"Every person has the power to change their fate if they are brave enough to fight for what they desire more than anything."

~ Stephanie Garber, Caraval

CHAPTER 59: My Fault

Severus awoke in the dead of night, face pouring with sweat as he tossed and turned in the worst pain imaginable.

He bit down upon the blankets twisted in the bed around him, fighting against the pain that erupted through every inch of his body. The pain felt like searing hot knives slashing at his skin, and he could practically feel the dark tendrils of the curse moving and inching their way to every unaffected area of his body. His hands and feet felt cold, numb, and useless. A blue tinge could be seen throughout his fingertips as he knew full well his inability to breathe adequately, was deeply affecting him already. A powerful jolt of pain would be triggered every few moments, causing him to writhe around in his bed as if the Cruciatus Curse were upon him.

His vision had blurred, but it had far more to do with the blinding pain that he suffered throughout this ordeal. It had been hours since the potions had to be stopped, and he didn't hold back from verbally cursing the darkness to oblivion at every available chance. He knew someone else was in the room trying to calm him down, but his head was spinning too much for him to focus on them. Occasionally he could hear voices, but he could not register who they were from, and what they were saying. It almost felt like he was halfway into a dream state – not in a deep sleep, but not quite awake.

Severus could feel a cool cloth being re-applied to his forehead during the times he was able to lay still for a few moments, and he subconsciously tried to fight against it. He could barely register anything that he was murmuring, as his mind did not feel like his own.

Every few hours the pain would stop, and Severus was able to relax enough to allow some measure of sleep. It was a small relief and breakthrough from the agony the curse was inflicting upon him piece by piece. But it was all a little too much, and he just wanted this all to end. The pain was unbearable, and he would have much rather be put out of his misery than continue to deal with this.

Why…Why couldn't Nagini have just ended him completely? What was the point of all of this? He was tired of this…Tired of it all…

Through his blurred vision, he knew both Draco and Harry were taking shifts to stay with him. He barely had a voice to protest anymore. His entire mind felt scattered and uncooperative, but nothing he could say would remedy this situation he was faced with. He vaguely remembered yelling at one point but could not remember what he even said. His mind drifted in and out of consciousness, whenever the curse was not trying to tear through his flesh. Whenever he was physically able to open his eyes, he would hazily see either Draco or Harry sitting at his bedside, but then proceeded to drift back off once again. It almost felt like he had far too much firewhiskey on an empty stomach, and he had the hangover from hell.

At one point on the first night, Draco had to pin Severus down because he was moving around far too much, knocking over the contents sitting atop on the bedside table. Severus even tried to claw at his own skin.

"Severus, stop bloody moving!" Draco hissed.

Severus merely growled under his breath not fully comprehending, as he felt fresh blood dripping down on the side of his neck. In all his movement out of pain and discomfort, he had dislodged the bandage, causing it to seep again. He heard Draco yell out to Harry, who raced into the room rather quickly. As Draco tried to keep his Godfather still, he felt Harry plaster another bandage to his neck, holding it firmly to try and stop the bleeding once more. He heard the two teenagers shout back and forth, but he could not fathom what they were saying. Eventually, Severus calmed down as another wave of intensity ceased for a moment, allowing Harry to properly bandage him up yet again.

Severus took a few shaky, deep breaths, and closed his eyes, feeling exhausted and weak. Eventually, Harry left the room once again, once that situation was under control.

"Draco…Is that you?" Severus could barely manage a whisper, as his throat felt hoarse and dry.

He felt the hands over his wrists gently release, as Draco sat back on the edge of the bed, "Yeah, it is. Sorry if you end up with bruises on your arms…"

The older Slytherin sighed wearily, "Do what you must…Even if you have to knock me out."

"As tempted as I am to do just that, I don't think that would be a good idea, " Draco responded, as he leaned over to place another wet cloth over Severus' forehead.

"…Pity. It would do everyone else a world of good, " Severus mumbled under his breath.

"Nice try, but at the state of you already, you'd have a difficult time waking up if I did."

"Your father wouldn't hesitate."

Draco frowned, "Yeah, well, I'm not my father."

Severus paused for a moment, "No…No, you are not."

Severus leaned to the side to cough several times, feeling his entire body shake as he did. His chest felt like it was on fire. Once he managed to compose himself, he turned his head back to his Godson, "Draco, when you venture down there with the others, I request that you do not do anything to jeopardise the lives of them. I know you've been on opposite sides for years, but you must set aside your differences and work together. It is the only way if you plan on reaching your mother alive. Trust them. Is that understood?"

Draco seemed to curl his lips slightly in distaste, but his expression soon softened once he realised his Godfather was right, "Yeah…I know. I know…"

Severus paused to observe Draco before him, until he managed a tiny, weak smile, "I'm proud of you, Draco. I never said it enough before, and I wish I did, but now that things are…different…I just want you to know that."

"If you get sappy on me like a damn Gryffindor again, I might vomit."

Severus frowned, however, remained serious, "…Did you prefer I say nothing?"

Draco sighed and shook his head, "No…Dad never really told me that. I did whatever he wanted me to, and still, it was never really good enough, was it?"

"You were placed in an impossible situation, Draco, " Severus shuffled in his bed in an attempt to get himself into a more comfortable position. Draco leaned forward to assist, throwing an extra pillow behind him as he did so, "Where Riddle was concerned, it was either immediately comply, or instant death. Torture was imminent on both. You did what you could."

Draco lowered his head, "I'm a disappointment."

Severus' eyes widened, "No, you are not. Most certainly not to me. You being here, despite the circumstances, is already a better path set for you. I'm grateful you did not flee after I brought you here - " His eyes watered as a build-up of a sharp pain began to radiate once more. He grimaced, and writhed to the side, feeling all sorts of discomfort. His chest felt like something was trying to claw out, his stomach felt like he had been kicked over and over again, and his head felt immense pressure. He felt slightly nauseous for a while, and during this onslaught, he could not say a thing. He groaned as he tried to breathe through the pain, but there was only so much he could do. He watched as Draco panicked a little, appearing just as helpless. Severus' body continued to tense up, as his muscles felt like they were burning.

Draco tried to hold him still again, and it took a while until the wave of pain subsided again, leaving Severus' body to finally relax. Plagued with exhaustion, he allowed himself to drift off to sleep without finishing his conversation with his Godson.

Severus had almost shocked himself to find that he awoke just before midday. According to Draco he awoke several times and appeared to hallucinate, apparently threatening to dock points off Slytherin for Draco not completing his Potions homework. Along with a few mild episodes of nausea, Severus managed to get some sleep. But as he awoke, he was almost startled to find Minerva sitting beside his bed in the chair that everyone else seems to be occupying, reading a large novel-like tome. His vision blurred slightly, preventing him from reading the cover.

All in all, Severus really was tired of everyone sitting with him. He just wanted some peace alone.

"Satisfying read, Minerva?"

Minerva peered over her spectacles, eyeing Severus carefully, "Hardly." She closed the book, and sat it atop on the bedside table, "…How are you feeling?"

Severus looked bitterly at her, "You have much nerve to ask me such a thing. Gold star for effort."

The elderly witch looked at him with a gleam of amusement, "I was just testing your sarcasm, Severus. Yes, still intact, I see. You'll be fine."

The Slytherin let out a small snort, "Surely you have better things to do with your time than to remain in my miserable company."

"I'm avoiding the School Board. They are annoyingly persistent, and don't seem to take no for an answer, " Minerva responded, calmly, "Although, they were quite pleased with my request of a grief counselor to be employed at Hogwarts for the year. Potter's idea, actually."

"A sensible decision, " Severus raised his eyebrow, "You? Procrastinating? What has come over you, Minerva? You've lost your senses as much as I."

Minerva thinned her lips, looking sternly at her old colleague, "Yes, well, this new year will be particularly challenging. New faculty, larger Seventh Year classes, some leniency in some of the class requirements for those re-starting their year…An extension to the Common Rooms to accommodate them…"

"I do not envy your position."

"Not to mention Kingsley have assigned Aurors back to the school until this situation is rectified, " Minerva threw her hands up in exasperation, "I'll also have you know, that a few Slytherins will be returning as well."

"Parkinson and Zabini?"

The Gryffindor shook her head, "Good heavens, no."

"Well, " Severus shifted uncomfortably in his position, finally heaving a painful sigh, "You would have handled it far better than I. My apology for the mess you had to clean up after me."

Minerva shook her head gently, "Nonsense. What's done, is done. It was out of your hands."

" - And yet still, I should have done more - "

The Headmistress leaned forward and tapped Severus' hand warningly several times with her own, finally allowing it to rest there, "Enough. You've been through enough. Do not blame yourself for this. Or anything else."

"You assume I would be pleased with the downfall of Riddle? No, not quite. I gained nothing in victory, Minerva. I don't even feel relieved Lily's death was finally avenged…I feel nothing – All I gained was extra time to feel the immense losses. The grief, that has consumed so much of my life. It's still there – raw, and heavy, and it will never go away…" Severus paused, and looked away trying to re-gather his thoughts amongst his breathlessness, "I'm tired of this life, Minerva. This. I'm tired of this. I should not be here…I should not be alive…Now I see why Albus wanted me to end his life….So he didn't suffer as I am now…He took the easy way out…"

"Shhh… " Minerva tried to calm him down, "You've always been a dedicated man, Severus. Despite your illness, you were still determined to try and save the others. You didn't allow death to halt your efforts. We would have expected no less from you."

Severus lowered his voice, almost at a hoarse whisper, "…I am ready to die this time, Minerva. "

"So you can avoid facing what might happen if you lived?" Minerva's face fell, looking devastatingly at her friend, "I know you are hurting deeply. You seem to be consumed by the notion that the world will be better off without you…Well, I'll have you know that it is not true. Far from it, old friend."

Old friend.

Severus softly closed his eyes, not knowing how to respond. Instead, he felt the hand around his tighten. He felt exhausted, but with Minerva's familiar, comforting voice, he drifted off to sleep again.

One day until the Full Moon

Severus sensed more movement within his room, but he felt so mentally disconnected from everything, it was difficult to gather what was happening, and who was around. He knew by that point Minerva must have left, but he couldn't figure out if that was yesterday or today. The last few days felt much like a blur within his mind, and the last thing he could remember clearly were snippets of the last Order meeting at Hogwarts.

How long had he been lying here? He had no idea. His concept of time was currently skewed as every time he opened his eyes, his room was either accompanied by the bright light of the day or the darkness of the night. He vaguely remembered suddenly hurling his stomach contents onto the floor, and he barely heard Draco and Harry talking amongst themselves, but the room was spinning far too much for him to pay close attention. Severus had never, in all this life, felt this horrible before. Sometimes the episodes of pain would feel absolutely intense, that he'd draw blood from his own lip when he bit down in an attempt to stifle his yells. Other times, the pain felt so numb that he could not feel a single limb on his body. Like dead weight. On a few occasions, he was able to make it to the bathroom in time, but that was usually resulting in both teenagers practically dragging him into a chair and levitating him there.

He felt almost trapped in his own mind. A useless lump of flesh and bone.

What seemed like a few hours later, he felt movement within his room once again until he opened his eyes blearily to see Harry dousing his sweat-covered face with a cool cloth which felt like it was covered in a sheet of ice. It was like a welcoming relief, and he had to wonder if Harry had used the ice spell he had taught him previously. That felt like a long time ago – although he did remember that it was the same evening he begun to lose his magic.

Severus tried to say something, but he ended up coughing due to his dry and irritable throat. As he leaned forward, he felt a cold spoon touch his lips, allowing a small piece of ice to fall onto his tongue providing him with a little relief. It took longer than usual for him to melt and swallow the ice, and he winced in discomfort as he did so. But he was thankful for it.

"…Would you like a little more?"

Severus shook his head distastefully, without a verbal response. He sighed after a short pause, as he waited for his eyes to adjust to the bright green ones staring back at him with the intensity of his worry. "...Have the groups been decided?"

Harry nodded, "Yeah. We spent hours discussing it yesterday. I'm assigning Ron, Luna, and Fang, to Draco." He couldn't help but chuckle a little, "He definitely wasn't pleased by that, but if anyone can try and keep him in line down there, it's Ron."

Severus looked mildly amused, "A small price to pay, but a wise decision, nonetheless. And you?"

"I'm bringing Ginny, George, and Angelina with me."

"You declined an Auror?"

Harry shrugged, "After the last run-in with the imposter at Godric's Hollow, Ginny and I were a little hesitant to allow that again."

"…Understandable, " Severus eyed Harry carefully, "You should not delay this any longer."

Harry vehemently shook his head, "No, not when you're like this. What if a Death Eater tries to break in again, or something? There will be no one else here, unless you agree to Madam Pomfrey –"

Severus growled under his breath.

Harry clenched his jaw, slightly annoyed at the man's attitude, "Well, then we're out of options. Besides, the next few days are critical for you. If we abandon this now, there is no re-doing this bloody spell. You may not get another chance…You're barely hanging on as it is."

The Slytherin fell silent, carefully studying the sullen-looking teenager beside him. There was no mistaking the stress upon the boy in recent weeks, and he had begun to notice his drop in mood once again. He had noticed the new dark bands under his eyes, and he knew full well he had been too worried for him to sleep. The stubble on his face told him far more about his lack of self-care, along with his hair obviously remaining unwashed for several days. He knew Harry had been spending far too much time alone in his room, and for a teenager surrounded by many loved ones, that was obviously treading on unhealthy territory. And Severus recognised that instantly.

"What is really bothering you, Harry?"

He watched as Harry hesitated at the question, averting his gaze away from the deathly ill man before him. The Gryffindor made a move to speak, but no words seem to escape him. Harry swallowed thickly, appearing deep in thought. Severus watched as the teenager leaned forward, resting his elbow on the edge of the bed from the chair he sat on, glancing quickly at the thin, red self-made cuts upon the man's faint Dark Mark.

"Is it wrong to say, everything is?" Harry finally responded, quietly.

"Surely there must be more to that."

Harry shook his head, dismally.

"Harry, I know what depression looks like. I recognise it within you, as much as you deny it yourself. I see how you tune out and disconnect at times when you sit amongst your friends. I've taken notice upon your loss of appetite again. Sleep alludes you…" Severus sighs, despairingly, "We're indeed, a conundrum, aren't we? We both cannot simply revel in the victory because we are too busy dwelling on what we could have done differently. For that, we will never be satisfied. That is the bitter truth."

Harry lowered his head slightly, "But…how do we even deal with that?"

"I'm still trying to figure that out, myself."

There was another pause, as Harry looked sadly at his ex-Professor. His guardian and protector, of sorts. The one who saved his backside more times than he could count. Harry sighed, "We don't really know what's going to happen tomorrow night. With phase three, I mean. Maybe I had hoped that it'll cure you completely, and you can join us. We'll stand more a chance if you are there."

"No magic that exists works quite like that, Harry. Optimism is good, but you must also think realistically about this, " Severus tilted his head to the side, unable to peer his gaze away from the teenager before him. Every second of a moment he could observe within him, is crucial for Severus to properly read him. The Gryffindor hid nothing, "You must also consider the possibility that I may not survive beyond tomorrow. Furthermore, you must carry on regardless."

" - Please don't say that."

"Are you expecting me to lie?"

"For this, I kind of wish you did, " Harry's voice quivered slightly, "It's just…not fair. Any of this."

Severus narrowed his eyes, "What have I told you about that in the past? I will not repeat it.

"I know, I know. Doesn't make it hurt any less."

Severus seemed to hesitate slightly, "Nothing I can say will make this any easier for you. This is something you must learn on your own. War devastates all. Picking up the pieces afterward is the most difficult to bear with."

Harry sniffled, but no tears fell, "…I'm being ridiculous."

"No, " Severus said softly, "You are not. You are allowed to feel – Just do not allow it to consume you entirely."

Harry crinkled his brow, "And yet, you're allowed to be stuck in guilt for years?"

"Do not use me as an example, " Severus' eyes flashed in irritation, "My situation is far different. You didn't cause the death of the only person you cared deeply for, because you spat out half vague prophecy to your master, without thinking of the possible consequences?"

"That is not what I meant."

Severus' lips curled in frustration, and he stopped to recollect himself. His lips twitched, "Every time I look at you, I am reminded of my mistakes and what I lost…And what I caused you to lose. Because you could have been…If I didn't…mess things up within my own life - I could have had some semblance of a family. But you would not have wanted me as a father, so perhaps that was for the best. It was simply never meant to be. "

Harry faltered, lost for words. He continued to stare at the man before him, not knowing how to approach him with what he just heard. Eventually the Gryffindor shook his head, "That's not true. You're one of the closest I have to one, right now…If you don't mind me saying…It's really not so bad."

Severus appeared disgusted with himself, "No - I cannot be that person. Don't be daft. It would be an insult to your mother's memory."

"You still think she would be mad at you?"

Severus snapped, "I know so. What I did, was unforgiving. She has every right to continue resenting me, even in the blasted afterlife. Whatever that may be."

Harry continued to shake his head, in disbelief, "I don't believe that. I think you are just imagining the worst. She would have come to respect you, like I have - "

Severus' expression twisted in sudden anger, " - No! I do not want that from her - you – don't you dare!"

"It's not a bad thing!" Harry snapped back.

"It is! To me. I hurt you in so many ways, Harry. It pains me severely to admit such a thing. I spent the entire rest of my life hoping for a sliver of redemption, and yet…I realise that I do not deserve even that. I simply made things worse - " Severus turned his head away, and shut his eyes tightly, " - I shouldn't have said anything."

You idiot, Severus! I'm such a fool! The last time I opened my big mouth, I lost a dear friend and made things worse. That's all I ever do...make things worse.

"No, I don't believe that. Maybe once upon a time, I would have agreed with that, before everything. Just…Not now, " Harry spoke quietly, and he lowered his head in silence, "…Why can't things be simple?"

Severus drew in a deep but rattled sickly breath. He tried so hard to settle his anger, but he couldn't help his small outburst. Perhaps he should have kept his mouth shut – Severus should not have admitted that to him. Deep down, in some twisted turn of fate, he wished Harry were his. In some alternate reality, he wished he had his own flesh and blood to carry on in his name. Not any child would be proud to be a Snape and would likely have been bullied in their youth for even having that. In a small sliver of hope, he wished he had his own child that perhaps, he could re-adopt his mother's maiden name of Prince as a fresh start. But now of his threatened mortality, it was all wishful thinking and a dream that was never meant to be for the life of Severus Snape.

But as his fondness with Harry grew stronger by the day, in some strange way, it was like leaving a child behind.

A new hollow sadness enveloped Severus as he realised the truth of his end. The sealed fate that he could not escape from. He knew he was going to die, and soon, yet there was nothing he could do about it. In a way, he was grateful for the gained time, but now he realised that it was a cruel thing to tempt him with as he allowed those passing weeks to ponder on what could have been.

"…Do you want me to go?"

Severus' gaze softened, and was barely able to shake his head, "...Only if you want to."

"I do, sir...I want to stay."

The Final Full Moon

The following twenty-four hours was the hardest thing Severus ever had to face.

He felt his fever spike dangerously high, as Harry and Draco worked tirelessly to cool him down in any way that they could. Severus could feel the infection of the curse spread throughout his body, almost literally eating him alive. He felt every dark tendril shift and attack at his skin, constricting his heart and pushing against his lungs making it almost impossible to move without a surge of intense pain radiating throughout his body. Everything blurred around his vision, and he was unsure if he was hallucinating. He heard consistent voices around him, but he failed to distinguish them. Neither Harry nor Draco left his side, and in some instances, they sat together in Severus' company.

Severus could only have wished for neither of the teenagers to witness him like this. It was cruel to them, and he knew that dealing with a dying man should not have been left up to them. But he had to commend them for their efforts, amongst all of their worries. Through this entire ideal, both rivals learned to work together to find a common ground, as both had the same goals for the first time in their lives. Severus was relieved that the both of them managed to contain the bitterness towards each other and re-configure their wishes rather than fight over a past littered with such darkness. Both teenagers had endured far too much already in their lives so far. Both had fought valiantly for their future, and yet both did not want to become their fathers. That truly resonated with Severus, too, and he could not be any prouder of them.

As the final evening drew closer, Severus could feel the tension arising within Grimmauld Place as Harry's friends arrived. Granger had delivered both completed potions to Harry, but the entire exchange was somber and pensive. No one dared to say a word.

The final potion was a peculiar one, and unlike anything, Severus had ever seen before. As Harry held up the new vial, Severus gently retrieved it, studying its strange contents in new awe of wonder. For the most part, the potion was a murky black. But it was something between a liquid and a gas, floating within its tiny glass space. Almost like smoke, but far denser. As Severus looked closer at the swirling murkiness, he notices small specks of something resembling glitter, or the sheen from a unicorn horn. It speckled the black so magnificently, it almost looked like stars in a miniature galaxy contained in the palm of his hand. It was fascinating, and such a beautiful potion. But beauty could also be deadly, and that left him with building anxiety. For once, he didn't know what to expect from a complicated potion such as this. Along with the protective potion, this ritual was going to end on an interesting note, whether he lived through it by a sheer miracle, or finally perish.

Granger and the two Weasley's stood by the staircase, assisting where they could get Severus down to the front door of the narrow residence. Once Harry had collected the usual ritual supplies, along with Severus' Death Eater mask covered in protective cloth, he and Draco make haste out of the residence. As they reached the familiar Disapparition point, Draco teleported them away and re-appeared at the magical barrier between Hogwarts and the Forbidden Forest in the dead of night. Severus had discussed with the two teenagers previously about the trace placed upon him from the Ministry, but he wasn't overly concerned about it. They were still technically close to Hogwarts grounds, with the trace losing a tiny bit of strength, so they needed to do this quickly.

Whatever was going to happen.

Harry and Draco assisted Severus to their ritual space past the Thestrals, where the gleaming silhouette of Hogwarts castle rose off in the distance. Some speckles of light emanated from many of the windows from the candlelight, which had Severus wonder who was behind those walls at this point at night. A strange nostalgia tugged at his chest, wondering if he would ever see it again. It held both fond and terrible memories for him, and for a time, had called it home. But now all that was going to rip away from him again, and thus, let the thought leave him once again.

As Severus slumped to the forest floor on his hands and knees looking like death warmed up, the two teenagers set up the area identical to what they had worked with twice before. Draco embedded the five selenite rods into the Earth, as Harry placed the book, the mask, candle, and the small ornate bowl in front of Severus. As the boys set it up around him, Severus stared at the silver Death Eater mask with utter repulsion, hoping above all else, that this would be the last time he ever had to lay eyes on it. A mask he never desired to wear again.

Severus clasped his hands tightly against his chest to cease them from shaking, but now he wasn't sure if that was caused by his usual tremors from his illness or simply nervous energy that was building up within him. His head pounded painfully, as even the light of the full moon high above him, was almost blinding. He barely had any energy to move his head, but after a few passing minutes, he watched as Harry and Draco exchanged worried glances, as they knelt down before him. The three of them looked at each other in silence, almost afraid to speak against the darkness and the gentle whistling of the winds around them.

"See you soon, yeah?" Draco finally broke the silence. But even he looked unsure.

Severus was grim as he looked at his Godson, "We shall find out." He looked at Harry as their eyes met briefly, but Harry nervously averted his gaze away from him. The older Slytherin drew a soft breath, "Listen to me very carefully – both of you. Whatever happens here tonight, you must not forget your primary mission. If danger arrives, you leave me and go. Focus on rescuing the others safely and work together to make that happen. No fooling around. This is not easy on both of you, but on that note, I am immensely proud of your resilience and your strength. I wish there were a better way. Now…Avert your gaze and leave this area at once. Risk nothing, do you understand?"

He watched carefully as both boys nodded silently. Draco stood up first and placed a hand on the man's shoulder, before brushing past him and making a beeline for his usual safe zone behind the twisted oak tree. Harry lingered a little while longer, looking unsure of himself. The Gryffindor tapped the bowl with his wand, and it instantly filled up with water. He then turned to the white candle and tapped it also, causing a single small flame to spark alight washing a golden glow between them. Lastly, Harry handed the two vials to Severus, who gently retrieved them.

Severus took a last look at those green eyes again but noticing a deep sadness behind them. His own soulful depths softened until he could only bear to give Harry a single nod, "…Now go, Harry."

Harry fled soon after, leaving Severus with a sudden feeling of a cold emptiness within his chest. He heard a whisper from the Gryffindor behind him, as the selenite rods glowed and connected with ropes of light, sealing him back within his familiar cage.

He was alone once more.

This was it.

This was the end.

His end.

But he didn't want to die. Truthfully, no. Not anymore.

At first, he thought that's what he wanted as that's what he told Minerva, but with this second chance, he realised the potential he had to continue living. To pursue a life he thought was impossible and unobtainable. He realised, after all this time, that it would have been possible. That there was a chance he could actually try and put everything behind him. The thought of leaving behind two teenagers he grew to respect far more than he ever dared to, broke his own heart.

Severus began to open the book and slowly flip the pages of the ancient tome with shaking cold hands. Once he found the Anathema Excerptum spell, he drew in a deep breath as he picked up the vial of crimson-colored protective potion and downed every drop of its contents without further hesitation. The metallic, blood-like taste and consistency was repulsing, but he tried to fight against his stomach wanting to reject it. He felt a strange warmth emanate from it almost instantly, which seemed to slightly calm his nerves and allowed him to take several relieved breaths without pain. But his hands shook as he picked up the strange, murky black substance floating within the second vial like a trapped fog. The mysterious potion that even he could not decipher. He was, in fact, very curious about it. Fighting against his own alarm bells with its unfamiliarity, he popped over the second vial, and poured the strange liquid into his mouth, feeling it absorb into him almost immediately. He didn't even feel it go down, and yet, it tasted like nothing. Granger was right that the scent of licorice and red wine was evident but very subtle. Although at this point in his life, he could very well do with an actual glass of red wine.

As the second potion was ingested, Severus waited a few moments to analyse its symptomatic effects, whatever it may be. And yet, he felt nothing. No added effect. He anticipated something horrible, but he had to wonder if it would work. He shook his head. He had one chance left to complete this ritual, and he would make sure he sees it through until the end. Perhaps the potion would work in his own time.

Perhaps.

Severus gently cleared his throat, which already felt like razor blades. He began to chant the protective spell for the third and last time, "De caelo superiore. De tellure inferno. Ab igne dextero. Ab aqua sinistra. Quod incepimus conficiemus, quocumque sequenter venit…" He paused as he watched the flame on the candle rise up above him like a rope of fire, until it retracted back and continued to burn softly. The bowl of water rippled at the same time, casting the reflection of the gleaming moon from above him.

Once the effects of the elemental protection spell were initiated, he leaned over to stare back at the old, yellowed pages of the tome. This final phase was structured slightly differently than the first two and required the chant of the third part of the incantation only once, along with a smaller passage in which he was to repeat for as long as possible. Until when, he wasn't entirely sure. The passage itself, was slightly longer than the last two. It was almost like a puzzle, each phase fitting together almost impeccably.

But he really had no time to waste.

Severus peered down at the text and began to chant the first part of the final passage, "Finis origine pendet, Numquam sine scopo. Ex nubibus mihi vires, mors propinqua, sed sīc vīta…" He paused as if anticipating something to happen, but all he could hear were the dry leaves of the forest rustling around him. Severus suddenly leaned forward, as he began to experience one of his usual coughing fits once again. His entire body shook, but he struggled to compose himself. Once he felt like it had subdued, he allowed himself to pause and catch his breath, feeling his lungs burn with each painful inhale. As he opened his eyes, he watched as his silver Mask begin to glow a very dull light, fluttering like a lit match nearing the end of its use. He looked around and yet saw nothing else out of the ordinary. So far, there were no surprise visits and he sure hoped it would stay that way. He has almost braced himself to see Lily again, or even James, but neither decided to show up. Not even his father, or Riddle, or even Albus Dumbledore. There was a measure of relief in that.

Once he wiped the blood away from the corner of his mouth, he cleared his throat again, ready to chant the next passage, "…Spectemur agendo, memores acti prudentes future. Vita non est vivere sed valere vita est, Spīrō ut vīvam…" He paused, as he looked around once again. Yet still, nothing. Severus frowned, wondering if he did something wrong. Did he pronounce a word incorrectly? Did he miss a step? He really wasn't sure. Either way, the potential mistake sent him in a mild panic from within. It was unlike him to mess something up as crucial as this, but the feeling of dread was becoming a little too overpowering.

He shifted his position on the floor, as his knees began to ache uncomfortably. And yet, he continued with the third part of the passage, "…In horā obscūrissimā flōrēmus, ignis aurum probat. Viveri bis, vitâ posse priori frui - Autem Mors ultima ratio…"

There was a strange howl in the winds, coupled with a few other sounds that seemed to merge together. His vision seemed to blur once again, and his ears begun to ring causing him to feel slightly disorientated. He shut his eyes and allowed himself a moment to attempt to compose himself and try his best to clear his mind. He felt strange; disconnected. Almost like he was stuck in a dream, and yet could hear the sounds of the real world. Like he was stuck between worlds. The echoes of one were merged with the other, causing Severus to be further confused. He felt like he was floating, but as he looked down, he saw himself still sitting firmly on the forest floor.

But so far, there were no taunting hallucinations berating him at every turn, so there was a tiny victory in what was happening. He waited with bated breath as if he anticipated lightning to strike him down instead. Severus listened closely for those apparitions to begin their taunt as they did twice before, but he could see or hear nothing of the sort. He furrowed his brow in confusion. What exactly did Phase Three entail? Was it even going to work? He had no clue what to expect, and yet, he knew it was his end. The imminent dread was far too strong.

However, it was the mere anticipation of something unexpected, that was driving him crazy. He knew very well something was going to happen, but he was all out of ideas. He hated not knowing. He hated when things were beyond his control…He needed to feel prepared, but this was going far beyond his own comfort zone. His own beating heart thumped wildly within his chest, as a bead of sweat trickled from his brow. With desperate eyes, he looked back to the mask which continued to flicker with a candle-like glow of a flame before him.

The last tiny passage was all that remained; he needed to chant this until he was physically unable to. Swallowing thickly, he leaned forward and began to speak, "…Cantamen malum super me hac nocte occidat; seiunge animo meo, nunquam lumen videat…"

His mind begun to feel hazy, as his vision doubled once again. But as he strained his hearing to listen to the sounds around him, he discovered a new one. A deep hiss, which seemed to throw its sound all around him like a cricket. The hairs on his arms stood on end, as he realised it sounded exactly like Nagini.

Oh, no…Not again…Please…

He pushed aside the horrifying sounds, as he moved to repeat the text, "…Cantamen malum super me hac nocte occidat; seiunge animo meo, nunquam lumen videat…"

There was a deeper hiss again. Severus looked wildly around him but could not see the source of the noise. However, the frightening sounds of the hissing drew nearer, and louder. He could almost hear the giant snake slithering through the dry leaves and sticks littered across the forest floor, edging its way closer to him. Severus could not run this time, as the cage bounded him to the very spot, he sat in. Along with the sound of the snake, Severus noticed other sounds too, which seemed to echo around him. The first one was a female voice, which seemed to scream and pierce the air around him. The screams sounded like it was emanating from his own head, almost like someone was accessing his mind through Legilimency. But the screams did not sound familiar to him, and yet, he felt like he knew it.

He shut his eyes tightly and placed both of his shaking hands over his head trying to dull the sound.

…The screams were coming from Lily.

Severus lowered his head, straining his mind to think. He vaguely recalled Harry mentioning something of the sort when Dementors attacked him. Was that what Harry would hear?

It couldn't be this. Not…her. Not like that.

But why is he hearing this? This was Harry's vague memory, not his. Were they somehow being projected to him? It didn't make any sense.

Severus tried to speak over the screams, to repeat the text again, "…Cantamen malum super me hac nocte occidat; seiunge animo meo, nunquam lumen videat…"

Along with the intermittent screams of Lily, there was another voice. A pained voice. A male one. This one took a little longer to figure out – It was Lucius Malfoy. He could hear Lucius pleading and begging, and due to the occasional howls of pain, he knew full well he was being subjected to the Cruciatus Curse. Mirroring those sounds, he could hear Draco trying his best not to whimper too loudly. Severus could not see what was happening, but he could only hear it from within his mind. But like Lily, he did not recall this particular memory, of sorts. He was never there.

Another thing sprang to mind – Both Harry and Draco were still there, somewhere behind him, hiding away from the unpredictable effects of the curse in retaliation. Was it possible that their memories were being projected onto him? It was a strange feeling and caused Severus to feel rather uncomfortable. But aside from the screams of Lily at her time of death, and the torture of Lucius, he could hear Nagini looming closer towards him. He narrowed his eyes in the dull glow of the candlelight, when he could finally see something moving up ahead. Something large slithering through the forest, heading directly for him.

It was Nagini. Hallucination or not, that was indeed her.

With a struggled, anxious breath, he repeated the text again, refusing to tear his eyes away from his attacker, "…Cantamen malum super me hac nocte occidat; seiunge animo meo, nunquam lumen videat…"

He watched helplessly as he saw the giant cursed snake coming towards him, hissing dangerously as she moved to attack again. She was close now…Almost there…Clenching his jaw, he bawled his fists to his side, and sat up tall, staring at the haunting yellow eyes once more. As Nagini loomed over him, he saw her jaw open wide, showing off the fangs that has already sunken deep into his flesh once before. He could feel the teeth before they penetrated his skin. As the snake was now inches away from his face, he shut his eyes in fear, and when he opened them again, the forest was gone, and he found himself alone once more. The eerie dark trees vanished from view, as the vision seemed to shift before him.

His heart raced even more violently than before, as the snake also vanished from his view. He looked down to find the book, the mask, and the selenite crystals had disappeared, along with the candle and the water. Not even the empty vials of the potions he had consumed were not to be seen. He frowned deeply, as he suddenly glanced around. The twisted trees had disappeared, and when he looked up, the sky was nowhere to be found. Not even the moon could be seen in its comforting glow.

There was quite literally nothing.

It looked like a dark room; some kind of void. Was he even alive? Where was he? He couldn't see into the darkness. The shadows overwhelmed his view, and he could not figure out where he was. A dull light glowed around him like a small lamp turned on overhead. But as he looked up, he could not find the source of the light.

…He really was losing his marbles.

There was no one around now, leaving him alone with his own thoughts. Given the broken state of his own mind recently, he wasn't sure being alone was a good idea. He was all for revelling in the silence, but when all he could hear was the rapid beating of his own heart, it was enough to put him on edge. The silence was golden when he was able to choose it. But when it was something beyond his control, it was enough to frighten him. When he had no control over his current predicament, it sent him into a mild panic. Nothing about this was normal, and yet, he did not sense danger.

He wanted to speak out, but he did not trust even his own voice. If he even still had one.

Once he realised the cage was no longer containing him, Severus managed to get to his feet with an odd ease and energy he hadn't felt for months. With a hand no longer tremoring, he reached for the wound at his neck, and to his surprise, could no longer feel the gnarly, infected cursed wound he had been suffering with. There was nothing there, but the skin remained in the same condition as it was before the attack. He raised both of his hands outwards, in curiosity. Indeed, the tremors had ceased, and they were his usual careful steadiness once more. He breathed a small sigh of relief – but what exactly did this mean?

Suddenly the strange light above him went out, like a shattered globe, and was thrust into complete darkness.

…What on Earth…

Severus didn't know what to do. Was he supposed to leave?

There was nothing but a thick darkness enveloping around him, so where exactly was he meant to go? He could not find an exit or indication of a…

…a light.

There was a light. A small, tiny speck, but there was one.

Straining his eyesight, he saw a tiny light flicker much like the candle that was lit in front of him. The light was in the distance, and the only one he could see. So, with careful steps, he began to make his way towards it constantly wondering to himself if this was a wise idea. But he had nowhere else to go, so the light at least, seemed somewhat welcoming. Unless that it was a trap, and he would have found himself in a deeper mess.

But again, there was no alternative.

As he pursued the flickering light, it grew larger and larger, until finally, he found himself at a glowing archway of a door. He looked around him for a final time, until he decided to take his leap of faith. With a large stride, he crossed the glowing threshold as his vision became hazy once again on his journey into the unknown.

He was taken to a memory - One he had long forgotten, and something he really did want to forget. It was the night the Potter's died.

The scene before his eyes shifted in a greyish swirl of fog, as he found himself standing at the front of the Potter's cottage. But the figure standing there was his younger self, and to him, felt like such a stranger. Someone he once was. Ignorant, lost, and a pitiful excuse for a human. He watched as his memory-self stared up at the remains of the blast that was caused by Voldemort's attack, where he had perished. He knew beyond those walls, were the remains of both Lily and James, who lost their lives as a result of their traitor who sold them out. The younger Severus bawled his fists beside him in a mix of rage, and anguish. His entire body shook but remained rooted to the spot, unable to move.

Finally able to peer his wounded gaze away, younger Severus disappeared as the memory shifted, and followed younger Severus to Albus' office. In all his shock, Albus had confirmed to him that Lily and James had died, leaving Severus shaken up and upset once more. His own heart reached out to his younger self – He remembered this moment like it was yesterday, as those emotions that shook him to his core, still affected him deeply. But it was the moments after this one that was a blur, and Severus was intrigued at what he might see next. In his own shock, he must have blocked this next one out.

Once Albus told Severus that the baby survived and that he made a pledge to him to keep the child safe, Albus instructed him to wait at Hagrid's hut to await Rubeus' arrival with the baby before he was delivered to his relatives.

"Severus, I trust you to see to it that the child arrives safely. "

"Albus! How – You cannot entrust me with this task – "

"The child will be delivered to his relatives tonight. Once Minerva has finished with detention, she will meet me there. Aside from her, I trust no one else."

Confused, and highly irritated by the request, he swept through the corridors of the dark of night, until he made the journey directly to Hagrid's hut on the outskirts of the Hogwarts castle grounds. Younger Severus paced beyond the front doors, in a bid to settle his own distraught state. He wanted to yell and scream out, but he held back. He had to control himself. He had to block it out.

This was all his fault. He caused this.

After what seemed like hours had passed, younger Severus looked upwards as a moving light trailed through the starry sky. As the light grew closer, he could hear the rattling of the motor as Rubeus came speeding down upon his enchanted motorcycle and touched down on the hillside with a worrying THUMP.

Severus raced towards the half-giant, "Are you mad?! You could have been seen!"

Rubeus climbed off the motorcycle, carefully holding a bundle of something in his arms. "I suspect Albus told you wha' happened?" As Severus drew nearer to Rubeus, he noticed the half-giant's cheeks were wet with tears, soaking his impressive beard. Had he been crying throughout the journey to Hogwarts?

Severus was taken aback by the state of him. Upon the question, Severus merely nodded. Rubeus had no idea it was him who overheard the prophecy and told it to Voldemort. In fact, Rubeus had no idea that he cared deeply for Lily and that he begged for her safety. He had to keep his cool. Only Albus truly knew what had happened, and he'd be damned sure to keep it that way.

He kept his expression rather collected, "Yes, I was informed."

Rubeus took a few steps towards him, until Severus realised he was holding the baby. Baby Harry. He could hear the cries of the infant, who wailed in the night. The sound was almost deafening the closer the half-giant got to him.

Rubeus sniffled, "He's been cryin' the whole way…Poor thing was in hysteric's when they found him…I can't get 'im to settle down…Here, you try…I'm probably scarin' 'im…"

Severus' eyes grew wide, as Rubeus practically thrust the moving bundle towards him, leaving him unable to protest as soon as the baby landed awkwardly into his arms. He was given no time to react. The bundle was squirming and tangling himself within the blanket, but it was his cries was caused Severus to wince and snarl in the annoyance of the situation. The sound was horrible and was starting to give him a headache. He struggled to hold the wriggling bundle, but he felt far too uneasy for the unexpected chore.

What the hell was he supposed to do now?

"Rubeus! I can't…This is the wrong person for the task…Where is Minerva?!" Severus was seething through his teeth, clearly angry at the half-giant for his ridiculous decision, "Rubeus, take him back at once!"

Rubeus Hagrid took out a handkerchief, and began to wipe his eyes, "See if you can calm 'im down...I have to let Albus know I'm here…He cannot be seen at Hogwarts…"

Fang, Rubeus' overgrown mutt, wagged its tail as he bounded towards his owner.

"Fang, you stay 'ere and look after these two, " Rubeus reached out to pet Fang, "Give me a few moments to get the Headmaster…Severus, stay put, alright?"

Severus didn't even have time to respond, as Rubeus turned and hastily made his way to the castle, almost close to a run. He cursed the half-giant for leaving him alone with a baby – the disgusting spawn of Potter. But also, the son of Lily - Her flesh and blood. Awkwardly still standing rooted to the spot in pure bewilderment, Severus finally took the time to actually look down upon the child within his arms. His cries were still excruciating, but it was then that he noticed a fresh scar, raw red, in the shape of a lightning bolt upon his forehead. It was bleeding slightly. Frowning, Severus extended his sleeve, and wiped some of the blood away from the child's forehead, and some remnants that fell upon his cheek. The baby continued to cry.

"Shh! Quiet, child!" Severus scolded the baby, still bitter upon his current predicament. But upon his voice, the baby's cries decreased a notch. The child's tear-stained face was able to look upon the annoyed face of Severus. But something else threw him off guard. Harry's eyes – Lily's green eyes – blinked back at him. A breath caught in Severus' throat.

Harry's cheeks were red from distress, but after a few moments of blinking back at Severus within his innocent curiosity, the baby let out a small giggle and reached out to grab a firm hold of a lock of Severus' raven hair.

"What's so bloody funny - Ouch!" Severus bared his teeth, "Potter! Release me at once!"

The baby yanked at his hair, and Severus had to stop himself from cursing out loud. After a small tug-of-war, Harry managed to release his hair, and clutched over Severus' finger instead. Severus clenched his jaw in defeat, wondering what in Merlin's name he was doing. Lily should be here, not Severus. Lily was gone, and there was nothing else he could do, and yet little Harry was oblivious to what had happened mere hours ago.

Wracked with another painful wave of guilt and sorrowful realisation, Severus' eyes begun to water, as the half-giant finally returned with Albus in tow. Once Severus hastily handed the squirming bundle back to Rubeus, he fled back towards the castle without another word in his bid to forget those green eyes.

Lily's eyes...

Severus opened his own darker ones, to find himself back at the dark room once more. The memory was still fresh in his mind. That night was one he would never forget. Little did he know how important that child would be to his life for the years following. Those eyes would be his undoing.

He bared the pain to watch over her son. The last piece of Lily that survived.

A single tear trailed down Severus' cheek, once he realised he was alone once more. This was all his fault. His own misery was no other fault but his own. He knew that now - He destroyed his own life. That one decision cost him everything he held dear and tore apart a family, and he had been paying for it ever since. Nothing he could do now, can erase that. He could forever blame his own father, and even James Potter and Sirius Black for making his life such a terrible thing to live with, but at the end of it all, he had a choice. And yet he still chose to accept the Slytherin purist way of life. He still chose to call his childhood friend a Mudblood. He still chose to become a Death Eater after he graduated from Hogwarts.

It was all his fault. He chose his way.

The room suddenly shifted, until new voices could be heard in the distance. The panicked yells and sounds of distress echoed around him, until he realised they were coming from Harry and Draco. He begun to see the familiar ancient, twisted trees around him.

But before his vision showed him anything more, he felt his body arch up and tense, until he crumbled to the floor.

Then everything faded to black.