they are willing to help you. Do not dismiss the help that is provided, even from me… " Minerva reached out and gently clasped Severus' hand, which still rested on the table. Severus' hand recoiled slightly from the tough, something he always felt uncomfortable with. He felt defeated and lowered himself onto the other wooden stool beside her. Eventually, he squeezed back her warm hand against his cold one, holding it there for a few moments before carefully retracting it, placing both of his own hands within his lap. Minerva offered a small smile, "One day I'll get a hug from you."
Severus scoffed, "Unless you hex me, I'd never do it willingly."
Minerva stood up slowly from her seat, "You're always afraid to get close to anyone. There is no reason now to keep those shields up, Severus." She reached out to place a reassuring hand on Severus' upper back causing him to tense and rubbed small circles in comfort, before she bid him goodbye, and departed Grimmauld Place, hearing the door close upstairs.
With a heavy sigh, Severus finished up the potions he planned to brew that day and collected the finished vials. He left half the supplies in their allocated potions cabinet for the pre-made remedies and slipped a few vials into his robe pocket. With the remaining liquid, he down a vial full of the anticoagulant, grimacing in its bitterness, then made his way upstairs dragging his weary legs as he went.
No one else had arrived back yet after several hours later. He wasn't too worried, per se. After all, they were old enough to make their own decisions without being demanded on by their no-nonsense ex-Professor.
Severus wandered up to the sitting room on the first floor, cursing under his breath given the number of stairs this place had, and settled his weary body into the single chair by the fire. He leaned over onto his knees and ran his hands over his pale face, feeling exhaustion succumb to every part of him. He felt a few sharp stings of pain within the wound in his neck, tingling down his arm, but tried to avoid his stronger analgesic potion until he deemed it necessary. He would never waste resources for a simple sting, even though it bothered him consistently. After years of enduring the usual sting of the Dark Mark when he was called upon, this he could deal with for now.
And yet he carried on.
Observing the now small cuts on his fingers from his visit to Malfoy Manor with Harry the other day, he pulled out his own wand from within his robes. The wounds weren't bad, as they had since healed a small amount on their own. But the thin cuts were still sore, and now glistened red. He flourished his wand over the wound.
"Episkey."
The wounds began to knit together, but a spark from his wand emitted a small jolt of electricity, causing him to recoil instantly.
"Bloody hell!"
The wound had stopped repairing, as the charm ceased, leaving it half-complete. Severus swore under his breath, gritting his teeth in hopelessness. He lifted his hand to the wound on his neck, to check if it was not seeping through with blood. So far, it was subdued. But he had to be careful now. He had commenced a blood-thinning potion to prevent any further blood clots in his system, so a wound could cause devastation if he didn't keep a close watch on it. Especially a wound so severe, along with the multiple other bite marks ravaged around his body that Nagini had left behind in her wake.
He gave a flick of his wand at the empty chair in front of him, and it all but moved a few centimeters to the left, with a light SCREECH against the old wooden floorboards. He flicked his wand at the empty mug on the table to cast a levitation charm, and he managed to hover it as intended without further issues. Severus gave a small sigh of relief.
At least one spell works. Will hardly be adequate in defending myself, however.
Severus leaned back into his chair and closed his eyes briefly. Ever since he discovered his magic was slowly fading, he had been trying to practice his range of spells to determine which ones were affected. It did seem, however, that he still had some magical control over his limit, but he noticed it did consume a lot of his energy to attempt to harness something that was no longer available to him. The thought of losing his magic left him grief-stricken. Magic was the only thing in his life that protected him and kept him safe. The thought of losing that sense of security was difficult to fathom.
I'd be no more skilled than Argus Filch at this rate once this curse is finally done with me.
It didn't take long until finally eyelids grew heavy and decided that he'd try and get some sleep in after all. He swung his favorite traveling cloak over himself like a blanket, and closed his eyes, slowly drifting off to sleep.
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The sounds of incoming footsteps treading up the staircase began to stir him slowly awake. The light from the window was dimming close to dusk, as Severus figured he had managed a few hours' sleep. He pinched the bridge of his nose to quell a mild headache, until Harry, Draco, and Granger finally entered the sitting room, causing him to sigh in frustration from the disturbance.
Severus eyed the teenagers wearily as they seated themselves opposite him, "I expect your little adventure turned out remotely useful?"
Immediately the three began to jump straight into what they had seen and heard, from their trip into the forest following a blood trail and discovering the vials, to the appearance of Rita Skeeter and Draco's confrontation with Blaise Zabini. Severus' attention darted from each, absorbing whatever information he could in order to piece the evidence together within his mind. They had mentioned Selwyn complaining about some kind of red powder on his robes, which had Severus the most curious. Eventually, the teenagers had finished telling their tail and waited for Severus to respond, almost as if they were justifying themselves from sneaking beyond Hogwart's nightly curfew.
Their words were quick, and Severus had a slightly more difficult time in processing them than his usual sharpness. He wasn't thinking clearly, and he knew it wasn't just his exhaustion playing tricks on his mind.
"Red powder…" Severus echoed those words and allowed his gaze to linger unfixed beyond the three sitting before him. He mulled over those words, trying to think of the reasoning behind them. "Calliandra haematocephala, perhaps?"
The three before him blinked, looking confused.
Severus continued, jumping straight into lecture mode, "Red powderpuff. A type of shrub with large red flowers, however native to Bolivia and not found naturally in Britain. Furthermore, once acquired, it is used in some potions for its medicinal properties. I highly doubt they are charitable enough for the feat. Or poinsettia, which is a small plant displaying rather vivid red leaves and is often dried and ground to a fine powder. However, that is native to Mexico and Central America and has been used as far back as the ancient Aztecs to create red dye. Poinsettia also inhibits magical properties in healing, especially that of the mind."
Draco scrunched up his face, "Sounds great, but I don't see how either of those fit."
"I am merely relaying what immediately comes to mind," Severus pursed his lips, "However, it may not even be plant-based. Another element that comes to mind, is the possibility of it being some variant of red soil. However again, it is not commonly found in Britain, but in further reaches of the globe. That is not to say it can be ruled out, as some traces have been known to be discovered deep in cave systems, and not on the Earth's surface as it is usually found."
Granger frowned, "But sir. Surely, they wouldn't have traveled beyond Britain. It would have to be somewhere in apparition vicinity to avoid the use of a Portkey."
Severus nodded, steepling his fingers together atop his lap, "Quite right. Red soil does derive from crystalline rocks and can develop in warm, humid climates, so it could very well be possible that some traces were found deep within the surface. But such substances would have to be located within the bowels of a forest, as the canopy enforces its temperature sustainability. If your geography skills are up to par, both England, Wales, and Scotland have a vast amount of dense woodlands. Ireland is also a possibility, but not usually within apparition limits.
"So, I suppose that further narrows it down then?" Harry responded, with a lazy shrug, "Maybe it won't be so impossible to find after all."
Granger's eyes lit up, and suddenly looked excited, "Brilliant! "
Severus raised his eyebrow at Granger, and spoke in a comically dull tone, "Since Miss Granger here is so eager and overjoyed, then I suggest you begin procuring such books from the Hogwarts library you enjoy raiding so much. Aside from the fact that such books should not be removed from its grounds, or suffer the wrath of Madam Pince, however, I am no longer staff, and you did not hear that from me."
Harry chuckled under his breath, "…Didn't realise you were such a rebel, sir."
Severus looked amused, but an air of mischievousness glistened curiously behind his eyes, "I won't lie and tell you that I never did such a thing."
Granger, grinning, jumped up from her seat, "I'm going to do just that if you don't mind, sir. Harry, another detour?"
Harry stood up himself, following Granger's lead, "Actually, I was going to pay Ron and Ginny a visit to tell them what we discovered today. Keep them on the lookout."
"Yeah, sure, tell the entire wizarding community, " Draco rolled his eyes.
Harry frowned at the younger Slytherin, "They are my friends, of course, I'd tell them."
Draco looked bitterly at Harry but remained silent.
With that, Harry and Granger departed Grimmauld Place again, leaving Draco leaning back on the couch rather casually, tapping his fingers against the sides of his leg appearing bored.
"You better quell that attitude, Draco," Severus pursed his lips, speaking in a tone of warning.
Draco cracked a grin, despite the mild scolding, "It's a part of my charm, don't you know?"
"Not according to my nerves and minuscule tolerance for patience, it isn't."
Draco huffed, "I worked with the two dimwits today, what more do you want from me?"
Severus raised both eyebrows, "Absolute compliance," He paused for a moment, and allowed himself a small smile, "…You did well."
"Yeah, well, I didn't really have any other choice, then did I?" Draco responded, disapprovingly.
"Your skills are needed. Be grateful that they allowed you to remain here for the time being."
"You seem far too comfortable with them around," Draco his eyes, as if he were putting Severus under intense scrutiny. He raised his head, watching the man before him for any faltering sign. There was a small pause.
Severus noticed this behavior, and frowned, "…Spill it, Draco."
Draco crossed his arms over his chest, "What is up with you? You plan these huge missions, participate where you see fit, and then hibernate for the rest of it. And every time I see you, you look even worse for wear. What is it you are not telling me? Did I mess up the healing spell or something?"
Severus clenched his jaw, not in any way ready to tell Draco of his ill health. It was the one person he genuinely wanted to keep this from. But Draco was intelligent, no doubt. He grew up surrounded by Death Eaters and Dark Lord supporters and had a natural gift of picking up nuances and behavior from others around him. He could analyse a character well, despite his own attitude getting the better of him at times. Perhaps he learned a lot of this passive skill from Severus during Death Eater meetings. It was the perfect opportunity for his Godson to develop these skills of psychoanalysis and reading body language. He knew something was wrong and Severus gathered that he had sensed it for a while.
But Severus knew that he could no longer hide this now. Before it was too late to tell.
Severus inhaled deeply, and allowed himself a few moments to exhale slowly, trying to formulate the words within his mind, "Did you ever wonder why my wounds never healed?"
Draco crinkled his brow in thought, "Well, I naturally assumed it was because I couldn't properly perform the healing spell you taught me. It wasn't exactly the ideal situation to be learning from, just so you know."
Severus gently shook his head, "No. You performed that spell adequately, but that is not the reason. Nagini was a cursed snake, imbued with the soul fragment of the Dark Lord. When she savaged me on that night, her venom pieced my skin and thus ingraining me with a curse that cannot be vanquished."
Draco paused, trying to understand, "What does that even mean? I thought the venom was curable?"
"Not this time. The curse itself has the poison in a slow stasis, but it is progressing by the day, shutting my body down slowly. The curse was designed to be fatal…not without its last attempt at inducing maximum suffering," Severus averted his gaze briefly, from the grey-blue eyes staring back at him, "The Dark Lord made sure of that when he further strengthened her defenses."
"Wait…" Draco's face seemed to go several shades paler, "You're…You're…dying? Th-That can't be right. What about antivenom? The snake is dead…it should have ended the curse…"
Severus shook his head slowly again, doing his best to ignore the teenager's dismal expression, "Antivenom has slowed it down, yes, but it cannot effectively rid me of the poison unless the curse is broken. The Dark Lord ensured his curses were…unbreakable," Severus looked down at his mildly trembling hands, still coming to terms with it himself, "This is why I am not at full strength. Everything is slowly shutting down, as with my magic…I didn't want to tell you, Draco, because of the situation with the disappearance of your mother."
"And he went after you because he thought you were the master of the Elder Wand when it wasn't even yours, to begin with…" Draco suddenly buried his head in his hands, "Th-This cannot be happening. Is there nothing we can do? Surely there has to be something…"
"There is only one. A transference spell that was discovered, which is a ritual separated into three parts. The first is now complete and the second takes place in two weeks. That is the…thing…which Granger had mentioned earlier," Severus' face softened, "It is not guaranteed to work, but there is a chance it may. It is, regrettably, my last option."
Draco looked back at Severus, looking heartbroken, "…Is there anything I can do?"
"For now, work with the others. I may not have the strength to participate in any further attacks given the unpredictability of my spellcasting, therefore, you must help them in my place. Cast aside your differences and unite with them momentarily. That is all I ask of you."
"How long -?" Draco started to speak, but quickly shook his head, "- You know what, I don't want to know."
Severus looked solemnly at his Godson, "I truly apologise for divulging this information to you. Only a handful of people know of my condition, thus, you must ensure it stays that way. I wanted to protect you from this, but it was wrong of me to keep such a thing from you. You deserve no more dishonesty… " He paused, observing Draco's defeated expression. Severus leaned back in his chair, and smiled thinly, "You know, I am incredibly proud of you, Draco. You persevered, through impossible difficulties. And yet you stand tall, determined. You are undoubtedly, a Malfoy to the very end. You may not have ever seen it within yourself, but under the self-serving moral cloak your father gifted upon you lies a goodness that showed me that you never wanted to harm a soul. Never intentionally."
Draco hesitated, frowning in confusion and doubt upon such a statement, "How would you ever know what I want?"
"I've known you since you were an infant. I've watched you grow and learn, unfortunately, in pursuit of influence, power, control…" Severus paused, "But during the Dark Lord's rise to power, I've seen you evolve and mature. The Mark changed you, Draco. I was once in your place, therefore I recognised that change within you. We relished in the thought of working alongside the greatest power the world has ever known because it provided us with immense security and protection…a sense of belonging. Yet once we were finally branded, the harsh reality of what we signed up for came to light. Once you began to suffer personal losses you realised that there was nothing left to gain."
Draco stared at his Godfather almost in disbelief, but he eventually slumped his shoulders and gave Severus a slow nod, looking away as the truth hit him square in the chest.
Severus continued, softly, "You made a bold decision to oppose the Dark Lord at the very end, against your family. Specifically, your father, because at that moment you likely had no idea your mother did the same thing. For that, I am proud of you. It takes a massive loss to shake up your own moral compass."
Draco nodded again, "I guess you're right."
"Of course, I am. I am no stranger to it. Do you understand now, Draco? From now on, you get to decide your own path, hopefully, the higher path. Do the right thing. I only wished that your father had taught that to you, as opposed to forcing you to follow in his dastardly footsteps."
"It's too late. The damage has been done."
"Be that as it may, you're alive. You have the rest of your life to make good choices. I'm not requesting you to preach to the choir, Merlin forbid – all I'm asking is that you have the potential to be better if you so wish it. By helping us – them – is already on a better path. Towards a common goal. I don't expect you to befriend them. Now tell me - if your father were here, what would he have advised you to do?"
"He would have asked me to kill them," Draco said, plainly.
"And would you have complied?"
Draco hesitated, "…Yes."
Severus raised his eyebrow, "And why do you think you would?"
"Because I don't want to disappoint him."
Severus nodded curtly, expecting that answer, "So now that he is not here, would you still comply with that request?"
Draco frowned, pondering that question. He paused for several moments, until he sighed, and eventually shook his head, "…No, I wouldn't."
The corners of Severus' lips twitched into a small smile, "You see? You spent your entire life abiding by his wishes for fear of being a disappointment to your family during the Dark Lord's reign. And yet look what became of your father and aunt in pursuit of power and notoriety. He loved you…in his own way, of course, but he forced his ideology upon you, so you didn't know any different."
Draco fell silent.
"You realise I do not wish for you to be without a father, but he was undoubtedly – "
"- A bad influence on me, I know, " Draco sighed, "I've always known. I didn't have a choice, did I? The Dark Lord chose to punish me because of his stupidity at the damn Ministry. And he knew I wouldn't have been able to kill Dumbledore. He bloody knew it."
"You have far more humanity than your father ever did," Severus responded, bluntly, "Never in the twenty years had I known him, did he ever change his mindset. And yet, you did."
"I don't…I don't hate him. Not really… " Draco curled his lip, "He'd just never change - not even for me. He never even gave me a choice, because he wanted control over me to make the family look good. To please the Dark Lord. Well, I'm done being a bloody poster boy and I'm done being punished for his mistakes."
Severus gave a curt nod, "…Then you know the path you must take."
Draco looked up at his Godfather and nodded, "I don't know what good it'll do, but…I'll try, I suppose."
"And that is enough."
If Severus could prevent the darker paths of two teenage boys, then perhaps he could finally do something right for once in his life.