Jamie Anderson
+ + + + +
CHAPTER 45: Penance
Three days until the Full Moon
Severus awoke a day later feeling as if he were run over by a herd of Erumpents. Multiple times. His already weakened form felt battered, as he ached all over. His eyelids felt heavy, as he struggled to open them, but he could sense more awareness around the room. He knew he was awake, but it was a mere matter of summoning enough energy and strength for the task of opening his eyes. Severus let out a tiny groan, as his throat felt like it was torn with razors. He felt parched – He gently opened his mouth and ran his tongue over his dry, blood-caked lips. His feeble attempts at moving his fingers were tiresome, but he knew he was awake. He just needed time to compose himself.
What on earth happened?
He didn't recall much of anything of what happened or why he struggled to wake up. Vaguely recalling the faces of both Draco and Harry during his struggle, he remembered nothing more as everything faded to black. He swallowed the rising bitterness and caked blood building within his throat, grimacing at the extreme sour distaste as he did so. He shivered from the recoil – his body shook several times, and that was enough to pry his eyes open. Slowly, his heavy eyelids lifted as his dark orbs finally shifted back into focus. Severus exhaled slowly, as the face of his Godson sitting beside him moved into view.
Severus attempted to speak, but his throat was dry and sore, and mere words came out as incoherent croaks. Draco leaned forward and assisted him to sit up further within his bed, shifting the pillow behind his head. Once Severus' posture in bed was adequate, Draco reached for the goblet of water by his bedside and assisted him into taking a few careful sips.
After successfully clearing his throat enough, he winced as a small jolt of pain pierced his neck, causing him to painfully clench his jaw, "…Analgesia…By the bedside…Beside my wand…The amber-colored…" With a weakened outstretched arm, Severus pointed to the square vial sitting beside his black, ornate wand. Draco didn't hesitate as he grabbed the vial, uncorked it, and assisted to tip it slowly into his mouth. Severus closed his eyes briefly, allowing himself time to swallow the thickened syrup, until he felt a slight warmth ripple through his body, relieving the consistent stabbing pain within his neck. Severus opened his eyes and glanced over at Draco's worried grey-blue orbs staring right back at him. "…What did I miss?"
Draco bit his lip, as he sat up straight in his chair, arms crossed over his chest, "You had a coughing fit, bled everywhere, and passed out. That was just over a day ago. You don't remember?"
"I remember nothing."
The younger Slytherin continued to stare at him, taking in the vulnerable form of his Godfather before him. Eventually, he snapped back from his disheartened reverie, "I – we – were worried. We thought you were…"
Severus' voice quietened, "Whatever transpired, I apologise you had to bear witness to that."
Draco tapped his fingers nervously against his folded arms, "Potter informed me further about this…incantation of sorts. Do you really think it is going to work?"
Severus sighed wearily, "I have no answer to give you because I do not know myself."
"No guarantee? What is the point, then?"
"All for a sliver of a chance, if the spell itself deems me worthy of life."
Draco shook his head, disapprovingly, "…Sounds complicated."
"Well, the Dark Lord wasn't about to make his curses easy to vanquish, now would he? This was his cruel design. A failsafe."
Draco paused for a moment, "And there really is no other way? …None at all?"
"None at all."
The younger Slytherin growled under his breath, defeated, "The next Full Moon is in three days' time. Potter told me about the implications of being there, but I'm going. You've got another thing coming you think I'm going to wait here and sit on my hands."
"It is imperative that you take that warning seriously, Draco – "
Draco shook his head, " – Why should I? So, you can leave, and potentially drop dead out there? No bloody thanks."
Severus responded sternly, "Stop worrying."
"Stop worrying? Are you mad? Hell, you even have Potter worrying about you – " Draco couldn't believe what he was hearing, " - You're my Godfather. If you leave, I have no one left. No one."
"And here I thought you were angry at the very sight of me."
Draco crinkled his brow and confusingly shook his head, "No - I was mad at you for switching sides without any of us knowing. You can't blame me for being furious about it. But dammit, I don't want you to…- "
Severus tilted his head slowly to one side, "- I do not blame you, Draco. You have every right to be furious with me, but I never intended to abandon your family. Things at the end took an…unforeseen plummet to the depths."
"Yeah, they sure did," Draco peeled his gaze away briefly and stared at the array of multi-colored potions by the man's bedside, "Did you need extra potions brewed? You seem to have the entire St. Mungo's supply here."
Severus gave a light, dry chuckle, "It is indeed quite the collection, " He shook his head, "Not at all. I will take another blood-replenishing potion and an antidote shortly. Although, I must make use of the invigoration draught today because I will be severely weakened for a few days prior to the second phase."
"Wonderful. Bloody wonderful… " Draco responded sarcastically, "I noticed that Granger brewed those nutritive and rehydration potions earlier today for you…Might be wise of you to start taking them."
"Lucky me… " Severus responded rather dully until he paused and raised a quizzical eyebrow, "…You didn't berate her?"
"What, that Mud – "
Severus' eyes widened, "- DON'T use that word."
Draco swallowed thickly, recoiling slightly within his chair, "Oh, uh. No…I don't like being here when she is, but she's…helping you. I can't say no to that."
Satisfied, Severus gave a single nod, "Good. Now, leave me, Draco. I'll join you later."
Pleased that Severus was awake and alert, Draco left the room and closed the door behind him, leaving his Godfather in a solitary state once more. Severus still didn't have much energy to move much yet, but as he eyed the stack of unfinished parchments on the desk within eyesight, he exuded a heavy sigh in reluctance. It was more brainpower than the physical energy required for the task, both of which he barely had enough of.
…I'll tackle those blasted things later.
Once he managed to ingest the additional potions, Severus allowed himself to shuffle back down further within his bed, clutching the blanket, and pulling it back over himself shivering occasionally. He had enough of the analgesia within his system to allow him to sleep a little more comfortably. Considering he had a day of potions to go, his body was in desperate need of rest and recovery and required the rest for the blood-replenishing potions to further strengthen his system. He could afford another few hours' rest, then attempt to make himself useful later.
Somewhat.
He'll be getting a lot of sleep in the lead-up to Phase Two, which he clearly was not looking forward to. After being shocked by the hallucinogenic appearances of his father and the Dark Lord, it pained him to think who else would show up to taunt him to oblivion, as if things weren't already bad enough for him. At heart, Severus was strong. But being shattered and broken down by people in his life left irreversible damage within his very soul, and each person so far had already told him how utterly pathetic and worthless he was. He already knew that, of course. It was something already so ingrained within him, that he simply couldn't think any differently. But he had no choice but to face the next emotional onslaught and pray that it would not send him off the edge of the cliff he was already stepping dangerously close to.
Severus' path has surely taken unexpected turns since he last confronted the Dark Lord, inches from his demise. Unplanned, as though his supposed death was, he never intended to fight it if that time had finally reached him. Even though at that point, he didn't expect to live long enough to see justice upon his old master, and Lily's life finally avenged. But no. He was willing to embrace death because there was nothing else left for him. What more could he possibly have fought for at that time? Death was, in his own dying eyes, merciful.
But somehow now, even loneliness didn't feel quite the same anymore. Being alone now, felt remarkably different as opposed to his last seventeen years spent in solitary isolation of his own making. Once he did his duty as a teacher for his classes of rule-breaking misfits, he spent the rest of the time alone in his private quarters within the dark and murky dungeons of Hogwarts, feeling that blissful silence like a well-earned relief. But those days are over, and now, even being alone felt different.
Because for the first time in his life, he wasn't alone. He truly wasn't this time.
To Severus, at first, that change in events admittedly scared him. He had conditioned himself to deal with that loneliness by only trusting himself. He was his own security. His own protection. Yes, he did have Albus who guarded him within the grounds of Hogwarts, and away from his initial Azkaban fate. But as a spy and forced undercover wizard, he could not rely on anyone else but himself. But those days are gone now, and he knew…He knew now that he was not alone. Now that a small group of people knew that truth, and what he had to do – Now he spent the last few months trying to rebuild the relationships he had no choice but to destroy for the sake of 'the greater good'. For the sake of Albus' grand plan to weave Severus back into the Dark Lord's web of darkness and death.
Severus was far from equipped for this new change. Not just the change within the fate of the wizarding world now, but a change within himself that he never knew he was even capable of. What madness did this world come to, when Harry Potter was willing to do whatever he could to save his life. Severus' own miserable, ill-fated life. A life that should not have been wasted on him, because all he ever did was destroy lives. He was a burden and a wretched evil to others, and thus, always believed of him undeserving of a good life. Unlike all those around him.
He never dared to give himself hope.
But maybe. Maybe there was a chance. A small chance, perhaps. But still, a chance that maybe he can live without those burdens, and perhaps live with the notion that after all these years, there were people who actually did care enough for him. Harry and Draco were the key. Both young men being the only ones who truly showed him any kind of empathy, although Draco did indeed need a little extra work in that degree. But Harry – That undeniable empathy and kindness that carried him through all his school years, despite the darkness he also faced, would be Severus' undoing.
This child…This young man, now…Brought upon a change in Severus that he never thought was even possible.
And that was his sliver of hope to fight for a better life. A new one.
Even those who live in the shadows can change, right?
Severus allowed himself to sleep a few extra hours and dragged himself up from within his bed feeling every ache and pain as evident as before. As he sat upon the edge, he picked up the vial of the single invigoration draught on his side table and downed it like he was taking a shot of whiskey – which really didn't sound too bad at that point. It took a few minutes for the liquid to seep into his system, giving him newfound energy for him to be remotely productive for the rest of that day. He went and took a shower and settled back within the comfort of his usual day attire, being careful to allow a few loose buttons at the top from where the bandage took much of that space. The bandage was constricting enough, and he was tired of dealing with it every day.
He began to make his way downstairs to the kitchen, and carefully as he could upon over-exertion – blasted stairs! As he could hear voices emanating from the kitchen below via the stairwell, he could make out some of the conversations.
"- Harry, we don't have to organise something big. Just a gathering. That's all."
"You're lucky I managed to convince Hermione not to set up a surprise because you'd probably kill us for that."
"Look, guys, I appreciate it, but I don't think I'm in the mood to celebrate."
"Well, we weren't able to celebrate last year, and you'll be eighteen soon! We can't just do…nothing."
"It's not the right time for it."
"Mate, it's your birthday. There is only ever one time a year for it."
"You know what I mean."
Severus managed to smirk to himself in time to make his appearance shift to his neutral expression as he walked into the kitchen to find Harry chatting to his other two Gryffindors. They stopped their hushed voices immediately, as Severus swept past the three in his bid to settle himself down on the far end of the table. Kreacher wasted no time and prepared his usual tray of tea along with the latest Daily Prophet – which had become Severus' little ritual in the past few weeks. Severus slowly lowered himself to the chair at the very end, and with a heaved breath, pulled the newspaper in front of him. The others began chatting amongst themselves in their hushed voices. Severus couldn't care less what mundane things they were talking about, and he could barely focus himself much these days to pay close attention. Lately, in his sickened disarray, he finds himself losing focus rather quickly and 'zoning out' a little too frequently for his liking. At the rate he was going, he was on par with his unruly first years.
This was his last day to get in as much tea and food as he could possibly consume. Round two of fasting began at midnight, and he was in for another few rounds of hell in the lead-up to Phase Two. He couldn't wait to get this over with, whether he lived through the end or not.
Severus picked up one of the jam scones on the table and bit into it. Immediately, he grimaced from the sweetness that he was not used to. His tastebuds have been all but playing havoc on his appetite, and he placed the half-bitten scone back down on his napkin in disappointment. Picking up the ginger tea, he managed to try and dissolve the sweetness with the bitterness of the ginger and lemon.
"…Sir?"
Severus didn't look up from the Daily Prophet. He sighed, wishing he weren't roped into their conversation, "Yes, Mr. Weasley?"
"So, what do you think we should do about this attack with that strange potion?" Weasley questioned.
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
Severus looked up and stared with his usual steely gaze, "You heard me. Don't go foolishly chasing it, therefore, stay away from public locations until further resolve. That is my suggestion."
"Then how are we supposed to track them down?" Granger questioned.
"I am no seer. If you'd rather be enlightened as such, seek out Professor Trelawney."
Harry snorted disapprovingly, "No thanks. If we get another prophecy, I'm going to lose my mind."
Severus looked at Harry sourly and clicked his tongue, "Point taken."
"Well, if it's any consolation, I've further narrowed the search. Although I still can't fathom what this red powder may be, " Granger interjected, "I just wished we had some sort of…point of reference. A landmark, or something. Finding a specific cave in Britain is like finding a rock buried in the desert. It's all hidden."
"The rest of the DA are getting restless. Half of them are too worried to venture back out there, " Harry tapped his fingers nervously upon the wooden table, "Some of us even went back to the Quarry to see if they returned there, but it's surprisingly still empty. We thought maybe we missed something."
Severus paused; observing the disheartened expressions upon the Gryffindors on the other side, "Sometimes the wisest choice you can make, is to do nothing. Wait for another opportunity, and don't actively pursue it. Especially when danger lurks in places you presume are safe."
"Yeah well, tell that to your boneheaded Godson who keeps sauntering off by himself, " Weasley frowned.
"However no business of yours, I am well aware of his ventures. Though I have taught him the ways of concealment and safe infiltration and does not require the likes of wand-happy Gryffindors to deter him from his tasks, " Severus was getting irritable.
"You can't be serious? So, you have no problem letting him out there, but when we do, we're irresponsible? That's bollocks!" Weasley glowered, as his voice rose slightly, "You can't tell us what to do!"
Severus glared venomously at Weasley, "I can only assure you the best course of action, Mr. Weasley. If you choose not to heed my advice, then by all means, go out there and face the same danger your missing friends have faced."
"Ronald, he's right, " Granger spoke quietly, "Look at what happened at Godric's Hollow. We were unprepared in that instance. We all went out there without a plan, and we lost people. Dead, injured, or captured. And now they are testing this…thing."
"We don't know where they'll strike next with that, that's the frightening thing, " Harry sighed, "Right now, yes, we need to lay low. Narrow down our search. We all have enough targets on our backs."
Severus downed the remainder of his tea and slowly rose up from his chair feeling another painful sting to his neck, "Patience is clearly not your strong suit. However, I suggest you make it so. Like you, I do not particularly like standing idly by. Furthermore, you must remain cautious. You'll thank me later when you get to live another day."
The Gryffindors remained silent as Severus moved past them and began to make his way upstairs for some additional peace and quiet. He refused to further this discussion, as he was already exhaustedly irritable and if he stayed any longer, he may not be able to control his anger. Severus already had enough on his mind and dealing with notoriously reckless Gryffindor's should not be one of them.
As predicted, the next few days were absolute hell.
Severus cursed not being able to have the bathroom closer – despite it being next to his room - although he was grateful to be the only person occupying that floor. The nausea he was unable to suppress by magical and Muggle means was too much to handle. Despite having nothing much in his stomach, to begin with, he was excreting whatever contents were left. In some instances, blood would be amongst it leaving Severus sickened by the sight of it. Draco himself didn't have a strong stomach, so even he couldn't tolerate supporting him in the time he spent hurling in the bathroom. But despite that, Draco was clearly quite concerned about his ghastly state. He spent a lot of the time with Severus, tending to him where he could. Once he could deal with it no longer, he swapped with Harry. It was like a very odd game of tag, to see both the Slytherin and Gryffindor swapping duties so effortlessly even though they lacked in verbal interaction because both wanted to avoid that kind of unnecessary confrontation. Severus was the unfortunate wedge between them both, and the only reason why both boys were not attempting to tear at each other's throats.
They were staying strong.
For him.
+ + + + +
The Full Moon
Reaching Phase Two felt like crawling in a marathon sprint.
Severus was quickly losing patience as trying to manage the excruciating pain became a feat within itself. He purposely kept himself locked up within his own quarters with a Silencing Charm on the door, because it took every ounce of energy to prevent him from yelping like a wounded animal.
Well, it wasn't too far from the truth.
Right now, he didn't even feel remotely human, and he wondered if this was on par with a werewolf transformation. The urge to claw at his own skin was too great, as the pain no longer just radiated from his neck. The agony itself sent shockwaves throughout his body, and he tried desperately to grit his teeth and deal with it, wave by wave. He was exhausted. Attempting sleep when his body was extremely tense, was practically useless. He felt powerless. Pathetically vulnerable. A weak and poor excuse for a wizard. He was a Master Potioneer. A gifted Occlumens. A skilled wizard in the realm of the Dark Arts, and yet he could not find a way to overcome this.
There was no better way to fix this if any. The only other option was death.
Severus spent the day trying to desperately re-seal his mind from the onslaught of pain, but his mind was as weak as his body was. Occlumency was not going to help him here this time. The art could only shield him from attacks of the mind – The pain was a physical manifestation within his own body and that which cannot be blocked by a simple thought. Occlumency could be used as a meditative tool, much as what he instructed Harry with. But his own case was different. This was not a nightmare for him to overcome within the deep recess of his own clouded mind. Occlumency is not an ideal tool for physical pain unless it was psychological manifestations like the effects of Crucio. His own pain far exceeded psychological. It felt like his entire body was set alight.
Severus spent most of the day in extreme discomfort, pacing within his room to deter his mind from his later task. His mind would not focus on the unfinished parchments laying on his desk, and the sight of his bed was enough to further frustrate him. He had already made a strict rule with the others not to bother him until it was time to leave, because the last thing he wanted, was for them to see him at his most vulnerable. He wouldn't allow that if he could help it. Severus knew that he would have no control over the direction of the ritual and that alone was enough to strip him of his pride and dignity. Anything else that was beyond his power, he'd be sure to keep the two away for a short time.
Harry had already shown Draco the book which contained the details of the ritual, and the Gryffindor made sure that he understood the dangerous implications of intervening. Severus tried his best to keep the Slytherin away, but he was just as stubborn as Harry. There was no avoiding both of them when the time came.
As the clock edged closer to eleven o'clock that night, Severus exited his bedroom to get himself ready and refreshed in the bathroom. Not before, once again, expelling his stomach contents down the toilet for a short time. Once he was done, and his stomach had ceased the burning sensation, he finally managed to shower himself without any further trouble. Severus changed his dressing and took care to observe the other war wounds scattered around his body, making sure they wouldn't cause further problems. He slipped into his usual day attire, grabbed a stash of the medicinal potions by his bedside for later, and made the journey downstairs. Once he reached the entrance foyer, he saw both Harry and Draco waiting silently by the door. Harry was carrying the bag of supplies along with the second protective potion completed by Granger, whilst Draco was hugging the large tome to his chest – Both watching carefully as Severus made his way towards them.
"Let's get this bloody thing over with – " Severus huffed, as he walked swiftly past them and out the door, as the two teenagers followed cautiously behind.
Harry clasped his hand over Severus' wrist once they reached the usual Disapparition point, and reached out hesitantly for Draco's. The younger Slytherin curled his lip venomously at the gesture but begrudgingly held out his wrist. Harry knew the location, and Severus was in no state to Apparate himself, so the Gryffindor was tasked with it. Once they arrived within the familiar crevices of the Forbidden Forest, Severus leaned on the nearest tree in order to catch his bearings. His stomach hurled once again, but nothing came out except for the strong acidity burning his throat. Grimacing at the aftertaste, he picked himself up and walked steadily ahead toward the clearing they occupied last time. Feeling the familiarity upon the grim walk, he glanced upwards to find the full moon ahead glowing brighter than ever, casting an eerie light across the clearing.
Severus clutched at his neck, as another exhausting wave of pain forced him onto his knees, panting through gritted teeth. Draco automatically dropped to his side, as Harry set up the space around them. Through narrowed eyes, Severus watched as Harry planted the five selenite rods in the earth creating a circle, and proceeded to adjust the candle and bowl of water in front of him. Meanwhile, Draco flipped the pages to the incantation as Severus shakily withdrew his wand to conjure up his Death Eater mask – the chosen vessel for this cancer within him. He couldn't wait to get rid of this thing, this…dark artifact that ruled his life along with the Dark Mark that was burned upon his skin. He watched as Draco shared the same regrettable expression upon the appearance of the Mask. Neither one of them needed the words to express that shame and regret.
"Malfoy, you need to wait back here – " Harry called out to the Slytherin, who shot him a look of loathing before he made his way over to where the Gryffindor stood.
Now, the rest is up to me. What a joyous occasion.
Severus gave himself a few minutes to compose himself, as the pain began to momentarily subside. He knew it was about to get worse, but he wasn't about to give up now. With his wand, he tapped the bowl and filled it with water, and turned to the candle to ignite the flame.
"Claustrum initium". The selenite crystals glowed, as the familiar tendrils of light connected each point to illuminate a protective cage-like barrier around him. Severus picked up the white, pearly-colored potion and downed the contents without a second thought, feeling the warmth of the liquid wash over every part of his battered body. Immediately he began to chant the accompanied protection spell, "De caelo superiore…De tellure inferno…Ab igne dextero…Ab aqua sinistra…Quod incepimus conficiemus…Quocumque sequenter venit…"
Immediately the flame of the candle shot upwards and extended its fire to the sky, while the silver bowl of water rippled amidst the protective conjuration of the elements. The leaves around him rustled, as the mild winds of the warm summer night blew through the clearing. Severus felt an unexpected wave of peace and tranquillity – one he knew he didn't feel during the First Phase. He could only hope that it was a good sign, but only time would tell.
Severus drew in a deep breath, as he stared at the aged pages of the tome in from of him, ready to chant the second part of the spell, "Dona mihi vires ad incognita…Sine sole sileo…Quoad perierint sidera…Vita mutatur, non tollitur…Audiatur et altera pars…Non nisi in morte finis est officii…Morituri nolumus mori…Dum tempus habemus, operemur bonum…"
Severus winced in heated anticipation upon finishing the first round of the enchantment, although nothing significant happened this time. He could feel the unnatural warmth build up within his body, and he knew that he was generally able to withstand the warmer temperatures, so something felt slightly off. His skin gradually began to flush with a burning warmth, so he proceeded to remove his black button-down coat, revealing his white undershirt. The burning still radiated and continued to rise, but he gritted his teeth to ignore the discomfort and proceeded with the incantation.
He glanced down to find his Mask glowing with a dull white light, flickering softly like a lone candle. Gentle black wisps floated in the air within the cage he set himself, and gravitated towards the object, drawing them in like a magnet. There was a mode of satisfaction as he watched, hoping that maybe the ritual was doing its job as intended. It was a good sign, but Severus really didn't want to get his hopes up too high otherwise it would just set him – and everyone else – up for further disappointment.
Severus turned to the book once more, and began to chant with his deep, resonating voice, "Dona mihi vires ad incognita…Sine sole sileo…" The burning began to escalate, pausing so that he could gather further breath. He could feel a mild ringing in his ear, causing his vision to be slightly skewed as he felt a sudden wave of vertigo. He hunched over; the curtains of his black hair hung over his face as he struggled to draw in an adequate breath, "Quoad perierint sidera…Vita mutatur, non tollitur…" Severus groaned as the pain began to rise once more, feeling small beads of sweat begin to form upon his brow.
"Malfoy, sit still!" Somewhere behind Severus, Harry was scolding Draco.
"He needs our help!" Draco growled under his breath, "I can't sit still!"
"I know, but we can't do anything yet. Trust me on this. He needs to sit this through – "
Severus couldn't respond for fear of disrupting the incantation, so he pushed on ahead, ignoring rising vertigo and the bickering voices behind him, "…Audiatur et altera pars…Non nisi in morte finis est officii…" The moonlight overhead seemed to cast dancing shadows on the floor before him and appeared to be swirling in a manifestation of physical beings. Severus tried his best to cast his eyes away for fear of who they might be, but his peripheral vision couldn't help but become fixed on ahead. Severus' breaths became erratic as the pain intensified, feeling his head throbbing with tension.
He heard a familiar, deep chuckle before him, and Severus tried his best to avert his gaze away from his next interrogator. He knew exactly who that was. The haunting, mocked laugh caused Severus' cheeks to flush with equal bitter shame and humiliation.
The darkened laugh continued for a short time until it died down to the familiar sickly calming tones, "Ah, Severus. You could have been so much more…"
Severus shook his head, trying to rid himself of the voice within his mind. The projection, which he knew only he could hear. Just ignore it, Severus. Ignore the old coot. He's not here. It's not real. Focus -
"…I gave you a second chance to live because I felt pity for you..."
Severus felt fresh rage slowly build within him. He knew what he was doing. He couldn't let this happen. He kept his gaze peeled to the tome in front of him, "Morituri nolumus mori…" Severus suddenly yelped in pain, feeling like someone had just stabbed him in the neck, feeling like his wound was being ripped open again and again. With a shaky hand, he reached for his neck and felt some trickles of blood. It felt far worse than it was, but to Severus, he felt like it was being torn right open again.
"…You were far too easy to sway, you see. Those strings are still attached – My most prized puppet…"
Severus' face twisted in utter repulsion, as his gaze snapped upwards to find the gleaming smile of Albus Dumbledore looming over him like an ancient monolith. He looked exactly as he did on the night he died, and Severus felt complete fury contort in knots within his chest. Severus shook his head wildly.
"Shut up, you old fool!" Severus snapped at the ether, knowing very well it wasn't real. He didn't care. He refused to cower to this form like his father and the Dark Lord did before him.
The hallucination of Albus chuckled again, "I am the last person you should be unleashing your anger towards. You, of all people, are to blame for everything that happened. Did you forget that it was you who decided to relay the Prophecy?"
"You know I did not hear it in its entirety…I wasn't to know what it meant…"
"That fault only lies with you. Why relay half a Prophecy?"
"You know I made a mistake! Why remind me? I know, Albus…I know!" Severus spat, still furious.
Vision Albus remained unfazed by his response, just as he usually did, "An entire family – a happy family - tragically and unnecessarily torn apart…Because of you…"
Severus' fist clenched into a tight ball beside him, feeling his anger mask the physical pain that was still burning through every inch of his sallow skin. He didn't need the reminder – He knew what he had done. If he could take that all back, he would. He would change his actions if he could, but it was far too late. The damage was done, and it still tore Severus from within, even after all this time. Because of him, he hurt people, and he will forever take that to his grave.
"Do you think I was happy about that, Albus?! Do you think their deaths were satisfying to me?! I am not that twisted!"
"Ah, but you tried to save the life of Lily, above her husband and young child? You cared not for the latter two, only for Lily -"
Severus' lip curled in malice, "- There was nothing I could do for the child! The Dark Lord had already chosen him. I could not sway his decision. You know I tried! And I cared not for my tormentor, but Lily…She had a chance…"
"You still disgust me, Severus. You allowed your scorned disdain to cloud your judgment. Instead, you allowed your past to turn you into an instrument of darkness. Voldemort's pet. There was never any hope for you."
Severus growled loudly, as he slammed the ground with his fist, "You know nothing! You used me! You took Lily's death as a tool to control me! You never once cared about how…I felt…You allowed Potter to continue his malice against me while I was a student!"
"You blame me for Lily's death, when in fact it was you…You've always been heartless…No soul survives within in you…You cannot be saved…"
Severus rose higher on his knees; his face hot with rage as his voice shook, "I APPROACHED YOU TO PROTECT HER! THEM! ALL OF THEM! I CAME TO YOU FOR HELP! OF MY OWN BLOODY CHOICE! I WANTED TO END MY OWN LIFE WHEN I MADE THAT MISTAKE! HOW DARE YOU CALL ME HEARTLESS!" The blood from his neck trickled further, as he could now feel blood dripping from his nose in retaliation from his bottled-up anger and fury. The warm blood continued to soak over his left shoulder, sticking the shirt to his skin. His head throbbed with a rising headache and the accompanying stress. His breaths were erratic and uncontrolled. He wanted to stand up and choke the man, but he couldn't because he wasn't physically there. Oh, but he wished he could. He wanted nothing more than to wrap his hands around his throat and strangle the old wizard for everything he put him through up until his pre-empted demise.
He looked down upon the ancient tome in from of him, and finally gathered enough persistence to finish the second reading of the incantation with his leftover rage as he spat out the words, "Dum tempus habemus, operemur bonum!"
As the hallucination of Albus swirled back into nothingness along with the echo of his mocking laugh, Severus doubled over as if someone had kicked him in the stomach. His skin burned again, and he yelped in pain once more, this time feeling hot tears prickling within his eyes. His body tremored in pain, as he wrapped his arms around himself to stop him from shaking. His anger was still fresh within him, and he gently rocked himself back into control and calmness once more. His voice lowered to a distressed whisper, "…I tried to save them…I tried…It's not all my fault…Please, I tried…I did what I could…It wasn't enough…"
"Severus, one more time. Say the spell once more time – " It was Draco, "- Ignore the old bat. You can finish this."
Severus's gaze remained fixed upon his glowing Mask, hearing voices around him that he struggled to distinguish. He didn't even know what was real anymore, as all voices were merged together within his mind, "You're not here…You're not real…"
"Snap out of it and finish the spell! We're here – " Draco continued; his voice echoed behind him. He could sense slight fear within his Godson's voice. My Godson…Is he really here?
"Yes, we're here. Keep going - " That was Harry this time.
Severus' head jerked upwards, and tilted it to the side, "…How do I know it's you?" He closed his eyes, in a bid to re-focus. He tried to further distinguish the two teenagers within his mind, trying desperately to convince himself that they were indeed, real.
There was a slight pause, "I puked all over you when I was a baby when you held me for the first time. Mum insisted you did, of course. She found it hilarious and told me about it when I was older. I teased you about it for years -" Draco answered. There was another pause, and Severus could hear an amused snort from Harry, "What? It's true!"
Severus couldn't help but curl his lip in disgust, "Absolutely vile. I do not know what your mother was thinking."
"Err, I threw the filibuster firework in Goyle's cauldron in my second year to distract you, so Hermione can steal potions ingredients for the Polyjuice potion we were brewing - " Harry added.
" – You?!" Draco explained, "I got hit with Swelling Solution! Along with half the class!"
"Yes, that was indeed idiotic – " Severus paused, followed by an amused snort, "However, I knew very well it was you. You presumed my ignorance?"
"Legilimency. I should have known, " Harry responded.
Severus smirked underneath his curtain of hair, "That wouldn't have been necessary. Your feeble attempt at appearing innocent gave you away. I witnessed Granger leave the room, and where else would you have procured such a pyrotechnic object with a W emblazoned on its side? Though at least now, I have your confession."
"…Busted, " Draco chuckled mockingly behind him.
Severus turned back to the book in front of him, feeling a new wave of energy as the teenagers were indeed successful in diverting his previous anger upon his vision of a taunting Albus Dumbledore.
One more time, Severus. You can finish this. Keep Albus out of your mind, and concentrate!
Severus drew in a deep breath and turned back to the book opened idly before him. He stared upon the painted image of a man kneeling much like he was, with his head inclined to the stars above. In the picture, a twisted smoky mass had surrounded him, exuding mainly from his chest. Around him were distorted murky figures with their arms outstretched and pointing mockingly at the subject in the center. Severus looked upon the picture, almost too afraid to continue. He cleared his throat, for one last chant of this verse, "Dona mihi vires ad incognita…Sine sole sileo…"
Severus suddenly felt his throat constrict, as he let out a struggled gasp – his chest burning upon the suffocation. His mouth tasted like soapsuds, and his panicked eyes grew wide as he realised what was happening. Grasping at his own neck upon instinct, he coughed and spluttered feeling the pressure within his lungs rise. He had been in this position before – This was that horrible day….
No, this can't be it! No, not again!
Panic began to rise further within him, looking wildly around him for his attacker. He fell forward onto his hands, coughing and spluttering until he felt spots of blood from within the corners of his mouth. He drew in a desperate gasp for air, as he was finally able to re-fill his burning lungs.
"Aww, Sevvie. You know why that happened, don't you?"
Severus' blood ran ice-cold, as his body tensed and became rigid. That voice…He could barely remember that voice…
Oh, no. No no no! Please, not her…
"Don't ignore me. I know you can hear me. You do remember me, don't you? Do you remember my voice? …My face? …My eyes?"
A breath caught in Severus' throat, as he cast his gaze downwards, doing everything within his power to avoid looking up. "NO – You are not here! You are not real!"
Severus could hear the rustling of the leaves in front of him, as he could feel a presence loom over him, much like the Albus hallucination had done. They were playing tricks on him. His mind was playing tricks on him. It – whatever it was - knew that these two would break his heart the most…
"Oh, I am very much real. Why don't you look at me and see for yourself?"
"NO! Be gone! I don't want to see…" Severus shook his head, lowering his head further to the ground.
"FACE ME, SEVERUS!" The voice screamed, causing Severus' heart to skip several beats, and feeling his head twitch to the side in recoil.
"…No…" Severus' voice dropped to a whisper, as it cracked.
"You can't even face me, can you? You can't even look at me after everything you've done!"
Severus whimpered, unable to respond. He held his gaze cast downward, staring at the Mask inches from his face.
"How dare you. You ruined everything! You destroyed my family!"
Severus struggled for breath, amidst his shattered heart, "…I-I didn't mean to…"
"And Harry? He suffered the worst of it, because of you! He grew up without his parents and tossed aside to my wretched sister and her swine of a husband! They treated him like garbage!"
"…I didn't mean for any of that to happen…" Severus buried his head in his hands, still unable to look at the hallucination. He knew it would wreck him completely, by looking up.
"You keep saying that, Severus. And he spent the rest of his years being relentlessly tormented by YOU! How could you do such a thing? He is NOT his father!"
A tear escaped Severus' eyes, "I know…I realise that now…I didn't…I couldn't…" He couldn't continue, as he released the sob building dangerously within his throat. He could never justify his behavior. He knew he was a monster…a vile man. He knew he did wrong. He knew he went too far.
WHY DIDN'T ALBUS JUST LET ME DIE?! He could have said 'no', or he could have killed me, or allowed me to do it myself…
"You still can't even face me? You COWARD! How could I even think of becoming friends with you? …You sicken me…"
"Lily, please…" Severus' voice continued to break, trying desperately to withhold the rest of his tears, "…I'm –"
"- Sorry? Oh, please. The damage is done. I could never forgive you."
Severus shook his head, still avoiding her gaze. His voice tremored, "…Stop…"
"You couldn't even show my son an OUNCE of kindness while he was under your watch. You treated him with such animosity – I could never, ever forgive you for that."
"…Please, stop…" Severus wailed, like a wounded animal. He didn't care what he sounded like. This was just too much for him to deal with. Of all the people in his life, it just had to be her…
"LOOK AT ME, SNIVELLUS!" The voice was enraged and ferocious and frightened Severus enough to make him jump in his skin. At the booming voice, he finally looked up to find the distorted face of Lily so consumed with anger and rage, that he had never seen her beautiful face that tainted by darkness before. He allowed further tears to run down his face, as his onyx eyes searched desperately within the haunted green ones for any sign of empathy. He knew this was not Lily, but he couldn't help but feel like it made no difference. Her form was here…condemning him as the monster he always knew he was. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't think straight. All he could focus on were those now-venomous green eyes staring back at him with utter loathing and repulsion at the very sight of him.
He could hear panicked voices behind them, but he could not concentrate on what they were saying. His attention was fixed only on Lily, and he could think of nothing else. He was ashamed of himself. His self-worth was shattered. His pride was destroyed in a blink of an eye.
"SEVERUS, KEEP GOING!" This time he heard a yell from behind him, but his mind was dazed and unfocused. How long had they been talking? He couldn't comprehend those voices. It all seemed like a blur, as the only prominent voice within his mind was that of Lily condemning him for all his faults.
With tearful eyes, he quickly peeled his sight away to look back down at the book, and continued chanting, "Quoad perierint sidera…Vita mutatur, non tollitur…"
"…You disappoint me, Severus. You chose the Mark over me. You chose darkness, over me… "
"It was my deepest regret, Lily. It will always be my deepest regret, " Severus whispered, as his voice grew hoarse, "I can never undo the damage I've done…"
"You should have just thrown yourself off the Astronomy Tower the night you killed Albus."
His chest heaved with struggled breaths, tightening upon his distress. He continued to chant, desperate to end this, "…Audiatur et altera pars…Non nisi in morte finis est officii…" The invisible knife in his neck twisted, causing another jolt of pain radiating throughout his body. He cried out in pain, grasping his neck once more. He saw more tendrils of the curse float within the confine of his cage and was gently being drawn into the Mask. The Mask glowed again, but Severus wanted nothing more than to crush it with his fist. He could not stand the sight of it. It was repulsing, as of everything it stood for.
"Back to ignoring me, now are you? You never did listen to me. However, did you make it this far, is beyond me. James was always a far better man than you will ever be. I tried to defend you from him, but I was clearly wasting my time. You still became nothing."
"Morituri nolumus mori…Dum tempus habemus, operemur bonum, " Severus choked out the last few words, as he completed the incantation on its third turn. He looked up solemnly to find Lily's face still remained as hostile as ever. Gone was the smile he once remembered. Gone were the shimmering eyes of pure happiness that he missed so much. She was right. He still became nothing.
Severus looked down upon the Dark Mark emblazoned on his left forearm – There were scratch marks burning red all over it. Throughout his ordeal with the Lily vision, he had been subconsciously tearing through the Mark with his fingernails. The Mark was now bleeding, but Severus was oblivious to the pain of it. He let out another strangled sob, as the sight of the Mark permanently etched upon his pale skin, was too much to bear. Its dulled black marking taunted him, reminding him of one of the worst mistakes of his life. With a shaky hand, he reached beside him and curled his fingers over a cold, flat-sided stone with sharp ridges.
He looked tearfully up at Lily, who gave him a frighteningly serene smile in return, "…Is this what you wanted, Lily?" Severus suddenly struck the stone against his skin, feeling a tear upon its surface. He didn't look down, as he struck again, harder his time. He could feel a trickle of fresh blood running over his pale skin. "Does this satisfy, you?" He struck again. And again. And again.
He felt nothing. The stabbing pain in his neck was enough to mask whatever damage he was inflicting across his left forearm. The Mark was still there, antagonising him. Severus was desperate to conceal it, and he felt that there was no other way to do it. It was there and he could never truly get rid of it. Every time he looked down upon it, he felt consumed in misery and guilt for everything that Mark symbolised. What kind of person could he have been today if he didn't take that oath? Those words constantly echoed within his mind, as he stared at the flickering flame before him. His mind was incoherent with painful memories, and the inability to comprehend what was happening to him. He felt displaced. Where was he? Was he even alive?
"It's almost over, Severus…" Their soft voice came from behind him, as yet he did not know who it belonged to. They sounded upset as their voice shook. Severus blinked and remained unmoving as tears still streamed down his face.
"Severus, what are you doing?" The second voice was clearly panicked.
Severus was a broken man. A mess, that even he could not fix. Why did he bother trying? Why bother with a meaningless life? Who could ever accept a damaged, darkened man such as him?
"Potter, can I go to him, now?"
"In a few minutes…We need to wait for the first rays to show – "
"Bloody hell. This is…"
"…I know."
Oh.
Severus' body trembled with sobs, as he looked up into the horizon behind the tree line. He dropped the bloodied stone – his destructive instrument – and leaned forward with shoulders hunched. His strength was fading. There was nothing else that he could do. He watched as his Mask continued to glow, but it continued to flicker like candlelight at the end of its wick. The conclusion of the ritual that night was near, and he could already see the first rays of light of a new day. Severus shuddered as the light washed over him, and the Mask ceased its glow. Ushering the spell to bring down his magical enclosure, he extinguished the candle and sat there, unable to move and he stared motionless at the horizon. He heard a sudden rush behind him, as his Godson threw himself down beside Severus wrapping an arm around his prominent bony shoulders.
Harry had dropped to the ground on the opposite side, and stared in horror at the bloodied mess on Severus' left arm, "…What…What did you do?" Harry's voice was barely an audible whisper. He didn't expect an answer, of course, but it took every ounce of his willpower to accept what had happened.
Severus did not respond, as he simply didn't even know what to say. He stared ahead catatonically, dazed, and disorientated coming to terms with his experience that night. He could feel something gently being wrapped around his arm, as the three of them sat in silence hearing nothing else but the morning song of the birds in the trees above. Eventually, Severus looked wearily back down to his arm to see it covered and immediately buried his head in his hands as another choked sob escaped him.
Draco looked up at Harry, eyes widened, finally realising how bad this situation was.
Harry could only respond with a single, heartbroken nod.